I Need Your Help

[boogieman]

Good to hear from you today.

Happy for you that you made it through your double-whammy Valentines day.

These particular "love shared" days are hard for us without our loved ones.

I spent the majority of my day in distraction in my shop. Not particularly rewarding but

a distraction none-the-less. Had a late lunch and pancakes for dinner later

I was reluctant about attending a group session. Still not sure of all the implications and

ramifications , but being around others similarly afflicted seems to help. The counselor

reminds us at the end of session that we may have negative reactions afterwards, and she is right.

Re-facing the tragedy and trauma certainly opens wounds again.

It is like any other endeavor. The more we put in the more we get back, supposedly.

Think about it and go only if and when you feel up to it.

Another unexpected repercussion from our situation is the drawing-back of friends.

For example, in years past My Paula and I would receive 25-30 Christmas cards yearly.

This past Christmas I got only 6. As a gentleman in group opined, not hard to find out who your true friends are.

People are reluctant to face the situation as it causes them to potentially face the same issues for themselves.

And this aspect of life is avoided at almost any cost by most. They just don't understand how deeply this

affects most of us. It's too personal.

As for me, I know the person I am now is not the most pleasant person to be around.

During and shortly after My Paula's passing our children were very close and helpful.

They basically "took over" for me and attended to all the details and arrangements to spare me that.

As time has transpired they have gone back to their own lives, the natural progression.

Our oldest son is a regional director for the State of Texas, responsably for 20% of the states properties

of which there are thousands.

Our daughter recently resigned from her position as general manager of a dental chain in this area to devote

her efforts full-time to the booming real estate market locally. Business is great as she has several million dollar listings

and has sold 15 properties in recent months.

Our youngest son lives out-of-state. I don't have much contact with he and his wife, but that's another story.

Needless to say, contact with the children and families has dwindled considerably.

Hurt at first, I realize this is a solo-effort for me. Might as well get on with it and not cause any potential

un-repairable damage with them.

Get back to your life as you see fit. Only you can decide if, or when, or where you may be ready.

I have broken-down several times in public and just don't care what strangers think anymore.

This is my burden and I'll handle it the best I can, publically or not.

Oldest son and DIL coming sometime today, or so they say. I'll warmly welcome them if and when the arrive.

No expectations, no disapointments.

I need to do chores outside today and tomorrow if I can manage to do so. Spring isn't far away here

and I need to tend to pruning plants for the yearly blooming. My Paula loved working in our yard.

Me not so much, but I will do so to honor her past efforts.

And I may get back to the shop too, working on a project or two for school.

I have plenty to do but still little drive to do so, especially now.

Tomorrow morning at 3:00am in April '13, My Paula passed away.

Her memorial service was/is on the 19th.

Needless to say, I am quite disturbed by these dates again this week.

Ten months isn't long, but an eternity for me.

Only you know what is best for you. Do what you need and want to do to try to ease your grief.

There are no right or wrong answers.

Rest well.

Chris

[boogieman]

Just saw your most recent posting.

You have every "right" to be angry at the world!

You be "mad" if that is what you need to be!

I made a solemn vow to My Paula on Nov 10, 1979 to love, honor, and cherish her to

the exclusion of all others. I intend to continue to honor that vow.

She deserves nothing less.

I still wear my wedding ring and will forever do so.

I am still married to her and love her even more passionatly than ever before.

The "why" is an unanswerable question. It has taken time to realize this and learn to adjust my

thoughts accordingly. The "unjustness" of this certainly is unfair by any standard.

The world is a lesser place without people like My Paula and Your Bill in it.

As "they" say...."The greater the love, the greater the loss".

If we didn't love so very much this wouldn't hurt so much.

We suffer deeply and greatly for we loved so very much.

Chris

[kayc]

If it's any consolation, I send out about 40 cards and get about six back. I used to get many more, but I think a lot of people have cut back sending them because of the rise in postage and cards, also people crowded for time. It's easier for people to push a button and send an eCard to 50 people at once, only takes 30 seconds. A sign of our times...

