Feeling Slower

[melina]

Well Christmas is over and thank god for that. I've had a huge group of twenty-something sons and daughters-in-law, etc visiting me for Christmas holidays. A few will be here a couple more weeks. They're great kids and they've been a comfort. But I desperately wish their father were here with us.

I've noticed while talking and walking with my kids that I seem to have become slower over the course of the last year. It's been 16 months since my husband died of cancer, and I'm more or less handling the grief. However, my mind and body have both become sluggish. I'm worried that this will continue or maybe even get worse. I'm not sure if grief does this to people.

I work as a neuropsychologist, so I've been trying to read up on grief and cognitive function, but there's not a lot of literature on the subject. I feel - to put it simply - as though I'm growing stupid. I have trouble concentrating and staying focused, so that might be part of it. My memory is terrible. I keep searching for words and can't find them. Granted, I do have to function in two languages. I speak English with my kids - my native language - and Norwegian at work, since I live in Norway. Moving back and forth between the languages was never a problem before. But now I can't seem to find the words. Sometimes I sit at my computer at work, about to write a report, and think "What's going on here? I have no idea what I'm talking about".

Physically I feel almost as though I have some sort of chronic fatigue syndrome. I used to be able to run through the woods with my dog. Now I can barely make it up a hill. I don't have trouble catching my breath, but my body feels like dead weight - like lead. It's such an effort to move. It's an effort to do anything.

This is very strange. I'm doing a little better with the grief. I have days where I don't cry at all. But maybe all the grief has been shut away in my body and cognitive function.

Does this sound familiar to anyone else? I've been to the doctor. Blood tests and check-up look fine, apart from a knee with a meniscus rip that will need surgery. I'm not on any medication that might drag me down. I eat healthy and am not overweight.

All ideas welcome.

Melina

[Dwaynecg]

Dear Melina,

I had the very same problems, only I speak only English. I found myself very sluggish and not being able to come up with the right words to say or write. I started walking, getting more exercise, I walk around 2 miles a day and fell much better. Think more clearly, and feel very strong again. It also helped my singing voice, which was a big plus for me. I school I feel like it has also helped me there also, in my concentration, and to score very high on the tests and the final exam. I am now reading the next book that we will be learning in school, Pauline already had a version of it. So try some walking and see if that helps you.

God Bless

Dwayne

[dave s]

I have felt the same thing. Although I am newer on this journey and realize that this is exhausting work to grieve, i cant help but wonder if there has been a "damage" to my body and I know there has been a damage to my mind.

I dont know if there has been any research done on this aspect? I thought it would be interesting to have those, whos loved ones are in Hospice care, go through a battery of test before and after their loss. I am talking about, besides basic tests, lab work etc..... CT and MRI testing of the body to see what is affected.

Have to admit am doing "better" more days than not, but not a day goes by without thinking of my loss ( except for times the kids are here) and am overwhelmed with decisions for my future.

Take Care...Dave

[melina]

Thanks Dave and Dwayne,

Dwayne - I already walk an hour every day with the dog. I don't think more walking will change anything. Maybe I need some other form of exercise.

Dave - it would be interesting to find some research on this. I know that depression can affect cognition, and maybe grief affects us in similar ways. Glad to hear you're doing better. The future does still seem overwhelming to me too. I try not to think too far ahead.

Melina

[mfh]

Melina,

I have experienced this. I know I am a changed person since Bill died in many ways but one of those changes is how slow and scattered I am. I have been working on one project for a year and still not done....that would have been a two day project. Tax prep is coming and it feels like Mt. Everest. I feel worn out most of the time and this feels like the fallout of a long hard road...sort of like functioning on fumes in a gas tank which run out fast and the car can't run as well or easily leave me pushing the car. My mind is not as sharp, my brain has clearly been affected. I am counting on all of this healing in time. A friend of mine took care of her mom for two years. She had 3 other people helping...run the house, the business, full time caregiver 40 hours a week and she told me it was two years before she STARTED to feel human again. This journey we are on is absolutely stressful and draining to our bodies/minds/souls.

