Transformations On This Path

[mfh]

Kay, that surely sounds like a very wise decision. That is the last thing you need...involvement with addicts and feeling unsafe. Good for you. Sad but right on, imho.

[feralfae]

Dear Tribe,

I am safe and feeling better.

Yesterday, there was a gong session (several of us relaxing on the floor, in chairs, while SSK plays her gong with great reverberations and energy flowing through us all) and as we were finishing, something told me to ask one very loving woman if she knew of a cabin or house I could rent for a few weeks while I finish up things here.

She immediately offered her house and/or cabin, since she is leaving in a couple of days for a writers' workshop. She lives across the road and I will have Sasha, her very friendly and loving older dog, for company while I am there.

Things just keep on working out.

A lot of my fear is dissipating. and I will be away from our home when the ruffians arrive to finish cleaning out those things they are claiming as theirs, (less what I have taken, of course). Then the locks will be changed and a new steward will soon be found.

Today, I will go over and finalize the arrangements, help SSK clean before her next round of company arrives, and then move across the road on Wednesday. Life is settling down a bit and my heart is acting a lot better. I am going to rest for a week or so before I start the drive home.

Much love to everyone and

*<twinkles>*

fae

[enna]

Good Morning, dear Fae.

I am hearing only positive vibes from your post. I am so glad that you feel 'safe'. I am so glad that you will have a place to rest before you return home. I am so glad that you have loving people there to care for you. The gong session you had sounds cleansing. And best of all, you will have the company of a loving dog named Sasha staying with you. How good can it get! Love you. Anne

'Sasha' - Slavic in origin - meaning 'defender - 'helper of mankind' - how cool is that!

[mfh]

Dear Tribe,

I am safe and feeling better.

Yesterday, there was a gong session (several of us relaxing on the floor, in chairs, while SSK plays her gong with great reverberations and energy flowing through us all) and as we were finishing, something told me to ask one very loving woman if she knew of a cabin or house I could rent for a few weeks while I finish up things here. She immediately offered her house....and Sasha, her very friendly and loving older dog, for company while I am there. Things just keep on working out. A lot of my fear is dissipating.

fae, I am so relieved to know you feel safe and better and that things just keep working out...I think that is the result, in my own life, of letting go. It describes how Bill and I finally got together and I have seen it in many lives of others. We get in the flow. So glad you listened to that voice that whispered to ask for housing...was Doug whispering in your ear at that group? I bet he was. I am glad your fear is dissipating.

I happen to have a gong and it is right in front of me where I am sitting. Bill and I were on a Sunday drive one day in Colorado and we came to a tiny mountain village...with a bar (of course), a church (of course) and an Ace Hardware Store (?). That was it. Not even a gas station. Well, Bill likes hardware stores as much as I like book stores so in we go. On the wall in one of the rooms (it was housed in an old beater house) was a gong...lovely and with a lovely sound. Bill wanted it and so of course I bought it when his back was turned and when we got home he went to his wood working shop and made a stand for it. It was the last sound (aside from people's voices) he heard when he died. He loved it and rang it often for guests as well as himself or us. We would just be still until the very last vibration was audible. I understand gongs. We attended an event at the UW with a group from Japan with drums and gongs...their gongs was about 10 feet in diameter and that was why Bill wanted to go. Maybe that gong took you to a place of hearing Doug.

[kayc]

fae,

I feel like a cloud has lifted off your heart and I can feel the relief spread through all of us for you. And how special that you'll have her dog with you too for company! I just feel so much better knowing this! And the gong, that is special too!

[feralfae]

We are off to town this morning to buy last minute things to decorate SSK's house perfectly before her fiance arrives from Maine tomorrow with his son. This is their first visit to Alaska. I am helping SSK clean and decorate and then I leave in the morning from here, and her fiance, Guy, arrives tomorrow evening. It is wonderful to see their love. His wife died several years ago, and SSK has been divorced from her daughter's father, but still friends with him, for about 15 years. It is so very wonderful to see her in love and happy and looking forward to new adventures. They are planning to sail around the world on his sailboat, probably taking his 13 year old son and homeschooling him. They will be wonderful teachers for him.