[boogieman]

It's 10 pm on the longest night of my life, again.

In 5 hours at 3:00 am on April 16th, My Paula passed away.

Going to be a very hard night, little sleep if at all, and then tomorrow.

Already anxious, stressed, and tense facing the onslaught again.

Terrible headache and hands shaking.

[kayc]

It's hard to believe it's been ten months already, yet to you it must seem at least a million years. That's how it is with me. I talked to George tonight (I talk to his picture up on the wall...he's looking younger all the time!), told him I can't believe it's been 8 1/2 years+, yet it seems a lifetime ago. He was my one and only Valentine, the love of my life.

[boogieman]

Like it or not I am still here.

So it begins again.

The darkest chapter of my life.

10 months? 10,000 years?

Took a long hard look in the mirror.

Who is that person looking back at me?

No wonder our daughter can "see the toll on me physically".

Frightening

[KarenK]

Chris, I am here with you on this long night, not thinking so much about Ron, I guess, but about my daughter who is facing yet another demon courtesy of cancer. Of course. It would be selfish of me to wish his having to endure her suffering. He loved her so very much. But when he was here, it was a bit easier for me face her condition than to face it alone. I posted on the "Talking Heals" thread a few minutes ago because I am so very alone & just needed to "spit it out" to someone.

I knew you would probably be having a cruddy night also, & cruddy is putting it mildly, but I just wanted you to know that you are not alone. I do not grieve for Ron as you do for Paula, only because my grief is overshadowed with sadness for my child, but I truly understand the grief & vast feeling of "being alone" forever. You & Paula had, & still have a very special relationship. We both know if our "loves" were still on this earth, they would still be suffering immeasurably. For this reason only, I'm glad Ron has been set free.

I too, have aged. I don't look in the mirror too often. My health has been worse this past year than it has in my whole life of nearly 67 years. It just doesn't seem to matter much anymore.

I hope some of this made sense. Wishing that each day somehow will become a tiny bit brighter for you.

Luv,

Karen

[Jenna2]

Hi, Everyone.

I wanted to reply with something witty and encouraging, but it's all been said already.

Personally, I have no new news.

So I'll just say hang in there everyone. We will all make it through somehow.

I wish you all well, escpecially you Chris, with all your anniversaries.

Jenna

[boogieman]

Karen,I do fully understsnd your pain and situation. My heart goes out to you, Ron, and now your daughter.

Having someone to share the pain and agony with makes a huge difference.

I am so sorry we have to face these demons alone but face them we must, alone or not.

Everything you said resonates with me and most others here.

Thank you Jenna for your words of concern and support.

I finally fell asleep from exhaustion sometime around 4am. I actually slept well and restfully after doing so.

I had an encounter with My Paula that somehow soothed the raw emotions and allowed me to rest.

Maybe my anticipation of the time at hand exsaserbated my sense of dread.

I don't know exactly what or how things turned out as they have.

Whatever the case, surprisingly, I feel better this morning than I expected.

Amazing the effects a good nights sleep can have on ones psyche.

And last night, of all nights, for me.

I choose to believe My Paula's intercession is at least partially responsible.

Or simply the passage of time and the daily mental adjustments required just to "get by".

The day is here and so am I.

Still not easy or pleasant but "do-able" some how.

I feel the need to somehow make the best of today if for no other reason than to honor

My Paulas indominable spirit and positive outlook on life in general.

"Rest well My Dear. You know I love you and hope to be with you soon."

[boogieman]

This is a perfect example of the unexpected.

Last week I called and left a greeting for the Hospice Care nurse that tended to My Paula during her last days.

Not expecting a reply I was content with doing so.

Late this afternoon I got a return call from her. We exchanged pleasantries and talked at length.

I told her I had been thinking of her for a while before calling. She said she had an urge to contact me prior to my call.

Like old friends we talked, exchanged views and opinions, and opined on our current situations.

So very nice to be able to talk openly with this special person in my and My Paula's life.

