Unresolved Grief During The Holidays

[LindaG]

Good Morning!

I find myself four years after Joe has passed still facing the sadness and isolation that the Holiday Season can bring. I find myself at the end of a relationship that started a year and a half after Joe passed. A relationship that was with someone suffering from bi-polar disorder who was a prescription drug and alcohol abuser. A man who was abusive to me verbally and it ended with a physical assault that landed him in custody and me in counseling at the end of last month. My twenty year old self would have never put up this man for so long but I believe it was the separation from my husband's death. I believe the loneliness was too much for me and I needed that someone? My counselor and I agree most of my sadness surrounding this breakup is rooted from my husband's passing. Unresolved grief. My husband died in October of 2009 at the age of 39. The assault and end of my current relationship ended on Halloween eve. Same time of year....the overall feeling of sadness and isolation has become close to what I felt in 2009.... very similar. So to get thru this Holiday season, I am in domestic abuse counseling once a week, Al Anon Meetings, and attending a group meeting once w a week - Dealing with Grief thru the Holidays via my local Hospice.

I'm sharing my story as I feel younger widows may be open to finding new partners that they feel they can "fix". A need for control as a result of what was taken away. It has taken me a month to look at the chaos that I was living with on a daily basis. Taking care of someone who was abusive and unable or unwilling to be "fixed". There were good times. There was the sober and loving side of this individual as well but the disease and mental disorders out far weighed the good.

If anyone does find themselves trying to justify a difficult relationship past a loss, please remember my story. Please remember to take of yourself first as that is what I am determined to do going forward.

I wish you all some peace this Thanksgiving.

- Linda G

I

[MartyT]

Linda, my dear, I cannot thank you enough for having the courage to share your important story with all of us here. You are a very brave woman, and you deserve every ounce of admiration and respect we can offer you. It is good to know that you are seeking the support of individual counseling, Al Anon and your local hospice ~ Hooray for you ~ and thank you again! ♥

[mfh]

Dear Linda,

I am so sorry for all the pain you have had to deal with on top of losing your Joe. How grateful I feel that you have been willing to share this story with people here. I know it will help some one person if not many. I am glad you are getting the support you need and you know, of course, that you are always welcome here at any time. Peace to your heart, Mary

[mik]

Dear Linda

I too understand your feeling of unresolved grief. It seems that just when you feel that you have cried, mourned, remembered and resolved the sadness...enough to move forward, beginning a new job, moving, starting a new relationship, something happens...something goes wrong...and it ends. With that ending comes back all those feelings of loss. You ask your self, why am I feeling this much pain? It can't compare to what I have already experienced...why? I found this difficult to understand. I thought that each loss would make me tougher, help me to develop a tough skin that would enable me to cope with any loss, as what could possibly compare to the loss of our partner? I found just the opposite to be true. It seems as though all the grief we have experienced in the past is once again pushing through the flood gates. I don't know how others cope with that grief..perhaps they do develop a strong, more resistent nature to the familiar overwhelming grief..but I did not.

I could not understand it. I finally accepted the fact that the grief I experienced once again was maganifed by the unresolved feeling that were still present. They may always be present, I don't know? and with each loss it again magnified into grief stricken loss. I do know this however, as afraid as I am to love someone again and to again feel this loss, it won't deter me from making choices to love again.

I am glad to see that you have a support system. Please do not feel bad about reaching out for another chance at love. I think that at times when our need is greatest, we don't make choices that are the best we can make for ourselves, but we do we we need to do to survive. Knowing that you recognized that your broken relationship needed to end, was another step you have taken in grieving. Its all just steps (sometime two ahead and one back) in the entire process. These are just my thoughts...

You sound as though you are exactly where you need to be at this point in your life. Myself? I try really hard not to question why, but to believe it is where I am meant to be. Take care....

Kim

[kayc]

Linda, I'm sorry you went through that experience. It sounds like you have emerged healthier and wiser for having gone through it though, I commend you for learning from it! I don't know if you ever read my story or not, but I went through something similar...remarried about 1 1/2 years after George's death and he turned out to be a con. He deliberately set it up so he could live dual lives...he pretended we'd have a normal marriage but in the end, he never lived with me...he cheated on me and conned me, and he was good at it...to the sum total of about $50,000.00. Not that I had $50k, but he stuck me with his bills (long story) and I had to remortgage my house, with interest, I will be paying until I'm 80. Hard lesson but I learned it. I, too, have chosen to share my story as a word of caution to those who are the most vulnerable...widows/widowers. It's very humbling and embarassing, but if it stops one person from making the same mistake, it's worth sharing.

I agree with Marty, you are brave!

[LindaG]

Thank you all for sharing and the words of encouragement. I felt I had to share what happened to me here. I do feel a kinship to the members of this forum as after Joe died I was here quite a bit and all of the people sharing what I was going thru was extremely comforting during a horrible time. I once read what you don't deal with now will come back and deal with you later... such is the grief for me. I will spend more time processing what needs to be processed with the help of professionals so that I can make better life decisions going forward.

Peace and comfort today especially.

- Linda G

[Guest babylady]

so sorry linda. i'm 72 so there won't be anymore men in my life except for my male friends.

[kayc]

I'm glad you got away from the scumbag...maybe that's harsh, but it upsets me that anyone can hurt one of our own! Grrr! He's lucky I'm not around!