Guilt

[ADH]

My husband died in April this year. It has been so incredibly difficult. I have read about guilt in some of the other posts. I am not sure why this is so profound six months later, but I feel guilty for the things I did not do, the things I said, the times I lost my patience, out of total frustration with the doctors, caregivers, the insurance companies, etc. I feel like I have been through a war. Does anyone have any advice on dealing with guilt and dealing with the trauma of everything leading up to that as well? We also lost our kitty of fourteen years. She died six days before my husband after being ill. I did not have any family or support system when he was ill. His children refused to help. I think the reality of him passing and the trauma of his illness is becoming a reality. After such a huge effort on his part and mine, he still died. His family and friends have moved on....I am stuck.

Thank you,

A

[mfh]

I am so sorry for your losses. To lose your husband and your furbaby within days is huge. It is indeed a most difficult journey...to put it mildly. Your guilt may feel worse right now because the fog has lifted and you start to see all that has happened. This is not unusual at all.

As for guilt, I am glad you are reading about it. Educating yourself is part of the way out of that guilty place we tend to dig for ourselves after a loss. Like you, I walked through years of caregiving without family (his or mine) who lived nearby and proved helpful. I believe our guilt flows from our deep desire to have been perfect during the trauma preceding your husband's death. We expect a lot of ourselves and during the traumatic times we get caught up in trying to do it all and exhaustion enters the scene and we get impatient and angry sometimes and then when this fog lifts we start to look back and see that we were not perfect and we call it failure and feel guilty without looking hard at ALL the good things we did, our exhaustion, trauma and fear.

You might write your husband a letter and tell him all these feelings and then write a second letter, a response from him...what would he say to you about those times. In addition instead of repeating your guilt messages to yourself, when they come up, try to also say good things about all you did. When we keep repeating a thought it becomes stronger and easier to access. The brain builds neuropathways to the messages you repeat. Then if you repeat the positive ones, the other pathways die out...actually the neurons to those guilt message die. Bill and I spent time at Mayo clinic working on this with a phenomenal MD there who helped both of us with this.

You are not guilty of anything. You love your husband and did your best at the time. Did you do it perfectly? No, that is impossible.

Peace to your heart. I know how difficult this is and dealt with the guilt of not being a perfect caregiver. Now after working hard on that, I see all the pieces of that puzzle far more clearly. This will take some time. BE Patient. This whole journey calls for patience.

[enna]

I am sorry for your losses,dear A. I think all of us who have been met with death question ourselves and carry guilt around. It takes awhile but it is important to tell yourself that you did the best you could do at the time. In grief we learn about coming out of a "fog" and after six months that does begin to happen. It is almost as though the pain is as raw as it was on the day of a loss.

You mention that you did not have any "support system" around you during your husband's illness ~ all too often this happens.

As a caregiver to my husband I had to deal with the fact that those who should have been close to us ~ children, relatives and others were not. Most were in denial or busy with their own lives. It was the hospice team and the nurse I paid to come in to help me that were my support. I sought out grief counseling and found this place to walk with me on my journey.

It is never too late to ask for help. Talking is one of the healing aspects of our grief. I am glad that you are here (but not for the reason) so you can have the benefit of people who understand and know how to listen. After awhile you will come to understand that looking back does not solve anything. A loving, caring person has nothing to be guilty about. That guilt is just a feeling. You remind yourself that you did the best you could.

Anne

[kayc]

I am so sorry, Audra. It's hard enough but to have two such losses so close together is really hard. My husband's cat left just a couple of months after he died, I guess he considered him his parent, not me but it seemed like one more knife in the gut.

When you see your loved one dying and you're their go between, you're the one that looked after them and dealt with the doctors, the system, etc., yes you can feel like you've been in a war zone. You did the best you could with everything and I'm sure he appreciated it.

I've learned to give myself the same understanding he would have, no one else will!

[ADH]

I am so sorry for your losses. To lose your husband and your furbaby within days is huge. It is indeed a most difficult journey...to put it mildly. Your guilt may feel worse right now because the fog has lifted and you start to see all that has happened. This is not unusual at all.

As for guilt, I am glad you are reading about it. Educating yourself is part of the way out of that guilty place we tend to dig for ourselves after a loss. Like you, I walked through years of caregiving without family (his or mine) who lived nearby and proved helpful. I believe our guilt flows from our deep desire to have been perfect during the trauma preceding your husband's death. We expect a lot of ourselves and during the traumatic times we get caught up in trying to do it all and exhaustion enters the scene and we get impatient and angry sometimes and then when this fog lifts we start to look back and see that we were not perfect and we call it failure and feel guilty without looking hard at ALL the good things we did, our exhaustion, trauma and fear.

