Hurt

[Durbin]

There has just been one advantage to my life since my husband passed away from Cancer seven and a half months ago. I am able to get out of bed easier in the mornings than I used to. Now for the worst things:

Whenever I go out and I see couples together holding hands or looking at one another I am devastated and glad to get back home. I cannot bear them saying my wife and I do this or go there or vice versa. I feel like saying please shut up as I can't bear it.

I am off on a short break alone for the first time next month - have never ventured alone before as we were always together going away on holidays or shopping or dining out and so on. I have given up on people who will not come with me anywhere or even come in to have a cup of tea with me - they are always busy busy busy - not interested really if the truth be told. Once you are alone that is it - the message is get on with it. Life can be so cruel or rather people do not want to get in touch anymore. Oh yes I have tried phoning but the couple who used to come in to see both my husband and myself have now got on with their own lives and I detect that the wife does not want to any more as I am now on my own without a partner. I'm afraid I am getting past caring and so angry with people even though I don't show it.

It seems to me that alone one has to fight and battle for everything - you are left on a scrap heap.

Please do not tell me to have a hobby as I have had several hobbies and done things with my life = I just need a bit of kindness and understanding. I'm not a clingy person anyway.

[kayc]

Oh Durban, I'm sorry for what you are experiencing and feeling...been there, and in many ways, still am there. When George died it's as if I lost all of my friends, even his family...I never heard from them again other than his brother wanting something initially and his dad complaining once, that's it. A couple from our church that we used to socialize with a lot, they have never once invited me over after he died. George would be amazed to see how our friends turned out. His best friends all disappeared, didn't once help me or check on me...they moved, changed their numbers...amazing! I think he really thought they would all be there for me!

None of them would be of any use anyway, when it comes down to it, I am treated like a fifth wheel with "couples", like I'm of lesser value or something...if truth be known, this could happen to any of them at any given moment. There is no difference between me and them except the bottom dropped out of my world whereas their's went on intact. I don't think they have a clue how greatly it affects your life...forever.

[Anne E]

Isn't that just the truth? It isn't limited to just couples, groups of widows or single women can be just as insensitive. Dick has been gone for 4 years, I moved to Colorado 3 years ago to be closer to our son and I have done many of the things suggested to help me get acquainted and to be part of the new community. I have been involved in church and other organizations or hobbies. I have yet been asked to do anything socially with another living human beings unless I have rather invited myself, pushed my way in.

I will be included in that one specific thing, but never invited again. It's like I am only visible at the moment, and it never seems to cross their minds that the new person to the group or area might just like to go to lunch, go have a cup of coffee, go see a movie, go shopping, join the book club, whatever.

It is just great and I am good enough to volunteer and work for or with them on committees, run Bible School, sing in the choir, play in the bell choir, tutor children, etc., but I'm not good enough or something to socialize with them. I would think that other widows and single women would understand how lonely single life is and would be a bit sensitive, but I guess not.

It too makes me angry and makes me insecure. I wonder what I have done wrong, or if I am just not likeable. Granted, I have been very depressed, sad, unhappy, weepy, etc., etc., but, I am adjusting to being alone and my mood and out look on life has improved. It's just that I don't really think I want to Just Be Alone for the rest of my life. I would enjoy going out to dinner with someone other than my son and his friends.

I guess people just aren't all that friendly any more?????

Anne

[kayc]

Anne,

Boy, I don't know what to tell you there, except I've experienced the same thing, and I'm not weepy anymore, some of the people in my church weren't there when George was alive or died so they aren't even aware of what I've been through, they just know I'm not attached and so I don't carry the same value as someone who is married. I get the distinct impression people in our society values couples over singles. Very pathetic. Unfortunately, my kids don't live nearby so I am pretty much alone except for my pets.

[amw]

Durbin,

It is sooooooooo the truth, I agree with all of you!

I have to say I have been going through much of this too.

My husband's best friend told me he would be here and we would get together often, and they would help take care of me the way Jim would want them to do. He won't answer my calls or texts, haven't heard from him since 2 weeks after Jim died.

Both his family and mine have gone back to their lives, and don't call or check on me, or even invite me over. My friends have walked away, too! Someone told me it is called death cooties, and someone else told me it is because we remind them of what could happen to them, and it is to much for them to handle.

Not sure who is right, but I agree with you, it hurts and it hits us deeply because it's more loss on top of our losses of our beloved spouses.

People are so busy thinking about themselves, they forget there are others that need to feel wanted and accepted and apart of something too! People are not as open and friendly as they use to be, and life in general for most people is so high speed and husle and busle they don't know how to connect with others. Just my opinion!

Kay,

Yeah, Jim would be suprised and shocked at our friends and family too!

I at least expected his family to be here, not mine, they are not supportive at all.

When I had to stop at my parents with my son to have my dad help him with a tire issue last week all I heard the whole time I was there was how I needed to loss weight, my mom even told me I needed bariatric surgery. I admit I am about 30 or 40 lbs over weight, but to get this was beyond words. I guess it shouldn't suprise me, as this is always how they have been.Still hurts though. Pets do help, if I didn't have Chloe I don't know if I could of made it this far, she keeps me going.

Anne,

I agree with you! I am sorry you are going through this cold shoulder treatment! All we want is to be accepted and apart of things that are going on. People can be so heartless and cruel!

