Wifflesnook Posted August 9, 2012 Report Share Posted August 9, 2012 Tomorrow I have to do a really hard thing. Pete and I bought a two acre field in 2002. We love this field. We decided we would run it as a small nature reserve. We cut paths, planted trees, enlarged the pond. Every year we went and cut the paths for wild life and in order to walk around easily. The last ime we were there was in October 2011 when Pete went and cleared the pond and I helped him. In Nvember Pete had the stroke. In May 2012 Pete died. I haven't been to the field since we were there together, but I knew I needed some one to cut the paths so I asked someone I know. He has now done it and today he told me he had and said he would Ike me to go and look tomorrow to see of it was ok. I was totally shocked at the thought of going. He said Maybe I need a push? I agreed but decided I needed a friend to go along. She is coming. As someone whose son was killed six years ago she totally understands where I am right now. So I am going. Since agreeing I have been in tears for most of the time. I just hope I can cope. I know in my bones that as a person in denial about Petes death the reason I dont want to go is because if I go without him I may for the first time truly know that he is dead. That may sound stupid. He has been dead for four months but I don't believe it yet. Tomorrow I may have to believe it (or maybe not?). I'm not sure if I can stand the reality. Do you know what I mean? I think I have to go through with this somehow. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MartyT Posted August 9, 2012 Report Share Posted August 9, 2012 Jan, my dear, it strikes me that when you speak of denial, it's as if your denial is an "all or nothing" proposition. Maybe if you could look at denial a bit differently, you may begin to feel a bit differently too. In normal grief there is nothing intrinsically wrong with denial ~ Like anything else in grief, it's a matter of degree ~ and there is a reason it's called a DEFENSE mechanism. In grief, denial helps to protect us against the harsh reality that our world has been turned upside down and our life is forever changed in the aftermath of significant loss. If we had to take in all at once the enormity of this loss, there is no way we could survive it. Like the proverbial elephant we must eat, we can only chew and swallow this in bites and pieces that are small enough to digest and absorb ~ otherwise we'd choke! Maybe you can look at this excursion as taking one small bite of this big elephant that's on your plate, and if you find that it's too big a bite and you can't swallow it, then build in a way for you to back out of it and leave. Good for you for asking a friend to accompany you ~ especially one who knows firsthand the agony of loss. Let her know that you might feel a need to back out of your engagement at the last minute, or even in the middle of it, and make plans ahead of time for how you will get back home where you feel safer and more comfortable. The point is this: Don't beat yourself up for "being in denial" ~ Trust me, Jan ~ the fact that you're actively participating in an online grief discussion forum for Loss of a Spouse is a pretty good indicator that you KNOW your beloved husband has died. You are not denying that harsh reality. You're simply facing it gradually, as your mind and heart are able to withstand the agonizing pain and difficult challenge of it all. ♥ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ANC1117 Posted August 9, 2012 Report Share Posted August 9, 2012 Jan, I had a very similar situation. On the day I received the call from my daughter that Celene had stopped breathing, I was working on a friends cabin. At the time I got the call, the paramedics had not arrived yet. Being hours away from home, all I could do was pray and hurry back home to be with her and help my daughter. On my drive home, I didn't know Celene never took another breath. Being that the cabin was still in need of completion, I knew on day I would have to return. I prolonged that return for as long as I could, until my friend said he could wait no longer. I can recall my drive to the cabin and how many times I cried on-and-off, especially when I got out of my vehicle. Once there, I took a moment to reflect on the event of that day and how my life had changed. Several thoughts entered my mind: what if I had stayed home?; is Celene looking down on me right now?; am I making the right choices for our daughter and me now?; why Celene? I have been back to that cabin several times since that day and I do occasionally have flashbacks of that day. I do feel that going back helped me to seek out many answers to the questions I asked that day. It was a walk that I needed to take on my journey. It too was around four months after Celene died that I made that visit. I believe that you will find your visit may bring questions that you too will find the answers to. Strength and encouragement. Anthony Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wifflesnook Posted August 10, 2012 Author Report Share Posted August 10, 2012 Thanks Marty and Anthony I can't sleep (one am here) so saw your replies. I found them helpful and wise. I think I will cope and will have support and I know I have to do it some time. Maybe it will help. I just don't know. Thanks. Jan Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MartyT Posted August 10, 2012 Report Share Posted August 10, 2012 Do let us know how it goes for you, Jan ~ and know that you're taking all of us with you in spirit, supporting you every step of the way ♥ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted August 10, 2012 Report Share Posted August 10, 2012 I totally relate and agree with what Marty said about denial...there is nothing wrong with denial...it protects us until we're in a more ready state to face things, and then it can still be done in increments. Do know we are all there with you and let us know how it goes, okay? PS: I think it's cool what you two have done for the animals. I love animals, that's why I live where I do! Two days ago I saw the most amazing thing...it was a first in my 34 years here, I saw a whole bunch of baby elk. It was the most priceless sight! I've seen fawns, continually over the years, but never baby elk, these were so tiny and beautiful! