Guest babylady Posted September 17, 2012 Report Share Posted September 17, 2012 it's been 3-1/2 months since john passed and i cry every day but today has been the worst. it's been bad most of the week, but for some reason today i can't stop crying. started as soon as i got up at noon and has continued. i fear it will never stop. i'm beginning to think i'm going to die of a broken heart. i can't imagine my future. i had an aunt who died of a broken heart. she and my uncle were devoted to each other and a few months after he passed they found her dead in their bed. having health problems makes things worse. i've been taking an anti depressant for a few months. people i talk to on the phone say i sound better. i don't just cry. i sob and whimper and sometimes my whole body shakes. if i try to hold back the tears like when i'm out in public i get a panic attack. my heart starts beating fast until i let the tears come. sometimes i don't realize i'm crying until i feel the tears running down my face or my pillow gets wet. will it ever stop? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted September 17, 2012 Report Share Posted September 17, 2012 This is about the time for many when the fog begins to lift and the reality of what is going on begins to hit us hard. I know people die of broken hearts hence the reason to take care of yourself even if you don't feel like it....let the tears flow...they cleanse and heal. Holding them in stresses us. When people tell you that you sound better, you probably want to say...."but I am not and I feel lonelier when you tell me I sound better because it tells me you do not understand." it does let up. The waves of grief get further apart and eventually subside. Do the tears stop? Not in my experience. I have shed many tears today and one other day this week. It is unpredictable...and usually I do not wail any more. But you will make it. I do not remember but are you in a support group or grief counseling? I was at 3-8 months and it helped me a lot. Be patient with the process. It is a long one and you WILL make it. I am so sorry for your loss. Peace to your heart, Mary Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest babylady Posted September 17, 2012 Report Share Posted September 17, 2012 thank you mary. i'm not in a support group, but i do have a bereavement counselor. seems all the groups are far away and many are at night. i can't drive at night. i'm still crying and it's 9 pm. i've never had a day this bad. i'm wearing one of john's shirts it usually helps. i need to go lie in his bed for a while which i do every day. my friends are in new york and my sister is in S.C. i'm in phoenix. i want to stay here. john and i built this house together and my life is here. hugs to you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
enna Posted September 17, 2012 Report Share Posted September 17, 2012 Dear Babylady, Today seems to be a very difficult day for you. Crying is so exhausting - yet healing. I am so sorry you are having so much pain. There have been those days for me also. As you know my Jim died almost four short months ago. I let the tears come. I don't think that all this crying will keep us from moving forward in our grief journey. I distract myself after a while by cleaning out a few kitchen cabinets, or cleaning up the files on my computer, or just walking out on the patio and practicing deep breathing - screaming works also. You seem to have many issues going on that I hope you will be able to discuss with your doctors. We need to be in good health to be able to tend to this grieving process. I am listening to your pain so you are never alone. There are many grief support groups on line to help us. Remember - "I will survive." enna Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wifflesnook Posted September 17, 2012 Report Share Posted September 17, 2012 Dear Babylady I can't say anything helpful as I am in the same place. I don't cry actively often but just feel numb most of the time. I sometimes wonder if I would be better if I did cry a lot but it is what it is. I have had a hard weekend with a male friend coming to help a bit in the garden but it soon became clear that he was expecting me to be getting better (he last came in July) and I am actually worse. I want to talk about Pete all the time and he wants me to get a grip, he didn't say this but it was obvious. I have to drive along to get him from where he is staying half a mile away and then take him to the bus six miles a way. I think we shall both be glad to say good bye. It's pretty clear to me that it will be a long time if ever before I can take part in anything remotely 'normal'. After being ill (and still feeling very weak) all I want to do is stay in our house, walk the dog and grieve. I have made no forward progress whatsoever. But it isn't even five months yet and in the context of a wonderful marriage of fifty years what is that? I have no hope, no anticipation of any good events, I never manage to smile. But tomorrow pete's ashes come home. It won't make me happy but maybe it will help? I do so hope so. And Friday our daughter and our two little girls are coming for a long weekend. I will get hugs and cuddles and