How Much More?

[Donnacas]

I'm sure this is a whiny, self pitying post and I apologize ahead of time. I can't seem to help myself today.

I kind of feel like someone is out to get me lately. On Thursday, my brother in law had heart surgery. It did not go well and for a couple of nights there was a real danger of losing him. One year after my father and father in law and not even two months after my husband, this would have been too much. Fortunately, he is doing better now.

But because of those two night that we all spent in the ICU Waiting room, my first school assignment was late. Which is a bad way to start. I'm having a hard enough time focusing as it is.

I have an employee at my husbands business that is going to have to be fired, which I have never done before and am not looking forward to because I have a feeling it's going to be unpleasant. But I can't afford to pay someone who isn't doing their job. It's imperative to my family's livelihood right now.

And a person has contacted me with a claim that my husbands business owes him money which I believe is untrue at the root but he's the type to peruse legally, which I can't afford and I can't afford to pay him.

And to top it all off, my teenagers are fighting with each other. I'm almost afraid to leave them alone together because the animosity is so bad right now. We need counseling that I can't afford.

I really really miss my husband. I wish I could just be with him and leave all this behind.

[kayc]

Donnacas,

I am sorry you are going through so much, when going through the loss of your husband is in itself already more than enough to get through.

I hope you can develop a tough heart like me and just fire the person that needs fired without feeling bad. Think of it as a consequence of their own actions. Think of it as tough love. Sometimes we have to do things that while not pleasant, need to be done...both for the other person, and for ourselves. Stick to your guns, don't let them talk you out of it, remember the bottom line is you must look out for the company for it's survival, for YOUR survival. They will find another job, and perhaps they will do a better job next time, having learned from this. But they aren't your concern, they are THEIR concern, YOUR business is your company, so I hope you can keep that in mind during your delivery of the news.

Has the other person given you proof that the business owes him money? Have you seen an attorney about it? I used to think I couldn't afford an attorney, but there have been times in my life I would have been money ahead had I seen one.

There are counselors that charge based on your income. Sometimes churches offer counseling services too, it might be worth looking into.

And it doesn't sound whiny and self pitying at all. We all have these times and when they come, we miss our husband and need him all the more. I like to imagine his arms around me, and think of him looking out for me, loving me even now...it brings comfort and encouragement.

[MartyT]

My dear, we can offer you all sorts of resources we might find on the Internet, but the question still remains: Where will you find the time or the energy to follow all the links and investigate which resources would be of greatest use to you and your boys?

That is where a social worker can be of such enormous help to you, my dear. That person will be able to sift through all of the information and help you find what best fits your individual circumstances.

Use the Yellow Pages and call hospitals and hospices near you. Ask to speak with the Bereavement Coordinator, Social Worker, or Chaplain's Office. These people keep updated referral lists and should know what social and family services are available in your community. Explain your situation and what services you think you need, and ask for a referral.

As for grief counseling, many hospitals and hospices provide family grief support programs, and offer bereavement support groups to the general public at no cost.

I hope you will think of this as a gift you can give to yourself and your boys, and one you all need and so richly deserve. ♥

[Donnacas]

I did find a counselor with a sliding scale and make an appointment for us. I plan to have the employee out by Friday. The other stuff I haven't worked out yet. I guess I'm depressed. I really want to go hide somewhere until I just die, even more now than I did right after my husband died. It's not as panicked feeling, but feels deeper. I don't know if that's normal or not but it seems never ending.

[kayc]

A lot of times employers let their employees go at the end of the day on Friday so it's not so disruptive to the rest of the work force. You'll be in my prayers, I know it's not a fun task, but sometimes a much needed one. A lot of time our normal grief can feel like or resemble depression, but it's not in the clinical sense. I'm glad you found a counselor and I hope they're a good help to you.

[mfh]

Donnacas, I do not know if you are depressed but think about it, for now (until you see the counselor) as grief. Grief and depression have a lot in common and you have lost so many people and this latest close call with your brother-in-law was just more than you could handle. I am glad you found a counselor....please do keep the appointment. I do hope your meetings with your counselor will include some time just for you and the counselor as well as time with your kids. As Marty said, there are groups available (support groups) that are free of charge. Hospice and your local hospital can direct you. I am sorry these times already filled with loss and grief are further complicated by your work situation and two teens who are fighting.

[ohsosad]

I'm having such a hard time dealing with my husband's death - JUST my husband's death. That's enough. Then to read what others have to deal with In Addition To The Death Of A Loved One -- I can't imagine.

Rita

[kayc]

Just your husband's death is enough. somehow I think we all find we rise to the occasion, I don't know how, we summon every bit of strength within us to face what we must. All that we learned going through the loss of our spouse we apply to our other situations and draw upon it. Karen has really been hit lately. Coming here and knowing there are those here praying for us, inspiring and encouraging us, it makes all the difference in the world. One day at a time, we get through it.