Ton Of Bricks

[DeAnneD]

Hi everyone,

My beloved significant other, Charles, died from colon cancer on Feb 19th of this year. While I was married for many years, it was not until I met him three years ago that I felt truly loved and accepted. Due to work circumstances, we wound up living in different states, which has it's own set of horrible issues when someone is gravely sick. I had lost both my father, when I was 13 and my mother, when I was 33, both to forms of cancer, so I am not a stranger to grief. But this death was something completely different for me...he was the soulmate that at 50, I had finally found. It was like a sick joke when he was diagnosed in Oct. I look back and think I never realized, or realized really late that he was dying, because without me there, he could shelter me and protect me and gave me only good reports (I was willing to believe them, of course). The truth was not something I wanted to hear.

I guess my concern today is that I can be fine; busy teaching, or taking photos, or...whatever, and okay and something happens and I feel overwhelmingly sad and just want to cry and go to bed for a few days. It happened tonight on my way home from seeing a movie, I just started crying. Is this normal, this drastic change in my mood?

I am glad I found this place. It feels like a place of acceptance and knowledge from people who, tragically, are in the same place as I am. So tell me, is it natural to have these emotions come from know where and hit me like a ton of bricks?

[sdk]

Dear DeAnne,

I am so sorry for your loss. The ever changing emotions are very hard but is part of the journey. I foind that has the months have gone by (its been 5 months since Jim died) I cry more and more. I find myself crying in the car, in a store, when I am sitting on my deck listening to music, day or night. Whenever I am busy it is a few minutes of distraction but then something will pop into my head and the tears start flowing. I have found that I just let it happen and for a few minutes I block out the rest of the world and just cry. It may sound selfish but right now I feel its all about me and I do what I want when I want no matter what anyone says. Writing on this forum helps because we are all feeing the same way and it does help to know we are not alone and doing anything wrong. Talking to people who are experiencing similiar feelings and emotions tells us we are not going crazy, Keep writing. Speak to you soon

[mfh]

The emotions you both talk about are very common. I think you could ask anyone on this board and they would say the same thing happens to them. It certainly happens to me. I can be with someone for lunch or at an event and be having a decent time and get in my car and within seconds the waterfall starts. Or I can see something that brings back a memory and be in major tears within second. Just about anything can bring on the tears. I have learned to live with these events. It does not happen as much now (2 years since Bill died) for sure but it still does happen. I call them ambushes or tsunamis of grief. I was with a friend last week whose husband died 20 years ago and she and I were discussing her paintings and something hit a chord and she was in tears. I rarely see that happen with her but it does happen on a rare occasion. Our emotions are caught off guard.

I still remember the first time I was caught off guard. It was early after Bill died...not sure when..I opened the cabinet to get a coffee mug out and there was his favorite mug. Now I had opened that cabinet many times since he died and that mug was there but on this day for some unknown reason it sent me reeling into tears.

Hope this helps you to know you are not crazy.

Peace

Mary

[Lina]

I am so sorry you lost your Charles. *hugs* What you described happens to me often. I am going along and seem ok and then wham...I am a sobbing mess.

[zeeks]

I am so very sorry! I feel for you in a very dramatic way...Roger was my true soulmate! He, unlike countless others truly "accepted" me for just that , me. Parents love us and care for us, most people say that their parents "accept" them. I know that I was loved by mine, cared for in such ways that never left a shadow of a doubt. But to feel truly accepted by them? No... I always felt I had to be or become someone else other than who I was to be accepted anywhere or by anyone. I also suffer from a social anxiety disorder to which leaving home to even perform simple things like grocery shopping leads to exhaustion and immobility. I can not let this "get" to me though as before he, Roger, passed we were the soul guardians of my 2 grandchildren. They lost their mother when they were very young and 2 years later my husband; their pap; which was more like their father than our son at the time. Trying to make their lives as normal as possible so they can enjoy the advantages that only children can know or feel... yet when Roger died, a part of me died too. I have tried furthering my education, centering on the girls, all temporary states which inevitably end... then the grief takes over again. It has been 6 years since he passed and I feel as much in a "fog"as ever. Grief I feel never heals, Mary told me about an ailment so to speak of complicated grief... it has it's own sight, I have tried to form my own as well...Memories on Facebook... all I have found educational or forms of release but nothing helps. They say time heals all... if it was not for my faith in God and my girls I do not think I would be here to post or write at all. I guess I just wanted you to know that I understood the acceptance part, and I have not read that before you. Glad to know someone else feels similar to me in that magnification mode. Zeeks

