Fairly New To This Thing Called Widow

[HisWife]

Although this is my first post, I feel as though I know a lot of you already. I can't tell you the number of times I either couldn't go to sleep or woke up early and found comfort and strength in reading your posts. It's when the dark appears and the silence is deafening that I seem to feel the worst about losing my husband, Al, on February 2 of this year to a fast growing, rare form of cancer - Double Hit B Cell Lymphoma. We would have been married 32 years this past April. As most of you have or are currently experiencing, I'm on my 8th month of the first year of "firsts." This just seems like being hit twice - the grief of his death and the grief of his non-presence at things that are celebrated. I have joined a grief support group, which I look forward to weekly. Some of the people that attend are much further along in this unsolicitated journey than I and I can definitely hear the progression in their grief stages; and the one common remark I hear is that the feelings are not as raw the further one is on the journey. I find myself, however, having these raw feelings more now than when his death first occurred. I attribute this to the fact that, as a Christian, I believe that God knew I couldn't handle everything at once and is now metering my emotions back to me as I am able to handle them (although a lot of times, I think He thinks I can handle more than I think I can). As I mentioned earlier, I have been reading your stories for several months and felt comfortable now becoming a member and sharing my journey of grief with each of you. Thank you for being there. Sue

[MartyT]

Sue, my dear, let me be among the first to welcome you ~ although I understand that you've been with us for some time now. (That is not unusual, by the way. We have many members, and non-members too, who come here only to read and who never post at all ~ and that is fine with us.)

Your observation about experiencing the raw feelings of grief more intensely now are not unusual, either. While the timing varies, many, if not most, grieving people report that it is around the six-to-nine month period following a death that the initial shock wears off, the fog begins to lift, and we experience a greater awareness of all that we have lost ~ including all those "secondary losses" we've talked about here. (See, for example, Mary's blog post, The Fog Lifts Only to Reveal Secondary Losses.)

[melina]

Sue,

I'm so sorry to hear about your husband and of your loss. My husband and I were together for 30 years, married for 28, and I've been without him for 4 years now. I tend to visit this site sporadically. I check in now and then when I need a boost, when things get a little tough, and it does help. There are people here who check in daily, and I know you'll get a lot of support - especially from them.

My emotions were so raw at first that I almost felt skinned. I couldn't believe that this thing had happened, and I felt completely lost and terrified and in horrible pain.The first year was definitely the worst. The second year is so full of adjustments that it almost feels harder - but I don't think that's the case. It does get easier. For me, the pain receeded gradually, but in waves. I could be more or less ok for a while, then suddenly it would all hit me and I'd be sobbing. Then things continued more or less ok again.

Looking back, I can barely remember how this developed. But now, four years on, I think I can say I've adjusted. I still feel the loss, and I still think of him every single day, but I can manage and live my life. I work full time and have four adult children, so I have a lot to keep me occupied, but even for those who don't work or don't have kids, I think that keeping busy in other ways does help. At least it lifts us out of our bubble of grief for a short time.

I don't belong to any religion, but I do think that life continues beyond our concept of death. So I take some comfort in that. I read the NDERF site often - the Near Death Experiences Research Foundation. Somehow that helps me to cope.

It's good you've found your way here. I think it will be of help to you.

Melina

[enna]

Hello Sue. I am so sorry to hear that your Al passed away in February of this year. I have never heard of the cancer you said he died from.

You are indeed in the first year of your grief. What I have learned about the first year is that we spend the first months in a “fog” moving around as if we were a robot getting things done that have to be attended to in order to survive. You will be coming up to the holidays that will present yet other challenges for you to get through. It sounds like the grief support group you are in offers you some comfort. On this forum you will also find that we are at different places on our journey. For me it is good to see where others are and I appreciate the information they have to share. The more we know about our grief journey the better able we are in recognizing what’s going on ~ reading has been a wonderful “tool” for me.