maybe I will smile. Heck I sound so low but ts here we can tell it like it truly is isn't it? Perhaps one day you and I will be telling other people who are treading this hard path that we know that the fog will lift because it did for us. I hope so but from where I am right now this seems I possible. Mary provides hope as do others and we just have to endure this dont we? Jan Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest babylady Posted September 17, 2012 Report Share Posted September 17, 2012 thank you enna. i've screamed too. i do it when i'm in my car -- don't want to scare my cat. i don't like the heat, but to me the cold is worse for me. when we get those days that are below 70 i don't want to leave the house and when it's 58 or 60 -- it's even worse. john always laughed because i would say "when i have to cover my feet -- it''s too cold". i like wearing the least amount of clothes. i'm trying to keep a positive attitude. arlene Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest babylady Posted September 17, 2012 Report Share Posted September 17, 2012 jan -- i know how you feel about guests. right now i just want to be alone in my grief. i'd rather talk on the phone with people. talking with my friend michael in new york usually helps the most. he's very spiritual and he's like a little brother to me. we've been friends since '84. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted September 17, 2012 Report Share Posted September 17, 2012 I'm sorry you had such a hard day yesterday. Yes, it will get better, but unfortunately there is no way around grief but to go straight through it, pain and all. I wish it didn't have to take so much time to get to the phase where you can cope better. It is okay to cry, I think of it like a release valve, without which we'd blow up or implode. Tears are healing. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest babylady Posted September 17, 2012 Report Share Posted September 17, 2012 jan -- last year my sister broke up with her long time boyfriend. she wanted to cry but couldn't so she kept watching sad movies. normally she cries over the least little thing. people keep telling me that the crying is good. hugs, arlene Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AnnC Posted September 17, 2012 Report Share Posted September 17, 2012 Crying is not fun. But it is healing. I get this empty feeling inside, then pain. I try not to fight it, and then the crying (sobbing, more like, sometimes wailing) comes. If I let it run its course, it eventually stops. Then I kind of feel like there was actually a blockage, or more like a buildup of emotion inside and the crying has moved it along. Another buildup will come, but crying keeps things moving. I am of two minds right now -- I am heartbroken at the death of my brother, and crying every day, and I don't feel like I'll ever feel any better. But I remember I felt the same when my husband died. And, eventually, I DID feel better, or at least felt bad less often and less intensely. So even though it doesn't feel like it now, I know eventually it will be that way for me about my brother, too. Keep crying, it's hard but it really does move the healing along. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted September 17, 2012 Report Share Posted September 17, 2012 How long has it been, Anne, since you lost your brother? I'm sorry, that must be hard. I had a couple of close calls with my sisters over two years ago, but they made it through. I am not ready for that to start. Today it has been 45 years since my sister's tragic accident. Donna lost her three year old, her baby was adopted by my parents eventually, and she herself became quadriplegic. If that in itself wasn't enough, they ruined her vocal cords so she can't be understood. In all of that, she is still intelligent, still maintains a wonderful sense of humor and a positive attitude. She is an amazing person. It was 25 years ago today when my MIL passed away. And it was also 45 years ago today when my kids' dad and his brother had their tragic accident...his face had to be pieced back together and his brother's brain was damaged. It's weird what a date can mean to you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
leon Posted October 1, 2012 Report Share Posted October 1, 2012 i'm not sure if i am responding to a specific person or not...this is my first time in an online group discussion..... i lost Laura, my dear wife of 34 years, this past august 3rd... although some days are "better than others" the extreme sadness and my missing and thinking of her mostly every minute of every day has not lessened much if at all... from what i read and hear, we will never rid ourselves of the grief, we will learn to manage it.....the possibility of learning to manage the grief is what gives me hope that there will be "easier" days, months and years in the future...going back to work has helped to a point as i am, for the better of an 8 hr. work day, concentrating on work issues... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted October 1, 2012 Report Share Posted October 1, 2012 Dear Leon, you are posting to a group of people all of whom have lost their spouses...some last month as you have and others further in the past. Of course others read the posts also. I lost the love of my life 30 months ago. People will respond to your post and co verse with you, support you, share with you and care for you. Our moderator is Marty, a wise and compassionate grief counselor. You might wish to visit her website, www.griefhealing.com. You will find great information there also. I am here to tell you that loss and grieving loss is a journey unique to each of us with similarities of course. It is challenging, and that you already know. I am so so sorry for your loss. Your life has been turned inside out and upside down. We all know how that feels. It does get easier but now it is time to walk through your grief...not around it. Cry your tears, own your pain, do your grief work. In time we all learn how to weave our grief into the fabric of our lives, to live with it as best we can. You might want to read and educate yourself as losing a spouse is so tough. Take care of yourself. Be patient and take one day at a time. We are all here for you. Keep posting. Peace, Mary Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cindycox Posted October 1, 2012 Report Share Posted October 1, 2012 This is my first time commenting here. I just lost my husband monday september 24th 2012. He was diagnoised with lung cancer august 7th, 2012.We thought he has a rotator cup problem because he was a truck driver and his shoulder was hurting him so bad..We wnt to an orthopedic surgeon and he did an mri on him. When we went back to his office to what we thought was to get an appointment for surgery, he walked in and said you have cancer.. Everything has happened so fast! I know I'm still in shock..September 9th, we celebrated our 34th wedding anniversary.On top of that in June my mother was told she has lung cancer..She lives with us and I was taking her to her chemotherapy than when my husband was diagnoised I felt like my world fell apart. I cry, I even get angry at my husband, because I begged him for years to quit smoking..Funny him and my mom both the day they were told they had lung cancer quit smoking.I know I have to take this grief one day at a time, I'll be okay for awhile than I just start crying..Last night our sons came over and we were playing cards and in the middle of the game I said I can't do this and I started crying..If people are laughing I get mad..How do you laugh when your dad/brother or whoever has just died..I know that isn't even fair to them..Does anybody else experience this, I'll be okay and the minute someone asks me how I'm doing I start crying..I don't know why I'm writing this, maybe people can give me some advice since this is so new to me..I am going to start going to grief counseling.I think this is to much for me to try to deal with alone..For everyone grieving my heart goes out to you all, because my heart literally feels like it is breaking..Than to top everything off, thursday was his funeral and one of my step-daughters video taped my our son singing a song to his dad that he had written and than they put it on facebook and it showed my husband lying in his casket..I had a bad day on friday and I went to my facebook and that video was on there..I was livid and left a not very nice comment and told them to take it off of there. Now I won't even give them a copy of a video that my son had made for the viewing of their dads lifw with music, because nothing is sacred to them and I'm afraid it will show up on facebook..I'm sorry I'm just rambling on here..God Bless everyone on here.. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
enna Posted October 1, 2012 Report Share Posted October 1, 2012 Leon, You are in the right place. You are responding to a group of caring people who KNOW about loss. I am so sorry for your loss. 34 years with Laura – what an accomplishment. Many marriages don't last anywhere near that long. You must have been true soul mates. You are in the very beginning of your grief journey. You are coming out of shock. This is the place to be. We don't have answers for you but we do have listening ears. You will not ever rid your self of this grief but you will learn to manage it indeed. There are endless resources on this web site for you to feel connected to others who are walking this painful journey. You are not alone. Suggestions: Sign up for Marty's 'First Year of Grief' e-mails. Read, read, read… Read the journey that others are on right now from the post: 'Loss of a spouse' etc. There are unlimited resources on this site that will help you on this painful journey. Begin, feel the pain and know that you are not alone. My love of forty years died in May. I am on this painful journey also but I have found unlimited help and it has been a comfort to me to know that there is light at the end of the tunnel. I just am not there yet. Anne Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
