My Daughter Won't Accept My Grieving

[pumkin]

I'm newcomer to all of this. This is where I've found the most peace in dealing with the loss of my significant other. Just reading what all of you are going through, helps me so very much. You understand what I'm going through. I found my love passed out in my carport on August 20, 2012.. I knew when I found him that is was too late, even though I called 911. There are things I found out about him that I didn't know,and my daughter thinks he's not worth crying over. I've known him for 15 years and shared my home with him during the last five years. Anytime I try to talk about him to her, she says whatever. She has helped me sell and donate a ton of his stuff. He was a shop-a-holic. He had told me he was married twice and my daughter found out his was married four times. I have told her I loved him and still do, but she doesn't want to hear it. In February I'm joining a grief support group at a local church. Today I held his remains in my arms and just cried and cried. I miss him so much. Thank you for letting me share my story with you all.

[MartyT]

My dear friend, I am so sorry that you've lost the love of your life to death, and sorry too that you cannot share your sorrow with your daughter. Please know that what matters here is that you love this man, and the grief you're feeling is the measure of your love for him. You don't have to explain that to anyone here. Just to know you love him is enough.

I am so pleased to learn that you've made plans to attend an in-person support group, because there you will be surrounded by the sort of compassion you need and deserve. You'll also find that here, as our members welcome you with open arms and caring hearts. You have our deepest sympathy, and we won't let you walk this path alone ♥

[kayc]

I totally understand your daughter's response, but she needs to understand that you are grieving what you thought you had and who you thought he was. I went through this when my last marriage (John) ended and I found out I'd been conned and he was not the person I'd thought and our marriage never was what I'd hoped/thought it was. My sister responded in much the same way as your daughter. She said "You CAN'T still love him!" Ah but our heart does it's own pickings and sometimes it takes time to catch up to our head. I did eventually get over him, but it still hurts that I could be duped so and that he could think so little of me as to do what he did to me. But alas, I learned it's not about HIM, it's about ME and it's ME I need to concentrate on. I had to make my life about me again. That doesn't mean it never hurts, it's been over four years and sometimes I think of when we were together and I am so bewildered but I shove the thought aside and try to move on from it.

I'm not suggesting your situation is the same as mine, obviously there are differences and so will be the responses you have. We all have to cope with our grief in our own unique way. When my husband George died, he also had some secrets. It took me a long time but I finally came to terms with it all. One of the big things I learned in the process of assimilating it was that he was all of that person...the good and the bad, the open and the secret. The bad did not negate the good. Fortunately, he had a ton more good than bad. You see, he told me just three weeks before he died that he'd been using drugs. Drugs aren't cheap and they aren't free and I was to learn (after he died) just how he funded them (through our possessions, our money...most of which I had acquired before we married). It hurt me. I knew George probably had every intention of paying it back...but he didn't live long enough. He was in denial too, drugs do that. But that wasn't his only secret. A year after he passed, his ex GF called me...she didn't know he was dead. In the course of the conversation I learned he'd gone to see her (in another city) several times when we were first married. That hurt. I was so angry you could have heard me in the next county! I knew he hadn't cheated on me. I knew he loved me with all of his heart. It wasn't about that. She had been in his life for ten years before we met and at the time we married, he was going through a whole lot of adjustments and changes and I was at work while he was waiting for school term to start. No he didn't handle it right, no he shouldn't have gone to see her behind my back, but I also understand where he was coming from and in time I forgave him. I'm glad I at least knew his heart and that he loved me completely. Sometimes people don't reveal all because they're afraid of rejection. So they fudge a little here and there. Maybe in your BF's mind he downplayed two of the marriages because they had lesser significance than the others? I don't know, I do know that some people play mind games with themselves to make everything more palatable. My mom does that. Rewrites history.

Of course you miss him. You miss the him that held you, the him that you enjoyed spending time with, the him that you could talk to. A lot of people have secrets, maybe not as big as extra marriages they didn't own up to, but secrets nonetheless. That doesn't make it right, but it just is what it is. Don't let anyone rob you of what you had, but rather try to incorporate the whole of the man into this one being that is the person you miss...the good, the bad, everything. That is who he was.

[pumkin]

Dear Marty,

Thank you so much for responding in letting me know that what matters here is that I love this man and my grief is the measure of my love for him. It warms my heart when you say I don't have to walk this path alone.

Gratefully,

Pumkin

[pumkin]

Dear KayC,

I have learned so much in reading your various responses to all the other people grieving here. You have been through so much in all these years participating in this forum and you have survived. I believe there is hope for all of us participating in the forum with the help and guidance of Marty. Learning to forgive the man you love for secrets found out is so necessary for going forward. You really loved George so much and still do just by the way you talk about him despite the secrets you found out.

Health & happiness to you in this New Year.

Pumkin

[MartyT]

Pumkin, my dear, you might appreciate this article: Disenfranchised Grief: Mourning the Loss of a Dream ♥

[kayc]

Pumkin,

We are all human. To me his good far outweighed his mistakes. I knew the man and loved him thoroughly, he had a good heart and always meant well. He never wanted to hurt me and even his drug use, stupid choice though it was, was to keep up at work so he could continue to provide me medical insurance. I knew that. He wasn't into partying and didn't need to get high to enjoy himself, he just wanted the energy/stamina to keep up at work. I fault his job for that partially as they are the ones that turned him on to it, and they were the whip-crackers. All this while he had five blocked arteries and a 150 mile/day commute and a physically demanding job. What he should have done was go to the doctor, not use drugs. Even his seeing his friend behind my back...he knew he needed a friend but he didn't want to hurt me. He should have waited for the weekend so we could go together. Ahh but he made the choices he did...we all do, and nothing could diminish my love for him...or his love for me, not even death.

[pumkin]

Marty,

Thank you so much for referring to Mourning the Loss of a Dream. I wrote in my journal quite a few things it mentions. It was very helpful. God bless you and all the help you provide to all of us in this forum. You're an Angel from God.

Pumkin

KayC,

When George found out he had five blocked arteries, did he consider going to a cardiac surgeon with you to consider having stents? He was certainly under a lot of pressure with his job and that long commute. Sometimes we wonder why they made the choices they did. My Marco collapsed in the kitchen on 5/31/12, then I called 911. He came to and grabbed the phone out of my hand and told the 911 operator he was an ex-cop and didn't need any EMT's to come. I begged him and the operator begged him to let them come, but he refused. I got him to his PCP the very next day and his doctor couldn't find anything wrong, but referred him to a cardiologist. He made an appointment, but the cardiologist said they wouldn't accept his insurance. I pressured him to get another referral. The second referral came in, but he refused to call for an appointment. I kept after him for weeks to call, but he refused to talk with me whenever I mentioned it. Just three months after his first collapsed, he passed away. If he would have gone to the cardiologist, just a block away from here. But as you said George and Marco made their choices. I can relate when you say "nothing could diminish my love for him or his love for me, not even death." I pray you'll find the peace and happiness you're looking for after all that you have gone through.

Pumkin

[annette85035]

Perhaps your daughter is grieving more than you realize-in her own way.SHe wants to confront her father/yell at him etc,but can not and this may be building up inside of her?

But no matter that,you do need to be able to grieve yourself. It is up to YOU whether you forgive your husband for not confiding in you completely or not..he had his reasons and perhaps those reasons may never arise,but you loved him in your way and those are the memories to remember.