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Hi Everyone

I just wanted to introduce myself and tell my story and why I've joined the group. First of all, thanks Marty for accepting my registration and for the article you emailed me about grief and the lungs.

My dad's 83, he has little bits wrong with him but overall he is in good health for his age. The main issues is that he has slight COPD, diabetes which is very mild and he has chronic pancreatitis. Every year, if not every 6 months he gets a ERCP scan done. It has always been clear.

Two weeks ago he came down with an infection was quite confused and his GP suggested he go to hospital. They confirmed is was an infection and they decided to put a temp stent in. Years ago when first diagnosed with pancreatitis, he had a temp stent put in but only for a year or two. What we didnt know is that when they put the stent in, they took a biopsy of the pancreas and brushings from the bile duct. He was due to see the consultant in a few weeks as he had the scan done in June. What we didnt know was that they had found a 2cm lesion.

A week ago on Friday, the doctor called for a meeting. I knew this was bad and had a bad feeling that it was going to be really bad news. He advised they had got the results back the day before and the 2 inch lesion was now 3.9 and that it was malignant adenocarcinoma. Because of his age and his lung problem operating was out of the question, our hopes were dashed on the Monday when the Oncology Team advised my dad that chemo does not react to pancreatic cancer.

I had a really difficult and nightmarish week last week. I was finding it very hard to cope.I actually broke down in work during the week, my manger just grabbed me out to the toilets. I'm 40 but due to circumstances I live with my parents, I'm always around my dad and mam. I'm trying to be strong in front of them. Just thinking of my dad dying or not being here is enough to set off. I have to suck it up as it were but once I go to bed or if my parents arent around, I completely break down.

I was even feeling it physically as well. I have asthma so for most of the week my lungs felt tight, I've felt this sharp pain to my back where my lung would be, I've had all sorts of aches all over that I couldnt figure out and thought it was medication that my own doctor had started me on last week, I stopped it and I was still feeling various aches in various areas.
Things have improved and my lungs are nearly back to feeling normal. All the aches have gone as well.
I've lost interest in alot of things. I didnt even want to go to work one of the days. I cancelled going to a friend's birthday dinner. One of two people in work were laughing at something and I was so tempted to turn around to tell them it wasnt funny.
I was all over the place last week, nearly as if a fog was surrounding me. My sister went over to collect a prescription for dad from the GP. GP said he actually couldnt believe it as dad is healthy that he rang the doctor on the discharge report to make sure they hadnt mixed him up with another patient. He was convinced they had. He did say that my dad's age is an advantage that from experience the the tumour grows much slower with people in my dad's age group and even said he's even seen it in cases where it just stopped.
Its only a small window of hope but even if dad got a few extra years, it would make a difference. Dad is in great form and you wouldnt think anything was wrong with him. Today is the first day my eyes havent welled up and I feel a bit normal again.
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First of all, welcome to this group. I am so sorry to hear about your Dad’s health issues. This has to be very scary for you. From what you are saying your Dad has really been in pretty good health.

The latest diagnosis of his malignant adenocarcinoma has to be frightening for all of you. The fact that chemo will not work and surgery is not an option must leave you feeling very scared. No wonder you have developed some health problems. I am glad that you are feeling better.

It is good that your GP gave you some hope about the tumor being slow growing and what good insight that the GP questioned the doctor who completed your Dad’s discharge papers. It sounds like he knows your Dad and has his best interest at heart.

All the feelings that you are going through right now are normal. It takes our mind time to process things and you have had much to think about. Don’t be afraid to allow those tears to flow. It is good not to bottle things up. I hope you have someone that you can talk too.

Those of us here are good listeners, so come back whenever you want to share.


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I am sorry to learn of your dad's diagnosis. I totally understand why it's hitting you so hard, your dad is part of your every day life so of course it's going to hit you hard. I'm glad it's slow growing and he may even have years left.

All of us here have been through grief in some form or another, so you've found an understanding audience. The things you're describing, your physical symptoms, not finding something funny, losing interest in things, those all speak of grief and yes it's common to feel anticipatory grief when such a prognosis is made.

I hope you will continue to come here. My mom was diagnosed with dementia a few years ago, but we suspect strongly that she had it way longer than that. This group was very helpful to me as I went through the anticipatory grief, they were there every step of the way.

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Thanks Anne and Kayc :)

I'm really glad I found this group. I really didnt know what was happening to me until I read this article which lead me to this group. I had another good day today so its as if I was in a fog last week.

I'm one of the lucky ones where my father was diagnosed early and he is well at the moment, my heart goes out to those where its diagnosed late. Knowing you all are there makes a huge difference. We dont know how long he has before he starts going downhill, hopefully a few years as you said Kayc.

I also felt angry, my dad has been through major operations and near colon cancer that we just thought that when the time came, it was would be easy - maybe going in his sleep.

