Medication And Stuff

[melina]

Just after my husband's death, I was self-medicating something fierce. I wrote about it on this site and think I alarmed some people. I was throwing back drinks from early afternoon until I went to bed, using tranquilizers, sleeping pills and antidepressants.

Luckily that has now subsided, more or less. I stick to a normal amount of alcohol - a little wine now and then at dinner, sometimes more on weekends. I don't take sleeping pills. The tranquilizers are only a last resort in case of major freak-outs. Now I'm working on cutting out the antidepressants.

I've always been prone to depression - all my siblings have/had depressive episodes. One committed suicide. The remaining two each use some type of antidepressant. I started taking them about a month after we got my husband's diagnosis, because I felt myself being sucked into a new depression and I knew I couldn't afford that. Now I'm trying to taper off and I'm at the lowest dose possible.

The problem is that I notice I'm growing more emotional - a lot more crying - and I'm 10 months out. That shouldn't be happening now. I don't know if it's because of a withdrawal from the antidepressants, or if it's because I'm no longer as emotionally numb. Well - I can't say I've ever felt numb, but maybe my grief would have been even more intense than it was had it not been for the medication. I'm worried I'm going to get whammed by a huge tidal wave of pain when the antidepressants have finally worn off.

Has anyone had any experience with this? It seems like everyone here manages okay without medication.

Melina

[kayc]

Melina,

I didn't take any sleeping pills or antidepressants when George died, but my doctor gave me sleeping pills a couple of years ago that he said are not addictive and I only take them when I've had several nights without sleep...I have a long commute so it's dangerous to drive without sleep.

I was on antidepressants years ago and I do know that you are not supposed to take yourself off of them, you need to stay in close touch with your doctor. If he thinks you're ready to be weaned, he'll do it gradually...like 1/2 tab/day, then after a couple of weeks 1/2 tab every other day, like that, rather than just stopping them. Some antidepressants, when you go off of them, can really mess your brain up. Please tell me you're under a doctor's close care for this. And they don't mix with alcohol.

[mfh]

Alcohol and antidepressants are not a good mix.....and I doubt you will get a clear read out if you use alcohol when you are on antidepressants. Check that with your doctor. Also you might talk to your MD about just staying on the antidepressants. If depression runs in your family, you might talk to him or her about just staying on them for another year or whatever. I think the meds are easier on your body than stress.

But I also do not think there are "shoulds" when it comes to grief. At 10 months out I was a mess. You might be experiencing normal grief....Year 2 can be harder than year 1 as the fog lifts and reality becomes clear. I am at month 14 and I have very bad times, lots of tears. For some reason I specifically remember month 10 being a really tough one. That does not mean it will be for you but it was for me...month 11 was not much better. Who knows what month 22 will be but at month 10 the fog is just lifting...who knows but the word "should" and grieving are not necessarily a good mix either.

I do hope you will talk to your doc about the meds. Some are harder to get off of than others also. I pray your days get easier....that all our days get easier. mfh

[Dwaynecg]

Melina,

I have never been depressed my whole life. I was in a serous auto accident in 1996. I was treated at a pain management center for about 5 years. I got off the pain medication no problem. Then I was rear ended in 07 I never seen the woman coming. The impact was so hard it knocked my glasses off my face. I went back to pain management and was treated until I quit my job to take care of Pauline full time. I still had pain but I learned other ways to cope with it. After Pauline passed away, she donated her body to science. The day she past I lost her and my job. I went onto unemployment, and the first 2 weeks I was on the go doing everything I needed to do. Sunday of the third week I got real sick. I could not keep food down or it would go right through me. I tried to treat myself for 3 days everything I took would not help. I called my doctor because I did not have the insurance she told me to take over the counter stuff. I called unemployment they had me on blue cross by noon the same day. The next day it was nice out so I decided to go to the store. I took the back roads because I still did not feel good. I got behind a kid driving and at an intersection we have a yellow flashing light the side streets have a flashing red light and a stop signs. Just as he reached the intersection he slammed on the brakes I hit him. After that I knew I had to get to the doctors. Monday I called they got me in right away. My heart rate was 132 she took it again it was 135 bmp. Long story short she put me on Medication to help me relax and sleeping pill, because I wasn't sleeping and back to the pain clinic. They put me on a slow release pain med. After 3 months I still am not back to the same health as I was before Pauline passed. Grief effects the body in a lot of ways. I do not drink and never have. I do not smoke and never have. My hands still have tremors in them. I takes the body a long time to adjust, it is not only your mind, feelings and things like that but also it effects your whole body. I do not think drinking alcohol is any good to do. It can also effect some of the medications you take. Just take it day by day and see your doctor. I know they have helped me.

