mfh Posted June 6, 2011 Report Share Posted June 6, 2011 A neighbor and sort of a friend called tonight to see how I was doing. It was a lovely gesture that left me feeling badly. I was honest and explained the waves of grief, the loneliness of coming home to silent walls after being with friends, the daily tears....she seemed taken back. You all know that response...the one that says, "It has been 14 months (or even 2) and I thought by now you would be 'over it' ". It is in the tone of their voices, the pauses....and more. I get a knot in my stomach when that stuff happens....and want to hang up and eventually did but that 15 minutes was an eternity...and though I was doing fairly well when she called I was a wreck when I hung up. I know people mean well but in their innocence and inexperience they can inadvertently set off a firestorm of pain. The worst part, of course, is Bill is not here to share the pain and hold me while I cry. I sit here alone wanting to run far far away but of course...that is no solution and the feelings will pass eventually but it is like 5 steps forward and 3 back...some days. I guess Sundays are just plain difficult....Sundays and some days.... So glad I have a place (here) to dump the feelings to those who do get it and who do not question the length of time one grieves. Thanks for being there. mfh Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nats Posted June 6, 2011 Report Share Posted June 6, 2011 Mfh, I know what you mean these people have not a clue as to what we face each day, but I have come to the conclusion that those people need to be isolated during our grieving because they do not understand I have done just that....also a simple fact I have come to terms with and I'm going to start a thread reagrding the fact we can deal with our grief with pain and sorrow or we can deal with our grief in a more positive face the fact type of grief, the face the fact grief approach has worked well for me and I still have the waves of grief but they are now different, more managable I would discribe it I guess....but you have to decide I have told a few people that have been with that mindset it's not like getting over a cold or broken arm.....so take care and I'm sure others will have some good input as well..... NATS --------------------------------------------- Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
melina Posted June 6, 2011 Report Share Posted June 6, 2011 mfh, I know exactly what you mean. Sundays are awful no matter what. But that feeling that people are impatient with your grief and expect you to move on does make it worse. She called you to ask how you were doing - but they're never prepared for the real answer. I suppose you have to have "been there, done that", to understand. Melina Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Nicholas Posted June 6, 2011 Report Share Posted June 6, 2011 Should be over it? That meaningless and thoughtless expression again. As Scrooge would have said " bah humbug"! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
new Posted June 6, 2011 Report Share Posted June 6, 2011 Dear mfh, I am sorry that that happened to you. Sundays & some days are hard for me too. I had a similar situation with my older sister yesterday. She called & asked me how I was doing. When I said I am still having a hard time, didn't even go in to detail, she said, "You just have to get use to it". Get use to it? what is that? I will never get use to it after being married for 32 years. I couldn't wait to get off of the phone and it set off another long episode of feeling so alone and empty and tears. My son says she needs to stop calling and I need to stop contact with her, this has happened before. They just don't have a clue to what they are doing to us. Hope today is a good day for you. Pat Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lainey Posted June 6, 2011 Report Share Posted June 6, 2011 When I occasionally run into past friends and they ask me how I am, I've found it easier to just tell them I'm fine. They have no idea what we go through when we lose our loved one, yet they seem to think we should be "over" our pain in a matter of months. I do have a few "true"friends that I talk to and they encourage me to tell it the way it is. I also learned in my grief share group how to write a grief letter to people to explain your feelings and what they can expect from you during this time. You can also express how you would like them to treat you. Pat,my sister has said similair things to me and after 6 months of her calling 2/3 times a week with this attitude, I finally explained to her my feelings and what I was going through. She felt terrible after realizing how callous she sounded and has been terrific ever since. Maybe talking to her would make her understand better the trauma you're going through. Lainey Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sunstreet Posted June 6, 2011 Report Share Posted June 6, 2011 Dear MFH ~ Mary, I am so sorry that this happened to you. I understand how painful this can be and you are so right about it being their innocence and inexperience but inadvertently they throw us into a turbulent sea of pain; and then not to have Bill there to share in the pain with you and comfort you; magnifies and intensifies the pain all the more. I understand and offer my support. I hope that today feels a bit better for you. Blessings and Courage, Carol Ann Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted June 6, 2011 Author Report Share Posted June 6, 2011 Dear All, Thank you for your responses, suggestions, feedback. Each one is a gift that I appreciate. How grateful I am for this forum, for the friends who DO get it and reach out often. Somehow we make it through this pain, survive the waves of grief, and the pain of loss. Thank you for being a part of my surviving. mfh Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dwaynecg Posted June 6, 2011 Report Share Posted June 6, 2011 mfh, I had the very same thing happen to me. I could not believe who said this to me. It was Pauline's father. I had called him because he has health problems. By the why Pauline's mother past away in March 1995. About 1 1/2 years after he re married. Fine he was able to move into the positive. May 25 makes 3 months from Pauline passing. When he called back he asked me if I had someone across my table to drink coffee with? I said no, then he said it is about time to get busy and find some one. I was shocked!!! He should out of anyone in the family and friends understand what I am going through. I am at my lowest point this past few days. I am not eating well, I just don't know how to get out of this low I am in. I miss Pauline so much and how of anyone could my father in-law say that to me. I think that is what has sent me into this down ward spiral. It is so hard these days just to get out of bed. Dwayne Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted June 7, 2011 Author Report Share Posted June 7, 2011 Hi Dwayne, Your FIL is clearly from a different mindset. His generation also dealt with death differently. The reality is....one would think he would be so sad and be able to reach out to you....of all people. I had that happen with family. They just did not know what to do with me. Still do not. And they are good people. I will email one of them and tell them I am having a rough day and I do not even get a response. It seems to fall into an abyss of nothingness. These are intelligent, highly educated people....I will never understand. I am so sorry your days are so hard. I understand totally. At 3 months you are raw, vulnerable and still in shock. I do not even remember the first 6 months. I thought at the time I was awake but I was not. A day at a time, sometimes an hour or 15 minutes at a time. I have not eaten well in 14 months and it has caught up with me but you will eat when you can. NO pressure. I wish you at least one peaceful moment each day....just a moment of a happy memory. I am just now remembering the good times. The last 4 years were so hard that it became the whole picture. We are all here for you. mfh Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dwaynecg Posted June 7, 2011 Report Share Posted June 7, 2011 mfh, Thank you for your support and understanding. It helps to know that it isn't just me. And you are probably right about my father in-law and being from a different generation. I never thought of looking at it that way. Today I am feeling a little better. Going to try to get some things done I have been putting off. Dwayne Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted June 7, 2011 Author Report Share Posted June 7, 2011 Dwayne, you are welcome. It was not until the 70s that people began to talk about death. Thanks to Kubler-Ross who opened the door. I think older people (I smile as I am 71) and men especially are totally at a loss about it. Men marry after losing a spouse much sooner than women do also. Not all men but perhaps that generation coupled with being male makes it harder for men to be alone and share feelings or even know they have feelings. I am glad my words helped a bit. We all need all the help we can get. I admire your openness...Peace, mfh Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted June 8, 2011 Report Share Posted June 8, 2011 All I can say is, Good Lord! Is she friggen serious?!! Should be over it??? You can tell she hasn't been there...or if she has, she didn't lose a love like we've had. Wow. People, they amaze you, don't they! I'm sorry, I just don't have patience for people like this. I couldn't have given her 15 minutes, I'm afraid I'd have had to have gotten off the phone real quick! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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