Struggling

[amw]

I am having such a hard time lately, I just feel like I can't move forward, as I keep struggling to work through all the financial, emotional and physical pain. I have been having a hard time sleeping at night, and can't seem to get with it during the day, most days. I am tired of fighting for help, and the repetition of all of it is tiring and time consuming. I am so drained and have no fight left. It has been just over 2 months since I lost Jim, had to go through both our birthdays, memorial day, and now the 4th with out him. I don't even try to get a hold of so called friends on the phone, or by texting any more because I don't have the energy, and they are not making the effort to reply back. I just feel so tired, lonely and that I am being pulled under the water of life, and don't have the energy to keep swimming to the top for air. I don't feel I have anything to be possitive about, even though I know in my head I should, I just don't. When people tell me to think of the possitive, it upsets me, because there are no possitives going on in my life since Jim died. I went to take the trash out today, just to find I had a flat tire. I just don't know how much more I can take. I never use to be like this even having many set backs in my life, But this time it may just be too much.

[nats]

AMW,

I have traveled down the same path in many months past, first, what your feeling is normal for many of us

if we really have a normal, second, I don't want to be insensitive but here is how I delt with many of my own setbacks...

on many days I looked myself in the mirror and told myself I would not be beaten by grief or fighting the insurance company I had to go on for myself now "I" is what mattered, I also reminded myself of the fight Ruth had and that she would not have wanted defeat for me, and I would guess Jim would feel much the same I know I would as a husband had the tables been turned I would have wanted Ruth to carry on an conquer as we did as one...may you find some peace and strength in just knowing we are all or have gone thru the same feelings....

NATS

[ANC1117]

amw,

I was there too; it seemed as if I was in an ongoing dream/haze. All the friends in my life went back to their normal lives and I felt abandoned. Although there are times now when I don't want to be bothered as I deal with my grief. Just today as I laid in bed (ignoring my alarm and cell phone calls/texts), the thought came over me that Celene would have kicked my butt out of bed and told me to get to work. I did return the important calls and made it out to a few job sites as well. Dealing with the insurance company, utility companies, creditors was very exhausting for me too; even had utilities turned off when I was told by a friend they were taken care of. I do believe I noticed more of the "bad" in my life, during those early months, then the "good". Be strong, breathe often, and know you have someone watching over you that will listen even when others are not available. Prayers and understanding...

Anthony

[mfh]

Two months is a very short time since you lost Jim. When I think back I do not even remember the first perhaps four months...though I do remember Bill's funeral and a few isolated events. I understand the energy drain of grief, believe me. However, I have learned that sitting around drains it more. Getting outside for short walks helps create energy. Is that a possibility? I do understand your frustration with those who tell you to be positive. You just lost the most important person in your life and someone says, "be positive". you want to hit them along side their heads. On the flip side, looking at everything that is hard or bad in your life constantly just drains your energy. Is there something you can make yourself do that would be a distraction for a couple of hours each day? As I said to Anthony...for me that was art. Learning how to mix paints and watching on line instruction videos gave me a focus that I ultimately used to express my sadness so it was all related to my grief but also gave my mind a break. Grief is exhausting...are you taking a nap or two daily. Just some ideas that are helping me. Peace, Mary

[kayc]

I had to go right back to work after George died, I had two weeks off but still had to go to payroll even during that time. I was so busy making funeral arrangements, calling people, picking up his ashes, going to the soc. sec. office, etc. I didn't have any time alone. After I went back to work it was hard to concentrate on work, I hate to think of the mistakes I must have made. Beyond that, I don't remember much about the first few months, just feeling frantic, and everyone abandoned me. They all said "if you need anything, call" but none of them responded if I tried. I do remember two ladies from the church coming up every Tues. eve. for the first year to have me show them how to make cards...I realized later they weren't that interested in the cards so much as trying to get me interested in something and being there for me. But then they abruptly stopped coming and I was left alone again anyway. It's just a tough thing to work through. Kids don't understand how hard it is, no one does unless they've been through it. You do get more used to being alone although you may not learn to like it.

[mfh]

Kay, tonight I went to a play at our local theatre. This is professional theater. The gal who invited me just lost her sister to murder. We shared a lot. Anyway, There was a line in the play that bill would have soooo enjoyed. On my way home I actually had this flash that I would share it with him when I got home. It was so weird...I mean I really forgot for a moment that he was gone. Sooo home alone...and no, I do not see myself ever liking it. I'm with you on that.

