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The Loss Of My Sweet Dog, Baby.


brown308

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Baby.jpg

Well, I'm new to this.. but I have been facing such immense sorrow and guilt over the death of my dog, Baby. I feel like talking to others who have dealt with the same tragedy might help. Baby was the most loving, caring, and funny little dog I have ever met. She gave unconditional love unlike any dog I have even known. So I guess I will talk about the day she died, 11/13. It was a normal lazy Sunday.. I was cleaning up my room and doing laundry when I found out that Baby had been hit by my neighbors car. My neighbor had been speeding in the neighborhood and Baby and the neighbors dog (the neighbors that hit my Baby) were playing in my yard when they chased each other out onto the street. The neighbor hit Baby but the other dog was okay. So I came down to take her to the vet. She wasn't bleeding, she only looked like she had a hurt paw.. but she was wheezing so I thought she might have a collapsed lung. My 9 year old brother sat in the backseat with Baby while I drove to the vet. She was quiet in the car except for a few yelps and the wheezing. Whenever I reached my hand back to pet her head, she stopped wheezing. When we got to the vet's office, I took Baby out of my brothers arms and had him run to the door so we could rush in. But they were closed (as it was a Sunday). Panicked, I called my mom to have her find me one that was open. She gave me a name to a vet that was supposed to be opened, so I drove another 10-15 minutes to that vet. But when we got there, they were closed too. I realized that we were running out of time because she was looking worse and worse with each passing minute. I decided to try to get to the emergency vet, which was about 20 minutes away, as fast as I could.. but on my way, she started choking. I was crying to my brother to see if he could move her to the side so she could get some air.. but nothing he did was working. She started coughing up blood in the back seat and then she stopped choking. She was very quiet. She died before we made it to the animal hospital. I remember looking back at her in her last few minutes of life and her eyes were wide open, and her mouth was wide open.. and she looked so scared. My brother did his best to comfort her in her last moments of life.. And I told him that he was the special one because he was the last person she saw. And he was so brave and strong despite the fact that I was sobbing in the front seat. He didn't start to cry until she had passed away. Everyone in my family seems to be dealing with her death well, even my 9 year old brother who watched her die in his arms. I always try to tell funny or sweet stories about Baby's life so that my brother won't focus on the traumatic death she experienced. I was slowly starting to feel better also.. trying to remember the sweet memories of my dog. But the other night I had a nightmare about her death.. which brought me right back to where I started. I try to remember that she is in a better place.. I've read about Rainbow Bridge and I'm sure she is there waiting for me, but I can't get her dying face out of my head. Instead of cleaning my room, I should have made sure that she was inside.. not out in the yard with the other neighbor dog who always chased her onto the street (she did have an electric collar, but it mysteriously stopped working that day). Maybe if I would have called the vet myself I would have discovered that it was closed before I went all the way there. She still might not have survived, but they could have done something to ease her pain. I tried so hard to get her to a vet but there was nothing I could do.. and there's nothing I can do about it now. I just miss her so much.

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I am SO sorry for the loss of Baby and what she meant to you! Truely that is the time I hate being on this planet the most is when I lose a dog! I have lost two dogs to cars. For me the guilt almost ate me up alive. When I took training from Hospice of the Valley, I learned to separate out the guilt from the grief. The reality was that I did not set to deliberately harm my beloved pets. The first was 40 years ago and I got careless, I actually called hom not knowing that he was across the street andcalled him into danger, the other happened a few year ago when Signal got out when a foster beagle dug iunder the gate in my concete fence back yard. I didnt even know he was gone because I was sick with pneumonia.

For me, my unconcoious self alwas wants me make me the responsibe one and therefore the bad person... I realized that while I am responsibe I always to the best I can - even on the bad hair days. It was a MISTAKE and I have learned. While I would give my soul to not have another soul pay the price, I can honor them by making their life count for something. Now I am president of Empty Bowl Pet Food Pantry, I lead a emailist for 3000 people who want to turn their problem dogs into good dogs, by using Cesar Millans techniques )work with his organiations too, help animals in disaster in arizona, and help form animal misinstries as a way to heal, empower and help people make a connection to spirit. I teach pet first aid and safety too.

I had a stroke a year ago that had me wheel chair bound, unable to speak.

So I have had to be ruthless with that little voice that wants me to stay in my room because some dogs died and I was responsible.

