I just lost my husband at age 30, having an impossible time seeing anyone else my age being happy in their lives. Is this normal?

[jillianne]

I recently lost my husband of a year unexpectedly at age 30. Im 32 and now having an impossible time hearing anyones good news about their weddings, or getting pregnant. As soon as anyone has good news about their own life I feel myself hoping something bad will happen and take it from then. I never used to feel this way before,I was happy for others to be happy, but now I am angry and feel like I wont ever get the best friend/baby/family/house life I always dreamed of and finally found, that I now watch them having. Then comes the dying alone panic attacks and feeling worse for not being able to be happy for anyone. Is this normal?

 

Edited September 15, 2015 by jillianne
typo

[scba]

Dear Jillianne, I'm sorry for the loss of your husband. I'm 36 years old and I lost my partner a year ago. I can totally relate with what you are expressing, and I think it is normal. At the early days you are hurting so much and the world hurts you too, even with good news from other people. Don't think there is something wrong or sick with you, it is your heart that has been broken and can't stand little at the moment. Your world and dreams are shattered and the world goes on...it is painful. Be kind to yourself and with time you will learn to deal with other people's news. I've been through pain, indifference, and sometimes genuine happiness for them. It will take time and effort. After a year to me it still takes effort. One day at a time, and mostly, be kind to yourself.

 

[jillianne]

scba, Thank you! It is reassuring to hear I am not alone in having these feelings. Two months ago I was getting mad at him for spilling red wine on the sofa and calling me to much at work to tell me jokes. Now I would give anything for those concerns. I feel like no one really knows how to talk to me and are walking on egg shells which is even more isolating. We had been sitting on the sofa on a saturday night here in Austin watching tv when he went into cardiac arrest. It was like since then my future just froze and I've had a hard time watching everyone elses around me keep moving forward while I feel derailed and want them to be derailed too. 

[Harleyquinn]

Jillianne- I'm so sorry for your loss. My situation is a little different. I am 33 years old and lost my ex husband. However, although he is my ex husband and I am remarried he really was the love of my life- and the loss is unbearable ....I am having a hard time visualizing any kind of happy future- even with my current husband (kids etc)...

[enna]

 

To you dear Jullianne and for others who are so young,

I am so very sorry for your loss. Becoming a young widow is so devastating.  Of course, things do not make sense as they used to. You have been thrown into very unfamiliar surroundings. Most anything you are going to experience will be normal.

This has to be very hard for as you have said most people you hang out with are young, starting a family and doing all those things you planned on doing. Anger is normal. Feeling as though you no longer belong is normal. Resentment is normal.

It is understandable that the people around you may not know how to approach you for they are also young. This is so with the elderly also for when a spouse dies most people don’t know what to say or do now that you are no longer a couple. The older spouses are left out of things they used to be a part of and that feeling of being alone is present.

You may feel alone, but you are not alone. There are “tools” for you to help you move through your grief in a healthy way. Tools are materials that direct you to good, solid articles and links to read about how to cope.

Seeing a good grief counselor would be top on my list for they will know how to direct you to so many ways to deal with your tragedy and they are able to assure you that what you are feeling is all normal.

Talk about your loss for this will help you begin to see it more clearly. You have found a perfect online site here on this forum that has very caring people and who will know what to say to you for many of them are also grieving a loss and will never tire of hearing your story.

One of the most important things during this time is to take good care of YOU. We forget this because our emotions don’t allow us to think of ourselves at this time. When we care for ourselves physically, emotionally, and spiritually we are beginning the healing process. Rest when you need to, eat healthy, get exercise even if you don’t feel like it, etc…

Remember, there is no time limit on our grieving. It is your grief and only you will know what to do with it. Others will want you to “be over it” ~ only listen to your heart.

Others on this site will have so much more to add to what I have said.

I am sending you a virtual hug:

[kayc]

Oh yeah, this is normal!  I am so sorry you lost your husband, especially so young.  This is a good site to come to where you can pour out your feelings and be heard and understood.  There are other young widows too.  I hope you'll take some time to do some reading through the threads and also to see the helps Marty has posted on this site.