There are many different threads on this forum that provide much good information about several different losses. Our journeys are unique yet one thing we have in common is a shared pain that comes with having lost someone dear to us.

This journey takes work and a big part of that work is becoming knowledgeable about grief and sharing our personal journeys along the way.

Since you have been reading posts here for a while you know we have two very caring moderators who provide us with a safe place to talk and who never run out of solid information for us to read.

Anne

[feralfae]

Dear Sue,

Welcome to "coming out of the closet" here, and for introducing yourself. I am so sorry that you have lost your husband Al. The first year truly can be mostly a fog. I am glad you have been reading some here and finding your way, and so very glad you are among us. There are so many valuable insights shared here, and I know my journey would have been much more painful and confusing without all the emotional support and feedback I have found among those here.

The first year can be a time of confusion and survival—just getting the things done that must be done, and allowing ourselves the time we need to grieve, cry, wail, and begin the process of being able to look at this new life we are living solo.

I, too, believe that G*d doesn't give us more than we can bear, even though, with grief and some other emotional burdens, I think that if we have help and compassion from others, as well as the opportunity to share our pain, we can lessen our own pain and help others to lessen theirs as we travel through this grief journey. It is so very different for everyone, yet we all share some common ground: trying to cope with our loss; trying to find some peace for our hearts; learning how to cope with those everyday things that were shared projects or most especially when our Beloved was the one who managed those tasks (for me, it is vehicles, firewood, repairs, and partly figuring out finances) most of the time.

I am glad you are being patient and caring for yourself. Being compassionate toward our own pain and grief from this loss is probably the biggest challenge for many of us, because we somehow feel we need to stay strong. But more, we need to recognize the depth of our loss and give ourselves the time and space to work through all the myriad levels and issues that this loss brings up.

Both Marty and Mary have wonderful, helpful, caring resources on their individual blogs/websites that you may find helpful, if you have not already found them, which you may have.

Welcome, and I hope being here among us will help to bring more peace to your heart.

Blessings and

*<fairy dust twinkles>*

feralfae

[Smudgie]

Hi Sue,

Its been 7 months for me and I can relate to what you are going through. I thought that my first months were very bad but it does not seem to get any better, it just changes perspective and now it appears that I have reached another stage where the loneliness is more overwhelming than the raw grief. Then my mother died last month and I have a terrible mix of emotions going on.

I reach my first un-anniversary at Halloween, then Christmas, then her Birthday in January.

Hope you cope better than me

Peace and hope

Simon

[ADH]

Welcome Sue. I am really sorry to hear about your loss of your husband, Al. I lost my husband six months ago yesterday. The fog starts to lift and the pain can be beyond overwhelming. I thought I had control over it until I hit this mark. I realized that I was actually doing better in the fog. I have only been on the site a short time (a week maybe) and I find it to be incredible comforting.

I am so glad that you have found a group that works for you. I did the same thing, but I found that coming here more often(daily for me) helps with the pain. The moderators do have some great resources that help in this journey. I wish I had more to offer you in words. I will certainly say a prayer for you. I am a Christian, but I have had a difficult time in that walk after this loss. I had to smile when I read what you stated about God thinking you can handle more that you actually can. I understand that.

I hope it is healing for you to return here often.

Audra

[shalady]

Hi Sue,

I am very sorry for your loss of your husband. I lost my beloved husband six weeks ago. We were married 38 years. I guess I am still in the raw stage. I cry everyday. I miss him so my bones ache. I am glad you have found this place. I hope you find as much comfort as I have found. Everyone here understands. No one judges us. They share experiences and pain. They validate what we are feeling and going thru. I wish you peace in your journey

Shalady

[Elly57]

Hello sue

I too am new to this site and being a widow, just 20 days. However, as much as any of us don't want to be here I have found it to be the only supportive place for me to be, with others that actually understand the consuming grief we are all feeling. Never fear to post anything you are feeling as others may feel the same but haven't said anything.

