ramble of feeling/thoughts

[R.Everit55]

In life there is death.  Those left behind to grieve sometimes can't find a way to go on yet they do.  There are times... Many of them in one night or day... That simply breathing is not simple anymore.  The heart literally feels like the cardiac organ is in pieces when really it's our SOUL that breaks.  And how do we celebrate happy times again?  It's nearly impossible without guilt.  Time passes so slow yet you breathe your next breath and it seems weeks have passed us by.  New life comes into the world.  Miracles.  Yet our person our soulmate our love is missing out.  Birthdays come and go... The first birthday of your love seems unbearable.  Daily weekly monthly "angelversaries" of their last breath tears at your mind body and soul.  

I still ache nightly at 11:15pm remembering and feeling my bride's heart stop as I held her so close.    Thursday she would be 52 yrs old.  The 9th will be 9mos since she became an angel.  Our grandsons miss their Grammy and at ten and seven understand yet ask questions everyday.  I haven't the answers.  I have my own questions.  There are nights like tonight and a lot the last few weeks that I desperately want to join my love in Heaven.  Yet I know my promise of all promises to her minutes before she passed to fight and protect our son DIL and grandsons.  And take care of me too.  Taking care of me is the hardest.  

In life there is death.  In death there is peace.  In the love that joined us together there are promises... Spoken and unspoken... That will forever be the meaning of life until it's our time to be with our loves.  

Am I right...  

 

End of rambling.  

I enclosed a photo of my Mary from a little over four years ago.  She was happy.  Fighting health issues but happy mobile and enjoying being a Grammy.  

 

Peace,

Butch

Edited September 30, 2015 by R.Everit55

[KarenK]

Butch,

It is indeed difficult to find much other meaning in life without our soulmates nearby, but I also think that somehow we must manage to find an additional meaning in order to go on alone. I am still searching for it.

There was really no time for me to make any promises to Ron. One day, I was searching for rehab centers for him to transfer to and the next day he was on life support. Before those final few weeks, he would ask me whatever would I do when he was gone. I told him I would be alright, and I am. Not great, but alright. I make it through one day at a time.

This week I am filled with more sadness than usual, not for any particular reason. I have been trying to find a church where I would fit in. Not being particularly religious, it is a challenge, but my daughter was and I suppose I am searching for whatever it was that she found. At this point, church makes me sad. On Sunday, I left in tears and sunglasses. Church makes me think of her. So many things, and then I remember the extra pain I felt the night she left. I went upstairs to dress and when I came back down, the funeral home had come & gone. It was as if I never got the chance to say goodbye and hold her one last time. There are no promises to be made to your child. You are the Mom and should be grown up enough to take care of yourself. I'm not sure I am.

I want to believe both Ron and Debbie are together in a better place.

Peace to you, also

Karen

[Kpl48]

Karen and Butch

Your shares inspire me to have hope that by sharing my grief on this group, I will be able to express how I'm really feeling without reservations. I'm sorry for your losses. I know how you feel. Just making it through each day is a major feat! 

Love Kristine (Kpl48)

[kayc]

Butch,

You express how you feel so eloquently!  And is that a dragonfly tat I see on Mary's arm?  I love dragonflies!  So does fae.   No wonder we felt such an affinity with her, besides she is a lovely person.  I say "is" because I know she still exists and is still lovely.  So often we use past tense in relation to our spouses, because for us, all that we shared changed the day they died.

Karen,

Church was hard for me at first too, because George & I went together.  I'm on the worship team, on the platform, and I used to see George beaming at me from his back row seat.  At first it was hard to see that seat empty...then even worse when other people started sitting there.  I wanted to scream, "That is George's seat!"  I started sitting across the church in the front to avoid that area.  I'm still there.

You may be the mom, but as such, your grief is deep.  There are no "shoulds" regarding grieving and loss.  You want to believe Ron and Debbie are together in a better place, then do.  Believe it through faith.  ♥

Kristine,

I hope you will be able to express yourself without reservation here too.  I think it really helps us to let it out and also to know we're heard and understood, it helps us feel validated and restores some of our power to us that we felt robbed of when they died without our having a say so.

[debi.williams]

I think this will resonate with us all.

 

[R.Everit55]

Karen, it's okay to go to church and feel whatever you feel.  I go some weekday mornings and don't even participate in the prayers or songs sometimes but just sit in back reflecting because it's where I feel close to my Mary and our baby girls we lost and to the granddaughters that went to Heaven in August.  Sometimes I leave with a heavier heart than I before and sometimes I feel less burdened.  I'm certain your Ron and Debbie are indeed together.  Like our baby girls and grand baby girls are with Mary.  Big hugs to you...

 

Kristine, bless you.  I hope you will share as much or as little as you are able.  

 

Kay, yes that's a dragonfly tattoo on her arm with our sons name up top and our grandsons names one on each wing.  The boys miss their Grammy and seeing that tattoo.  

 

Debi, perfect quote and so very true...