May 22, 2011

[Suzanne R.]

When I used to say my morning prayers I exulted when thanking God for all the seasons, the exquisite array of living things, the beautiful flowers, the grass, the trees as well as all the natural wonders, the waterfalls, the rainbows, the snowfall, the rythmic splash of rainfall against my windows, and the bountiful brilliant colors of the Autumn trees, the pastel colors of the evening time when the moon shone brightly in the sky and in the morning sunrise, the rolling waves against the shore of the beaches. That was before when Dan was still with me.

When I listened to all kinds of music, there was a lilt in my soul and a smile on my face when the beat of all types of genres of music matched the beating of my heart. I absolutely loved all the notes of those whose voices lifted me spiritually and emotionally. That was before when Dan was still with me.

When I had tasks that I voluntarily performed on my computer I had to wait for the cursor that turned into a timepiece and my screensaver would pop open of all my pictures that I use of wondrous sea scenes, and blue skies with a few puffy clouds and I particularly was extremely fond of gazing lovingly upon my loved ones, Danny, our two sons, their children in various family settings, Dan and I were grinning from ear to ear. Little did I know that these would be the last pictures during the summer of 2008 when his sister took us to the beach and we were as giddy as small children. That was before when Dan was still with me.

Now, that it's the 22nd of May, it's been 16 months since he passed away. Now, when I thank God when I say my morning prayers, life is quite different, even though I am still thankful for the beauty of the earth that God made, I am not as exultant about what I once loved so much. Now, that Dan is not here with me, music is like the sharpness of a dagger if I should hear the melodious chants that happens to come close to my listening senses, I cringe inside with heartache for I wouldn't deliberately listen to music now. Now, when these pictures that I was once so fond of happen to open up on the PC I have a very different and difficult time and if my life depended on it, it is an impossibility to muster up any kind of pleasure, in fact it hurts my senses with physical pain.

As an observer of myself, I don't smile much any more. I have temporary distractions of talk and smiles and laughter when my 2 adult sons and 'our' grandchildren are with me. But, at the end of the day I always go home alone, go to bed alone, and awaken the next day alone. Danny, if you can hear me, I still love and miss you more each day. I still wonder if you can hear me or not, but I hope you know that you were everything to me. These tears I cry can attest to that. Some may think I am wallowing in self-pity but I know that I am not. Life is not the same without you and I am just so much in love with you. I am hurting and the only thing that motivates me to go through the daily motions of life is knowing that at least you are not hurting any more. Thank you, God, for that.

[mfh]

You said so well and so beautifully...all that I feel as I too approach the 14 month mark this week. What I used to enjoy and find fulfillment in is now empty. Music, instead of lifting my spirits, brings forth tears. A lovely day in May (as today is) makes me feel the loneliness of his absence hoping the day will end soon at only 9am and that i figure out distractions on and off to help pass the time. Thank you for putting into words what I feel. Some how we will deal with our losses...somehow we do it a day at a time.

[wmjsca]

I am not as exultant about what I once loved so much. Now, that Dan is not here with me, music is like the sharpness of a dagger if I should hear the melodious chants that happens to come close to my listening senses, I cringe inside with heartache for I wouldn't deliberately listen to music now. Now, when these pictures that I was once so fond of happen to open up on the PC I have a very different and difficult time and if my life depended on it, it is an impossibility to muster up any kind of pleasure, in fact it hurts my senses with physical pain.

Hi Suzanne,

I can only listen to music which pre-dates my life with Buck, for those tunes we shared seem to bring too much pain. I can identify and I don't consider it self pity, although the world may believe it is. How long is too long? I don't know that. Today is the seventh month since my love took his last breath and I am still hurting inside too. It may be that music will never mean what it once did for you or me. I have always loved the fall of the year, but was afraid that since Buck died in the fall, I wouldn't feel the same. I can't yet say because it is now summer, but I'm hoping I don't lose my love for fall because of this tragedy. Knowing he's no longer in pain and is resting in peace relieves part of my anguish, but life for me will never be the same. Ever.

Take care Suzanne. Embrace your memories and don't feel ashamed of however long it takes for you to work through your grief.

[kayc]