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wifflesnook Posted August 10, 2012 Author Report Share Posted August 10, 2012 Dear friends I had an awful night before it but the visit was ok. Me friend went with me. She offered to stay behind if I wanted to walk round on my own bit I wasn't ready for that. I just talked to her about the field and what we had done in it and didn't dig too deep. I find myself living at a shallow level and not allowing myself to think too much, and at the moment this seems to be my way of coping with the loss of Pete,. Marty it is a sort of denial which acknowledges my loss at one level, but not the full impact. I don't know exactly what I mean except that if I allowed myself to truly know what had happened I couldn't take it right now so although I think about nothing else but losing Pete, I do it at a shallow level. It's weird but I think this is all I can cope with right now.i am glad I went as the paths had been cut really well and this weekend I think I shall take our daughter and her two little girls whilst the path is short, I had thought I would never be able to go again so this is a good step I have taken, though it doesn't feel in any way like a healing step. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted August 11, 2012 Report Share Posted August 11, 2012 Jan, It is always good when we take that step, even if we don't let ourselves feel full impact. I did that too, for a long time, only allowing myself what I could handle, staying sometimes just on the surface, but it all gets through eventually. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wifflesnook Posted August 11, 2012 Author Report Share Posted August 11, 2012 Oh did you Kay? So I am not the only one to do that. It seems the only way I can do it. Morning here and I woke to deep deep grief. Mornings are the worst for me. I suppose we have to readjust every time we wake don't we? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
enna Posted August 12, 2012 Report Share Posted August 12, 2012 I am so glad that I am not the only one who is operating in denial. One thing that I am holding on to is that we are not on a time clock. Each of us will take the steps we are ready for when we are ready. I am still under three months since my Jim passed and I know I keep a protected shield around me and that is ok. enna Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted August 12, 2012 Report Share Posted August 12, 2012 Denial is a built in mechanism to protect us until we can better cope with things. So are out of body experiences and split/multi personalities. Our bodies are most amazing when you think of it...in the end we discover we can and will survive. Now the "want to" is the challenging part... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wifflesnook Posted August 13, 2012 Author Report Share Posted August 13, 2012 Yes it must be, because it seems so very odd to me. I have lived with Pete for so long, and am now having to exist without him. I think of him every second just about, and am deeply deeply wretched. And yet I still think deep down that this is a temporary thing and he will come back to me. Well, life is temporary and one day I too will die so perhaps both those things are true. But I am expecting them to happen differently I think. My whole understanding of life is different now, and I seek some way of connecting with him, even though I don't believe in the Christian story. I do feel there must be more, and that he can't have just disappeared entirely. I have had my daughter and grand daughters here this weekend. I have to keep myself together whilst they are here. It's so hard, but I do find this site a help. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted August 13, 2012 Report Share Posted August 13, 2012 Jan, I think most of us believe in some form of afterlife, whether we ascribe to a religion or not. We have the knowledge that things do change form and that we have a spirit that is separate from our body. I really saw that in my little niece. She was born without a brain, only had a little nubbin that controlled reflexes such as swallowing and breathing. She had no cognizant abilities, no ability to think or form thoughts. I had previously thought our brain was the center and if that was gone, we didn't exist...after all, when the brain dies, they take us off of life support. But this little baby definitely had a spirit, I could see that, it was very sweet, and felt so blessed to get to know her, even though we knew her life would go different than we had thought. She lived almost to two. You can see when the spirit passes that the body is an empty shell, I saw that when my George passed, that he wasn't there. I knew if his spirit left, it had to go somewhere! He was much too vibrant a person to just "not exist" any longer. I believe I will be with him someday and I hope I don't have to wait another 30 years to do so. My mom is 90 and after watching her progressing dementia and the things she goes through, there is no way I want to live that long! I don't feel my life is over, but my life as I knew it no longer exists. I hope there's something good left, I'm just not sure what or when that will be. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wifflesnook Posted August 13, 2012 Author Report Share Posted August 13, 2012 Dear Kay Thank you for your thoughtful and sensitive reply to me. This is why I love this site. People like you respond to ME. You hear what I say. Oh what an affecting story about your niece. Thank you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ANC1117 Posted August 14, 2012 Report Share Posted August 14, 2012 Jan, I am so glad you went to visit your field. I am also glad to hear that your planning another visit. As time passes, I hope you have the opportunity to feel more engaged to continue many of the dreams you and Pete shared for your future. Patient and hopeful. Anthony Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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