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It is coming soon and it is depressing me. Because of Ruth I have a Father's Day and this is the first time she will not here for it.

I also think I feel worse about it because Mother's Day was not much after she died. I was still pretty numb then and looking back that day probably did not impact me as much as it should have.

I really am trying to be positive and find something to look forward to everyday but there is never anything there. I am so tired from being beaten down over the last two years. There is fight left in me but not the same fight like I used to bring to the table for everything I needed to do in the past. I need the person I was back, I just don't know how to find him or were to look.

Okay, trying for positive. I am going to check my email to see if anyone wants to interview me for any of the jobs I applied to.

I really hope everyone is having a better day today than I am.

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I know this will be a tough day for you, I'm sorry, it's got to be hard on everyone.

George died on June 19, 2005 FATHER'S DAY! Normally I get a double whammy, the 19th and also Father's Day to remember his death anv. by but this year I'm "lucky", I get it all at once. Of course, my kids will be with THEIR dad on Father's Day, every year, so that means I always get to spend his death day...alone. His birthday is today and then just Sunday is his death day, it seems a bit much for a week.

I didn't even find any jobs to apply to today, depressing.

But I did release a balloon with a message to him.

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HI Brian.

I had a tough time with Mother's Day and Father's Day last year. We both tried to make those two days special for one another. I am so sorry that Ruth will not be there this year. I hope you know how much she loved you.

I thought I would relay one of our great Father's Days. A couple years ago I made reservations at The Phoenician Resort for Fathers Day Brunch. Mark loved sunday brunch and they put on a real show. Free flowing champagne and lots of crab ect... one of those really pricey buffets. I big splurge for us! As we pulled up to the resort valet parking I handed him a large box. My kids were about to explode with excitement. Inside was a royal red floor length velvet cape. A gold crown with jewels and a large medallion on a gold ribbon. We announced that he was officialy King for the day! Here was my big husband strutting around the resort playing the role of King! My husband was a real ham and he played it up big. Traveling from table to table telling folks that as King for a Day we would bestow free champage for all! He traveled out to the pool and and bowed to his kingdom making all kinds of announcements that only a king could do! I was ready to hide and questioned my judgement. But we will never forget that Fathr's day and I still have the red robe hanging in the closet.

I would do anything now to see him acting like a fool again.

I hope this happy memory will allow you to remember your happy fathers days too. Cheryl

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That was a great story Cheryl.

How did your open house go?

Brian thanks for remembering! It was such a lovely night. My daughter made an awesome slide show of her life that we projected onto a sheet hung against the backyard wall. Thre were a lot of tears and afterwards and many people told me how hard it was for them to see Mark on the screen. I was actually fine through the whole thing. I live with Mark being gone everyday and the slide show was a wonderful tribute to our entire family life. I am so proud of Amy for putting it together.

We had a tostada bar set up with all the fixins and it was really nice to see so many friends. I have held several neighborhood events since Mark died but it was a little strange having some of our couple friends over that I hadn't seen much of since Mark died. I could tell his high school buddies were having a tough time by the amount of beer they consumed. Anyways it was probably the best time I've had since Mark died and I guess that shows that I am begining to learn how to live life without him.

The tears came later when everyone was gone and I thought about how nice it would have been to sit on the patio and talk about our party. Very hard. Cheryl

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