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New Here. Missing My Dad, So Depressed And Mother And Siblings Being H

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I have been lurking for a while until I had the courage to share my story. I am still not ready to see a therapist which I really need to. This is the first step in getting better. I have felt if I don't talk about it it can't be true which I know isnt the case.

Anyways on with my story. In a span of less than 3 months I had 3 people in my family die. My cousin and my uncle both dies after long battles with cancer we all were prepared for their deaths. But on Friday June 13th 2014 my world was forever changed. My dad died. It was not expected his health was relatively good however, he had a hernia that he was waiting for his appointment to have it looked at. My dad had turned 82 on June 8th just 5 days before he died. I never got a chance to tell him happy birthday. I called but my mom told me he was busy (typical of her) she knew that I had wanted to talk to him about some other things and it was her way of preventing me from doing so. She told me that she would tell him I called. I tried to call a few other times but either no answer or my mom answered and I got the same excuses. My mom and I didn't have the best of relationships.

When my cousin died 3 weeks before my dad died, my dad really wanted to be up here for his Sister. She was going through a lot as her husband was terminally ill and only had a short time with us. My mom convinced my dad not to come up since they had been up in April. So my dad didnt come up.

The day my dad died I had gotten a call from my sister. At first I thought she was calling to tell me my uncle had passed.

When she said that Dad was gone I didn't believe her. I completely lost it. It was as if someone kicked me in the stomach and ripped my heart out as well.

My sister, brother and I all got on the first available flights and were with my mom within 8hrs. We pulled together as a family at least for a few days. I wanted to see my dad before the cremation and my sister tried to talk me out of it. I insisted and I went. Afterwards, I completely lost it sobbing for hours i reached out for support and a hug but was flat out ignored and then told to knock it off that I am not the only one who was grieving. I went home the next day.

Last month my siblings and I were at my parents house that they still have in town and we were going through things of my dads that hadnt been moved to their other house. There were several items that I asked if I could have but was told that names were drawn for those items and my brother got them. Other things went to my sister and to other family members. Nothing was set aside for me. Not even a picture. I was really hurt.I completely lost it and had a nervous breakdown to which my brother told me in a nasty text message that I needed to put on my big girl panties and stop throwing a temper tantrum. And that I was crying wolf when I had told him that I didn't see the point of living. I wasnt in a good place. I was devastated, this wasnt about not getting anything of my dad, I was grieving for my dad. And I was being told that I obviously dont care that others were grieving too.

I have asked my siblings for pictures of my dad or even digital copies but they are unwilling. I have a feeling that my mom doesn't want any pictures to go to me either. I have given up. I cant handle it anymore.

I am so depressed and I miss my dad so much. I was a daddy's girl. Born many years after my siblings. So I kinda grew up an only child and had a strong bond with my dad. My girls also had a strong bond with their Grandpa. He would tell me that he loved all of his grandkids but my girls were extra special to him especially my youngest daughter.

I am sorry for writing such a long post. I pray that things will get easier because I still cant get through a day without crying.

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I am sorry for the loss of your dad. Losing a parent can feel really hard, after all, they were the person who knew you all your life, the one who was your role model. Esp. catching it unawares, that's really tough. I'm sorry your family isn't more supportive. Just because you are grieving does not mean you aren't aware that the others are also, that is no cause to chide you. Unfortunately, when people are grieving they can be thin skinned and only see their own situation and that may have contributed to your family's insensitive responses.

My dad passed 33 years ago and my mom just passed August 21. There are five girls and a younger brother. My mom left everything to my brother. I asked for her Bible and got no response. I asked for the family rocking chair (my son & his wife are expecting) and was denied that too. Us girls have no mementos to remember my mom by, nothing. My brother got all of her furniture, personal effects, and anything left from the estate (there wasn't much as the state used most of it for her dementia care). It is hard to understand how a parent can do this, but us girls have determined not to let it come between our relationships with my brother. It was my mom's wishes and that's how it is. It wasn't that we were estranged, it's just my mom's thinking and culture, girls didn't count, although her parents did distribute evenly in their will to their kids.

You have your memories with your dad and no one can take them away. I hope that realizing this will bring you some comfort, it has me.

