Nine Months Ago Seems Like Yesterday

[WaltC]

After a week of warm spring-like weather it's sunny but cold here today.

It was a sunny but chilly day nine months ago when my dearest wife Jeannie was laid to rest. She passed away in April, two days after her 59th birthday. She had been diagnosed with cancer in early January, given 2-3 weeks to live, and survived for 99 days in palliative care.

Jean had lived with MS for over 20 years, with her last two almost completely disabled. But she never lost her cheerful smile, even though she must have been suffering inside.

I only wish that I could still be her caregiver, or still visit her every day. I know that is selfish of me, because now her suffering has ended, while mine goes on.

I hope that I am not boring you with regular excerpts from Martha Hickman’s Healing After Loss, but once again today’s message hits home to me.

Martha writes that “to tell our story is a way of affirming the life of the one that we have lost… to tell the story is also a way of moving our grief along, and so contributes to our own healing.”

By telling our story perhaps we can help others know that they are not alone in their grief. As Martha says “ Perhaps we can ease the way for them. See - it’s all right to cry…it’s all right to be confused and not know what to do.”

Any maybe - it’s all right to think that nine months ago was just yesterday?

Thanks for being here and thanks for your support. It is truly appreciated.

[ustwo]

Oh WaltC, it does feel like yesterday..not months ago. I realized today that last year at this time Gene and I had hope still. We had won the critical battle once months before. I feared I would loose Gene in October, 2004. And then a miracle turn around. In Feb, 2005 the battle began again. I can still see the look in Gene's eyes when he told me the symptoms that day. Days and days of watching his agony. Dadys and days of doctor's appts, hospital stays, tests, ER visits, and on and on. I kept bags packed always and in the car. And then Gene's body could not fight any longer. June 11...does still feel like yesterday.

I could be selfish and wish....but I would not bring back the suffering for Gene. Today for the first time in a long time a friend asked me about Gene...said his name and let me talk...someone who did not get to know him. I can't explain the feeling of comfort...being able to talk about the wonderful loving man I shared 28 years with...the soul that waits for me.

Gene and Jean do not have to deal with time. It is a burden all of us left behind have to bear but only for a while.

WaltC, thank you for sharing your wonderful Jean with all of us. I hope all the loving memories of Jean sweeten your dreams every night. The love is FOREVER!

Always Gene!

Always!

[Suze]

My heart goes out to both of you in your loss. I am new to the group. I needed to have some folks to share my thoughts with. I Lost my Bud (or Lionel) very suddenly one evening. I was fortunate that I didn't have to watch him suffer for a long period of time. However, I never got the chance to say goddbye as I was screaming for him to hang on and not to leave me. We did have 29 wonderful years. He was my very best friend ever. Now I long for that special closeness we shared. He was a wonderful, gentle caring man. Now I am trying to deal with all the day to day stuff he handled and I am not very good at some of it. His goal was to keep our daughter in good spirits and up to pass the BAR. Well, he died a week before she found out she passed. So, now I am trying to keep her spirits up as she tries to find a job. It is vey hard to be upbeat at this time. Bud would have known exactly how to encourage her.

I wish you both the best. Both Jean and Gene sound like wonderful people.

Suze

[WaltC]

Suze

First, let me say that I am sorry for your loss of Bud. I hope that you find that this group is as helpful to you as it has been to me. It is not as busy as some of the other Grief Forums, but the people here seem to have a lot in common and understand how others feel.

Congratulations to your daughter for passing the BAR - that's no small achievement.

The Footprints poem was one of Jeannie's favorites and was read at her funeral by her favorite niece. Here's a short flash movie to watch:

FOOTPRINTS

Thanks for your kind words and please feel welcome to continue to share your thoughts and concerns with us. Remember that although when Bud died a part of you died too, but also because you live on a part of him lives on too.

[Suze]

WaltC,

Thank you for your very kind words of encouragement. I had not seen the Footprints clip. Thank you so very much for sharing it. We too, had it on the program at Bud's services. We also had a powerpoint movie of his life that was based on "his footprints" It was very upbeat as he would have wanted. We showed him laughing and having fun. We tried to truly celebrate his life. When we had the headstone made we had footprints on the side and the short quote from the poem on the bottom.