I read some research on this a while back and it seemed then that these are a common effect of grief and care giving and one that lifts and heals in time. Your question, however, has tripped off a desire to do some more research and to dig out the articles I found several months ago. I do know, from teaching stress management workshops for many years, that stress (most stress happens between the ears) and the stress of a loss like ours affects many functions of the body. Galvanic skin response, respiration, adrenalin flow, adrenal glands, digestion, blood flow to extremities, and more...I have handouts on this and will check them out....I have not done a workshop in years as I quit when Bill needed me so am not current on the research but our thoughts/feelings can exhaust us or energize us...that I know. And when we are thinking so much of loss and sadness as I do every day...it is exhausting. That does not mean we should not grieve...that would be worse...but doing things that fill our minds with other uplifting things each day can help. Exercise helps a lot. It is the first thing one should do for their minds.

I will get back to you all on this but not today...today I distribute Voice. And since I move so slowly now it will be a few days. I came across my stress info a few days ago and this weekend I will check it out.

Peace,

Mary

[melina]

Mary,

Thanks for commenting here. It does help to hear that others have felt the same way. I'm hoping my brain will start functioning normally soon, along with my body. I'm feeling pretty exhausted. Every time I think about starting a project, I get halfway through the planning phase and think "oh forget it". Just can't follow through on anything.

Melina

[Queeniemary]

Melina, I also have the same problem, seems as if I have to search for the most common words sometimes. Also feel very scattered most of the time. I guess I feel the same as you, that I am growing stupid. It is hard to start something, and then when I do, follow through is hard. I try to force myself, but it is not easy.

Mary, I will be very interested to see what information you find on this subject.

Dwayne, I probably do need to exercise, but really don't think walking is a good fit for me here in the winter, with two artificial knees, I may think, however, about checking out one of the exercise places, and see if they have something for senior people, with less stress for the knees.

Right now I am just thinking about getting through the next 4 or 5 weeks, I have committed to playing the part of Quiser in Steel Magnolias, one of my favorite plays and a part I have played before, and I am just not excited about it at all. Just wishing it was over.

Mary (Queeniemary) in Arkansas

[kayc]

I don't feel physically sluggish but I KNOW my brain is not the same. I feel old and tired. I have a difficult time focusing. I worry if I do get a job that I will be up to it...some things I used to handle when I was younger, well it's harder for me to learn now that my focus isn't all there. It's difficult for me to read anything and concentrate, anything longer than the newspaper. I just feel tired of the rat race and I want out. I think this is a common grief side effect.

I walk the dogs twice a day, every day. I seem to have plenty of energy, it's more of a mental thing.

[Guest Hal]

Melina,

I have experienced many of the same things. In the past I tended to be the sort of person who would very quickly and efficiently get things done. Now, many times, I look at something that needs doing, and just do that - look. I tell myself it needs doing but cannot get myself to do it. It's like there is a big wall there. And then sometimes I am heading somewhere in the house and can't remember why I headed to that particular room. It usually comes to me a few seconds or minutes later, but that is very bothersome. I'm not a particularly fast typist so e-mails usually take awhile but sometimes now they seem to take forever.

Physically when I run, my legs frequently feel like they weigh a ton. I run every day, but starting the day after Janet was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer on August 17th (she lasted less than 10 weeks after that), most of my runs feel terrible, much slower than even the slowness of before and with the heavy legs. Or I'll go out for a run and feel good for the first half, but then turn around and feel awful. I guess I have felt that it's just its just part of the grieving process and one day it’ll go away. But when?

There are also sometimes I feel quite clumsy. I start walking and seem to get off balance briefly. And there are many times I just walk around here with my head down and angled a bit – I guess I have in my mind labeled that a hangdog look or something like that. That even happens sometimes when I am taking a walk.

And speaking of slowness – but let me sidetrack a bit here. The last 2 years I have participated in an endurance event starting at 9 AM on New Year’s Eve Day, and I got to thinking about what in the world is going to happen at Midnight on New Year’s Eve. Every time I thought about it I got highly emotional (and still do). So, while initially I had decided against doing the endurance event, I finally decided that that would be the best way to get into the New Year. This is a 24 Hour Run and last year at Midnight we all stopped and gathered around and toasted to the New Year with a small glass of champagne. I’m sure I’ll get highly emotional at that time –if I decide to stop and join in. I’m not really sure if I will stop or not but I guess I probably should as there will be something like 150 people there and I can get some support. And then back to the slowness part. Last year I was able to go 66 ½ miles, but decided to significantly drop that to 50 miles –and now I’m really having my doubts about that since I am running much less now and much more slowly. Walking is allowed in the event so I suspect I’ll be doing a lot more of that than would otherwise be the case.

