Reconciliation List

[kayc]

I realize all of this may not fit the situation where someone has broken up with you or pulled away due to grieving, but take what helps and discard the rest.

As posted by Don Ho on loveshack.org :

Reconciliation List

I'm not a fan of second chances because they typically end up with the Dumpee getting dumped again and I think the Dumpees most often are holding on to false hope of getting back together. However, I have this list I was working on (based largely on another LS Members thread) for those of you that want to know how to act and what to do IF a Dumper contacts you and really wants you back. Before you read this, you should probably take a look at No Foolin's thread:

This should give you PLENTY to read and think about. Ironically, my list turns out to be 12 steps:


1. ACT HAPPY
Don’t show any signs of being sad or depressed in front of them. This doesn’t mean going up to them and saying “my life’s fabulous now I’m sooo glad we’re finished”. It just means you should put on an appearance that everything is fine and dandy. This is an especially important rule if your ex found you to be clingy. No one wants to feel like they’re responsible for someone else's happiness, so show them that they’re not. You don’t need them to be happy.

2. DO NOT BRING UP THE RELATIONSHIP!
As above under ‘stop questioning them’. If they happen to bring up any relationship type talk, it’s ok to engage if you think you can both do it in a calm collected manner. If not or if it drags on without going anywhere, it’s best to just to divert and go back to normal, friendly chit chat or make your excuses and exit the conversation (in a polite way). If they’re constantly on the phone to you crying over what’s gone on but show no sign whatsoever in wanting to reconcile, they’re just stringing you along and you can’t let them.

3. DON'T ARGUE
Arguing closes off lines of communication which is not what you want to do when you’re trying to open them up or keep them open. The more you fight, the more you criticise, the more they defend themselves, the more they back off the less they think of you and the more they think they’ve made the right decision to leave you. Stop arguing, keep your emotions in check!

4. DON’T REACT TO THEIR HOSTILITY
It’s not unknown for dumpers to react in a cold or hostile way to the dumpee after a break up even when the dumpee hasn’t done anything to deserve it, especially when they have a new person!! The natural thing to do is react angrily to this and demand to know why you’re being treated unfairly. I don’t know why the dumper feels this need to be cruel but I do know that when you react to it, you just make matters worse. Quite often you don’t get an answer for their behavior and the more you push the more hostile and distant they get. If they tell you that you can’t pick up the rest of your stuff from their place because they’re too busy, just tell them “that’s fine, we can sort that out another time”. You’re easy going, you’re cool, you’re calm and that should hopefully force your ex to stop fighting and start acting rationally.

5. FAKE INDIFFERENCE
Fake indifference about the breakup. It’s not what you wanted but it was their decision so that’s ok with you. Obviously it’s not ok, but acting like you care too much is unlikely to work. Especially if they’ve told you there’s no chance they’ll change their mind and want you back. They’ve broken up with you and they’re totally unfazed by the whole thing. You on the other hand are heartbroken, confused, hurt and angry. You cry, you get upset and you give off the impression that you’re desperate and you need them. You push and you push and you push and they back further and further away. When you act indifferent to the break up you stop becoming needy and instead come across as a mature rational person who although didn’t want the break up is willing to accept it and refuses to dwell.

6. STOP TELLING THEM YOU LOVE THEM
When they’ve dumped you and you’re saying “I love you” you’re trying to claw them back into a relationship they don’t want to be in. You’re saying to them I need you, I want you, please give me what I’m looking for. As far as they’re concerned it’s all done and dusted and you’re just grasping at straws. You can’t force someone to feel what they don’t feel. They don’t love you anymore, that’s fine. You’re backing off. There’s no pressure and you’re not gonna tell them you love them because although you’d like to have them you don’t need them.

7. STOP QUESTIONING THEM
Don’t ask them what they’re thinking, what they’re feeling, what they thinking about the break up, if they’ve noticed how much you’ve changed. This can be very intimidating to people and it puts them on the defensive. Also if you keep asking them and they keep having to explain what they feel they’ve already explained, they’re gonna start getting annoyed with you and want less and less to do with you. Take off the pressure and watch them feel more at ease.

8. STOP CRITICIZING & COMPLAINING
Don’t blame them for the break up, don’t complain about what they did wrong in the relationship. It’s fine to talk to let off steam to others about this (just don’t do it too often otherwise your friends will dump you) but if you want to reconcile with your ex, don’t criticize. Judging them and chipping away at them is not gonna keep the lines of communication open. If you wanna discuss the ins and outs of what you both did wrong in the relationship, chances are you’ll have that talk if you get back together. Now is not the time.

9. DON'T TRY TO CONVINCE THEM TO FEEL DIFFERENTLY
People don’t like to be told what to think and feel. It’s a form of control and who likes to be controlled? Nobody. They already know how they feel, they’ve made their decision and the more you try to persuade them otherwise, the more they’ll dig in their heels. Don’t try to convince them that you’re so wonderful, the perfect BF or GF and why they should love you and feel a certain way. You’re just pushing and it will push them away. Also, when you try to persuade them to feel differently you’re insulting them because they think you’re questioning their judgement and decision. That’s not going to help your cause.