You might write your husband a letter and tell him all these feelings and then write a second letter, a response from him...what would he say to you about those times. In addition instead of repeating your guilt messages to yourself, when they come up, try to also say good things about all you did. When we keep repeating a thought it becomes stronger and easier to access. The brain builds neuropathways to the messages you repeat. Then if you repeat the positive ones, the other pathways die out...actually the neurons to those guilt message die. Bill and I spent time at Mayo clinic working on this with a phenomenal MD there who helped both of us with this.

You are not guilty of anything. You love your husband and did your best at the time. Did you do it perfectly? No, that is impossible.

Peace to your heart. I know how difficult this is and dealt with the guilt of not being a perfect caregiver. Now after working hard on that, I see all the pieces of that puzzle far more clearly. This will take some time. BE Patient. This whole journey calls for patience.

I really appreciate your kind words. I am glad to hear that this is not unusual. My friends at 45 think they understand, but they have no idea. I am so glad there is a place like this to express our grief. I am so sorry for the losses you have suffered as well. This is a difficult journey and I know the caregiving was a hard process. I was trying to rush the grief and plow through as quickly as I could. I will definitely write a letter to Harvey. Harvey and I had four rescue kitties. Three kitties (including Mattie) and Harvey died within 16 months. I still have sweet Chester and I have to appreciate that.

I need to read more about replacing guilt thoughts with positive thoughts. I kind of understand the power of imagination and thought patterns, but not to the extent that you explained. If there is a resouce you could recommend to understand that more, I would appreciate it.

Thank you again.

[ADH]

I am so sorry, Audra. It's hard enough but to have two such losses so close together is really hard. My husband's cat left just a couple of months after he died, I guess he considered him his parent, not me but it seemed like one more knife in the gut.

When you see your loved one dying and you're their go between, you're the one that looked after them and dealt with the doctors, the system, etc., yes you can feel like you've been in a war zone. You did the best you could with everything and I'm sure he appreciated it.

I've learned to give myself the same understanding he would have, no one else will!

That is absolutely true....thank you! Harvey was so kind and appreciated everything I did. I apologized to him when he was in hospice for the times I let it get the best of me. He shrugged his shoulders, and said that it was "no big deal." I loved that man!

[ADH]

I am sorry for your losses,dear A. I think all of us who have been met with death question ourselves and carry guilt around. It takes awhile but it is important to tell yourself that you did the best you could do at the time. In grief we learn about coming out of a "fog" and after six months that does begin to happen. It is almost as though the pain is as raw as it was on the day of a loss.

You mention that you did not have any "support system" around you during your husband's illness ~ all too often this happens.

As a caregiver to my husband I had to deal with the fact that those who should have been close to us ~ children, relatives and others were not. Most were in denial or busy with their own lives. It was the hospice team and the nurse I paid to come in to help me that were my support. I sought out grief counseling and found this place to walk with me on my journey.

It is never too late to ask for help. Talking is one of the healing aspects of our grief. I am glad that you are here (but not for the reason) so you can have the benefit of people who understand and know how to listen. After awhile you will come to understand that looking back does not solve anything. A loving, caring person has nothing to be guilty about. That guilt is just a feeling. You remind yourself that you did the best you could.

Anne

It is surprising to me to learn how many widows and widowers ended up dealing with this alone. Hospice and caregivers were the only helpers for you as well...I guess I was naive to expect support or help from his family. It is starting to sound normal to not really expect that support. I am sure that also takes a toll on the person left behind.

I really like the quote above..thank you for that. I feel better with the more I learn about the grieving process. The fast paced life in Chicago has not proven to make it difficult to be still and patient with myself as well. I am having a difficult time not looking back so far. You are absolutely right, it does not help anything. I do hope that I can reach a place of acceptance with Harvey dying and building a new life. I think this is simply going to take a lot more time than I had imagined. It makes perfect sense now that the fog is lifting. Harvey was a wonderful man and a great husband and soul mate. I know we all miss our loved ones so very much in all of the stages of this grief and loss.

Thank you...A

[enna]

Hi A,

One of our moderator's, Marty, writes extensively about guilt in grief ~ there are so many articles that enlighten us on the topic. This one is good and the links at the end of her article are very good also. The more we read about these things the easier it is to manage our emotions.