The sweet irony is that she remembered caring for My Paula and was planning to call anyway.

Planning to call today, the date of My Paula's passing, which she remembered..

Also ironic that My Paula's care was the first she had taken after taking a 6 week hiatus from the stress of her position

and had only returned to Hospice Care duty the very day we enlisted Hospice care for My Paula.

Some will see this a coincidence. I, for one, can not.

Too many happen-stance events, decisions, and occurences to be so random.

And calling today of all days. What a blessing.

Makes the unthinkable almost bearable. Almost.

The call did lift my spirits to approaching tollerable levels.

[boogieman]

The day is over and I have hit bottom despite the better day earlier.

So off to bed to wrestle with sleep from the depth of despair.

I have yet to figure-out how to manage these extremes in emotion with no warning

in the extremely short time frame they overpower me.

Think i will just give-up trying to do so. A futile effort at best and never successful.

Yeah. Only 10 hours until tomorrow.

[boogieman]

Looks and feels like I'm the only soul here.

It is after 4am and I have no one to talk to. No sleep tonight even though I tried.

Don't you just hate nights like that?

Almost got there but had a terrible nightmare about a home invasion that woke me.

"Slept" for a total of 3 minutes. 3:28 to 3:31.

Tried again but my eyes won't stay shut.

Brain in total overdrive so I can't relax.

I hate being so dependant on others now. Without My Paula I am completely lost.

No appetite so I don't eat. No one to lay next to me with so I don't sleep.

No one to talk to so I type. No one to spend time with so I am lonely.

No one in this big house but me.

No one to turn to but me and I let me down regularly.

Resigned to being sad and lonely for the rest of my miserable days, I just can't seem to get the hang of it.

Desperately needing to be somewhere else, but where do I fit in anymore?

I equate this so called life to the "STYX" song,,,"Too Much Time On My Hands".

The extremes of life from the stratasphere with no air to the crushing despair of the depths of hell in a matter of moments.

Even my simple mind knows this is no way to live.

No middle ground, no base line, no visible horizon, no tangable normal to return to, so I "yo-yo" constantly.

No forseeable end in sight scares me beyond words, yet I try to put it into words.

To speak the un-speakable. Think the un-thinkable. Imagine the un-imaginable.

To be who I am not since I have no compass or means to find who or where that person is any longer.

Not at all pleased or accepting of the person I have been forced to become.

Moody, erratic, sad, lonely, given to emotional extremes, and completely un-recognizable to me.

A stranger in my own flesh.

Who exactly is this disagreeable soul? What does he want? Where is he going? What is he doing?

Why is he here? What is his purpose?

All rhetorical of course, but these thoughts constantly flood my consciousness, especially at night.

Ergo, no sleep for me.

The sporadic ramblings of a mad-man at best.

No rhyme or reason apparent except to me, whoever he may be.

All questions and still no readily available answers.

Much wiser scholars have wrestled with these questions for eons.

As of yet, no discernable definitive answers.

How is a simple soul supposed to make heads or tails out of the fugue and chaos sorrounding and engulfing

those pondering such issues?

Getting old is not for the poor, the weak, nor the lonely.

I personally fall into all three catagories.

Poor I can manage.

Lonely is a condition beyond my control.

Weak is an embarassment.

My Paula made me strong.

Without her I am not strong enough any longer.

Another meaningless day is soon to arrive.

I ask myself... What is the point?

To go and do simply for the sake of doing?

For what purpose, to what ends?

Although esoteric and nebulus, my life has had a focus, a purpose, an end-game point.

That being the life shared with the love of my life.

That end-game point has been reached and surpassed.

Now without My Paula, what is left for me?

In the overall scheme of things I don't matter or amount to one whit.

I can live with that but is what is left enough?

"NO" is the answer that continually rises to the top.

Isn't it ironic that after a very short while depression becomes acceptable?

At least it is a tangable entity, easily defined, and comfortable in it's consistancy.

I hear the hustle and bustle of the awakening world outside my doors.

I have commitments made to keep today. Tomorrow is another matter entirely.