[Durbin]

Thankyou all for replying to me - it is good to know that there are others who understand so well.

To cap it all I have been let down yet again today = the couple promised to help as one part of the holder on the wall fell down and I can't screw it back on also other small little minor mishaps have occurred but true to form no one has come near. I should have known better than to ask for help.

It is hard when you try to do things alone as you had support before with your partner i.e. when he wasn't ill. It is a terrible situation to be in. I lose myself in reading and watching TV as I don't get much phone calls anymore and as to visits what happened there. The loneliness is hard to bear and I definitely prefer to keep away from couples as much as I can as it is so heartbreaking to see their closeness and companionship together.

It is good to communicate together on this site as we have all lost a partner or loved one. I lost my parents - my father at the age of 12 years and my mother was killed on the road - I was 38 years of age then and this was a terrible blow. I do not have any brothers or sisters but I have 3 children - two are far away and one is nearer but I only see her once a week if I'm lucky. Things have changed today not like it used to be - the caring has disappeared.

[zeeks]

Yep! it is so very true. Roger was my life, we worked together, went home together. I needed him like

the air we breathe! He taught me so very much... now, just like you say... "the scrap heap" ; it is not that I hate to be alone, it is that I miss being a couple... someone that knows my feelings and thoughts without me ever needing to say them. If I could have one wish it would be that the whole world could meet my Roger; if only just to meet the greatest man alive! Then everyone would know how and why life is so unbearable! He was an ANGEL that happend to be on earth too short a time!

Scap heap ...yes... I fully understand/

[kayc]

I guess "others" just serve to make the one we lost stand out all the more! My George was the most caring person I've ever met, I guess I was just lucky to have him in my life at all, however short it turned out to be.

[widower]

Durbin,

I don't know if it helps, but as you can see, much of this is shockingly common. The disappearing act by "friends," the unbearable loneliness, the feeling of utter defeat. I'm so sorry. I've been there and am still there as well, so I can relate to the cruelty of it all. I hope that venting/sharing/whatever here can help at least a little. Only one who's gone through it can really understand to any degree. Keep fighting! This takes time and lots of it. And you may find yourself making new friends as well.

[Durbin]

Durbin,

I don't know if it helps, but as you can see, much of this is shockingly common. The disappearing act by "friends," the unbearable loneliness, the feeling of utter defeat. I'm so sorry. I've been there and am still there as well, so I can relate to the cruelty of it all. I hope that venting/sharing/whatever here can help at least a little. Only one who's gone through it can really understand to any degree. Keep fighting! This takes time and lots of it. And you may find yourself making new friends as well.

[Durbin]

Thankyou for showing me the courage to fight on instead of retreating as I sometimes feel like doing and giving up.

Today I felt really down but got up and cooked some cakes - forced myself to do something. It is hard though. I cannot share with anyone any more as I tried to offer some to a neighbour and the answer is always no therefore I do not get any satisfaction of doing something for someone. Everything nowadays is done for myself and I am not that type of person really.

I suppose I help an old lady friend when I visit her as she is totally blind, has vertigo and keeps falling down in her home. She is glad to see me call once a week. It is a shame as she used to be so active but now talks to a cuddly toy all the time pretending its her baby.

It is now 8 months since the loss of my husband from Cancer and as you all know really its a lonely place to be in right now.

[Anne E]

Ah, here we go again. I just looked on Facebook and saw pictures my brother and his family posted showing what they are doing on their vacation in Colorado Springs, 45 minutes from where I live. Do you think they just forget that we are "friends" on facebook and I will see what they post?

I will never understand people in general, my family in particular. Here they all are, 45 minutes from my house and they don't even call. What's up with that?

However, when I am in Kansas, I travel 2 hours each way to see them. I call, tell them when I will be in the state, ask if they would be available for a visit. If it is convenient, then I make the trip to meet them at a restaurant in the town THEY live in as they never invite me to their home and have lunch and visit for a couple of hours.

I refuse to be as thoughtless as they are, but it does hurt. It also hurts when they tell me how painful it is to see me without Dick. Sometimes they almost act like it is wrong for me to "look good" and to "act happy". However, if I get weepy, they tell me to move on and get over the loss.

What's a person to do?

People are so strange, and my brothers and their families are the strangest.

Durban, Good for you! If you feel like baking.....bake away. I have decided that I owe it to my beloved, wonderful husband to be who and what I am. If I want to sign and dance, I will sing and dance. If I feel the need to sit and weep, I will sit and weep. I will not suffer fools, I WILL look for joy, even if I have to spend all day in the search.

My epiphany recently is that I am responsible for my feelings, my joy and my contentment. It is unrealistic for me to try to understand the actions of others, I can only be responsible and try to understand my actions.

Sometimes remembering that helps, other times, stuff just makes me angry.

Today, I am just bewildered!

Anne

[mfh]

Anne, I am so sorry your family acts in such a thoughtless and rude way. I can imagine how that hurts. It is truly amazing that when we need family the most they just can't seem to rise to the occasion. I have had some of that also. I agree that being who you are is so important. That is who your husband married and loved and adored. He would be proud of you choosing to be yourself...whoever that is at any given moment.

Peace

mary

[kayc]

Anne, You have the right attitude and thinking!