Suzanne,

You have penned your feelings well and spoken for all of us. There is definitely a "before" and "after" from that marked point which divides our life into two categories...that point in time in which we lost our spouse. Everything was one way before and markedly different afterwards, nothing ever to be the same. We can look through our life and see those defining moments...one was my dad's major heart attack when he was 45, I was still a child, and nothing was the same afterwards, he never had full time consistent work afterwards, things changed in our household, less relaxed and more tense, and he was on a strict diet after. The next was my sister's car accident, I was just 15 and she became quadriplegic and we brought her home from the hospital to take care of her and her four month old baby...her three year old had died in the accident...also my other sister was impaired to some extent from the same accident. I could no longer have any after-school activities, and my life was far from normal. Dating was out, I was needed to take care of my sisters and nephew to give my mom a break. There was no laughter in our household any more, just stress and my mom did not cope very well. My father began drinking more heavily and my mom slipped further down the slippery road of insanity. Then there have been those other defining moments...the birth of my kids, and then finally losing the marriage to my kids' dad, and losing his wonderful family when that happened. The relationships are still there but family holidays were never the same. From that moment on my kids had to split their time between their dad and I. And then there was the day I married George...one of the happiest and most beautiful days of our lives. I went along thinking life would continue in that vein, and then the unthinkable happened...I suddenly lost my wonderful husband prematurely and unexpectedly...years before I ever thought it would happened, and my life has not been the same since. Do the birds still sing? Yes. Do writers still create beautiful songs? Yes. Does any of it matter? Not as much. Why is it that having that special person to share it with make life so much better? I know there are those who are alone that fully enjoy life and all of it's joys. Why is it that it can't seem to be that way for us? Are there those meant to be alone and others for whom aloneness equates with missing something? Will it ever get better? If so, when? Yes you get used to it. I don't expect him to walk through the door any more, I know he's gone, I realize I'm alone, I know the weight of the world is on my shoulders, no one needs to tell me that...but will I ever relish in it? It doesn't seem likely. It's been six years...how many years do I have to give it? Will it be any better at 20? No one tells you this part, they expect you to carry on like usual, to handle everything alone like when you had your partner, but nothing about it is the same.

My son is single, he had not had relationships, his life seems full, he's attending school, he's capable, there's nothing he can't do, he doesn't seem to need anyone, he has lots of friendships, lots of interests. But he's alone. And I can't help but wonder if sometimes he's waiting, waiting to meet that special someone with whom he can share his life. Oh, he's going on about his business as if it doesn't matter...but it does. He'd like to have a family kids...is there something inside of us, most of us, that says our lives are somewhat incomplete without that?

[Dwaynecg]

I am new here on this forum. My name is Dwayne and on February 25 2011 I my wife of 33 years lost her battle with MS, (MULTIPLE SCLEROSIS), She went into end stage MS and it took her really fast. We are both deeply Christian and I know she will be waiting for me in Gods Kingdom for me. When she pasted I not only lost my best friend, my soul mate, my wife, I also lost my job. I had worked one job for 27 years, She had a PCA that worked in the mornings and I took care of her for the rest of the day. Her PCA told Pauline the day before Thanksgiving that it was her last day. After interviewing about 20 people none was a fit for my wife. I came home from work and found Pauline on the floor. The next morning I went to work and told them I had to quite to take care of my wife. God provided for us, I became her PCA. I trust in the Lords guidance. Pauline's best friend and her husband goes to the same church we went to. They came over and prayed with us, for God to give me the strength to go through this, and for Pauline not to suffer. Pauline went on hospice on February the 5 2011. 3 weeks later she pasted away, The last 2 weeks with the help of hospice she was the most pain free she had been for years. I gave her all her med's for years. After she passed I decided I wanted to make a difference in peoples lives. I will be starting nursing school in July. By having to take care of Pauline for so many years I found out I was good at doing that job. I really it is the Lord guiding me on the rest of my journey through life. The loss of Pauline is worse thing in my life. Days I don't even want to get up, but I do because I know she is watching after me. I feel her all around me. There has not been a day goes by that I don't cry for her.Over the last 2 1/2 years when things looked really bad for us The Lord always came through for us with help from places you would never except it to come from. I pray every day for him to give me the strength to get though the day. So keep the chin up and just take one step at a time and God will help you through this very hard time. See I know God has plans for all of us because 33 years ago, me being born and raised in Colorado and Pauline born and raised in Fall River Massachusetts, he brought us together on a rainy day in May in a small town in the middle of Kansas, It was like we had known each other forever. With Pauline I have experienced the best day of my life and the worst day of my life February 25 2011 at 2:30 PM. I told Pauline I would be alright and I know you are tiered and it is alright to go to sleep, and I LOVE YOU WITH ALL OF MY BEING, her mouth moved I LOVE YOU TOO. Then she was taken into the LORD'S KINGDOM. So now my life starts anew prayer works and is real because he gave me the strength to help Pauline to go through the end of her life the way she wanted to be home in bed in her favorite nightgown with me by her side. I hope and pray my story gives other people her to go on with their new life, and feel comfort that God has you in his hand and will never let you down.

God Bless

Dwayne

[kayc]

Dwayne, good for you! (nursing school). You are letting your experience make a positive difference in your life. I am sorry you lost your beautiful wife, but I'm glad she got to have you as her caregiver in her final days. It is a very special thing. My husband died unexpectedly so I never got to do that for him, but I was caregiver to my MIL for the last three years of her life, my FIL had her at night, and I in the daytime...it was a very special time, one I will never forget. The bonds were so close...

Welcome to our forum, it is a very special group of people, you are about to realize that, the more you get to know everyone here. It is a journey we share together.

Kay