Feeling Guilty

[Guppy2006]

My wonderful husband passed away 2 weeks ago from heart commplications caused by cancer. He was only diagnosed in February and passed away so quickly. My Dad also battled lung cancer but appeared to be in remission. I have to explain the situation before I write why I feel guilty. My Dad was in the Army and met my Mom in Germany. We traveled a lot in my younger years but I mostly grew up in Germany. We moved to the states when I was 14 years old. Within 4 months, my Dad fund another Girlfriend and left his family. Through the years, he made no effort to contact us and when we tried to contact him, he was not overly receptive. He eventually married and had 3 more children to his wife. This new family replaced my 2 brothers and I which left us heartbroken. During the last few years, I have ran into him and we speak but have not gotten close. I do remember him as being a great Dad while I was growing up but had a lot of resentment for his treatment of us after he left. My husband only met my dad once and when he was diagnosed, I ran into my Dad. We talked about his treatment and my husbands start of treatment. (My dad has aso had 2 quadruple bypasses). When my husband passed away, My Dad atttended the memorial and I made the comment to my Mom "Why couldn't he have died instead of my Paul?" two days later, I find out that my Dad's cancer had come back and spread to his liver and kidney. He is not expected to live long and now I feel bad about the comment I made. It just seems everythng is falling apart and I have not even adjusted to the loss of my husband yet. I feel so much resentment for those who are enjoying life while mine is falling apart

[kayc]

Your comment or wishes did not cause his cancer, it did not affect him or his health. It is common when we lose our wonderful spouse to wonder why those who seem rotten live on while those who are good die so young. There is no answer. And of course we know, deep down inside, that that is not the case, there are some ornery people that live to 100 and some good ones too. We know there's no rhyme or reason to who faces hard places and who dies way too soon.

Of course you have resentment for the way your dad treated you and your mom and brothers. How could you not? It would help if you could have talked with him about it, but he never made that possible. He never gave you an explanation. You were a child and adults shouldn't involve their children in their adult situations...unfortunately the kids get the aftermath all the same and are left floundering to make any sense of it. Whatever happened between your dad and your mom was something to do with them. Unfortunately, you and your brothers got some of the fallout. I'm sure your dad never meant to "replace" you, but he should have done a better job of being there in your life even after the breakup. My kids feel this way too because their dad left when they were teenagers. He remarried and he spends his Christmases, etc. with his newer wife and her kids, grandkids, but has nothing to do with our kids. My son put himself through college and bought a beautiful home and my ex has never bothered to go see it. It's a two hour drive. I don't know why some choose to not look back, you can't do this to kids, no matter how old they get! Maybe they can't face what they've done and the kids are a reminder? Who knows. I pray for peace to your heart as I know this is a struggle to deal with. I am sorry you are losing your dad, even though you feel you already lost him years ago. I'm sorry you've had to go through so much in your life. (((hugs)))

[Guest]

I sometimes feel like living is the punishment for some people who are just downright mean or rude. I know they must be miserable people, so living is their punishment. It's my odd way of thinking, I know.

I too am very sorry for your loss and your circumstances. Your wish of course - did not cause him to get worse. A wish from you wouldn't have made him better either. God's will overrides any of our wishes, plans and prayers. His Will will be done. His long term plans are impossible for us to fathom too. Just like a child doesn't know the reasons behind their parents' plans, moving, divorces, etc.. neither do we know God's plans nor would we understand them if we did.

I'm sorry for your husband's passing as well. I hope that his painful days were minimal. And yours too. I can't imagine losing my husband, but then after losing so many people in the last 5 years I should be able to prepare myself mentally. But I refuse. I honestly hope that I go first, when we are older, because I can only take so much loss. I am stronger than I ever imagined, as most of us find out after being here, in grief, for a while. I'm sure that you will too, because you are strong! You'll get through this tough work. And whatever you need to say or feel, just do it.

[KATPILOT]

I think Guppy that most of us have been in that place where we ask ourselves why is this happening to such a good, sweet, person when such nasty and often evil people go on living doing harm to us and others. The phrase "only the good die young" doesn't really hold water because we see good people go on to old age quite often. The truth is, that death has no conscious mind. It is just a reality of life that takes infants and young vibrant people too. My wife was 51 and it made no sense to me but I gave up wondering "why?". We certainly cannot cause death by our wishes or words. If we could then we could also prolong the lives of our wives and husbands......and that didn't happen either did it? We have enough guilt laid on us by others. This would be a good one to be rid of.

By the way, after four years bouncing off the walls trying to find answers that don't exist, I feel I have a better understanding than when I started. I do however reserve the right to hate death and cancer too. I might need a few more years to get past that one.

Stephen

[kayc]

My George was 51 too, Stephen, which seems quite young to me (and younger more the older I get!) and he was one of the best people I knew.

[Dew's Girl]

Feeling guilty is something that most of us have experienced during this journey through grief. You have been through so much and you just have to give yourself some grace if you get snippy or say something you regret. Our brains and hearts are so raw right now.

My thoughts are with you!