Even tonight is questionable, at best.

[Jenna2]

Hi Chris,

I understand your pain, and wish that you feel better soon.

I too have struggled with a life that seems empty so I know where you're coming from.

Take care.

Jenna

[kayc]

Chris,

I'm sorry you had another sleepless night. I didn't sleep much in the beginning either, it has gotten better, but I've had a lot more years to adjust. I know you aren't big on doctors, but my doctor suggested a sleep aid, Trazodone 50 mg. and said it's safe, and he uses it from time to time. I didn't use it then but I saved it and used it a couple years down the road when I had to commute a long ways and couldn't sleep. I found it imperative that I get sleep for my long drive to work. I didn't take it regularly, just when I felt I was REALLY in need of getting a good night's sleep and felt I wouldn't otherwise.

When you go without sleep repeatedly, it wreaks havoc with your brain, your emotions, your focus, everything. It's very detrimental to your health both mentally and physically.

I hope you will try some of the suggestions previously listed, I know Marty posted a link for you once, if you can't find it, perhaps you could ask her to repost it.

Edited February 17, 2014 by MartyT
Link inserted

[boogieman]

I did make the day somehow.

Got to class by 6:30 am. The instructor was astounded as I usually show up around 9;00 - 9:30 for an 8:00 start time.

Stayed until 3:00 pm. A long day.

Got home and fell asleep until just a short while ago.

Extreme irritability plagues me. A constantly barking dog a few doors down woke me. The city won't take action for this disturbance of the peace unless I file charges through the police dept. Can you believe that?

Now hungry but not wanting to eat. Repulsive expensive habit this.

In order to cover my household taxes for this year, $3,000, I have had to set-aside an additional $250/month.

Existing on only my $1,300/month leaves me $1,050/month for living expenses.

The AC tab runs up to $500/month all summer long.

So a doctor is out as Medicaid barely covers anything any more. I can't afford the co-pay and out-of-pocket costs.

Thank you "Uncle Barry". Affordable Health Care my aunt Sally!

I did try repeatedly last June to contact my doctor regarding the sleep aid.

After a week of leaving messages I gave up. I quit trying completely.

Left to my own devices with not much alternative available.

What else am I supposed to do?

I did re-read that link from Marty.

More than I can cope with right now.

Every aspect of my life is wreaked by havoc somehow anyway, so what difference does one more make.

I don't mean to be so negative so much of the time. Reality dictates what I see and how I feel at any given moment.

It is hard to look up from the bottom of a very deep hole.

If I thought for a single second I was the only one with problems I would get really depressed!

[kayc]

Marty, thank you for finding and reposting that link!

Chris, I do understand, I feel that hole at times too. Tonight is one of those times.

Have you tried sleepytime tea, or other natural remedies to aid your sleep? It doesn't hurt to leave a message at the doctor's once a day until they respond.
Shoddy doctoring is just not acceptable to me! I am the kind of person that holds others accountable...it doesn't make me very well liked, but it does get response. I'm not here for doctors to like me, but it matters more to me that they do their job. Grrr! I hear you about the affordable health care! It is frustrating at best. While I'm grateful that we have something, I'm appalled at what it's sunk to.

I'm glad you had your class to distract you a bit today. And I hope tonight you are so tired that you will sink into sleep...

[Jenna2]

Chris, I took me about a year and a half to get through the worst of my hurt.

Please hang in there.

Jenna

[boogieman]

Finally slept last night. Fittful at best, I find this morning I got no real rest.

Apparently just enough to be forced to have to go through the motions of

another long lonely day.

In a way a good thing as I have nowhere to have to be or anything of importance

to have to do. The cubbards are bare but stll no appetite or desire to eat anything.

Thinking on the sleep inducing suggestions from Marty I find I do many of them at present.

I sleep on My Paulas side of the bed on her pillows.

I have a night light on in the adjacent bathroom.

The bedroom is as dark and quiet and as cool as possible.

I have a glass of milk every night at bedtime.

