Someday I Hope To Find Where I Belong

[pinkpony]

my dh has been in heaven for 8 months now & though I am trying to move forward I'm having a hard time fitting in. I have been invited to a few peoples parties & I make myself go, but I just feel incomplete when I'm there. this weekend some friends invited me to their cabin, I wasn't going to go(the last time I was there was 3months before we found out dh was sick, & he had made them a few carvings for their new cabin)but fri I woke up & told myself "just do it" "I can do this", well I got there all proud of myself for doing it & some people were talking about 1 of my dh's carving(not knowing where it came from & not knowing us)& I said "my dead husband made this" right when the words came out of my mouth I was shocked & I said "wow that didn't sound right" someone came to my rescue & said that was ok. I stayed the night but the next morning I looked for an excuse to go home w/o being rude(it was a 3 day party)I just needed to get out of there, I didn't feel right being around these people & I couldn't drink & loosen up cuz my "protector" wasn't there. I feel this way a lot around people, I use to be so comfortable in my own skin & now I'm afraid of my own shadow, I don't want to get in bad situations & make wrong choices, all these people around me yet I felt so alone & awkward.

I sure hope at my age I will know where I belong again.

[mfh]

Dear Pinkpony,

I want to congratulate you for going and I want to congratulate you for leaving. Both took courage. I totally understand your feeling out of place and alone in the middle of a crowd. I do also. It has been 15 months and that has not changed. Finding a new normal is bigger than we ever dreamed. I was all snug in my place on this planet and voila...it was gone...like you...alone. Holidays are difficult. I thought i had this one covered with activities that I could handle but, like you, sometimes the plan just is not a good one and this trial and error learning is difficult. I hope this day is not too lonely and that you have something to do that is distracting for a while. Mary

[ksbeachbum]

Pink Pony:

It is so good to know that I am not alone. You could not have said it better. I feel so much the same way. I get invited by friends and know that I can not stay locked up in my house alone, so I make myself go. So wanting to run away from the house where all the memories are, thinking it will be fine and then I can't wait to get back home in my little hut, safe and secure. I went to K.C. to my neices last weekend. Couldn't wait, she had some friends over, felt completely out of place ( my husband was so good in these situations) and wanted out of there. The point is where ever we go, whatever we do, it is with us. The grief, pain, suffering and memories go with us where ever we go. Hoping it will get better... it has got too.

Thank god for this group who do get us and know what we are going through.

Blessings

Becky

[Dwaynecg]

Dear PinkPony,

I know how you feel. Last weekend I was invited to a party at Pauline's sisters house. They have a pool and of course I could not go in. I did not feel like I fit in. I staid for about 4 hours. They invited me to come up anytime, but they all were respectful, I really did not have a go conversation with any one. They all wanted to be in the pool. I am only at 4 months and still trying to find my way. I have a focus on what I want to do if I can get this Foley out and stay out so I can start school. I may have to start with it in. I hope not because the DR said next is surgery. I do not want that. It was nice that you went and tried. That is a start and like me we still have a long way to go.

God Bless

Dwayne

[melina]

I use to be so comfortable in my own skin & now I'm afraid of my own shadow

I think a lot of us - maybe most of us - have felt this way. I'm not comfortable in my own skin yet, but I'm not really that afraid any longer. So the fear, I think, does settle after a while, when you're forced to face it over time. If there is one positive thing I can take from this horrible experience - it's that I've found I am stronger and more competent than I ever thought possible.

But that sense of "where do I belong?" is always with me. I've belonged with my husband for nearly 30 years - and now it's difficult to figure out where to go. I feel like a homeless person. I suppose that little by little, I'll figure that one out too - but it may take longer than I expected.

All I can say is hang in there. Things do get easier and better. It will take a while, and you may not feel like you'll manage it, but it does get easier, and we'll all find our place, I think. It may not be the life we want, but a life nevertheless.

Melina

[Cheryl]

I think it is perfectly normal to not feel like you fit in. I felt that way for the last year and a half. Just recently, at 22 months, have I begun to feel more comfortable. The important thing is to continue to make the efforts. Pick and choose the events and with each new thing you try you will begin to start forming a new life. It sucks doing it alone but it also sucks to be home all alone. I think the couple events are the worst. I try to make sure I never put myself in that position. I find that each time I try to do something new I first sit and cry. I curse the world for putting me in this position, I curse Mark for leaving me behind and then I suck it up and go. Usually I have a better time than I thought I would. But I must also say that it took a long time for me to even want to be around people. I found myself hibernating in grief, I really needed those months alone. I allowed a few people to visit with me but I think it took almost a year for me to do anything social outside of immediate family.

Hang in there I think you are handling everything at your own pace. Cheryl

[Perkins808]

I haven't been on in a bit, I spent some time in New Hampshire with my girls and their friends. This post caught my eye - the very first post I ever made was "where do I fit in" and it was exactly about what everyone here is feeling. In two weeks it will be a year since Jeff died.....and I still feel like I'm struggling to find where I belong.

It was strange that I experienced this just this weekend. In a cabin in NH, having a really good time with friends and family, yet not really feeling like I could put my guard down completely. Something always feels just slightly off and it can be frustrating!

My hope is that this will get easier, I just need to remember.....baby steps.

Hugs,

Tammy

[sunstreet]

Dear Pinkpony,

I relate to your feelings so well and thank you for the courage in sharing them with us. I hope you are patting your self on the back for going and then for leaving when it didn't feel right to stay.

That is just it isn't it; not only did we loose the love of our life but we lost are life as we knew it too. It makes total sense that you feel awkward and afraid of your own shadow. I use to be there so I understand. I think for myself Melissa was the alpha and so when she died it was very hard as I had to find out who I was and take on the role of being the alpha that I knew nothing about.

AT over 7 years for me now I can share that I no longer feel fear but I still do struggle with feeling like I fit in anywhere....it is a work in progress. That is all we can do.

Blessings and Courage, Carol Ann

[kayc]

I'm glad you're getting invites at least, and I too hope we all find where we belong someday, it does seem to take a long while, longer for some than others.