Dwayne

[kayc]

I agree. And some antidepressants actually alter the brain so you don't want to take yourself off of them without the doctor's care. It's hard to know how much of your mood is from going off them or from grieving or maybe both. Just be extra caring to yourself, you're going through a lot.

(((hugs)))

Kay

[sunstreet]

Dear Melina,

I feel compelled to respond to your post because of my professional self and my knowledge of drugs; their efficacy, uses, side effects, and interactions. I was one of the persons Melina that was alarmed when you shared before.

Depending on what anti-depressant you are on, coming off to quickly, can cause a relapse into a worse depression. Alcohol can worsen depression symptoms as well as counteract effects of your anti-depressant, or for most medications for that matter; and lessen the benefits of your anti-depressant. The other thing as well is that some anti-depressants may cause you to feel more intoxicated than normal when combined with alcohol. And finally, any side effects of the anti-depressant or any meds actually may worsen.

I strongly advise that any changes you want to make that you do so with the guidance and knowledge of your Doctor and your Pharmacist. It is also my advice to titrate up to a therapuetic dose of any medication and also to titrate down when coming off of any medication.

Finally, Melina I don't think there are any particular time tables when it comes to grief. Grief just is; here I am at over 7 years out now and because for the first time since Melissa's death I am not having to bring anyone to accountibilty: I find I am re-living the moments of finding Melissa dead in our bed, re-living what my family did her and find myself in boughts of weeping all this past week, and having new memories surface surrounding the events of Melissa's choice to suicide.

I think grief is just that and takes what ever path our emotions and thoughts take us to and the more I think we accept what we are feeling without judgement and allow our self's the gift of expression in whatever form that feels right for us is how we move through it.

So emotionally drained at present, and physically in a flare with lupus; but just felt I need to offer my two cents worth to you.

Courage and Blessings, Carol Ann

[Guest Nicholas]

I echo Carol Ann's wise post 100%: self-medicating is very dangerous. Only use prescription medication given to you by your own GP who is in full control of your medical history. And give up alcohol completely!

Nicholas

[melina]

I feel embarrassed by my candid post here. I think maybe there are certain things you can share, and certain things you shouldn't. I appreciate all the comments, but really it's not as bad as the reactions here might indicate.

The antidepressants I'm on were prescribed by my doctor. They're not strong ones, and I've been on and off them for the last ten years. Depression runs in the family, but I didn't agree to medication until there was just no other choice. Before that, the strongest medication I used was St. Johns Wort. The doctor said that a glass of wine now and then won't hurt. I'm not tossing back the stuff the way I did just after Thyge's death (and I agree that was harmful).

I guess few people here have much experience with antidepressants, but I've gone off them before and I think I can do it again. Maybe now is not the right time though - as you guys have indicated. I'll stay on a low dose for a while and see if my mood stabilizes.

Though I've been depressed before, I've never grieved on this scale before. So that's new. I guess I should distinguish between grief and depression - not easy.

Carol Ann - I'm so sorry you're so ill with a lupus episode. Especially with the trial and all. I hope things stabilize for you too. For all of us...