I am focusing today on seeing with my own eyes, instead of through Doug's and my combined eyes, and to look at this as a place to play, and not be overwhelmed by memories. I have been having some PTSD about the ruffians, being scared they will find me up here, so I will be safe tomorrow in a house where no one will know where I am, which will be very nice. And it is a beautiful home in the birch forest, with Sasha as a companion, great walking trails, a land line (!) for telephone, and wifi as well. And close to many loving and kind people, with SSK just down the drive, across the road, up her drive, and there I am.

Okay, we are off to town to go shopping for little things like paper butterflies and candles for the Goddess nest. Later, they will drive the Alcan to Montana, and be married at my house in my Kiva Garden. At least, that is the plan today. They may decide to be married at sea. It is so delightful to see their love.

We had spring greens with pansies, raspberries, apricots, and other flowers salad for dinner last evening. So beautiful and delicious!

More soon, and much love to everyone, as well as

*<twinkles>*

fae

[kayc]

You eat pansies? I've had dandelion salad but never heard of eating pansies before. I don't know if I could destroy them! I love pansies, George called them the smiling flower. It sounds like your days are going well now and I'm so glad how things are working out for you there with having another place to go to, and a dog for companionship, how great is that!

[feralfae]

Reporting in from the strong light of the northern summer.

The light is filtered through the birch trees, whose canopy of high branches and light-seeking leaves gives shade to the groundstory of the forest.

A lot has happened: yes, I have turned over the keys to our home here to the president of the club, and have no reason to go back there now for a long time. The ruffians are in town now to claim anything they can claim -- legally or not -- from what is left that is not claimed by the club members or board. I will not participate in the division, by my own choice. I don't want to be embroiled in the discussions or divisions. I have Doug's love in my heart, and his love is given to me by so many wonderful tribe members here. I have taken all my personal things, a few things from our life together here, and left the rest for others to sort out. I do not want to be in the presence of any of the ruffians. It is all just stuff, and I have no need to be involved with any of it. I am involved with the trusts that own the property, but the trustee will handle things for me in that regard. The club has the use of the property as long as they keep it in good repair and up to standards, none of which is my job to enforce. In many ways, being there and seeing the lack of organization and standards was difficult, and I am glad I am out of there. While a part of me wants to go there, fix things, make them take better care of things, and enforce my ultimate power, I do not need to do this to myself.

Today is my day of solitude. I do not have any appointments or responsibilities today. I have a tiny fire in the stove, because it was chilly this morning, and soon I will open the windows and let in what will by then be warm air. SSK is with her fiance and his son, and I hope having a wonderful time. I pled to be allowed a couple of days of solitude prior to jumping back into the social scene, so I should have today to be alone, take Sasha for walks, and maybe write in my journal. I am not required anywhere until tomorrow evening, actually.

Kay, we eat pansies, daisies, other flowers in our salads, and of course nasturtiums as well. We also toss in baby fireweed shoots and other forest plants that are edible as well as medicinal. SSK is Sikh, and they use food as medicine, so all meals are fresh and healing in some way, it seems. SSK is a runner and climber, and one of the healthiest people I know, so I cannot dispute the observed results. It is fun to have pretty, edible, medicinal flowers in the salad. Flowers and all plants grow with amazing speed in the long days of summer up here. There are a wealth of pansies and other flowers in almost every yard right now.

So, I am finished at our former home here, and now surrounded by dear friends -- tribe, really -- although alone for a couple of days to just let my heart heal more and to rest and have time for meditation.

The sun is shining, the mosquitoes are on the move, and the wild roses are in full bloom. LIfe is good in Alaska.

Much Love and

*<twinkles>*

fae

[kayc]

fae it sounds heavenly!

[feralfae]

My friend Susan, who is a musician with three CDs out, and also writes stories, left a book on the window seat for me:

Tear Soup A recipe for healing after loss.