Mary, I too will be very interested in what you find.

Thanx

Hal

[mfh]

I have not dug into my stressmanagement materials...just too tired to do so. But I found dozens of articleson the effects of stress, chose some and have read most of each one. Many provide informationon how to begin to heal and how to prevent symptoms. It is tricky because wehave gone through a tremendous loss, one that has turned our lives upside downand backwards. Many of us feel we have lost a part of ourselves...We mustgrieve, that is healthy and needed. We also must take care of ourselves and dowhat we can to prevent any damage we can prevent. Our bodies, including ourbrains, are undergoing a lot of stress and as difficult as it is, we owe it toourselves to really take care of ourselves during these months and years. Iknow it is hard...believe me. But just walking can make a difference. Drinkingwater helps. Being gentle with our process helps.

Marty's site is loaded withinformation: http://griefhealing.com/

More from a Hospice site: http://hospicenet.or.../knowledge.html http://hospicenet.or...rief_guide.html http://hospicenet.org/index.html

Stress http://www.stress-ma...-of-stress.html http://helpguide.org...tress_signs.htm http://www.stress.or...pic-effects.htm http://www.mayoclini...ptoms/SR00008_D

Reactions and Physical Effects http://www.familymem...tions-to-grief/ http://www.familymem...fects-of-grief/

http://www.bbc.co.uk..._physical.shtml http://www.funeralpl...griefsteps.html http://www.recover-f...ereavement.html

This link is consistent withthe input we got from our physician at Mayo as he tried to help Bill when hisdementia led to his dwelling on debilitating thoughts natural to someone whowas basically losing his mind. It reminds me that we need to give our brains arest from negative thoughts and counterbalance the sad, negative thoughts withhappy ones...good memories in order for our brains to develop new neuralpathways....every time we think a positive thought the neural pathway getsstronger for that thought...and vice versa. It is a delicate balance as we needto grieve and also prevent symptoms from getting worse.

http://shine.yahoo.c...in-2439040.html

Relevant http://www.playatten...istry-in-women/

Read all of this as it explainshow to begin to heal the brain during and following grief http://www.vision.or...ience/2166.aspx

[melina]

(Queenie)Mary - I hope your play turns out well. Maybe you'll get more into the role as you start performing for audiences. I used to do some acting in my college days and enjoyed it. Sometimes I wish I'd continued down that path.

Kay - I know what you mean by feeling old and tired. And we're not even old. I force myself to walk the dog because it's something I have to do. Like caring for a child. You can't choose to not do it. But the walking does help.

Hal - It's good that you're running every day. I walk, combined with running, every day for an hour, but like you my legs feel heavy. I no longer feel that flow that I used to get from my walks. Whereas I used to feel good when I got back, now I just feel tired and worn out. I also feel clumsy - I keep knocking into things. I don't know how many times I've managed to bang my head into the kitchen cupboards. Sometimes it's though I'm just stumbling through life in general.

Mary - thank you so much for your extensive research. I remember reading all of those grief behaviors and feelings early on. But I would have thought that after 16 months I'd be past most of it.

However - the part about stress made me stop to reflect. I am definitely stressed. Everything stresses me - taking care of the house and practical stuff alone, dealing with all the bills and the mortgage - having to work an extra freelance job (when I can get it) to pay for everything, worrying about my kids - and again about money because kids=money sometimes, worrying about the future - should I stay here or should I move? Stress from being alone with all my decisions. And stress from sheer loneliness and longing for my husband.

The stress must being wearing me down. I know that I have many nights where I can't sleep at all. Not sure if it's the grief or the stress. Probably both. My neck and shoulders are so tense I get headaches regularly. I should probably see a massage therapist. But that costs money too.

I still don't get why this had to happen to me. I know it happens to a lot of people, but I see other women my age happily living their normal lives and I wonder why I couldn't be allowed to do the same.

Sorry - a moment of wallowing in self-pity there. We're all in the same boat here. I'm just so tired. And the Christmas holidays has just be made feel even more so.