But make no mistake, I grieve their loss in my life and I still have tempter tamtrums about it with the MAN upstairs even 49 years later so be JIND and gentle with your self~ that little soul was so lucky to have you and love you when so many die alone and unloved! (about 50,000 of the 95,000 that make it to Maricopa animal control last year).

Please know how welcome you are here!

Hugs!

CJ

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CJ,

Thank you so much for your response. I can't remember the last time I have felt so heartbroken. I am glad that I have found a place where I am welcome to share my thoughts and feelings. I've recently stopped talking to people I know about it because I feel like they don't understand why I am so upset. I just think it is because they aren't lucky enough to experience such an amazing bond with a "pet." I didn't want to be dealing with this pain alone so it is nice to have this forum and to talk to other people in the same boat. I do tell myself that I didn't mean for it to happen and that it wasn't my fault but it is hard for myself to believe it sometimes.. I wish I had known then what I know now.. but that's not how life works. I will be moving into a new house alone next month and I was planning on taking Baby with me. I'll be living alone and going to school so I will be missing her presence a lot there. She was so adorable. All she wanted was to get as close to me as possible.. and she knew that if she stood on her hind legs and jumped, that she would be picked up and kissed or, if she was lucky, get a little snack from the fridge. I miss that a lot. But the thought of getting another pet is gut-wrenching. Even though it'd be nice to have another companion in the house, the only companion I want is Baby! You should be VERY proud of yourself for all of your accomplishments. I am proud of you and I do not even know you personally! My mother suffered a stroke a while back, so I understand the pain and frustration accompanied with it. You are a great inspiration and I hope that soon I can focus on the happy memories with Baby instead of the sad ones.

Thank you again,

Christina

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Christina, dear, as I look at the picture of your darling Baby, my heart just hurts for you. I simply cannot imagine the size of the hole you feel in your heart and in your home right now. I'm so very sorry that this terrible accident happened, taking the life of your precious Baby in such a violent manner. The description of her dying in your brother's arms is horrifying ~ and what a hero your little brother was to be so brave and remain so calm in this situation! I hope you're able to talk with him about this, and let him know what a good job he did in being there for Baby when she needed him most. My prayer for both of you is that eventually your warm and positive memories of Baby will take the place of these horrible images, and I expect that in time, that will happen for both of you. Meanwhile I hope you won't put too much pressure on yourself to get another companion right away. The thought of it sickens you because right now it probably feels like an act of disloyalty to Baby. Such feelings aren't necessarily logical or accurate, but they are there anyway ~ and it helps to acknowledge and express them ~ in a forum such as this one, or in an in-person pet loss support group ~ so eventually they will dissipate and disappear. One of the things we love about our canine companions is that they just want us to be happy, and I suspect that when the time is right, Baby would be just fine with your decision to bring another companion into your life. Our hearts have an amazing capacity to expand enough to include love for other animals ~ provided that we are ready. Don't rush this; you will know if and when you are ready. Accidental deaths like this one can engender a ton of guilt, and it's important to get those feelings exposed to the light of day so they can be examined objectively, dealt with and laid to rest. (See, for example, Loss and the Burden of Guilt.)

I hope you'll do some reading about what is normal in pet loss, so you'll feel less crazy and alone. This forum is a good place to start, as you'll find others whose animals have met with tragic, accidental death too. You'll find more information here: Articles about Pet Loss

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Wow, this was so hard to read, I am so sorry for your tragedy. Baby is indeed a sweet little dog, you can tell from her picture. (I used to have a white toy poodle named Baby.) We often berate ourselves afterwards thinking of all of the things we wish we'd done differently, but the reality is, we do what we know to do with the knowledge given at the time. You had no way of knowing Baby would die that day. The image we have of their death continues to haunt us but the reality is, it was but a moment in time, a moment in the entire life that you spent together. It is not that one moment that will stay with Baby for eternity, but rather the memories the two of you have shared together. I believe our animals are waiting for us, but not waiting as in dormant, but rather enjoying their time as they would love to do, until that day when we can join them and once again throw them a ball, rub their belly, stroke their ears, and hold them once again.

I know there is nothing I can say that will ease the pain in your heart or fill the void that Baby left, but I do want to say that I care.

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I am so sorry to find out this is what you meant about her tragic death when you replied to me. I know about the nightmare you had, I know everything you are going thru right now. That part will eventually go away as those have passed away for me. I wish there was something I could say that would make this easier but there isn't. All I can say is that you need to sign on to this site whenever those painful memories come up and then you will be among friends. This has been therapy for me and I hope that it will be for you.

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