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Dear One,

I am so sorry that you lost your Dad and thank you for sharing your story. Sharing helps us to heal and this is such a safe place to do it. It has to be so hard for you that you have lost three important people in your life. I can’t imagine how confused this must make you feel.

Our relatives and friends mean well and sometimes say things that are hurtful. I am sorry that this happened to you. You have every right to grieve in your own way.

Perhaps when things settle down a bit you will be able to ask for some things that belonged to your Dad ~ if not, you have your memories and no one can take those from you.

Grief takes a long time and we each follow our own hearts during this process.

I hope you can find a grief counselor who can help you through all of this ~ you are grieving and you need someone who will not judge you or make hurtful comments to you.

Never apologize for sharing your thoughts here. We are here to offer a listening ear and our moderators will offer some excellent links to websites that may be of help to you.

I encourage you to go to Marty’s website at www.griefhealing.com for some very good reading that will help you begin to sort things out as you grieve.

Visit us as often you want and know that you are among those who understand.


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  • 2 weeks later...

Its been 4 months now since my dad passed away. Monday the 13th was a depressing day. I went in to work and my boss pulled me aside to have a talk. I work in a retail pharmacy where I am a assistant manager. My boss has been telling me that he is disappointed in my lack of productivity. Meaning im not getting the tasks that are asigned to me done. I have been trying to get stuff done but many days are spent helping customers in the pharmacy. Our pharmacy is the busiest in the state and we never seem to have enough help in there. My boss took over about a month after losing my dad. I had worked with my previous boss for eight years. My old boss was very understanding and knew I was going through some really tough things. Not to mention that I have a messed up shoulder so I cant do a whole lot of lifting and such. I cant risk ruining my shoulder as I am an upper limb amputee on my other arm. I have doctors notes on my restrictions as I had injured my shoulder at work in May and was out on workers comp. I had shoulder surgery 5 years ago and things are getting bad again. My old boss made sure to assign me stuff that wasn't going to hurt my shoulder. But this new boss said that I have to do the same stuff as everyone else that is in the same position. He is not taking into consideration my doctors note wkth my restrictions let alone reasonable accommodations due to my disability. He feels that I shouldn't be in my position if I cant do everything required. I was promoted to my position shortly after my surgery 5 years ago and I was given tasks that werent going to put any strain on my shoulder.

So anyways back to my situation. My boss is now trying to encourage (force) me to step down from my position, take a pay cut, and work as a head of the cosmetics department. As he was talking to me on mondsy I completely broke down. I explained to him that not only was I dealing with grief of my dad but also finding out that he wants to demote me because I am not doing my job. He doesnt care that most of my time has been helping out in the pharmacy and then also trying to bust my ass to try to get my tasks done that are assigned to me. The other 2 people that have are in the same position are able to get their stuff done because I am willing to drop what I am doing to help in the pharmacy. The whole situation is so frustrating to me. I am deeply depressed because of the loss of my dad. And i also feel like I am worthless at work. I just want to crawl in my bed and let the world continue on without me.i am having anxiety attacks before and during work because I am afraid of losing my job. Yesterday I was in a very dark place, I was having horrible anxiety that it was making me physically ill. And I also had caught the same crud my daughter had so I was feeling awful. I called in and told one of the other assistant managers that I wouldnt be in. My boss wasnt coming in until after I was scheduled. Later on my boss called me and was pissed that I didn't call him on his cell to tell me I was sick. He made me feel bad about calling out and once again reminded me that I wasnt being dependable.

All of this really makes me want to throw in the towel and quit. I dont know how much more I can take.

Please excuse my ramblings I needed to get this out. When I talk to my husband he tells me I should step down and I feel like he is not very supportive. I do think I should maybe stepping down would reduce my stress but I think it is unfair of my boss to force me into steping down because he feels like I am not doing everything on his list each day because I am helping elsewhere. Its not like I am sitting eating bon bons in the office all day. By me stepping down, will also make the person in the position that I would be taking, to also step down and take a cut in pay. How is that fair? He wants her to step down because she cant work more than 32 hrs a week. Once again this was totally fine with the previous boss as he made accommodations for her as well. So I really don't know what to do.