I did put that anger into action. I came across a Pancreatic Cancer Research Fund and have started making donations. It was interesting to read what their scientists are researching at the moment and one is early diagnosis. I also signed up so certain online shops donate a % of a sale to it. I feel as if I'm doing something useful.

That was the other thing I felt, I felt completely useless. It was so hard and upsetting to realise that there was nothing I could do. I would even give him my pancreas if he could be operated on.

KayC, my mum's best friend had alzheimers, I can only imagine how difficult it must be for yourself and your family.


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You know, I learned so much going through the dementia trip with my mother...I learned that each day is a gift. I learned to appreciate what is, not lament over what isn't. I have many treasured memories with my mom in her latter days, I would not trade them for anything...and I'm not sure I would have had them had she not had the dementia journey she was on, and I with her. I miss her, but I have many memories to carry with me.

It's kind of like when my MIL was dying of cancer...she was bedridden with it for nearly three years and I was her caregiver. It was harder than I can tell you to raise two babies while caregiving, and to keep two households running, including all of the visiting family that kept coming. I was her link to the outside world. I look back and don't know how I did it except I was still young, thank God, and you do what you have to do and you try not to think about what lies before you and just do what you need to do that day, that moment. But that was one of the most special times in my life and I wouldn't trade it for anything...just as at the same time I wouldn't wish on her or anyone else the pain and suffering she endured at that time. She was my best friend, I was so lucky to have her for a MIL, and I will always look back on that time as true treasure...just as I look back on my mom's last years the same way.

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I am not sure what group I belong in. My loss was of a HUGE financial reversal! We lost a business, our home, our life savings, moved to a house a fraction of what we had, were forced to downsize and we moved away from my family. I have gone to a physciatrict who told me I was suffering from grief. I am currently seeing a counselor but thought I would join this too! Oh, and we are 51 with two little girls starting over again!!


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Judy, If you want to start your own thread, you can have the moderator, Marty, move it to your thread along with any responses you get. This section is fine as there isn't one for monetary losses as yet, but it is a very valid loss, and one I saw a friend through once when her house burned down.

I am so sorry you have been through all of this, it is a huge adjustment! I'm glad you were able to get another home, even though greatly downsized, and having to move away from family. I'm sure it's just as hard losing your business. I haven't had my own business, but have always done office management and bookkeeping for business owners, and I have seen some of them go under...when they have, it has been like a death of family as all of the employees went their own directions and it wasn't the same again. It is a very huge adjustment. It happened eight years ago and I still miss my boss, the business I worked for, and all of the employees...the "new" place I ended up working at was not at all the same and when I left there a year ago, there was nothing to mourn. All this to say that sometimes when you work for a place, especially if you're vested as the owner, you put your all into it, and it does seem like a huge loss to lose it and watch all of the changes enact.

How are your little girls doing? I find that children seem more resilient, but I hope the lines of communication you have with them would let you know if they need any counseling. Art therapy sometimes is a real help to children in getting their feelings out and expressing themselves. Have they made new friends yet?

I'm glad you are seeing a counselor, they can be wonderful at guiding us through this uncharted territory. I hope you'll feel comfortable in continuing to come here, it really helps to get it out!

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Thank you so much for your kindness! My girls are very resilient. They do miss it because my sister lived right behind us with her two little girls that we planned on living next to each other for ever. There are so many things I have learned about grief that no one every tells you. First, you do mourn many other things that in the worlds eyes doesn't qualify as a loss, like a death does or divorce. I really wish people would realize it. Secondly, I found that the grief comes and goes. I can be great from a month, and then like a few days ago wham! Now, I feel like I am recovering. Also, when your grieving, you don't really exactly know why your crying. Something just triggers it, because in my mind, it's over, and I just want to move on and get back to my happy self. No one ever tells you that it works that way. We have moved back home to where we have lived for all of our life. Back to the familiar and back to our old friends and church. It is so much better than where we lived before and we have had more friends here and entertained in this little house than we did for 6 years in a big one! We have so many friends and family that love on the girls. It really has been everything we hoped it would be. So when I started feeling pain, I couldn't figure out why. I thought I was over it because I grieved as we were getting ready to move. I realize in my mind I was trying to convince myself I wouldn't miss my family, or the loss, but as my counselor said the mind and the heart don't work together all the time.!

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Oh Judy,

This is one thing that happens so often and that is that our minds are in one place and the heart hasn't caught up.

I am so sorry that you are experiencing monetary loss. There are so very many different kinds of loss ~ each one deserves attention.

Yes, it is true that we have moments when our grief seems unbearable and other times we think we are doing just fine ~ that is grief.

I am glad that your girls are resilient and that the move you have made seems to be working out for you.

This is a journey that takes as long as it takes. Allowing our pain is part of the healing process.

I am sorry that you have to be here but there are very caring people here and it is a good place to share our feelings knowing that no one judges.


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