Edited June 18, 2012 by MartyT
Links embedded

[mfh]

Hello seeks,

I just read your post and I am so sorry your grief is so difficult to handle and that fog dominates your life. I suspect it was Marty (not Mary) who mentioned complicated grief to you (not sure) and if that is true I hope you will consider getting some face to face grief counseling as it can make a huge difference. You have a lot on your plate raising kids, dealing with grief and dealing with a diagnosis of sociall anxiety. I would think a group or person to person counseling could assist you at this time. I wish you peace. Mary

[sdk]

Hello Zeeks,

I am so sorry for your loss. Grief is so very hard. I have found that going to one to one counseling really has helped me. I find she doesn't tell me how to feel or what to do but reaffirms that what I am feeling is normal and that I need to feel what I feel, cry when I cry, yell if I need to and follow through on my instincts. Please ask your own medical doctor for the name of someone who they recommend and try it. It should help. Keep in touch.

Sheryl

[DeAnneD]

Hi Zeeks,

I am so sorry for your loss. A fog is a good description not completly aware of what is going on. I went to a counselor 4 days after Charles died. In looking back, this might have been the one best thing for me. I don't know about all of you, but I just hate burdening my friends. I know they are there, but how long can you cry on their shoulders before they are ready to move on without you. I find a counselor is always there, always ready to help.

I am actually relieved to hear you all do this okay/sobbing/okay thing. I thought I was alone.

Peace and huggles to you all.

DeAnne

[kayc]

Zeeks, I echo the others when I say a grief counselor might be of some benefit. I am one of the many that employed the aid of a counselor when my husband died.

I think it takes time to heal from such a loss, but I don't think time alone heals, it seems it requires great effort and energy to go through this grief journey. You have done your part and if you don't feel you are where you want to be after six years of trying, it could be that a grief counselor could help you transverse this journey.

I know there are social anxiety forums on line too because my husband used to belong to one...I wish I could remember the name of it, but alas it's been too long. Keep us posted on how you're doing, okay?

[ANC1117]

DeAnne and Zeeks,

You are not alone with the "on-again-off-again" emotional roller-coaster. I play a huge roll in my family's business with many people's financial wellbeing at stake. When I get hit with an emotional trigger It can shut me down for a day or two. I am fortunate that I have a small support team to help me out and know me enough to know when I need time. Having a support team helps me even in my personal life.

Anthony

[DeAnneD]

I am a teacher and have some time off during the summer, which I am finding is not really a great thing this year. I have been in a training class since monday and felt so much better all week, today I am off and am overwhelmed with sadness and just...emptiness. Ugh, makes me want to crawl into bed and sleep the weekend. I am glad I am seeing my therapist tomorrow. Just venting.

[DeAnneD]

So today was a good day. I got up early and walked and felt better. Although, I am finding that I am waiting for the other shoe to fall. This one day happy, and then a giant wave of sad, is making the little bit of happy seems...doomed.

Charles worked for a national shoe company as a buisness analysis and he loved when I would say I was waiting for the other shoe to drop. He would answer with something stupid like "What shoes? Umberto Raffinis?, Danskos?, Eccos?" "Was it the left one or the right one?" Things like that..he was a funny guy, but a dork at times. : >)

[mfh]

DeAnneD

I think we have to enjoy the good moments and knowing tough ones will come try not to think of it as taking anything away from the good moment. The good moments get closer together over time. Your Charles sounds like a fun filled guy. I am so sorry for your loss. Just take a day at a time...even a moment on some days.

Peace

Mary

[kayc]

It's stuff like that that you miss.