This Is Terrifying!

[mrg2]

I know I have never experienced a feeling, physical, emotional, psychological like this in my long life. I have spent the last two years at home, side by side with the love of my life. The silence since last Sunday is deafening, and at times I think I am on the edge. It is Christmas Eve and, of course this was always just OUR special time together. I just do not want to be here!!!!!!!

[Susie Q]

Mrg2

I know what you mean about the silence. I am so sorry that you have lost someone so very close to you....Susie Q

[lance]

I agree its terrifying.I lost my wife Kathy two weeks after being diagnosed with lung cancer. six months to the day that she quit smoking.its been eight weeks since the end of our twenty nine years.We MUST choose Life lance

[mfh]

Dear mrg2, I am so so sorry for this tragedy. There are no words for the pain you are experiencing...no words at all. I married my husband at age 46 and he died last year and was buried the day before my 70th birthday....on Easter Sunday. I know about waiting for the right person and about losing the love of your life. I know the shock, the hope that it is all a nightmare, and the silence...the deafening silence. It is truly horrendous. No one could have told me it would get easier but it truly has. I feel the pain each day. I am lonely. I still cry each day but I guess i am getting used to the pain and used to his absence much of the time...not all the time. You have come to a good place, a good group of people...all of us hurt and all of us will accept and support you. The holidays are tough...especially with a loss so recent. KNow we embrace you in your pain.

Mary

[mrg2]

Oh thank you for your kind words. I have been so angry tonight because I wanted/needed so much to talk with someone. I have not had the opportunity to debrief or process the two week hospital nightmare. And then I never got to talk with Michael during that time, and I want him to know that while he was fighting so valiantly & so bravely, I was doing everything I could to protect him & keep him safe, & I failed. And then it is also coming to the realization that I will NEVER have another Christmas Eve with him, and most of all, I do not know where he is right now, and I thought his spirit would "hang around" for a bit. My sister-in-law told me over the phone tonight, "we all agreed, that no one could think of any other couple who were such soul-mates." I was NOT done with him, and my heart hurts so much.

May I please borrow your little heart quote?

Marge (we were MRG2)

[mrg2]

I am just wondering if Michael found this web site for me, or if he led me to it...

[mfh]

The heart quote is an eecummings poem....it was one of Bill's and my favorites. I posted it below for you. bill and i were such soul mates. He was part of me and I am a different person...his death has changed me...and left a hole in me. i want to say that I struggled with the idea that I failed Bill also because i did all i could and it was a bad situation with doctors and I wish I had done things differently. I have heard this so much over the past months form so many that I now know it is common. YOU did NOT fail...you did all you could. I also want to say that in the 20 months since Bill's death I have read many many books on grief and life after life. I truly believe that Bill IS with me and that your husband IS with you....always...24/7. Later I will share some good book titles and if you go to http://www.griefheal...lumns-books.htm (Marty Tousley's site-she is the moderator and is kind and excellent) she has lists of article and books for you. This is a trek none of us wanted to take. I waited 46 years for Bill and now I am waiting again to be with him....it IS anger provoking but it is also life and it is traumatic. Just know you are NOT alone. Not at all. We are all walking this path. Christmas just makes it so much more difficult. We all struggle with holidays anyway. Feel free to email me and to keep posting here.

Here is the poem:

i carry your heart

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in

my heart)i am never without it(anywhere

i go you go,my dear;and whatever is done

by only me is your doing,my darling)

i fear

no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want

no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)

and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant

and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows

(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud

and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows

higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)

and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

It is very important for you to be gentle with yourself, to be true to your needs and not try to please those who will want to fix you...in some way. Try to sleep, try to eat, try to walk....we are here for you. I was led to this site and it has been a lifesaver for me and many others. Good people here, well led forum.

Peace

Mary

[HAP]

You did not fail. You did all you could. There is no failure in that. And he knows that. You know it too, but in this moment you do not feel it. Be patient with yourself and your grief. Stay with us here.

Peace,

Harry

[mrg2]

Thank You, each, for your valued support!

I did not sleep a wink last night and so I think I will do better tonight. We (our dear & sweet little Miss Charlie Irish Terrier) are due to be up early to get to our daughter and son-in-law and four grandchildren's house in Castle Pines. I must say, going to the link provided, I am filled with more comfort, finding out about the support for pet loss. I (and Michael) are crazy dog lovers (I say with my hand over my heart). Our Irish Terrier Charlie is nine-and-a-half years old. She got a pacemaker up at CSU before she was five years old. I call her my terrier with batteries. We almost lost her this spring when she developed complications of all of her autoimmune diseases (colitis, lupus, idiopathic thrombocytopenia) - she is now on 7 medications twice a day, and still able to "be a DOG"! I learned at that time our little Charlie was inter-bred...I have not dealt with that anger.

So I did not have to push the folks at Fairmount too much to let me take Charlie along to Michael's private family viewing earlier this week...I can talk about that experience another time. Anyway, I think what is happening now with her is that I am terrified of not having her with me. And of course she does not mind in the least. Our granddog in Castle Pines is a 110# yellow lab.

And by the way, Michael was firm about having our previous darlings, Bob the dog and Radar the cat's ashes with his, PLUS Charlie's and mine (when the time comes). Michael would say he will just have a 'call to order' when we all get together.

Good night! I am hoping that I will be able to provide this kind of comfort to others in need in the future.

Warmly,

Marge

[kayc]

Marge,

You have not failed, there are just some things we have no control over. I am so sorry for your tremendous loss. Yes it is hard, the hardest thing in the world. We'll be here to walk through it with you if you want us to, we've all experienced our own unique experience of the same thing...loss. And we're all missing them right now. My heart goes out to you...