Fairly New To This Thing Called Widow

[HisWife]

I was so hoping there would be new threads last night to read to relax me so that I could maybe get some sleep but it was all quiet on the site, which I guess is good for all of you. I thought I was doing ok with this grief thing but last night proved me wrong .... little sleep and stomach problems. Sometimes I just want it to be 5, 10, 20 years from losing Al instead of 11 months so that the worst of these feelings are over. I just want his arms around me telling me everything will be ok. I'm just so very sad right now.

[Elly57]

Hello HisWife I know what you mean. some new information to digest does help. I dont know why, but it does.

My situation has not changed with regards to my step children. the one has returned to New Zealand, thank goodness but not without leaving the family split. She swooped in dumped all her disappointment anger at her dad with me, set her brother in termoil and upset her 84 year old grandfather with no concern for him. Then swooped back to her life in another country.

Now what I have learned in the last 2 months that its been for me. Is I allowed her to do this. I let her and her brother get in my head without realizing theses are their issues with their dad. As a fixer I tried to help. Oh my goodness not thinking they would turn on me I have had some HUGE difficulties getting past this. I have developped a tremmor, heart pain, scared or what may come out of my mouth when I say anything.bla bla bla bla you know how it goes.

I have spoken to the company EPA counsellor, I'm not feeling her at all but will continue with that. I have spoken with friends and they are appalled at the childrens actions ( lol 27 and 32 children) but what can they do? nothing. I have had calls from people that genuinely care about what i'm going through but again what can they do? nothing. I have come here to tell my story but at the end of the day I have to take the bull by the horns and carry on. You have all given me such great advise there is no question about that but the thing I most want is for someone to help and do this for me. The only one that can do that is my husband. Oh right, that's not going to happen. Darn.

So I have to find my own road map and tools to deal with this. I called a work friend of my husband as I knew his wife had been through some hideous situations and times. She is a very spritual person. (not religious) I had one phone call with her for an hour. I had a two hour meeting with her in a coffee shop and the park. She gave me some coping practises to use and I found the common sense approch really helpful. She gave me my own 'bubble' and a 'boat' to help me cope. We did some meditation and I left feeling a lot more centred. Heavens, dont get me wrong i'm not healed but i feel way more focused on realizing their sh*t is not my issuse. even though I knew this now its so empowering.

I'm so empowered I'm going to get my husband from the funeral home today. I have squirmed with the idea of having my husband home for Christmas. Worried that I may start a shrine to him or never move on. I think I have such a common sense Jean in me that that wont happen. I do,however, beleive that having him home I think I may feel more clamer, see things celarer and just feel better. The thought of him not being home at Christmas is more worrying for me.

So I guess from my perspective, today anyway, is that don't give up when looking for support. find what works for you. its there you just have to look for it. i heard a saying yesterday, 'The teacher returns until the lesson is learnd'.

Today is a BIG day for me. Wish me luck. I know i'm going to be upset but it has to be done.

My thoughts and belssings go our to you all.

Elly

[kayc]

HisWife,

I'm sorry you aren't sleeping, me neither. I awoke after three hours sleep and that was it, couldn't go back to sleep. That's when my anxiety kicks in the worst. I didn't want to take a sleeping pill for fear it'd leave me groggy in the morning. Hopefully I can take a nap later if I'm tired enough.

I hope you see the doctor about your stomach problems, I did, and I learned a lot about what was going on with my body. I was scared to find out (didn't want to know) but that doesn't resolve anything, and now that I know what's wrong, I can work on fixing what I can. I never dreamed I had all these health issues going on!

Elly,

Don't worry about building a shrine to him, I did that for the first couple of years and it's okay! We have to get through this in whatever way feels most comfortable to us. Some people get rid of their things immediately because it's too painful to look at them, others hang on for dear life, afraid they'll somehow lose more of them than they already have. Most of us are somewhere inbetween, it hurting each time we part with something of theirs, but that very hurt seems to be part of the grief journey...we can't heal unless we allow ourselves to fully experience it, pain and all! For me, having a "shrine" (A huge collage of pictures, his ashes, a dish that he kept his pocketwatch, knife, etc. in, it brought me comfort. I looked at the pictures and how happy we were. It's proof he really existed, I didn't make him up in my mind, we were really married and loved each other more than anything! After ten years sometimes I wonder if he's a figment of my imagination (did this wonderful guy really exist?)...but I look up on the wall and see our portrait together and know.

[Elly57]

Hubby is home. I'm so happy he is here with me. I feel calmer. I have also entered a mans world. I managed to sort the stabilizer for the gas tank in my husbands car for over the winter. I shall use it from time to time but will sell it in the spring. I also have found out how to buy furnace filters. Who knew there was such a choice.

[kayc]

I'm glad you have your hubby with you. I'm hearing a not-so-good noise in my truck and wondering what it'll set me back...if George were here, sigh.