Melina

[mfh]

Melina, we are all under stress. Not only are we constantly dealing with grief, loss, sadness and loneliness (stressful in and of themselves) but as you say we now have the responsibility of all the pieces of a life that we once shared. I could not get the hoses off and had to call someone. I have to prepare taxes, something we did together. The list for all of us goes on and on and is filled with the unexpected. And finances is an issue for many of us...and that weighs heavy in the back of our minds. All these stress-full thoughts and chores and emotions wear us down when our bodies and minds have not even begun to heal from all we have been through. I don't expect myself to feel "recovered" just physically (whatever recovered will look like) for 3-5 years. I also think that the recovered me will have scars and some unhealed battle wounds and will be and is already a different person.

I am trying to let go of expectations in so many areas of my life and just get up and do what I can each day to make my life comfortable and meaningful and somewhat organized. You also have had to deal with kids, with a decision to sell or not sell a house, a job change...these are all stressful in and of themselves. 16 months is just not enough time....I really recommend a book that Marty recommended to me...Bridges book on Transition. It has helped me a lot and speaks to the fact that in our instant culture we do not allow time to make transitions. He says we live in an on/off culture and do not take the time between on and off to heal and adjust. I came into this loss tired from care giving and from some of the life adventures Bill and I chose to do and totally enjoyed but which were also tiring...I need time....lots and lots and lots of time...and patience...and I suspect all of us do. We have not recovered from the loss (whatever recover means) and expect ourselves to deal with all the stresses that the loss has created when our poor body/mind/souls are so bruised and worn down. We are out of gas and I refuse to push the car. I am sitting by the road for a while....waiting. Giving myself time. Patience is my mantra....

Peace

Mary

[kayc]

Melina,

You're not alone in feeling this way. I woke up at 3:00 this morning and by 4:00 gave up sleeping and got up and started doing chores. I identify with what you say about feeling stressed in having to make decisions and do things alone all of the time. Just yesterday a friend and I were talking about how much we miss our husbands just holding us. It's been 6 1/2 years for me and 3 1/2 for her. It just goes to show that we make progress in our grief journey, but some of it will continue the rest of our lives. I will never stop missing George, nor could he ever be replaced, it is just something I've had to accept. I have often wondered the same thing, Melina, how come all of these couples I see are allowed to have their husbands for years and years while I lost mine? A question that will never be answered, I'm afraid.

[mfh]

Here is a link to a well known and valid stress scale. I scored in the highest stress area easily (386) ....this also tells you some things to do about stress by clicking Tools at the bottom.

http://www.mindtools.com/pages/article/newTCS_82.htm

This is a burnout test and if you look at it in regards to your life and not just your job as it is designed to do, you can see how burned out you are already. I scored in the high risk area.

http://www.mindtools.com/pages/article/newTCS_08.htm

Mary

[dave s]

Mary Thanks for this info!, I am not to far behind you on the stress scale.....and burnout, well we already know the answer to that......next days off am going to study this some more......need to take some action in my life now......this needs to become a priority.....for my health and happiness! Dave

[kayc]

588 here...but then I knew that.

[mfh]

588 here...but then I knew that.

Pretty high, KayC....high risk also. I imagine most of us are up there....and we still wonder why we are exhausted...I should myself a lot...should do this, should do that but am getting better at just waiting....

M

[kayc]

Yeah, I suppose it's a good thing my doctor makes me come in regularly. If you can't change the circumstances in your life, at least you can change what you can...this doesn't weigh in the things we do to counter the stress such as regular walks, eating healthy, trying to do fun relaxing things, going to the doctor regularly, taking medicine as prescribed, spending time with friends or family, owning pets, etc. so I don't think it shows an entirely accurate picture if you're just going by the numbers. prayer, meditation and/or yoga is also said to help curb stress. Laughter is good for the soul so if you can enjoy a comedy it's good. Trying to stay in the moment and not take on the whole rest of your life helps too.

[mfh]

Yes, Kay...to all of the above....Mary

[melina]

432 for me on the stress scale - not as high as Kay, but still on the high end. 62 on the burn-out scale which according to the test means I'm at high risk for burn-out. Not surprising maybe that I'm feeling tired and on edge.

Melina