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Yesterday was 2yrs since Leo died. Last night was also 20 weeks since my Mary died.

My family... Parents, I'm laws, siblings... Have been very cruel. Judging Mary. She's gone! Judging my grief. Or lack thereof. My anger... Very much displaced. Spoiling my grandsons. "Coddling" them. They are my grandsons, they lost their Grammy. This is my life. MARY WAS MY LIFE. Our grandsons were our life. Our son is my life. Apparently I'm doing everything wrong.

Do you ever just not want to exist anymore? Not that that's ever an option... Just that feeling. Is anger depression or is depression anger? Angry and broken.

My son bless his heart decided to reveal that the twins are identical. And they are further along... 11weeks... Than they thought. So maybe a couple of Thanksgiving babies. Will know the genders in a a month or so. End of June. I'm praying for girls. But as long as everyone is healthy.

It's 10:20 am now. I'm not slept Ina couple days. I'm going go try to nap.


My boys... Getting bigger. Brotherly love always.


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I'm glad you were able to get your picture up, Butch. I like it. It speaks of hope to me.

The boys are getting big. I wait with you for the identical twins coming soon. Thanksgiving will be here before we know it.

I am so very sorry that those around you seem to be insensitive to your grief. There is no right or wrong to do your grief work. We know that we grieve in our own way. Please try not to focus too much on the negatives you are receiving ~ most times it is just that people don't think. You know the bond you have with your Mary and no one can take that away from you. You were right there by Mary's side as she loved all those around her. You know the love she had for everyone because you were right there.

Remember, your feelings are all fine. It is only if we react in a negative way that we run into trouble. You have a right to 'feel' any way you want. After all, the love of your life is gone. Your love of your son and grandchildren show the love you have in your heart. That can't be wrong. There is no wrong in grief.

I think so many of us have felt broken and in despair after a significant loss. It is easy to say, but it's important to be where you are and acknowledge our brokenness. We have lost what was the most important part of who we were. We are different now. We need to find what our purpose in this life is now.


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So sorry Butch, it is most painful to be kicked when we are already down. How others behave is not about you and not about Mary. It is about how badly they treat themselves. Do all you can to avoid those kinds no matter who they are and stay with those that only want to support, care, and uplift you during this time. You deserve loving patience, compassion, and kindness.

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I'm sorry you're going through so much with the very people who should be giving you support. And it's not necessarily that they don't want to be supportive but perhaps they're ill equipped to. Sometimes people try to "fix" things for us that aren't their place to fix or they don't know everything about it and they don't realize they've further burdened us by their vain attempts. As Anne said, there's no right or wrong way to do our grief, just our way. I'm so glad you have your son, DIL, & grands, they are your true joy right now. I'm glad you have twin grands to look forward to! You may not have seen my thread where I tell about my granddaughter being born May 26 (it's in New Beginnings). Sometimes I wish we didn't live so far apart, dropping in isn't possible.

I'm sorry you're being hit with anniversary dates too of Leo's death and Mary's, I'm glad I don't think in terms of weeks or months now, the yearly ones are hard enough to deal with.

Sometimes when people aren't coming across the way we need, we need to dole out spending time with them in fewer and far between doses and shorter periods of time. And learn to not expect much from them so we aren't constantly disappointed. I know this is hard to do. I was disappointed when we didn't hear from my daughter until the day after the baby was born. I should stop expecting anything from her but I know sometimes we do expect our families to come through and they don't.

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Butch fell and injured himself and will likely need a knee replacement so will be out of commission for a while. He's unable to access the forum as the internet keeps going out. Keep him in your prayers!

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