More Than A Year Later . . Things That Hurt Every Day

[MZM]

Hello all and hello to my friends!

Well im back in South Africa now, after i "ran away" to the USA for 9 months. I must say, that time away, in the end, was the best thing for me. I didnt have to face all the physical memories here, but instead it gave me time to deal with and focus on the memories that were in my mind and how i just had to let them be and let the time pass.

Ive come a long way from the days of wishing God would just take me away n those horrible days of screaming n crying at the walls since my zubeir left in July last year:(

I remember how even 3 months ago i woke up screaming and crying in the middle of the night and how, when i met someone just 7 months after zubeirs passing, I would cry badly if they hurt me and out of disappointment that they were nothing like him and would feel like i was going to be alone forever.

There were always and are always moments in each day that make me think of him n miss him and that little stab in the heart that makes you realise, that you WILL never be the same again... I miss his voice, miss the things he used to say, and miss the fact that he was on this earth:(

Even though I have come a long way, I now take no one for granted!

Its been up and down...facing the memories, although easier now that i had a break from them for 9 months, can take you out of whatever it is that you're doing...

Well...i recently met someone....he is my best friend and was the one that whiped my tears from about 6 months ago...he was always there unconditionally and it took me until 2 months ago to realise that I do not want to let him go...

So here i am, after 1 year 2 months...almost a year of being through HELL, but one things for sure...time does heal...love u always zubeir...

[nats]

MZM,

It is good to hear you are healing in a positive way and moving forward....I also have met someone I do not want to let go and like you take no one or anything for granted, I also find myself doing things "now" that I would have said I'll do tomorrow, (I still have a few things I put off, LOL)...I would like to offer just a little caution in your new relationship so you are not taken by surprise only because I have experienced it...my new companion and friend has also been down the grief road as she lost her husband 2 years ago, a few months ago she had to evaluate our relationship and wasn't sure if she loved me or we were just leaning on each other to fill the voids we both had....one night she told me she didn't think she could love me the way I needed to be loved and wanted to be just friends, needless to say I had a total meltdown and it triggered the grief for Ruth worse than before our relationship began, we saw each other a few times during our break and she dated some other men during the break, that hurt I'll be honest as it scared me that we would not ever be a couple again and maybe she was correct, see I had fallen in love with her no doubt and was once again losing someone...the days and nights were miserable as I had just moved into a new home and really having a hard time adapting as it did not feel like home, I had no memories of Ruth in this home as she had never lived here...I kept up my daily healing with prayer, unpacking and working...I decorated the house and one day while getting some yard work done it just hit me how much Ruth was really still with me and always will be... Brenda and I continued to see each other for dinner and talking then one night after dinner I walked her into her home as normal, gave her a hug and told her I loved her and not to forget that, at that time she looked at me and said she had figured out that she also loved me as well...I was taken by surprise and we have been seeing each other since, we have found something most people never find again and we are very thankful we have each other, it is so nice to be able to laugh, love and live again, we are very much a couple but very independent as well...my thoughts for you are happiness, I just want you to be aware of the feelings involved in this "new" relationship and that we are very easily hurt since we have endured such a loss...Enjoy all you have found just keep things in perspective and remember how life can change faster than we can blink our eye, with that in mind yours and my new journey will be one of happiness yet we'll know that we can still remember our love ones who are now our guardian angels...may God Bless you and guide you in the days to come....

NATS

[kayc]

Zubeir,

It is good to hear from you again and I'm glad you have someone who is good to you. I'm also glad you feel that getting away was a good decision for you!

Kay