Sorry for my ramblings.

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It sounds like you work at WM (I have a friend that worked there). I would encourage you to talk first to your boss about your restrictions and also appeal to him/her about what he/she wants you to do when you are constantly having to help out others. It's like they put you in an impossible situation and then penalize you for it. I would leave the grief part out of it as that is personal and they aren't required to take it into consideration. You can take leave because of losing your parent, but then you won't get paid. I would hang on to my job and fight not to be demoted as this is something you worked for. If you injured yourself at work and are still suffering from that, they should have compensated you for that, otherwise you might need an attorney...but five years ago may be too long ago. You filed an on job claim so it is a matter of record. If your boss breaches your rights, you'll need to take that up with human resource and request a meeting to come to an agreement with you, your boss, their boss. It's all not very fun. A lot of times they push until you can't take it any more and quit.

My friend quit her job eventually, after working there just shy of nine years...they pushed and pushed. She still hasn't got disability and struggles to make ends meet. She never got a new job. I wouldn't advise that in these times, but she did what she felt she had to do and just couldn't take it mentally any more. There is something to be said for peace, even if it costs us, but we also have to eat and have a roof over our heads, so it's a decision only the person working/quitting can make.

I am just so sorry you are going through this.

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Thank you for your support. I have really needed it.


I had been dealing with an injured shoulder since 1999. It is pretty common for an upper limb amputee to basically wear out their shoulder on their good arm. It wasnt an on the job injury that caused me to have surgery it was because the shoulder got worse over time and then in 2009 the dr felt it was time for surgery. I was out on medical leave for 3mths. Since my surgery my old boss made sure that the stuff I did at work wouldnt put stress on my shoulder. However,in May I was doing some stuff at work that caused some injury to my shoulder. I was out for a couple weeks on workers comp. When I came back I had reduced hours and still got partial workers comp. Then my dad died and I was out another week. Soon after all of that was when my new boss started working with me. He really hasnt taken any of my past medical issues into consideration. Other than to say that my medical conditions is a reason to step down because it is keeping me from getting my stuff done which is completely bull. Just today I worked an eight hour shift actually 7 1/2 hours with my 30 min lunch. I had a task to do and he wanted me to finish it today. About 20 mins into my shift the pharmacy needed help. There was a long line and over 100 prescriptions to fill. My boss should have been back there filling scripts but he ignored their pages. I went back there and spent at least 6 hours helping customers at the pharmacy counter. I probably got work on my stuff for less than an hour. I spend a lot of time helping customers find what they need and what not. I enjoy helping customers in fact if I could do that all day I would. I know my boss will have something to say tomorrow about the lack of productivity when it comes to the task he gave me. It is so frustrating because I am not given the opportunity to suceed.

I have been asking for one of my shifts be changed so that I could start going to counseling. My regular doctor tells me every time I see him that I really need to see someone and get help with my depression and anxiety. My boss has yet to change my schedule. My doctor has told me that I wouldnt have any problems with getting SSI disability due to my mental issues. I am really starting to consider it.

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But it IS an on job injury, regardless of the original condition, it's called aggravation and they are responsible for it. When you came back to work, the doctor should have sent a request to the employer asking if they could provide light duty and what the job would entail. They should have furnished that back to him and a copy should have gone to work comp for acceptance. Since that time, unless the doctor has released you to regular duty, the employer should be regarding your limitations and complying with the light duty status. If they are not, they are breaking the law. You can contact the work comp and human resource and perhaps an attorney to find out how best to proceed with your rights. Has your new boss seen your light duty contract? It could be he is not aware of what has transpired or ignorant of the law. Regardless, they're putting you into an impossible position, demanding more than is possible to meet.

I would also inform your doctor about what is going on at work. It seems to me that the work conditions are contributing to your depression and you may have grounds for a hostile work environment lawsuit. I hope you'll proceed with YOUR best interests in mind, whatever way you feel inclined to deal with the situation, whether it be fight it or go on disability or sue the *&!@ out of them. My last boss bullied me and treated me unfairly, placing impossible demands on me, and I have never felt so wonderful as to be completely away from him.

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