It is beautifully written and illustrated, and creates a beautiful and apt metaphor for the grief tears and our lives.

I forget sometimes, how many profound were the series of losses many of us have endured:

loss of spouse; loss of health; loss of home or homes; changes in finances; changes in status. So many changes. The metaphor of the soup, with the row of losses on the shelf above, was uniquely apt as I sorted across the set of books, selecting the losses I have had these last 16 months, and realized that I needed the largest pot to hold all my losses.

But, still, miracles abound: I am walking; going for walks each day with Sasha; being in the sun, remembering my sunscreen and hat against the high strong light; eating fresh fruits and salads, eggs and toast. I will eat well these days here alone, and I know we are having salmon tomorrow night, fresh reds from the Chitna River, caught by a friend. There will be tribe members there. And SSK and Guy will announce their engagement.

It will be a very happy evening. I have everything here to make a torte. (Imported from Montana to this frontier, where people still come in from the villages once a month to buy their supplies, and talk about the trap lines they run, or how the salmon are running in their fishing territories. Fascinating, beautiful, marvelous, magnificent place. With -60F winter days not all that uncommon.) Yes, one can buy things here, and there is even a Fred Meyer and Safeway, but the prices are significant, so I brought along all I could think to bring.

There is a strong energy here that draws me. No denying it. And, I feel so very much stronger and more whole for having made it through the sorting and leaving of our home with only a few bad episodes of grief and PTSD feelings of vulnerability and hypervigilance. All in all, it was a few incredibly tough and painful days, filled with fear and deep grief, but I am recovering now, and feel better able to walk into the coming days, my future, and life, with much lighter loads on my heart and shoulders.

I think I am returning to life with the return of Spring up here. I left here this time last year to head to Montana after Doug's life celebration. I have turned the full circle of that public honoring of his life, and here I am, starting to be able to honor my own life and dreams once again.

I plan to head to Montana maybe on the 23rd, if nothing happens to alter that plan. There is a lot to think through, and I need to be at my own hearth to write things down, talk with several people, and make plans. SSK and Guy will be down to visit in September, on their way to Maine to take the boat south for cruising around Trinidad, I think. He has been on the water since 4, when he helped his family shovel fish on the family fishing boat. Such a different sort of life.

I have two more meetings with the trustees before I leave here. Not sure they are both in the country, even, this week. I have finished dusting and whooshing up dog hair for the day. I forgot about long-haired dogs and their dust bunnies. Sasha and I have been on three walks today so far. IT is a lovely sunny day. Pure sun energy pouring down fiercely for those with no sunscreen and hats. The plants are simply bombarded with photons of growth for their photosynthesis. This place springs to life each year.

Off to check on torte-making plans.

Much Love to all, and I hope to be here a bit more starting tomorrow, when I have several little chores completed.

*<twinkles>*

fae

[mfh]

fae, Tear Soup is one of my all time favorites. I have given that book to friends and clients more than any other one I read. The illustrations are phenomenal to say nothing of the contents. I think I would use the More Than I can Bear pot...you too? There are many websites that refer to the book. Here are three.

3 min. video

Pam Dyson

DVD http://www.griefwatch.com/tear-soup-dvd.html

I am so glad you are surrounded by love...and a dog's love also. You will know what to do when it is time..but you know that. Be safe.

Mary

[kayc]

I haven't heard of that one, and my sister is a librarian even!

[feralfae]

Mary,

yes, definitely more than I can bear pot.

Superb book, so glad to hear you like and recommend it.

fae

[feralfae]

Kay,

I really recommend it, and of course, so does Mary.

fae

[enna]

Tear Soup - a good read. I have read it aloud to seventh and eighth graders and they loved it. All I had to do was put an apron on and a hat and they thought I was going to make soup. Good discussions came from that book - it's amazing what young kids have stored in their minds.

Flowers are something we had in our salads a few years back. I think today everyone worries about pestisides.

We are following your journey, fae.

The phone just rang and Dr. Fick said Benji is ready for pick up. Bye.