Melina

[Lainey]

Melina,

Don't be embarrassed with what you posted. I'm sure many of us did basically the same thing as you did after Thyge passed.We just haven't shared.

My family other tham my mom and I had/have an alcohol problem and I was determined it would never get me. When Lars died I would have a drink now and then with company. At about 3 months, as the calls and visits slowed down I became very depressed and had a drink in the evening. Soon the 'drink' was 2, then 3 and when I hit 4 I realized that this wasn't a good idea. This wasn't wine.. rum and coke or scotch and water was my choice. I was on sleeping pills, once I quit the booze, I went to my doctor and he gave me a mild A/D which I'm still on, and take the sleeping pills only after a few nights of no sleep.

Lainey

[beakerj]

Hey Melina, I'm not sure who these 'everyone here' who manages without medication are!

It's now nearly 7 months since my Mum died & I'm still on anti-depressants. In the 3 weeks leading up to her death, & the (at least) 8 weeks after I was heavily medicated with anti-depressants, sleeping pills & valium.

The sleeping pills & valium I stepped down as soon as I could because of potential addiction & a basic aversion I have to taking meds, but I couldn't have managed without them, & I did all of it under medical supervision. I take the occasional 1/4 valium now & then, or half a low dose of sleeping stuff hardly ever if I absolutely have to.

I'm very fortunate in that I don't drink alcohol - my Dad & others in my family have had problems with alcoholism so I've steered clear, plus the fact that feeling spacey in that way gives me panic attacks. No thanks.

But I'm still on the anti-depressants & will be until my Doc thinks otherwise, I came very close to being hospitalised when it was all happening, & I'm just trying not to expect too much of myself & my poor formerly traumatised body & nervous system. Bereavement is so physically stressful anyway, plus the fact of not sleeping properly & 8 weeks of barely being able to eat...I eat too much now & have put on weight, but that will rebalance itself too.

Don't give yourself a hard time over this, especially if you tend to depression anyway, I have a pre-existing panic disorder, whcih is partly why my reaction physically was so profound. I was just telling my best friend this morning that I thought I'd drown in sorrow when Mum died, but when the time came I was just demented & out of my right mind.

Just don't take chances with your mental health, gently does it!

Wishing you all the best,

Becka

[sunstreet]

Dear Melina,

I understand you feel embarrassed. I want to encourage you and applaud you for being so candid. I believe the subjects that cause us uncomfortable feelings and are hard to talk about are exactly what we should talk about.

I only have the greatest respect for you for your honesty and candidness. I suspect that most of us have needed medication to augment the other resources we use to somehow cope and move along this at times seemingly unending torrent of pain.

I thought nothing less of you at all! Courage begats courage and I thank you for yours.

Blessings and Courage, Carol Ann

[BellaRosa]

Melina, i've been on and off anti-dress ants for the past 10 years. I was off it for about 6 months when my mom passed away and I didn't want to go back on anything. After 2 months I couldn't take the intense anxiety and breakdowns anymore so I talked to my doctor and he put me back on the lowest dose of Lexapro. I ended up not liking how numb it made me feel so I stopped it again and am trying to deal without it. We all need to do what's best for us. I think it's normal to feel a rush of emotions when you're tapering off because everything is coming up to the surface. Have you mentioned this to your doctor?

I avoided alcohol for about 5 months because I know I have an addictive personality and it would have been easy to just have a few drinks and forget everything. I won't deny that i've done that a few times, but I know it's not the answer. Don't feel embarrassed -- we've all done crazy stuff in the midst of grief.

Erin

[mfh]

Melina, I agree..no reason to be embarrassed. Your candid honesty helps others to be honest. I did not see anything in your post that might be a source of embarrassment. I do not mean to discount the feeling that you do feel that way but I am just saying I admire your openness. I think when folks (including me) see someone hurting so much we want to help in whatever way we can. We care about you and admire you. mfh