Sadness Suddenly Stabs At My Heart

[enna]

To those who have lost a spouse and others who are listening,

Today I’m so sad. This sadness stabs at me and my heart aches. I miss the love of my life and I want him back and I know that that won’t happen. What I don’t know is will this deep ache ease after awhile? It has only been a little over three months. I am trying to read about grief, listen to music, read poetry, read about what others are going through but the ache is almost unbearable. I don’t want my husband to be dead. He knows that I would have continued to care for him for however long. Why does it have to hurt so much? Some days I feel good and at peace and days like today I don’t know what I’m going to do without him. How does one get the courage to walk alone after so many years walking with your soul mate? enna

[kayc]

Enna, Yes the deep ache will change form and won't have this intensity forever. It will become something more bearable and eventually you'll learn to carry him inside of you so you can reach down inside and find him any time you want. Hang in there...

[mfh]

Enna, when Bill died in March of 2010, NO one could have convinced me that the pain eases and we learn how to weave it into the fabric of our lives, learn from it and integrate it. i.e. that it got better. I am here to say that as sad as I feel it IS easier. As much as I miss Bill every single day, I deal with the loss much better now in spite of that persistent desire to have him next to me... It will get easier...one day at a time.

Peace to your heart,

mary

[MartyT]

Enna, my dear, I think it's also helpful to know that it is not at all unusual for you to be feeling as you do right now. In the normal course of grief, it is often at this point (three to six months down the road) that the initial shock and numbness start to wear off, as your mind begins to absorb what your heart does not want to accept: the harsh reality of all that you have lost. This is not to say that you're not making forward progress, because just as the numbness gradually subsides, you are also learning to mobilize your inner resources and gain the strength you need to absorb the shock and tolerate the pain. This is a process, not a single event. Like the pain of missing an amputated limb, the reality of this loss will be with you always, but the intensity of the pain will diminish over time, as you learn not only how to live with it but how to manage it. The courage you need is not something you will "get" ~ it is the courage you already have within you. It's the courage to keep going forward, putting one foot in front of the other, one moment, one hour, one day at a time. You may not think you have that courage right now, but we all know it's there. And you can depend on us to hold it for you until you're ready to hold it again on your own. ♥

[Wifflesnook]

Dear Enna it's the same for me four months after my beloved Pete, my husband for fifty years, died. So far I don't have any freedom from pain and grief and I can't imagine it. It is either a deep dull ache or a sharp intensive one. I do believ people on this forum when they say I won't always be in this dark place but I cant imagine anything changing.i looked after Pete too and hard as that was it was better thn this absence. And I have been physically Il lately too which obviously doesn't make things any easier when your beloved husband isn't there to care for you. We have to keep going and that is all we can do right now. Jan

[enna]

Kay,

Your responses are always so comforting - you are a very caring person and I am glad I'm on this site. I feel privileged to be taking part in this group.

Mary,

I really like your idea of 'integrating' our pain and how you remind me that it's 'one day at a time' - kind of like Marty's advice -'putting one foot in front of the other, one moment, one hour, one day at a time.' Thank you for being here for a 'new' griever as I reach out for that courage so many of you already have.

Marty,

Once again your insight has been a life line for me during this grief journey. Thank you for the encouragement and gently reminding me that I can learn to 'live with and manage' my ache.

Jan,

Are you or have you taken the online class - 'The First Year of Grief: Help for the Journey' by our Marty T.? I am and I chose to receive the e-mails twice a month. I feel the class will give me some ideas to cope with this intense ache. It is also available in book form. I am reading your posts because of how close our losses are. Be well and keep posting. Today is a new day. enna

[mfh]

Enna, you also have the courage already. I did not know I had it either but by going one day at a time...it seems to take less courage....i.e. i only needed the courage to get through that one day. It did not seem so insurmountable. I still live that way even as I think about the rest of my life and where I am going. You will make it. Peace

Mary

[Wifflesnook]

Dear Enna

Yes I am subscribing to Martys course. I chose to have it daily but I am going to copy it all and read it again slowly. It is very good indeed. I am accumulating a lots of books to read bout bereavement but my problem is (like any of yours I dare say) that every time I pick one up I think it will have the answer to my problem and the answer to my problem is Pete coming back as he was before 7th November and none of them can tell me how to get that! I am living in cloud cuckoo land but my heart won't admit it. Yes Enna your situation is very like mine and we must share our feelings it must help a bit mustn't it? Jan

[enna]

Good morning Mary,

Once again thank you for being that spark of encouragement I so need at this time. Some days it's hard to get that 'one foot in front of the other' as Marty suggested. I never really thought about it until now but this is the most painful loss my life. I have lost my parents, a brother, two sisters, my best friend, and others during my lifetime and I seemed to be the strong one, always giving comfort to those around me but now with the loss of my love I am falling apart. I should feel guilty about this but I don't After all, my parents brought me into this world, brothers and sisters are blood relatives, but my Jim was my all for forty years. enna

[enna]

Dear Jan,

They say crying is good. The answer is right in our hearts, dear friend.

Books, poetry, music, and sharing with friends will guide us to move in a different way but they don't have the answers. Some actions that are helping me during this journey are: I'm writing letters to Jim talking with him as I did when he was here. I am learning how to play the piano. Remember me, the one who can't carry a tune but will belt out a song if I like it. I have made a list of 20 things that I miss about my love. I can't seem to put together things I don't miss about Jim yet. I'm sure that there will be some things I can list later on during this journey. I've made a list of goals that I'm trying to follow – things like: calling a friend and going out to lunch, cleaning up the files on my computer, listening to my music on iTunes – sort of a meditation time for me, finding that one 'positive' daily that one of our friends here on this web site suggested we do, when I start feeling sorry for myself I let it happen for awhile but then I get up and go out in the yard and just look around.

There is a quote that Mary has at the bottom of her posts that I have found to be very uplifting. I'm sure you have seem it:

'To the extent that I was able to translate the emotions into images – that is to say, to find the images that were concealed in the emotions, I was inwardly calmed and reassured" – Carl Jung enna

[mfh]

Enna, losing Bill was the biggest loss in my life also after many many losses. We did not live with our siblings, parents or friends....we were not in love with them and did not have a life that focused around that relationship with dreams and hopes for the future. There are so many reasons why this loss is gigantic. I am glad you do not feel guilty about those feelings. Keep on keeping on. Mary

[kayc]

In the beginning it helps to just get through this minute and not look at "the rest of your life" yet as it's overwhelming. In time you can visit that, but now I'd stick to getting through your present time.

It was just a couple of weeks after George died when I was directed to buy the little refrigerator magnet with a dragonfly on it that said to Find Joy in Each New Day. I still have it up, I moved it to my new refrigerator when I got it. That message changed the direction of my life, as it directed my focus to the positives. It is in the LOOKING for something positive that changes us, the positive itself is secondary.