I'm very scared that the first year is going to be traumatic but I fear the second one to be worse. The 'firsts' have already been difficult to handle. A birthday so soon, and many difficult decisions in the first month I totally didn't expect. My husband and I tried to pre empt some things that would come to me after he passed. The second year I fear, because that's when all the running and decision making should be completed, then the reality of life needs to kick in.

I'm not religious in any way that's conventional. I've always felt things happen for a reason. I just can't fathom yet why this has happened. Why would my true love be taken from me? What have I done to deserve that? How will I ever cope? I'll never manage.

I don't know what the future holds for me now. I know it's going to be lonely, hard and scary. This, most certainly, will be the hardest challenge of my life, also true.

I try to find the odd quirky way to deal with things at times. On this journey, I want to tell you I feel like Peter Pan. Wendy has sewn on my shadow and I won't be alone again. My shadow will be my friend and guide for the next wee while. There will be days I can't see my shadow, because of the clouds or darkness. I know it'll always be with me and never leave my side. I know that's true of Tibor too. He will live on, in me forever. There have been situations I have already had to deal with where his presence has guided me. You know, those times when you think 'oh what would Tibor think or what would he do about this' moments.

I'm just glad that words can never wear out. I've used 'Thank You' so many times and now they take on new meaning. I am grateful and thankful that Tibor was in my life, I just don't understand why I'm in the position I'm now in. I'm glad Wendy was in the wings too, to sew back my shadow on.

Sue, please share your journey with us here. You will be helping others also.

I wish you a peaceful day, knowing we care.

Elly

[Elly57]

Thank you so very much Marty for your link 'the fog lifts only to reveal secondary losses' Wow! Did that ever hit home. I'm not even there yet but now I can be prepared for what I'm worried about and to know it's normal too.

I only wish I could hug my mum right now and say, I have a much clearer picture of her loss when my dad died. No one knows how this feels till you walk in our shoes.

The wound will heal but the scar will always remain.

Thank you........

[Guest jimand i]

I am so glad you posted because the responses helped me too. I lost my Jim after 30 years of marriage in April this year. Last month I started the not able to go to sleep, dreaming of Jim almost every night and crying everyday. I tell myself if this is getting better, I don't want to get better. My heart actually aches when I think of Jim and all we are missing.

I get frustrated and sad when I can't physically do those things he did. I get so lonely because we did everything and I mean everything together. I have days and sometimes a week where I never leave the house. There is no one to do things with so I just stay home with my dog.

I pray for you and all those who have recently lost a spouse, that we may find comfort, meaning and hope.

Debbie

[enna]

This is for all of you who are “new” to this grief journey. What I am hearing over and over again is how much coming to this site has helped you. I am not “new” but I can tell you from my time here that this is a caring place to be. Those who are here know grief. We understand the pain, loneliness, frustration, and sometimes despair. We share our stories both for others to hear that life changes and for ourselves to heal as we walk through our own grief.

No one stands in judgment nor will you ever hear that it’s time you “should” be over it! The most helpful advice that anyone will give is for you to learn about grief and this requires work. There is no time limit. Wishing it to be over isn’t an option. There will be waves and roller coaster rides throughout your journey. One day you will be functioning ok and the next day or hour you’ll be zapped of all energy and wonder what happened. This is normal ~ yes, normal.

One important thing I have learned is that there will never be an end to our grief. We learn how to manage it. We learn how to weave our loved ones memory into our daily lives.

We are social beings so it is good for us to have a collective place to come. None of us want to be here but since we are it is good to know that we are safe and among others who really do “get us.”

Anne

[kayc]

Sue,

Welcome to this site, I am sorry you also experienced the loss of your husband. I've heard it said that around six months is one of the harder parts of the journey, as everyone has gone back to their lives and your reality has begun to sink in. It sounds like you are at that stage. You are right, our bodies were created with amazing survival mechanisms, and it does seem the grief ekes out bit by bit so that we can handle it, even while we think we cannot. The missing them continues but we become more adept at coping with the loss and all of the changes it means.