[mfh]

Tear Soup - a good read. I have read it aloud to seventh and eighth graders and they loved it. All I had to do was put an apron on and a hat and they thought I was going to make soup. Good discussions came from that book - it's amazing what young kids have stored in their minds.

Flowers are something we had in our salads a few years back. I think today everyone worries about pestisides.

We are following your journey, fae. The phone just rang and Dr. Fick said Benji is ready for pick up. Bye.

EXCELLENT!!!

and I bet Marty likes Tear Soup also....

[MartyT]

That I do, dear ones ~ Tear Soup has long been one of my very favorites. (I've written elsewhere about Using Children's Books to Help with Grief.) ♥

Looking forward to news about Benji, Anne!

[feralfae]

Sanctuary

I do believe I am in sanctuary. I am so surrounded by loving people. Besides the wonderful Tear Soup book, which I found to be just what I needed to read today, and read it all the way through, so that I know it is okay to turn more to living life. I also began to listen to Susan's three CDs she left for me: her lyrics and music and singing. Lovely. She is Susan Grace, and she writes and sings about heritage, family, ties, elders, tribes, and other wonderful cultural concepts.

And I may go out to dinner with an old friend of ours who comes to town tomorrow to give some lectures for a Nat. Geo tour group. Yes, another climber. I think he did his PhD on some flying bug in Borneo. He is a long-time dear friend, with more falls and survivals than any of us I know can celebrate. He is still walking, teaching, researching, and doing stuff for Nat. Geo. as well. Remarkable chap. Quite brilliant. I think I am ready to hear some of Doug's friends reminisce about him for a couple of hours over a nice Thai dinner.

Anne, in case I do not comment elsewhere, I am astounded at your endurance of all that heat. Goodness! I always though if I lived in the desert I would cover my roof with solar panels to run the A/C units. You are remarkable in so many ways, with such great endurance. And patience. And courage. Bravo!

I have cried a lot today, and every tear dropping felt incredibly cleansing. I am healing from many things, and I am just letting it flow, here in the privacy of my birch forest, on a ridge north of Fairbanks. A short walk takes me to a stunning view of the Alaska Range, and sometimes, Denali. Sasha and I are usually the only fools out in the mosquitoes. We try to stay ahead of them. But I noticed she had two bites today, so I am going to need to speed up our walks. Good for both of us.

The exercise, the brisk walks in the high, bright sunshine, are a tonic and a pleasure. Three long and three short walks with Sasha today. I will in a couple of days plan to get up for an early morning walk just for me as well. There is no dark of night now, so one can stroll and walk at any time. I am moving out of fear and vigilance from all the caring for Doug those years and for all the issues with the ruffians, too. It is all leaving my body.

As I was sorting the things SSK boxed up for me, I found the neroli sesame oil I used to massage Doug's hands and feet, and sometimes his face and head, when he was hospitalized up here those several times for surgeries. Now, when I smell it, it reminds me of the talks we had during that time, and how much our love grew in so many ways because we knew it would probably end sooner than we had planned. We went deeper, opened more, and forged bonds beyond any I thought were possible. They are still as strong today. I fell in love with his spirit, after all. I can smile with pride and love for my magnificent husband, who had more heart and spirit than anyone else I have ever known.

We are blessed to have known such abiding love, so many of us here in this Tribe of HOV.

I am blessed beyond words to be here in this birch forest sanctuary. Ah, there are a few black spruce, too. Big, old trees, tall and stately. More wild roses flung out their crimson shawls today, showing their faces to the sun. Robins and hairy woodpeckers, black-capped and boreal chickadees visit the yard. The forest is lively with birds.

And I am ready for sleep. Thank you for letting me natter here. It has been a very healing day for me.

*<twinkles>*

fae

[enna]

I left in such a hurry when the phone rang yesterday that I just closed out of the forum. Benji was ready to be picked up - what a long, long day. I posted over on the 'pet' thread.

