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New Here, Lost My Spouse & Dog Within One Month Of Each Other

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Hi, I'm new here. I lost my significant other on March 20th to metastatic cancer; and had to put my 15 year-old dog to

sleep a month later on April 25th. My "husband" (we were not legally married in the eyes of the state) was with me for 30 years.

They were both the loves of my life, human and canine, and now I look around

and I'm like "Where'd everybody go?!"

We had to wait two months to have my husband's funeral and memorial because his

daughter was pregnant and not allowed to travel (lives far away). We had him cremated even though he didn't

really want to be (he had mentioned once, in passing, that he didn't want to be cremated). His cancer diagnosis was missed

and overlooked until it was too late. He was in and out of hospitals and medical appointments for the entire year of 2014 and

no one caught his cancer, they were treating all kinds of stupid small ailments. When he started sleeping 21 hours a day and

not eating, I brought him to the doctor and they declared that he had cancer and it had spread everywhere. They kept telling us

that he could have chemo and it would extend his life up to a year. But there were all kinds of prep appointments, having a port

put in, all kinds of tests, etc. and by the time that was all done and he was scheduled for his FIRST chemo appointment, he was so

weak he couldn't even walk. We got to the first chemo appointment, only to be told to go home and start hospice because chemo

would no longer work! After he went through the surgery to have the port put in and everything -- the port was NEVER used!!!

I'm so angry. They sent him home and said he'd STILL have three months to live. He died THREE DAYS LATER. Three DAYS,

not three months! During that time, we had decided to get married. We were told he had a year to live, so we figured we'd plan

a nice private wedding in our living room and then have a party later. But he was too weak and we had to cancel the justice of the

peace a few times. We never ended up getting legally married.

Last weekend, on May 16th, we had his ashes buried, and had a huge, huge, huge memorial party. People came from all over.

He was a well-known business man and had connections and friends all over the world. Anyway, it was a beautiful party, and people kept

telling me "wow, this is like a WEDDING." As my heart broke each time someone said those words, I just wore a smile like my mom always

told me to, but I was dying over and over again, inside. I had people from both families staying at my house for the weekend. When they

left last Sunday, I cried for 7 hours without stopping. I knew this was the period at the end of the sentence. That everything would be

different from then on. That the "funeral" had finally happened, and the other shoe had finally dropped. It was hell waiting to have the

funeral for two months. I would not recommend that!

As far as my dog, he was the canine love of my life. I have two younger dogs, and three cats, thank goodness. They are my lifeline.

I don't know what I'd do without my pets. I have no human children.

I'm running the family business with my step-son and it is hard. We've both worked there forever, so it's not anything new, except now

my partner (his dad) is gone. It sucks. We aggrieved are not supposed to make major life changes in the first year (or two), and all I want to do is leave

that job and go do something else. I'm still waiting for the court to appoint me executor of the estate. It's taking FOR-EVER. And then

we still have to wait a year before we can finalize anything.... his estate is extremely complicated, and his will was very un-specific other

than a few small things, including my being named executor. I honestly don't know how I'm going to afford all of the bills, the attorneys, and

how to execute his estate while running the corporation at the same time!

Everyone keeps saying I am holding up remarkably well. I even went to a bereavement group the other night and the chaplain running

the group said that. I'm not TRYING to hold up remarkably well. It just is what it is. I sit here with tears in my eyes when I'm alone.

I cry and sob when I'm alone, or if something reminds me of either of my guys. I'm honestly not walking around smiling all the time,

but what the heck ELSE am I supposed to do? Everyone's like "oh my, you are SO STRONG!" I just want them shut the eff up stop saying that!

I'm not trying to win an award or something. Honestly, I just wish people would keep their opinions to themselves. I am not trying to impress them.

I am just BEING myself and trying to live my life that has been turned upside down and backwards. They have no idea what this is like.

No idea at all. My whole world has been shattered.

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I am so sorry for the loss of your husband. For all intent and purposes, that is what he has been to you all these years. AND I'm sorry you lost your dog as well, my dog is my beloved companion (I got him after my husband & dog died) and I know what a huge loss both are.

You are holding up only because you have no choice. If we did what we wanted to do, we'd probably stay under the covers and never come out! Our fortitude really shows up when we go through such loss only because we have to, what's the alternative? That doesn't mean you feel strong or that all is okay. You know as well as everyone here that nothing feels okay right now. I hope you don't feel you have to show strength all of the time though, that's a lot of pressure when inside you feel torn apart.

I am so sorry your husband went through so much for nothing, but it demonstrated a will to live and a will to continue to be around for you.

I would say the rule of thumb about not making major decisions the first year could maybe be extended to two years. However, if you truly HATE something, I probably would try to make a change to accommodate my inner well being, this is the time you need peace more than ever. I can't see facing each day like pulling teeth if it doesn't have to be that way. Correct me if I'm wrong, Marty, that's just my opinion, I think deep down inside you'll know what seems best for you. Do you think your feelings about your job could change in a year?

I'm sorry you didn't get to have your wedding like you'd hoped. Deep down inside, though, you know you already made that commitment to each other. I'm glad he had a good memorial service...yes, I can see how waiting two months would be terribly hard.

I didn't know how I'd pay the bills either as my husband was the other breadwinner and just as I had to face the most bills I'd ever seen in my life (hospital, doctor, ambulance), my income was cut in half! I can assure you, though, I've had a roof over my head, food in my stomach, and my electricity's never been shut off, and it's been ten years next month since my husband died. Somehow, you'll figure it out, little by little, it doesn't all need done today, you'll get through it.

I hope as you read these threads here that it brings you comfort knowing there are others going on this same journey with you and encouragement as you face your day. This place has been a lifesaver to me and so many others.

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I agree with everything Kay has said to you, my dear, and I certainly do echo the condolences she extended to you. I am so very sorry for your loss, especially under the circumstances you've described. Your story is a tragic one, and my heart just hurts for you. I join with all our members in welcoming you to this warm and caring place, where you'll never feel as if you must act "strong" ~ or any other way, for that matter. You are safe here, where no one will judge you, and you can be exactly who, what and where you are, and you'll never have to hide it or explain it to anyone.

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I, too, am so sorry for your loss. I can only echo what Kay and Marty have said to you. I care that you are hurting so deeply.

I know what it feels like to be told how strong you are when inside you feel shaky and anything but strong. Sometimes being told that I am strong feels like a compliment, but I had rather just be understood.

I believe you will find this a warm and welcoming place, and one where you can just be yourself. We all understand pain and tears here. We do our best to hold each other up as we hold onto each other. You are welcome and safe here.

May God give you comfort and peace in your heart.



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  • 2 weeks later...

Hello MagWalsh, I am new here as well (my husband died 5/1) and I've found all these people to be so supportive. I don't have any words of wisdom to offer you other than to tell you that your story tugs at my heart. I cannot imagine the pain that both you and your beloved had to endure and the loss of your dreams ... I'm so sorry for your loss.

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