I'm glad you've found a support group, I'm in the country so didn't have a support group when my husband died, but I think it'd be very helpful. This place was my saving grace.

I hope you'll continue to come here and express yourself. For me, when my husband died (without my say so I might add!), it felt like some of my power was stripped from me. Being able to lend voice to what I feel has helped restore some of that power. It helps to feel heard. To know that other understand and care. That we're not alone.

We'll be here. The nights and weekends seemed the worst for me...it was those times when I most felt his absence. It was those times I often came on line here.

[enna]

For those of you interested ~ this e-course will guide you to an understanding about what is going on in your life as you grieve. I took this course a little over two years ago and I still go back to it for guidance. It is written and led by Marty, our Admin/Counselor, here on this forum.

I give you the website because I don't have permission to use the image extension! "The First Year of Grief: Help for the Journey." Ways to cope with grief over the holidays and other days.

[HisWife]

Thank you, everyone, for all your kind and supportive responses. I'm in awe of some of you who are just in the infancy of your loss (6 weeks) that you are able to function let alone provide comfort to others. Thank you. As I mentioned earlier, the wave of grief really hit the hardest around the 6 month mark. It now has been 8 months and I can tell this will be a journey of sunrises and darkness. I've taken some steps that have helped me to reduce the stress level, the major one being that I've decided to give up my part-time job as a technology educator. While it's only part-time, technology changes so rapidly that I found myself constantly stressing over trying to find, learn and teach the latest advances to my students. I just can't do this any longer. So I created a calendar of my teaching days left until May and I cross them off after completion. I'm down to just 73 days. As silly or as simple as this sounds, it has brought me great comfort to think of "just so many days" left as opposed to 8 months left. I am so very blessed that Al provided well enought that I am able to make this decision. The hardest aspect of my grief right now, I think, is just feeling overwhelmed at the amount of decisions I must make. So when I was able to make this decision, the day seemed a bit brighter. I wish all of you peace this day; and if you are reading our stories, know that comfort abides here. Sue

[mfh]

My dear Sue,

As you know by now you have found yourself in the middle of a circle of caring and supportive people who know loss and grief and who will continue to reach out to you. I am so glad you have done such great things for yourself: support group, quitting your job in 73 days.

When my husband died, now 55 months ago, I had already stopped seeing clients a few months earlier so I could focus on my care for him in his final months with Alzheimer's disease. The first thing I did when I got my senses about me a little was to sell the small local arts publication he and I started but which I was keeping going as I did caregiving. Like you quitting your job, you will be freed up to focus on self care which is your top priority. Our thinking and focus and energy are all compromised at best as a result of loss and grief. You know now that the pain of losing a spouse is gut wrenching and the healing is a long road. I agree that feelings become less raw as we move along this painful path. As you know, as the fog has lifted, you tend to feel worse before you feel better as you see all you have lost. Often year two brings with it an awareness of those secondary losses as Marty mentioned and the second year can be quite painful but by that time we seem to have learned that the horrific moments pass and that we survive them so- it is a different kind of pain. We are here for you and with you and I am glad you found this wonderful circle of love and support.

[HisWife]

It's now 6:30 where I am and I've been up since 4:30. While we all know we have good days and bad, it still catches me off guard when I awake knowing it's not going to be a good one. I've come to realize that I may think I have total control over my thoughts but really my thoughts have control over me sometimes. Someone mentioned in a previous post about going through health issues w/o their loved one there for support. I'm going through that too. All kinds of tests and lab work have come back within range, "for my age" so that brought me relief for a few weeks. Now I've developed a hand tremor. Going back to the doctor this week for that. I just want Al's arms around me during these appts calming my fears. I realize that's no longer possible and it just makes me really sad. Please keep positive, calming thoughts for me this week, as I will for each of you.

