Today It Hit..............

[azbrian]

This is my first post and I am glad I had to wait awhile to post today. It gave me a chance to read a lot of your posts and from those I realized I found a great site. I am sorry to all of you for your loss.

I think my subconscious mind finally broke through today and forced emotions that I didn't know I was repressing. I think why I did was to make sure I was helping our three kids and I forced me to the back. They are adults but I felt they needed me more than I needed to take care of my emotions.

My story really starts about two years ago, why I write this is because my wife Ruth stuck with me through everything good or bad for 27 years. We had to close our business after over 20 years, file bankruptcy, lost our home. I got a job for almost two years but lost that in December 2010.

As bad as that was and why I told all of you about it, I would relive those days for the rest of my life if she was still here with me.

On March 29, 2011 I found her in bed and she would not respond to me, I will never forget those images of her trying to get up and the glazed look in her eyes. Rushed to one hospital and then air lifted to another. We were told she had a devastating aneurysm and if she survived the surgery she probably would not survive more than a week and she would not be able to talk and may not be aware we were there. If she did survive past that she would need 24 hour care for the rest of her life. I knew what she wanted done and what I was going to do but I did discuss all options with our kids. Thankfully they all agreed on what had to be done.

Late that evening I had my best friend and wife of 27 years life support removed. As time passed we all hoped just once she would wake up so we could say good bye. That is the part that really hurts. She fought until 6:30 am on the 30^th. I kissed her forehead and told her I loved her. All of this happened in 18 hours. She did have all of her family there the entire time. I think we had more people in that room than we were suppose to but no one at the hospital said anything but ask if we needed anything.

Rebuild my life at 51, this should be interesting………….

It's been an emotional roller coaster writing this and I don't know how long it has taken me to write this but thanks for letting me vent.

[mfh]

Dear Brian, You did indeed find a good place. All of us are grieving as we deal with the loss our spouses. Other forums focus on other losses. My husband of 36 years died on March 27, 2010...after a 4-5 year battle with Alzheimer disease. He was a tender, brilliant clinical psychologist who deteriorated before my eyes. The loss is huge for you, me and all of us here and we will listen. We will not judge and for the most part no one says anything that is not helpful. Just know we are all here for you. A day at a time, stay in touch with your pain, don't bury it or it will return later, get support....Peace, Mfh

[Queeniemary]

Brian, so sorry for your loss, and so sorry you had to join the people on this site on this journey that none of us chose to make. Death is hard, and the sudden death of your wife, as you experienced is such a shock, with no warning. (as though any warning helps!) I lost my husband of nearly 20 years to a massive coronary on January 13, 2010, no warnings, no chance to say goodby, just gone in an instant. So I do know about sudden death. Would it have been easier if he had been ill for a long time, and I had gotten a chance to say goodby? No, it would not, because I don't think that even knowing someone is dying, that you ever truly believe it. We all grieve our lost spouses on this site, and it is a wonderful place to come for support. If you need to rant, rave, cry, vent, we are here for all of those things. Take care of yourself, eat, and get rest, especially important right now.

Mary (Queeniemary) in Arkansas

[Guest Nicholas]

Dear Brian,

What a moving story and I am so sorry.

I, too, am 51 and sense I will not be able to rebuild my life after my son died in December last year. It was just him and me and I also never got the chance to say an actual goodbye as he was in a coma for the last few days. But I did still talk to him - and still do - and was there at the very end and now have his ashes in the home we shared for 20 years.

There isn't a great deal I can say that will comfort you as it is a long and incredibly painful journey, but with love and support of friends and family, things might get a little bit less painful.

I apologize for sounding rather pessimistic, only Mondays are always bad days for me, a beginning of another week without my son.

Take care.

Nicholas

[nats]

Brian,

Reading your story brought me to my knees, you see my wife's name is Ruth also and she joined God on 2/14/2010, I am praying you are comforted by God's touch during this rough time...if there is anything you wish to discuss you have came to the right place, we all know and feel your pain and sorrow...and as far as rebuilding don't look to far ahead just take things a day at a time, you can and will rebuild as you feel the time is right there's no rush...Please take care of yourself as Mary said you will need energy, this is a very exhusting journey we are on and sometimes the peaks and valleys will drain you, if we approach things with rest and nutrition our journey is more tolerable, the lack of sleep and food tends to make the trip harder.....

May God Bless You....

NATS

[mfh]

As one who took care of a sick husband for four years and at some level knew he would not make it, I did not "know" he was dying until 5 days ahead of time and even then was in denial and just in the moment being with him. When he took his last breath and I felt his last heart beat I was shocked as if I had no warning at all. I am still shocked 14 months later that he is gone. Is it any easier or harder with warning...I do not know but I do know that with all the warning I had...I was and am still shocked. There is nothing like that last moment...never ready...never prepared. I think they are just different. We are all in grief here and the support helps so much. mfh

[kayc]

Brian,

I am so sorry for all of your losses, but especially that of your precious wife. I know that losing a business, a home, your possessions, jobs are important significant events in our lives...but I also realize all of that pales in comparison to the loss of your wife. I too am familiar with loss, it is a part of life...something that strikes some but not others, rather random-seeming in it's reach.

I am impressed that you would even use the word rebuild...indeed that is what we are supposed to do, it's just something that many of us struggle to accomplish. This is a good place to vent, to glean inspiration, to be heard and understood, to know you are not alone.

I wish you well in your journey.

Kay

[azbrian]

Thanks for the responses, that was the hardest thing I have ever written.

I am forcing myself to take better care of me even though part of me does not want too. That sounds strange even to me......

I almost feel like I have been slowly erased over the last two years and losing Ruth was the big and final wipe. This may sound weird but to fight my way back, I need to find me again.

Nats, I mentioned I had read some of the posts in here before being able to post. Right before I was able to, I came across your post about your Ruth. Your post had the same affect on me as mine did to you.

[nats]

Brian,

You did well posting that's small steps to healing, I am no professional but I do know what works and learn more daily....I hope reading the posts allowed you to feel comfortable to write we all understand and are more than willing to help, it's a shame sometimes we can't all have a big gathering to meet each other face to face as we sure have some special people here...you are doing well keep taking it daily and don't overwhelm yourself...at 15 months I still have many rough days and we can expect that, because more than likely it will be this way forever, missing them in some little way...keep the positive energy flowing and things go better also....May God Be With You

NATS