Over the years we had collectets several hangings, and other items with this poem on it. Bud really loved it.I even have one in my office at the middle school I work at.

This Friday will be 3 months, and it seems like years. Thanks for your support.

Suze

[ustwo]

Suze, I am so sorry for your loss. At three months I think I was just coming out of the shock and making my way to acceptance. Bud is with you...always will be. Making our way through this journey is so hard without the touch of our loved ones. As the waves hit and the roller coaster goes up and down with our emotions, you are not alone. There is so much support here. When you feel like you are falling there will always be someone here to lift you up. Write about Bud. Write to Bud. Our hearts are all broken and empty but we survive one day at a time...but not alone. It's been 7 1/2 months for me, living without Gene's arms around me but he is with me always....walking with me. And I take Gene and his love wherever I am.

Strength and peace to you Suze.

Always Gene!

Always!

[kayc]

Re: quote by Ustwo

I realized today that last year at this time Gene and I had hope still.

Every time I hear about something from "before", like our 2005 Valentine Banquet, or the April retreat I went on, I think, "That was 'before'"...before I knew my world would come crashing apart, before my world as I knew it would end...before, when I was happy, before, when I had my beloved, before when I looked forward to the weekends, before when I could still enjoy cuddling up in his arms, before, when I was happy. It's not that there is no enjoyment now, but it certainly isn't the same, now I make more effort to find or see it, and it is never the same. I think about him, his smile, the way he looked at me, his personality, the smell of his skin next to me, and I can never be the same. Before. What a word, before.

[kayc]

Suze, I want to add a hearty amen to Walt's comment

although when Bud died a part of you died too, but also because you live on a part of him lives on too.

...that lends comfort to us, knowing they continue to live on in us and will never be forgotten. It has been seven months ago tomorrow since my husband passed away...it feels like years to me also. It seems so long ago since I was so blissfully happy, I miss him more than life itself. It is so hard to long for someone and not be able to touch them. I still talk to him, I think I always will, who knows, maybe he can hear me or even read my thoughts...he was pretty good at that when he was here. All of us have wondered how we would survive without our spouse/loved one, and none of us knew any answers to that...but with time we can look back and see what has helped us...this forum, people who understand and care, and living in the moment, trying not to focus too much on the long span in front of us...and the hope of seeing our beloved again. Finding purpose has helped...even if only the purpose of helping someone else survive their loss...something, anything that lends meaning to this.

[ustwo]

KayC...you are so right about living in the moment. It's a big part of my survival. I don't look or even think about tomorrow. I just get up and do "today". It hurts too much to think about tomorrow so I quit. I still have trouble just finishing anything I start to do on any given day. I just don't see the point anymore. I used to be an organized person but I'm not that same person anymore....I never will be. My purpose, my happiness, ME...it all went away with Gene. Each day is just a picture frame filled with memories....such loving memories of the wonder of Gene's love. Tomorrow I'll take those memories with me..take the love with me...take Gene with me.

We all carry incredible love with us each moment.

Always Gene!

Always!

[Guest jmr]

First I want to say that I am so sorry for each of your loses. No one can understand what we go through except those who go on to survive. Only we can understand the constant ache and emptiness. My wonderful, charming, boyish husband of 28 years will be gone one year in a couple weeks. I can still remember camping out in the intensive care unit every day for 4 weeks. The days and hours of up and down emotions - he's getting better - he's getting worse. I still miss him with every breath I take. But very often I re-read the note that he left for me saying that he loves me more than anything and we will be together always in this world and the next - and it helps me. Don't ever loose sight that your love will go on. Something that wonderful can not be lost. I often think of what God will ask me was my greatest accomplishment in life, and my answer will be that I loved with all my heart.

[charlieslove]

JMR - I, too, am very sorry for your loss!! I just got past 14 months, myself and as you said I miss my beloved husband every day, every minute and with every breath. For some reason last night I was really sobby - it's strange how you can go for days without crying and then something triggers and I spend the whole evening crying.

I hope you will continue to post here. Everyone here is so great and understanding!!

My thoughts are with you.

Patti

(Charlie 6/10/58-11/16/04)