[Queeniemary]

Sue,

I understand, it is so hard not to have that support that we depended on, and just took for granted for so many years. The last big health issue I had, Mike was there when I had the surgery, and with me after the TKR was over. Then he went home, 1 1/2 hours away, and I never saw him again. I learned of his sudden and totally unexpected death while I was still in the hospital. My daughter took a leave from her job and moved in with me for a month to help me. As good as she was to me, and as much as I appreciated her, I wanted Mike back. To be honest, I don't remember a lot about those days, I was in such a fog. She made me eat, do therapy, I do not know what I would have done without her.

It has now been 58 months, almost 5 years since Mike died. Sometimes it feels like yesterday. I have learned how to cope, and I have a reasonably good life. I have wonderful friends, and a very supportive family. However, very few of them understand that I still feel such a deep void in my heart, missing Mike. I find joy, and happiness in my life, but the grief is always there also. You will learn to cope and will find that life does move on.

I retired in May of 2011, which was bittersweet, as Mike and I had so many things that we wanted to do in retirement. He died at 62, he never got to retire. I will never stop missing him, or loving him, or grieving for him, but I am still alive, and will do my best to live a good life while I am here.

I know it is hard, especially in this first year for you to think of the future, but it will come, and you will find yourself coping. I also counted down the days until my retirement in 2011. I kept a calendar on my computer, and marked off every day.

I have gone on too much, just want you to know you are with people who totally understand your feelings, and your grief, and are here for you.

QMary

[kayc]

Sue, that was me...I just went in for ultrasound on every organ but my heart, a chest X-ray, blood tests, and a UA. I'm awaiting the results. My health insurance ends this year and I can't afford the Obamacare...the cheapest plans aren't much help with high deductibles and copays, and as they're age-based premiums, it's not cheap even with credits. George was so proud to be able to provide me my much needed health insurance when he was alive.

I woke up at 2 am and couldn't get back to sleep...for the second night in a row. I know it's concern about what is going to happen medically and the fact that I'll be going through it alone. I can't seem to shut my mind off even in sleep.

QMary, I agree with what you wrote, it is what I've learned also. My best friend just moved (she's getting married) so I am missing her, but I'm trying to get out more and I think that will help ultimately. I wish my kids were closer...I'm going to be a grandma in May, yet I'm not sure how much I'll get to be in his/her life. I know if George were here, he'd drive me to their house (I can't drive at night so that limits me). Aside from all of the ways his death affects and impacts my life, I just plain miss him. We learn to live without our loved one, but it's never the same, that's for sure.

[Wifflesnook]

Kay remember that we are all here for you even though we can't hold your ha d and hug you physically.

[MartyT]

Amen to that, Jan. ♥

[kayc]

I'm in a lot of pain today. I hope I can make it through church. I wish I knew what was going on.

[Wifflesnook]

Oh Kay I'm longing for you to get a diagnosis and treatment. Like all your friends here I'm keeping you in my loving heart as you do always with us. When do you next visit the doctor?

[enna]

Your being in pain, Kay, worries me. Keep us posted. Is this something you should be going to the ER for? I dislike the fact that when you are at home you are so far away from a hospital.

Those of you who are new here please know that you are not alone. Some of us have been where you are and we do care for you and will be here to support you. It really does help to talk about your journey ~ talking really does heal.

Anne

[kayc]

I am staying home from church and won't be doing their books either until I'm better. I asked the neighbor to check on me, if I need to go to ER, he'll take me. I'm not able to drive when the pain hits. It's extremely cold and icy right now (22), I don't want to be out in this anyway. I'll call the doctor tomorrow. This has been coming and going for 18 days now, it's just now it's getting more like that first night it hit, unrelenting. It's very hard to move, get up to go to the bathroom, get something to eat, load the fire, etc. I have to wait for a lull, if there is one.