A Chicago gal ~ I spent over twenty years in and around that great city.

http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2012/03/guilt-and-regret-in-grief.html

[ADH]

Hi Enna:

Thank you for the information link. I do need to try to get a handle on my emotions. I can also see how reading about these things will help...thank you so much. I have been in Chicago for 15 years. I loved it for a long time, but the pace and winters are getting to be a little much. I never thought I would say that. Harvey sure made it warm and fun for a really long time. It sure does change everything doesn't it?

-Audra

[mfh]

Dear Audra, here is a link to some basic information about neuroplasticity. http://www.whatisneuroplasticity.com/pathways.php

However I want to caution you to avoid getting too involved intellectually as that can be a distraction from the practicals. I suggest you read this and then go to the meditation string under tools and consider getting involved in mindfulness and meditation. I will post some links on that tomorrow but do go to the meditation topic. I applaud you for wanting to learn and do what you can that will help you on this path. It is a matter of balancing pain and calm. Walk into you pain but also work on the meditation. More tomorrow.

Peace, mary

[kayc]

Yes Audra, it sure does change everything. And I can see how you loved that man! I feel the same about my George.

[mfh]

Hi Audra,

Link to Meditation string: can go backwards or forward on page numbers.

Link to neuroscience webinars. http://www.nicabm.com/programs/brain-science/ This series is on Wednesdays and if you watch it live it is free. Experts on neuroscience. Just sign up.

http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2013/12/meditation-helpful-to-those-who-grieve.html Meditation and Grief -a piece I wrote and Marty posted on her blog and I posted on my website.

Amit Sood, MD at Mayo in Rochester is an author you might want to research. He was our physician there.

[ADH]

Dear Audra, here is a link to some basic information about neuroplasticity. http://www.whatisneuroplasticity.com/pathways.php

However I want to caution you to avoid getting too involved intellectually as that can be a distraction from the practicals. I suggest you read this and then go to the meditation string under tools and consider getting involved in mindfulness and meditation. I will post some links on that tomorrow but do go to the meditation topic. I applaud you for wanting to learn and do what you can that will help you on this path. It is a matter of balancing pain and calm. Walk into you pain but also work on the meditation. More tomorrow.

Peace, mary

Thank you, Mary!! I really apprecaite your time and guidance. Warm thanks, Audra

[ADH]

Yes Audra, it sure does change everything. And I can see how you loved that man! I feel the same about my George.

Absolutely! I am sure George was an amazing man. We miss them. That is for sure.

[ADH]

Hi Audra,

Link to Meditation string: can go backwards or forward on page numbers.

Link to neuroscience webinars. http://www.nicabm.com/ This series is on Wednesdays and if you watch it live it is free. Experts on neuroscience. Just sign up.

http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2013/12/meditation-helpful-to-those-who-grieve.html Meditation and Grief -a piece I wrote and Marty posted on her blog and I posted on my website.

Amit Sood, MD at Mayo in Rochester is an author you might want to research. He was our physician there.

Thank you!! This is wonderful information!!

[sharirouse]

You commented on my post earlier and you are so right when you say that grief is the most destructive emotion. It tore me up inside and right now I am finally able to move on from it but it definitely comes back around, although its only been a month since hes passed. I agree that you should write a letter to your husband because they really help! I sit in the shower and tell my dad how awful i feel and apologize to him, but I also feel that we really need to focus on forgiving ourselves and I think thats what really gave me some relief with all those suffocating thoughts.

[ADH]

You commented on my post earlier and you are so right when you say that grief is the most destructive emotion. It tore me up inside and right now I am finally able to move on from it but it definitely comes back around, although its only been a month since hes passed. I agree that you should write a letter to your husband because they really help! I sit in the shower and tell my dad how awful i feel and apologize to him, but I also feel that we really need to focus on forgiving ourselves and I think thats what really gave me some relief with all those suffocating thoughts.

I am so sorry about your Dad and I appreciate what you said about forgiving oursleves. I have said "I'm sorry....I am so so sorry" and it is not working and I agree, suffocating to not forgive myself. They are tough thoughts. I started to write a letter to Harvey and I plan to sit at his grave and read it. I was reading about the awareness stage and I realize that I am in it. I guess we bounce around through stages and it comes back around sadly.

Have you tried some of the meditation that was recommend? I tired it last night. It did seem to help. I thought there was no way I could sit and focus on anything other than pain. I do not know if meditation is recommended a month after someone passes...I think so. I beleive it was Mary (and in the older posts) where she mentions that she wished she would have done meditation during Bill's illness and death. I know it sounds like a teardrop on an inferno of pain, but it did help me when I finally tried it.

Under your interests, you added that you are willing to talk to anyone that needs you. I want you to know how valuable you are and that we need and appreciate you. We all need each other, and I was so touched and blessed to receive your advice.