Of the so many things I learned in life that has always stood out in my forty years of teaching was just how amazing young people are - children love to be read to no matter what the age. Who would think that young adults loved stories that most of us would think only primary children would want to listen to. The discussions from these young adults after listening to these stories always amazed me. Insightful and sensitive comments coming from such tender ages. I wish everyone read children's books more. We learn so much from them. I won't list the hundreds I know about but books like Tear Soup, The Velveteen Rabbit, Polar Express, The Little Prince, and so many more all have lessons for us.

Your 'sanctuary' fae seems just the right place for you to be in right now. What a wonderful, healing time for you. And a dog - what can I say.

Here I go again - Benji is letting me know that it is time for play and his walk. He does have me on a schedule. Anne

[kayc]

I bought a wonderful library of books for my kids and when they were little we read to them every night and instilled that love in them. So many treasures.

Yeah, Arlie is letting me know I am behind this morning, I need to get out of my robe and slippers and take him for his walk, he never forgets it's due!

[feralfae]

Sasha is eating a lot better, bouncing around more, feeling happier, I think. We had a long head-scratching talk today, about how we needed to be patient with each other as we figure out each other's clues. The only instructions I got were on medicine dispensing. So, I am learning Sasha. Her language, what various positions mean. By the couch means let up play with these toys. Standing by the back door means let me out for more than ten minutes. Front door is for short forays, it seems. Wait at the door for the scratch.

I made a gf/df torte au chocolat Callebaut for dessert for the party, served it up with whipped cream and fresh raspberries, and everyone loved it. I am still cleaning the kitchen. A dear woman brought a big pan of fresh-caught grilled Alaska salmon. She gave me three pieces to bring here. Salmon and scrambled eggs for breakfast! Delicious!

SSK and Guy announced their engagement, and it is very apparent that Guy's son is beyond delighted to have SSK join the family. They are sailing for Hudson's Bay and Greenland next year. May try the Northwest Passage if they can time it right. This September, they will be married at my home in Montana, in my Kiva garden.

I saw our dear friend who is doing a Nat Geo tour from here, and we had two hours of wonderful, warm conversation. I think he has met the love of his life, and she and her son are moving up here to Alaska from California, and I have invited them to be married in our home in Montana as well. Tribe. If I am out by then, as I may be going to a dig, they can stay on and have our MBR with the wonderful spa for their honeymoon. It is a heavenly suite that Doug and I designed to be warm, organic, and our own. Then we made it. I would be happy to share it with one of Doug's best friends and his new wife. He has not yet proposed, it seems. But he intends to do so. He is a shy chap.

I am back in my little nest and Sasha is gone to her doggy daddy for the night. I saved a bit of torte and cream and berries for him for the weekend. He is a kind man and so dear to keep an eye on me. I have enough chocolate left for two more tortes. I am sipping herbal tea against a tingly throat. I think it is just the heavy pollen in the air, actually.

It has been a day of great release. The ruffians are here to a very chilly reception, and will leave in one or two days, I hope never to return to Alaska. Their history of political corruption and mistreatment of women does not recommend them to this town or Tribe. Enough.

For the pleasure of the reading, I cast the i Ching* for myself this evening, asking if I am on my path, if I am where I am supposed to be this day, this place, this season. 50: Ding: The Cauldron came up. I am where I am supposed to be, thank goodness. All is well. *Sometimes, my 1/4 Cantonese comes out. I guess I just needed a little reassurance, what with this scratchy throat and all. I talked too much about ethics of humans to the guests, but no one seemed to mind. I had, after all, brought the chocolate. You can get away with a lot of nattering if you bring the torte.

And now that you are smiling, have a beautiful time doing something you love, and continue to be your most extraordinary self. Thank you for your heart.

*<twinkles>*

fae

[enna]

I have absolutely no idea what you said after you mentioned the - gf/df torte au chocolat Callebaut - and whipped cream and raspberries.

Oh yes, something about working on understanding Sasha's commands to you - remember, you are the alpha or are you!

Fresh Alaska salmon - yum - Jim's brother lived in Washington and when they came to visit they always brought filets for us. I am spoiled with my salmon.

