Unresolved Grief Has Ruined My Life...

[ghostface]

I was 6 when my Mom passed from cancer and no one ever gave me the chance to grieve or even explain to a 6 year old why the grieving process is vital, no one sat me down for a one to one or even asked me was how I felt about it.

The emotional pain would surface but only in public when other kids would come up to me to say sorry about your Mom like at the funeral, then it welled up inside me and felt like I was going to break down crying, was I going to have an emotional out burst in public?, no so I had to push it back down as far as I could to avoid that embarrassment, it never came out when I was by myself and I wish it had back then or if there was someone else I could have opened up to.

I completely buried it deep down inside and just went on with life, there were times where if I was ever upset in certain situation's it would trigger the suppressed grieve to come out and it was always in public so I had to push it back down again, example been in class and not being able to to a math's sum triggered it to come out in front of all my class mates so again I had to push it back down.

By the time I was 15 my life was going great and I was always very proud of how well I was doing without having a mom in my life, I was highly charismatic, other then academics there was no area or part of my self I didn't excel in, I had the world at my feet and was set to do big thing's when I got older and that's when unresolved grieve hit me.

I didn't know what it was when it started, I knew something was wrong just didn't know what and from that point on my life took a drastic downward spiral, it's like you just stop being happy but without any specific cause, your not yourself anymore and you don't know why and I didn't have anyone close in my life for me to turn to for advise or guidance, I have memory's of this turning point the first one being hating all emotion inside myself, basic emotion such as smiling, displaying happiness and making a conscience choice to suppress everything and to get as far away as possible from it, at home I made the conscience choice to no longer take pleasure out of anything in life, television, food, music, thing's that I loved, I think the term for having an emotional attachment to object's and activity's that we enjoy and love doing is called cathexis?, so I broke off everything that I loved to do and things that gave me pleasure in life, I was changing inside, turning to the dark side if you will, I aspired to be an angry hateful person, something that I never was in the first place and peoples reactions were not good, I was always used to being at the top of the social hierarchy and loved to be around other people, fed off it, it fired up my charisma, but from here on in every interaction I had with people was negative, people reacted almost in disgust and turned there backs on me, the rock solid self confidence that I had always enjoyed was being shattered on a daily basis, a year later from all these changes I found my self completely alone in the world crying my eyes out every day trying to figure out how I could have fallen so far and ended up so alone.

From there I fell into a deep dark depression accompanied with so much anger that grew over the years and fed of itself, I'm not going to bother going into detail over the past 15 years because it was hell, from the age of 29 on wards I started getting better, last spring I finally grieved as if the person had just died and since then the depression and anger have gradually all but subsided, the tension Iv been carrying in my body these past 15 years is starting to leave and I'm experiencing something of an emotional re-awakening again, just wish it had happened a lot sooner, I have lost over half of my life to unresolved grief.

I'll leave it at that, I'm a male and about to turn 31 next month.

[MartyT]

My friend, your story reminds me so much of that of another young man who, like yourself, did not deal with his grief until many years later, when he finally mustered the courage to reach out for the help he needed. (You can read his story here: Voices of Experience: Delayed Grief )

As I read the title of your post, Unresolved Grief Has Ruined My Life, I expected quite a different story from the one I read. What I read was a story of remarkable resilience, courage and triumph. You don't say how you managed to pull yourself from the depths of depression and all that repressed anger you carried for so many years, or if you sought the support of a grief therapist to help you find your way ~ but clearly you are far enough along to know how the early loss of your father (and the way it was handled ~ or not ~ by your caregivers) had a such a profound effect on your personality and how you developed into a young adult.

You say that "I have lost over half of my life to unresolved grief." I respectfully disagree. There are so many young adults who, at the age you are now, have not nearly the maturity and the insights you have gained from your own experiences. You see, my friend, it really does not matter what happens to us in life ~ everyone has a story, and some stories are more tragic than others. Still, what matters most is what we DO with what happens to us. What can we learn from our experiences? What can we do with what we've learned? How can we best play the hand we've been dealt? How will we grow? What do we have to teach others? As you live the rest of your life, whatever you decide to do with this early loss of your father ~ and what you will learn from it ~ is totally up to you. And from what you've written here, it sounds to me as if you're well on your way to using it in a very positive way. That, to me, is cause for celebration. From my heart to yours, I thank you for sharing your story here with all of us, and know that for doing so, you have my deepest admiration and respect. ♥

[enna]

I do not have anything different to add to what Marty has already said but I so agree with her about your “resilience, courage and triumph” over the death of your mother. It is so helpful to others to read how we overcome tragedies in our lives.

You are one bright, shining star in my eyes and I am so glad you came here to express your feelings. Many are not able to do so and find courage after reading what some of our members post.

I am delighted that you are beginning to feel “an emotional re-wakening again.”

I would say that your life is just beginning and what a beginning it is going to be. I strongly believe that those we have loved in this life are always walking right beside us and never leave us. Welcome to this warm place of healing. Anne

[mfh]

As I read your story, I do not see a ghostface (as you called yourself) even though I respect how you feel. I see a strong, sensitive man who has triumphed over great loss that was so poorly handled by the adults around you when your Mom died. I do not know too many 31 year olds (or even 50) who have used a great loss and tragedy as well as you have and with such great awareness. I have to agree with Marty that you have not lost half your life, instead for half your life you have grown and become stronger and most likely very compassionate as you meet others who have pain. I do hope you feel free to share those details of your story that you mentioned if you wish to do so. We are here and welcome.

Peace to your heart,

Mary

[kayc]

I thought of the same story when I read this one too, Marty.

It is never too late to begin your grieving. In fact, it seems to wait for us if we suppress it. It does affect us, sometimes for bad, but sometimes for good...it does seem to create more depth to us.

I wish you the best as you continue your journey...I am sorry you lost your mom.

[Greta]

I don't think grief resolves. I think we hold it like a coin, flipping back and forth. I'm really trying to see and carry both sides of the coin like open palms.

I am horrified to read about Marty's departure. She is irreplaceable. I am grieving.

[MartyT]

Just to clarify, Greta my dear ~ I am NOT departing. I am still very much here, just as I've been every single day for the past decade. How the site will be maintained and paid for may change over time, but as far as our dear members are concerned, nothing has changed. We are all still here; our posts are all still here. Everything is still safe here. So I hope this will ease your mind a bit ~ and please know that I am so very grateful for your loyalty over the years you've been with us. ♥