Mary

[amw]

Nats, Anthony, Mary and Kay,

Thanks for your support!

I am trying to get things done around my apartment, sorting, purging (not Jim's stuff, just mine), organizing rearranging and so on. But, I find myself not being able to stay on trask very well, and some days just can't get myself to do anything. Have any of you gone through not being able to remember where you put something, even something you use every day like your keys? I generally put them on the table by my chair, but there are days I look for them or other things that I know where they should be, but it is as if they grew legs and walked off.

I'm still trying to get a lot of things worked out financially, but it is so exhausting and drains much of my energy and the little bit of mind I have right now. That also bothers me because I am generally on top of all this type of stuff, and I feel like a bumbling idiot since Jim died.

I will be starting a couple of grief classes through hospice next week, but don't know what to expect, and worry I won't have the energy to deal with them either. But, going to give it a shot, hoping they can help some.

amw

[mfh]

Dear amw,

Concentrating, staying on task, getting things done, getting going are all things I have still have trouble with often. Early on I was paralyzed. If finding my computer glasses in the refrigerator and forgetting to put someone's ad in my publication count...I was quite forgetful...still but not as bad...though I am experiencing a "set back" of sorts these days. It is exhausting...as if a battle is going on without you all day long. Just try to accept it. think about having a cast off your leg after 12 weeks. The leg is very weak and it takes time to get the strength back. You would just accept that as par for the course. That is what grief is like...our job is to flow with it...I am learning. I remember when I broke my ankle playing racquetball (I went after the winning point and got it but broke the bone). After 12 weeks in a cast I was sitting on the exam table while the doc sawed the cast off. I then jumped off the table and fell flat on my face because the leg was like spaghetti. We are not the person we were...we are exhausted, distracted, sad, scattered. It is what it is...be patient. Easy for me to say....now.

As for the grief classes, you might find them energizing because you will feel heard.

Mary

[ANC1117]

Daily I misplace or forget things. Not sure if you have ever looked at something, and at the moment wondered why, then later realized it was a message to grab/take/pick up that item. I have began to act on those unknown mental messages to help me not to forget things. Just my experiences... Prayers and understanding.

Anthony

[amw]

Anthony,

Thanks for the suggestions, yeah I have those moments and wonder why too! Sorry it has been a few days, my computer is acting up. Just one more thing I need going on right now, haha!

Trying to have a sense of humor, but just don't feel like it. I was in my closet the other day and picked up this little bear that Jim had gotten for me when I was in the hospital from a fall down my stairs, it has a button to push to hear it's little lines. I pushed it and it said "don't forget to laugh today, I sure miss your smile" and the next one said " I want you to know I am thinking of you" after that it said a few others, but it was wierd how these were the first two it played, as if a message from Jim. I could only imagine what I would of looked like if I had seen myself in a mirror, it really surprised me to say the least, but maybe it was his way of sending me a message.

amw

[kayc]

That little bear is sweet!

[amw]

Kay,

It is very sweet, and that is why I picked it up that night. Just looked up and saw it, maybe Jim made me look up just to see the bear and pick it up, to hear his messages. At least I would like to think so!

He told me early in our relationship that he usually didn't do the gifts/flowers for valentine's day, we would usually just go for dinner and sometimes a movie, even though I always did the sappy cards and a little gift basket I would make up for him. So in 2010 I was shocked to say the least when he got me a stuffed bear holding a heart and a box of chocolates. The chocolates are long gone, but the large bear sits on the shelf in my closet next to the basket of smaller stuffed animals I have recieved as gifts over the years, or picked up on our vacations. That is what made me look up, the larger bear, then I looked over to the basket and picked up the little bear with the message.

Sorry, I know you didn't want to hear all that.

amw

[widower]

Hang in there amw. As you can see, you are perhaps doing better than you realized and aren't alone as to what you're feeling/experiencing. The tiredness, lack of sleep, hopelessness etc - it's very "normal," if there is such a thing when going down this road. I've been at this more months than you and going through much of it yet. You need to give it time, plenty of time, and work through it however you can. Best to you