When do you think you will be back in Montana? I have not been to some of the states in the north west - something I've wanted to do. Spend time on a dude ranch and ride in the open ranges...only a dream now.

Thank you for keeping us all updated in your adventures. I feel that you are on a 'healing' journey and will come out of it renewed. Balance is such an important word for all of us who are grieving.

Today I shall enjoy some very simple things - walks with Benji, spending time in the pool because it just feels so good, reading under a few palm trees with the misters cooling me off in our triple digit temperatures, meditating with Tara Brach - I still am in need of the 'guided' meditations to keep me on track (so many distractions otherwise), dinner today will be filet of sole with green beans, carrots and oh yes, two tablespoons of cuscus (heart regulations!). Anne

[kayc]

fae, that torte sounds wonderful, I'm sure they did all love it! My son arrived yesterday morning, and after getting my filter put on my truck and having breakfast with a friend, I stayedhome with my son and took care of Arlie and Mozzy (his dog), Skye wasn't able to come this time. It seems Skye is unable to get up using his paws anymore and has to push up from the floor with his face. I told Paul if it worsens he may need a special helmet. You may wonder why we keep this wonderful dog alive, well because frankly, he doesn't seem to have any pain and he is so happy! He truly is an inspiration as he just keeps going no matter what infirmity strikes him. I love him with all my heart and miss him.

Anyway, I made my son a strawberry-rhubarb pie...I used a single crust recipe for a double crust pie, so I could cut back on fat/calories, and rolled the crusts out super thin. He loved it and it got all stars rating from him and my neighbor. I also made Basmati rice with sausage and vegetables. And for dinner we had Noodles Alfredo with chicken and vegetables. It's a good thing we were busy to work off all of the calories!

My son got the new belt on my car...it goes around seven pulleys and being a Civic there's no room to get yur hand in there, so rather challenging. Today he's going to weld the brackets on my truck to hold the exhaust system in place. After he finished on my car he had to troubleshoot his Chevy 1 ton and replace the fuel filter on it, which he just happened to have on hand for one we used to own. That worked out well!

[feralfae]

Dear Anne,

The torte was most definitely the hit of the evening, and I am so glad I made a large one so everyone (except me) could have two pieces.

Ha! Sasha is definitely training me. She is a sweet and dear dog, and we are working on co-existing, rather than anyone being alpha, I think.

This is salmon run season, and everyone who has the equipment is out netting salmon, with the Copper and Chitina Reds being the most popular. Ours last night was fresh Chitina Red salmon.

I hope to be back in Montana by 1 July, maybe a few days earlier. Life is still a bit up in the air these days, but I am slowly beginning to feel more settled.

I am most definitely on a healing journey. Every day I am feeling stronger emotionally, and more able to cope with decisions and just everyday life. Yes, there is balance here in this quiet place, and even as I look around at things needing to be done, I realize that they are not my things to do. I am watering the plants, caring for Sasha, doing some work in the forest, and keeping the house clean. Enough to stay active, what with walks, but not feeling overwhelmed.

Good for you for spending time in the pool and sitting under the misters. I love Tara Brach’s guided meditations. I still need guiding most times too. And your dinner sounds delicious.

Have a wonderful weekend, and have fun with Benji. I am so glad to hear that he has an “all clear” from the vet.

Much Love and

<twinkles>

fae

[feralfae]

Dear Kay,

So good to hear that your son is there and helping you with a lot of things needing fixing. Skye is most definitely a dog with a huge heart, and still finding ways to get around and be with those he loves and who love him. For Skye, it is still a good life. Wonderful!

Your pie idea with the single crust made into two very thin crusts is a great idea. I am going to remember that one. Your entire dinner sounds wonderful!

I love my Honda, but the belts can be tough to change, I know. It is so great that you are getting all this fixing done. And his fuel filter, too. You are having a very productive weekend! J

And now I am going to liberally apply bug spray and go out to water the flowers and maybe plant a couple of little trees.

Much Love and

<twinkles>

fae