enna Posted October 1, 2012 Report Share Posted October 1, 2012 Dear cindycox – My heart goes out to you. I am so sorry for your loss. So sudden – so shocking…yes, you are still in shock but you have found a wonderful, caring web site to be in at this time – my love, Jim, died in May and I did not find my way here until a few months ago – you will feel loved and understood here. What a double whammy that you are only now finding out that your mother has lung cancer – I am so very sorry to hear that. I can't imagine how much pain you are in with your world falling apart with all this grief. With so many things going on at one time, you will find our moderator, Marty, able to guide you to the many sources that are on this web site. Being angry is part of the grieving process. Crying is very good – it cleanses. People don't mean to be uncaring – they just don't know what it is like – they just don't know how to respond. I have learned that everything I'm going through is normal. Research this web site. Read if you can – I found that I wasn't retaining anything when I first started to read. I was staring at the books! I am so sorry about the videotape. I am sorry that it hurt you so. You do not have to apologize ever for what you are going through. We are here. We listen. Remember, everything is normal grieving. Keep coming to this caring site. No one judges. Anne Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted October 1, 2012 Report Share Posted October 1, 2012 Dear cindycox, I am so very sorry for all that is happening to your world and life. Losing a spouse is so very difficult and it all happened so fast. And to have your mother diagnosed with cancer also and then the video on Facebook. I know you are in shock and in a fog. I am so glad you are going to start grief counseling. This is too big for you to deal with alone...too many pieces to it. Losing a spouse is hard enough without the other complications. You are in the right place and will find great support, loving care and information here. It is time to take care of yourself...that is number 1 so you do not get sick. Grief is exhausting as you now know. I lost my husband 30 months ago. I thought i knew grief having walked the path many times but I did not know it until Bill died. We are all here for and with you. keep coming back. People come on sort of randomly but they are all here for you. Peace, Mary Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted October 1, 2012 Report Share Posted October 1, 2012 Leon, I am so sorry, it is the hardest thing but you have found a good caring group of people who've been through it. Have you tried a grief support group? You are right, learning to manage to cope with the grief is the aim, one day at a time. I too found work to be a blessing, although it was hard going back at first. Feel free to continue to post whatever you want to about your grief journey, your wife, what you're experiencing, we're here to listen and respond. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted October 1, 2012 Report Share Posted October 1, 2012 Cindycox, I'm glad you found this site, you will find others here who've experienced loss and we walk this journey together. I'm sure they didn't intend to hurt you but it does seem insensitive at best to post something like that on FB. Some people post every thought that comes to their head on FB, it's their way of reaching out I guess. I am so sorry for your loss. The day my husband died he was in the hospital dying (heart attack) and weakly told me "I'm all done with that" (smoking). He was right. I too wish he hadn't smoked. It's okay to feel angry over it, just because they died doesn't alleviate that they had a part in what happened...I'm sure if they could have seen what would transpire and how it would affect us, it would have altered their decisions. Please continue to come here and post, I've found it to be very helpful. I'm sorry about your mom too, you have had a very full plate. My mom just entered a dementia care unit, it's hard going through the things we get hit with in life, but it helps to take one day at a time. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
leon Posted October 3, 2012 Report Share Posted October 3, 2012 Dear Leon, you are posting to a group of people all of whom have lost their spouses...some last month as you have and others further in the past. Of course others read the posts also. I lost the love of my life 30 months ago. People will respond to your post and co verse with you, support you, share with you and care for you. Our moderator is Marty, a wise and compassionate grief counselor. You might wish to visit her website, www.griefhealing.com. You will find great information there also. I am here to tell you that loss and grieving loss is a journey unique to each of us with similarities of course. It is challenging, and that you already know. I am so so sorry for your loss. Your life has been turned inside out and upside down. We all know how that feels. It does get easier but now it is time to walk through your grief...not around it. Cry your tears, own your pain, do your grief work. In time we all learn how to weave our grief into the fabric of our lives, to live with it as best we can. You might want to read and educate yourself as losing a spouse is so tough. Take care of yourself. Be patient and take one day at a time. We are all here for you. Keep posting. Peace, Mary Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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