Apathy

[Lina]

I know that this is normal, but apathy is tough...I know all the things I NEED to do, but I just don't have the energy or drive to do any of it. I feel so tired. Sometimes I wonder why I fight so hard to keep on going. Sometimes I just want to go to sleep and not wake up. I wish I were older and thus closer to "my time" so that I could at least know that I don't have as long to wait till I can see Arthur again.

Is it my age that seems to make people think I should be ready to bounce back from losing my husband? I get the whole "But you are so young, you can start over again" thing. I have been asked when I will start dating again. My response was "when I don't feel married anymore."

[Guest babylady]

i'm 71. john was 64. i'll probably live to be 90 even with my physical ailments. i'm ready to go now. i slept till 2 pm today. yesterday was 1:30 -- not unusual if i don't have to get up and do something.

didn't leave the house since wednesday. went out earlier to get some food. except for seeing howie friday i didn't see another human for 4 days.

have to got out tomorrow and tuesday, but then i'm free for the rest of the week. howie will be here wednesday to take care of some things in the house for me.

it's kind of nice when i just go out to get some food. the weather is beautiful here (91 today) and i'm surrounded by beautiful mountain views. don't like to be too far from the house where i feel safe.

i used to love to go out for long drives. i have a mazda miata -- great little car.

if this how i'll spend the rest of my life?

[enna]

Dear Lina,

You know why you 'fight so hard to keep on going.' Your little nine year old needs you. Remember, you told me in an e-mail that you 'can't skip Christmas because of her.' Your feelings are all NORMAL as we have been told so many times. You are so young. Remember, people have good intentions they just don't 'get it!' I think your response is great. There will be so many wonderful life experiences ahead of you. I don't have any answers but I know that as much as I miss my Jim I still love to wake up in the morning and see the sky, the flowers, and all the others things in this world. I am sure that there are articles about apathy on Marty's www.griefhealing.com link. You are in my thoughts. Anne

[kayc]

Oh Lina, I can totally relate to what you wrote! It's how I've been feeling lately. My mom is 90 and in a Dementia Care Facility (I am 60), sometimes I wonder, is that all I have to look forward to? If so, I don't want to live to be 90! People ask me when I'm going to retire...I can't afford to until I'm 70, George dying was just one of many huge financial setbacks I've had, and honestly, I can't afford to live on social security unless I wait for it to be the max, and only just barely then. So I have these 110 mile/day commutes and working to look forward to, continuing to chop kindling, shovel snow, keep up with the place, no one to share my day with, no one to take care of me if I have surgery, no one to leave the garage light on for me, no one to look forward to the holidays and seasons with. If this is all life is cracked up to be, I want off! But other times I feel such a peace in my home and feel a sensation, however fleeting, of happiness or contentment. I just wish it could last longer. As I get older, I will watch my friends die, one by one, and begin losing my sisters...honestly, I don't look forward to this next stage in life.

I'm not so sure it's any different at 40 than it is at 60 or 70, except you do have your child to live for...mine are grown and gone. I know they'd miss me when I'm gone but I'm not sure why, I don't hear from my daughter much and my son is always busy. But I guess this is one of those cycles of life.

[Guest babylady]

lina -- enna is right. you're still young and you have a young child.

i, on the other hand wake up every day feeling ill. seems like kay c feels a bit more like i do. i've lived a long life with ups and downs.

i worry too about needing surgery or falling. all i have is my cat. of course, i have howie, but aside from his massage practice, he's a realtor and a husband. he devotes as much time as he can to me.

my mom had dementia and it was terrible. she had audible hallucinations -- thought people were planning to kill her. aside from that she was in great health at the age of 85. she kept saying she wanted to die and she did.

i wonder. what's my future going to be like?

hugs,

arlene

[widower]

I have been asked when I will start dating again.

It never ceases to amaze me how thoughtless and asinine people can be with such questions, well intended or not. I'll refrain from listing the possible responses my head is swimming with but "that's really none of your business" comes to mind as one of the nicer ones.

Lina so sorry, I know what you mean. Bottom line: take your life at YOUR own pace and what works for YOU. Nuts to anyone who says differently. When and if you want to consider another relationship, do so - no sooner, no later. It's your life, your situation, your call.

My thoughts and prayers to you......

[ANC1117]

Lina,

I agree with Widower. I have actually stopped socializing with a friend of mine for the simple reason that he kept posing the same question and insisted that I start. Even after several conversations on my feelings and willingness, he just didn't get it, and I am sure many who are not grieving as we are cant get it. We will know when, if ever, we wish date.

Anthony