Witheverypieceofme Posted October 3, 2015 Report Share Posted October 3, 2015 Just over 6 weeks ago I lost my better half. His name was Lucien, and was the love of my life for 10 years. We were on vacation and started our day like normal, a good morning kiss, drink some coffee, and continued what I thought would be a start to an amazing day. He was killed unexpectedly in an accident riding our dirtbikes in the dunes, and my life immediately turned upside-down, inside-out and destructed more than I ever thought it could. He would be turning 28 in 4 days, 10/6. You never imagine anything like this until the day it happens, still in shock. You then go home and start ripping up every part of your house looking for evidence of him, whether it be a birthday card, a letter, a sticky note with the grocery list in his handwriting, old printed photos...anything. While you're still in the shock of him being gone you are comforting yourself by manically searching for any item that you will cherish forever. I thought at first I couldn't live in this home, being it was ours..But the more I thought about it I realized that WE made this our home with the walls covered in beautiful art and photos, amazing memories, family dinners and most of all where we were always comfortable. I could name any other place in the world where I could live and still think of him the same, so I am staying. But that doesn't mean that every day since you've been gone I have had a "good" day...every day sucks and I can't imagine going through this pain so vivid and constant.Loss is something that we know and expect to be the one of the most difficult pains to deal with, yet once it happens to you it's like you start all over and it's even worse than you ever thought it would get. Every day feels like day one without him again, and every emotion replays over and over again until you ask yourself "can I even produce this many tears?" Why yes, you most definitely can, and they will come out of the blue right when you think you're okay to finally go to the grocery store, walk to your mailbox or go out to lunch with a friend. Suddenly you pass by his favorite cereal in the store, your mailbox has a "sign up for our credit card" junk with his name on it, and your friend at lunch orders what was HIS favorite meal....and it starts all over again. Stopping at nothing until I find every single picture of us makes me re live all the beautiful memories ^^ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
debi.williams Posted October 3, 2015 Report Share Posted October 3, 2015 I am so so sorry for the loss of the love of your life Lucien. Although I wish you didn't have to be on this forum for obvious reasons you have come to the right place as we all understand your pain and grief very well. I lost my beloved husband 9 weeks ago to a sudden brain haemorrhage at the age of 49 Years and roller coaster of shock and grief goes on and on.Lucien was so young and my heart goes out to you. The manner of his passing, on vacation and accidentally without warning must be catastrophic for you. Like you, the day for us began very normally and nobody could ever imagine the heartbreak and horror at the end of this 'nomal' You will be in shock and probably for a long time to come. The panic that you felt trying to find memories of him, evidence of your love I can perfectly understand. Although living with so many memories and daily reminders of your loss is so so hard, I have found our home my safe haven. My husband's shoes are still on the stairs. Some of his favorite foods still in the kitchen and our photos everywhere. Your words are so true when you say that 'Every day feels like one without him again' and as you say, there are 'triggers' everywhere, such as when you go to the grocery store. These are the darkest of days and all we can do is take it minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day.I pray that you have some strong and supportive friends and family members around you. Nothing will ever fill the void left by your beloved Lucien but love from others certainly gives us some strength. It is so recent and so very raw for you right now. I am only 3 weeks on from you so I am not in a position to say it gets easier others on this forum may be able to say that as more time has passed for them. One thing I do know, is that this forum has helped me so much. I am able to read other people's stories and write about my own which has given me much needed comfort during the blackest of times. Those long dark nights of the soul when you feel like you are drowning in grief. I wish you strength, love and courage. you are not alone. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted October 3, 2015 Report Share Posted October 3, 2015 I am so sorry for your loss. I am unable to view the picture you posted, apparently you need a password? It must have been very traumatic, his being so young, your being on vacation and away from home, the total unexpectedness of his death. I hope you will continue to come here and post your feelings and what you're going through, I've found it to be very helpful. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Witheverypieceofme Posted October 3, 2015 Author Report Share Posted October 3, 2015 Debi, his shoes are still on the stairs as well , I don't want to move them. I can't ever imagine taking these photos of us down, even when I eventually find love again. It pains me to think that these photos are strictly memories and there's no more adventure left for him and I. Kayc, I did not post the photo privately but I re inserted it , maybe it can be seen now. It was an 8 hour drive home and family who lived halfway immediately came and got me. I left everything behind for my friends to take home for me , thankful that they were there. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dew's Girl Posted October 3, 2015 Report Share Posted October 3, 2015 I am so sorry for your loss. I've been finding that our language just doesn't have the words to adequately describe the devastation of such a loss. I also have found that we don't have to struggle as hard here, because really only those who have lived through this understand the true depths of your loss. I hope you can find some moments of peace between the bottomless grief among your wonderful memories and the home you built together. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted October 3, 2015 Report Share Posted October 3, 2015 Witheverypieceofme,Yes, I can view it now, beautiful pictures of the two of you! I am glad you had friends there for you, how terribly hard! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
debi.williams Posted October 4, 2015 Report Share Posted October 4, 2015 The most wonderful pictures of you with Lucien. You are such a beautiful couple. You don't ever have to take the photos down they are a part of you and a part of your being and life on this earth. Any new love - and I pray that when the time is right for you someday in the future you will find it again as you are so young - will understand if he is the right one for you. I spoke with our son about moving his dad's shoes asking him if it upsets him to see them there. He told me he would find it more upsetting if they were moved, so the shoes stay. I know Lucien's birthday is in 2 days, and I hope you will have friends and family with you as it is so important you are not alone. Please visit here when you feel able, as KayC said, and use this forum to give vent to your feelings. I will pray for you to find the strength to cope with Lucien's Birthday. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kpl48 Posted October 5, 2015 Report Share Posted October 5, 2015 I'm so sorry for your loss. Please come back here and share your grief. Doing that is helping me so much. Kristine Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
debi.williams Posted October 6, 2015 Report Share Posted October 6, 2015 Witheverypieceof me - So thinking about you today, Lucien's Birthday. Sending you prayers for courage and strength x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted October 6, 2015 Report Share Posted October 6, 2015 So hard and so very, very young. Sending positive thoughts your way. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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