I leave the TV on an old movie or one of the music channels every night.

I say my prayers and talk to My Paula every night before trying to sleep.

I go through our exchange of "Love You" reaffermations every night.

All to no avail as these aren't enough to overcome the deep pain and agony

of having to be without My Paula. Even acknowledging the fact that she is gone

is more than I can bear. Sleeping alone, in-and-of-itself, causes anxiety and

sorrow.

I have to accept that this is how I will be. I am one of those lonely souls

who is just not going to be happy alone, ever. Now alone without My Paula,

the "Love of My Life", I am approaching a critical-mass point, not abating

as some would suggest. Things aren't getting "better" or "easier" at all.

They are getting worse for me. Even while pursuing distractive endeavors,

I find myself constantly going back to and recalling the happy past we shared.

Going back and perusing my past posts I see a pattern of ups and downs.

Lately the downs are over-shaddowing the ups.

As time passes the reality of the totality of my loss is "sinking in"

and becoming the dominant factor in my daily so called life.

The few good times and situations of the last ten months are so few and far

between as to be insignificant. Appreciated for sure,but not enough.

From mid 2010 through April 2013 we had many heartbreaks, dissapointments,

fact facing, and reality checks. We accepted them all in stride because

we had each other. That all-encompassing love and support for each other so rare.

We faced all the realities together as one. Our vows and pledges to and for

each other never waivering.

Now that I don't have My Paula to care for I am empty and hollow.

I know the focus of my life has been taken. I am thrilled beyong words knowing

she does not have to suffer any longer. That in no way mitigates my missing her.

My long lonely days with no one to share the simple things of life with are real.

This is how it must be. I find it unacceptable.

By myself I have no drive, no ambitions, no asperations, no life.

Every aspect of my life was and is laser focused on My Paula.

Without her I am lost. Completely lost.

My Paula is my reason for existing. My reason for thriving.

My life expressed through her, and her alone.

Without My Paula I have no life.

[kayc]

I have had two broken engagements, three divorces, and one death of a spouse. They are not the same, even though you can find some similarities. The death of a spouse goes on and on and you have to learn to live with it. Getting over a divorce is usually accompanied by the fuel of anger that can aid you in getting over it. Getting over a broken engagement...one of the hardest parts of it is the unanswered questions.

Death of a spouse is by far the hardest. Your love does not die, you do not "get over it" but must learn to live with it and adjust to it. It affects every aspect of your life, from the sleeping alone, spending holidays, nights, weekends, and all of the days inbetween alone. No one to do their half of the chores. Noone else contributing to the household income. No one giving you that appreciative glance when you don new clothes. No one accompanying you to church, plays, concerts, or going camping with you. No one to tell your innermost thoughts to. No one leaving the garage light on for you. No one to watch the dog/cat when you go away for the weekend with your friends. No one to call on if you need a ride. No one to hold you when you have a bad dream. No one to snuggle with on the couch. No one to smell, touch, inhale. It's like being one of the walking dead, day after day after day.

Nope, not at all the same as "breaking up". Noone chose to leave this relationship, instead it was ripped from you with no say so. There's a difference between an ex-partner that didn't want you and a partner that leaves this world through no choice of their own. There's no "getting over it" because they didn't ask for it and neither did you.

[kayc]

Chris,

I read that drinking milk before bed does not put one to sleep, in fact, it causes the digestive system to be in overdrive as milk is not the easiest thing to digest. As one with IBS, I've had to learn what upsets a system and what does not. It's a misnomer that milk helps one sleep...I'd drink it in the morning, not nighttime. http://sleepjunkies.com/features/the-33-biggest-myths-about-sleep-and-insomnia-de-bunked/

Also, does sleeping in your bed alone just make you feel all the more alone and bring home to you the fact that she's not there to share the bed with you? If so, perhaps try sleeping somewhere else...I sleep in a recliner. As long as it affords you the ability to still toss and turn, sleep on this side, then that, it shouldn't hurt you, in fact, some of them can be very comfortable and supportive. It's worth a try, esp. if it's easier for you to doze off. You could even try having music on, many of them can be programmed to turn themselves off with so much time with no activity.

