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Feeling So Sad


plasticmary

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I made the decision to put Meadow to sleep last night and I feel really sad today. It's a beautiful day out today and Meadow would have loved it. I know she wanted to live. She loved life. She was a fighter. She would chase birds, roll around in the grass, run happily along side me on walks and jogs. At night she struggled to breathe. She made a lot of sounds and noises, coughed a lot and had a bad odor. But she was just so full of life at the same time. Then, yesterday, blood just started pouring out of her mouth for no reason. It eventually stopped but would keep coming back every hour or so. We wanted to wait until Monday to see our normal vet but every time I saw the blood coming out of her mouth, I felt like it was wrong for me to make her wait. It was much more expensive to go to the emergency vet and it was really weird and awkward to deal with a vet I didn't know. When the vet lifted up her lip to look at her mouth, it just started gushing blood and that really made me decide I needed to let her go last night. It just didn't seem right to make her wait another day. But she could have. She could have been here today. When I woke up and the sun was shining I felt so sad because this is her kind-of day. It's so sad. They had to give her two injections to make her heart stop. She was such a great dog. She didn't deserve to have cancer. She didn't deserve to suffer. Even though she was with us for such a short time, I really miss her. I just didn't see the point in waiting until she was in pain, maybe suffering with other problems like a broken jaw, eating and drinking through blood the whole time. I would like her to be here to walk with me and follow me everywhere like she did. I hope I did the right thing for her.

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Mary, I'm so very sorry to learn of the death of your beloved Meadow. For what it's worth, I believe with all my heart that you did the "right" thing in this situation. By sparing Meadow any further pain and agony, you've taken all of that upon yourself in the form of the grief and loss you're feeling now. That is what true love is all about: putting the needs of our animal companions ahead of our own. I hope you'll take some time to read through some of the other threads in this forum. You'll soon discover that you are not alone. We are kindred spirits here, animal lovers all. And we understand completely the agony associated with making the euthanasia decision. You're also most welcome to explore some of the writings you'll find on this page of my Grief Healing Web site: Pet Loss Articles. See also Comfort for Grieving Animal Lovers.

Wishing you peace and healing . . .

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Mary, I know the self doubt that arises when we make the decision to end our pet's life. I did it and of course wondered for a long time if I had done it on time. I had called my vet (also a friend) the night before and she said, "Listen to your own voice, you will know". The next day I KNEW. You listened to your love for Meadow and that love released Meadow from struggles. That is true love. My heart reaches out to you as you grieve this loss. There is nothing like the unconditional love an animal has for us. I wish you peace, Mary

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Mary, You know that second guessing is our human ability to infict more pain on ourselves to pay for all the mistakes,mis-choices we think that we may have made. I remember when my Thunder boy lifted his head and LOOKED at me after the shot, I knew he would do anything to keep ME from suffering as I watched him go.

One thing that has really helped me is that I "see him" (and others) being on the bed besides me without pain, I visualized petting he - spirit to spirit. I feel they are around me all the time.

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  • 2 weeks later...

Mary, you did the right thing for Meadow, you did the selfless thing, you relieved Meadow's suffering even though it meant that by so doing, YOU would suffer. There never seems a "good time" to lose someone we love and we continue to miss them, but you did the right thing. When you see a beautiful day you know she would have enjoyed, try to recall a memory of such a time and enjoy that memory but please don't beat yourself up for relieving the suffering of one you love so much, any of us would have done the same thing.

(((hugs)))

Kay

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