10. DON'T GIVE THE IMPRESSION YOU'RE WAITING AROUND
If you keep letting them know that you’re there if they ever change their mind, you’re nothing but a pushover and a sap. Every time you give off that impression you’re saying I can’t get anyone else, I have low self esteem, I’ll be your plan B, I’m willing to accept whatever breadcrumb you throw in my direction. Not very attractive to a potential mate. This attitude doesn’t give of confidence or sex appeal. You’re absolutely no challenge to them anymore. They don’t even have to try. Boring! Best to tell them or give them the impression that you’re out having fun, seeing people of the opposite sex and moving on.

11. TRY NEW THINGS
If you’ve been stuck in a bit of a rut in your life, now’s the time to get out of it. One of the reasons your ex may have left you is boredom. Everyone has things they’ve been putting off doing or have always wanted to do but have never had the time. Now’s the time to take action. Now your partner has gone you probably have that extra bit of spare time to try some new things and show your ex that you’re not as boring and predictable as they thought you were. It could be anything at all. Maybe you’ve always wanted to learn to drive, or learn a language or visit some far flung city or take cooking lessons. It doesn’t matter what it is as long as it’s something you want to do. Your new found confidence that you’ve gained from your new skill/new experience will be alluring and you’ll find yourself having more to talk about which will make you more interesting too.

12. TANTALIZE, REASSURE & WORRY THEM
Tantalise them, reassure them and worry them. Tantalise means your new found confidence, your looks, your conversational skills or whatever it was that your ex was attracted to in the beginning. Tantalising them means alluring them back to you but in an indirect sort of way. You don’t want them to know that all this effort is for them! Reassuring means making sure they realise you’re not gonna be needy, you’re not gonna be possessive, you wont be jealous and you’re not desperate to win them back. Worry means worrying them that they might lose you. Don’t tell them they might lose you, just go out and date and don’t let them know that nobody else compares to them. If you do that they’ll know you’re effectively just waiting in the wings. Reverse the roles and hopefully when they know someone else is cozying up to you they’ll start to wonder what they’ve thrown away.

[Helena_d9]

I feel i should print this off just in case

x

[kayc]

I thought it was good although the guy that posted that did so after I'd already made my mistakes.

[Pollara]

Well the fun thing is that it is usually difficult to do this out of purpose. But when you stop having interest, then you can do all these spontaneously. And for some reason then, they really do work. But, then you don't need them.
All the times in the past that I tried to do these out of purpose I was just wasting my patience. And then when I said, to hell, I really don't care anymore, all these were coming out so natural and they had 95% success (without exaggeration). But I agree that not all of them are appropriate for grievers.

What my experience teached me (of course I haven't your experience KayC) is that men might go out will silly and kind of light hearted girls, but the woman who will choose, at least the men who have brains, want her to be intependent and not a crybaby. A woman who can nurture him but also can be very well by herself.

[Helena_d9]

That is so true Pollara....it's hard to pretend to do all this but as soon as you aren't interested it all come naturally and they all come back in the end!

I've started thinking that certain men like independent, strong women at first and then get annoyed at you for being strong and independant throughout the relationship and not bending to them all the time. I know that the right guy will love you for being that person no matter what but amazes me how sometimes the thing that attracts them to you is the thing some try to change.

x

[kayc]

Helena,

You are so right. But my late husband idolized me, he saw me as superwoman and adored me! There's hope for all of you, there's someone for everyone, I truly believe that and I'm glad I got him for the time I did.

[Helena_d9]

Let's hope we all find someone like that!

x

[plum]

*sigh*

That's what my guy used to be like kayc. (first time around)

I'm hoping that he is still there deep down... But currently hidden away by grief and unfair life events... That's what makes it so hard to let go...

[kayc]

In the 6 1/2 years I knew George, he always placed me first. That's just how we both were with each other. I hope if your present relationships don't make it, that each of you one day experience that kind of relationship.

[DML]

Such great advice!

[Louisajane]

These are excellent!

But like Kayc I've already made a whole lot of those mistakes, such as telling him I love him still, letting him know I am not ok (though I don't overdo this, I tell him I am coping with my work and doing new things), and telling him I think he is making a mistake to break up with me when I love him so much and it might not be easy at our age for either of us to start again.

I said that he may find problems emerge with any new person he meets, its not easy starting anew in your 60s.

We were both so happy to find someone so special, we both said we would never want to try again if we ever broke up. Now he says he wants to be free to find someone new. I can't bear it, its like being kicked in the stomach whenever I think of it.

I promised to change a lot of things that he had found difficult about me. Little things I know I could improve on. I so believed in the love we had for each other, I couldn't imagine he could have moved so far from me that he would not feel tempted to have me back if he was sure tsame problems would never recur.

All things not to say - but I agree it would be easier to follow all these rules if one actually didn't care so much and then - what's the use???

[kayc]

Louisajane

I'm sorry. I know how hard it is. And I'm 60...I have no desire to start again.