Is there anything in particular that wakes you in the night, such as being too hot or having to pee? If so, try to remedy that situation, sleep cooler with blankets you can easily kick off. Don't drink within two hours of going to bed.

I'm sorry even a good night's sleep didn't leave you feeling rested. All we can do is practice, try to sleep, and hopefully with time it will get better...it has for me, but OMG it took a long time for it to become regular. I'm glad you don't have a job and a long commute to go to in the morning, that was the hard part for me after not getting enough sleep...it was dangerous and hard to function.

[boogieman]

Having a glass of milk before bedtime has been my practice for over 35 years. I don't do it for sleep inducements

as much for the cold, smooth, settling effects on me generally. So far I have not been afflicted with the

"old man prostrate/bladder syndrome". Lucky me.

I neglected to mention my bedtime routine of taking an aspirin to ease my normal aches and pains.

Heart healthy, blood thinning properties, and general mild pain relief.

A lifetime in construction leads to these.

Sleeping is my issue, not the location. It is stressful sleeping alone but equally so most of the time

regardless of location. Being alone is a major complication factor, but not the only one. I miss her warmth,

security, her being close for me to protect, the gentle sound of her breathing.

My Paula almost always "slept well" for lack of a better term. I often just laid awake next to her to enjoy

vicariously her serene, peaceful sleeping. I envied her that quality. It was our habit of her going to bed before me.

I would always accompany her and stay with her until she was soundly asleep. It comforted and reassured her

I was there for her. This simple routine, this seemingly insignificant gesture, was good for us both.

That is what I miss so greatly.

If and when I do sleep, I hardly ever wake in the night. Exceptions being if My Paula needed me, or the

phone ringing, or such. Otherwise I just don't wake at night. Or used to not wake in the night.

Now I find the opposite is true. My Paula not being there is the first thing I check should I waken

in the night, and most assuredly every morning, if I do have a morning.

Twice weekly I go to school. It is only a 15 minute drive and never on a highway. Surface streets only.

So not much danger there.

Besides, I can come and go as my schedule and time-frame allows.

Last week I even was allowed a "personal" work table set aside just for me alone. Otherwise

the tables are on a first-come basis. ( More students than work tables. They have to share - I don't).

I am doing a few fabrication projects for the college, and class in particular, so I get my own!

Fortunately, when I can't or don't sleep before class days, I find I move in slow-motion.

Lots of safety there when every move is planned and considered carefully.

I adhere to a life-time of safety precautions.

In years past I even gave regular safety seminars to my crews.

A fully functional fabrication shop is a very dangerous place.

I have even taken it upon myself to point out dangers to some of the first-time students.

[Jenna2]

Midnight here and I'm unable to sleep.

Two hours ago I took a sleeping pill and went to bed. I slept for a while, then I woke up with an uncomfortable feeling like fire around my midsection. This has happened to me before, but now it's very intense.

I've started composing a letter to the detective. It won't be long now until he can start the search. My feelings are mixed.

Jenna

[boogieman]

The 19th has come and now going.

What a long terrible stressful week this has been.

I hope to get a reprieve until the 13th of next month.

School obligations over until next week.

Only group tomorrow night if I go.

Oh, and I am going to Cirque de Soleil Sunday with our son and daughter.

This yearly outing was eagerly anticipated and thoroughly enjoyed by

My Paula and I for 10 years. Made sure to see every touring show.

Even when she was "down" from chemo. Cheered her up greatly.

Hope I can keep it together then.

Seems that no matter what, my frame of reference always includes My Paula.

What a wonderful life we shared.

[Jenna2]

Chris,

It's good that you're going out with your family Sunday.

It sounds the years you shared with Paula were wonderfulful indeed.

Jenna

[kayc]

I hadn't heard of Cirque de Soleil and had to google it. Is it something that travels, that shows at different places, or is it something always held in one location? I hope you have a great time!

You are almost through today...