My Babers

[stik40]

I am stunned,I found this site,a place where i can express my feelings without that "look" you know that "look" the one that says we're sorry but could we move on.I lost my life on Nov.16th just past,I still cant understand what has happened.. I walk around everyday trying to come to terms with her passing,I can't... I just can't.she was everything to me.we only had such a very short time together (4 years),but as god or whoever is my witness we had "the" relationship of our lifetime..as i put these words here i'm on the phone with the funeral director setting a date to place my babers in her final resting place.12 days... that is how long it took for life to change forever,she had ankle surgury on oct.13th,I carried her to the car with such care as she was so very thin (we both are). i cooked and cleaned ( well cleaned as best i could)I was her personal caregiver and we laughed and she teased me from her throne in the living room,If we knew what was to come I think we would have never left each others side over the next month. but as life is, one had to go to work to pay the bills... on oct 31st she had her first very small right arm cramp.. like a charlie horse.that was a monday night @ 6.22 pm to be exact, it;s funny how time moves so very slowly now, how i can see,feel and smell everything during that time.she had another small right arm twitch (thats all it was) i started to get alittle concerned but not to much as i had found out she was sneakin around on crutch's while i was at work, so i thought it was just a pinched nerve .. how very wrong i was...on the 2nd of novemeber while i was making dinner she had a massive siezure in the living room, i rushed her to the hospital and was informed an hour later they had found 2 tumors in her brain.the next morning we both knew that our time together was so very short, the cancer doctor informed us that she had 8-10 weeks without radiation. up to 14 weeks with... we dicided to go for it. to be together as long as we could... i took her home on the following saturday morning,we got married 2 days later... she passed away on the 16th. married for 5 days... i miss her so much, i cant think. i cant eat. and as anyone who has gone thru this ... alone .so very much alone, i thank you from the bottom of my soul. thanks for listening,I feel like i found peace if not for alittle while. allen

Edited January 31, 2006 by stik40

[Bebekat]

Just wanted to let you know that you're not alone. I'm so sorry for your loss. It sounds as if you had a wonderful relationship. I'm glad you found this site, there are so many wonderful people here to talk to. We all belong to the club that no one wanted to join. Anytime you want to write, we are here to listen. We don't always reply, but just writing things down or reading posts seems to help me.

You willl always love your Babers, it's just different now. It's been eight months since I lost my husband, yet it seems like just yesterday. Just wanted to let you know....

[WaltC]

"...I found this site,a place where i can express my feelings without that "look" you know that "look" the one that says we're sorry but could we move on.I lost my life on Nov.16th ... she passed away on the 16th. married for 5 days... i miss her so much, i cant think. i cant eat. and as anyone who has gone thru this ... alone .so very much alone, i thank you from the bottom of my soul thanks for listening.I feel like i found peace if not for alittle while. allen"

Hello Allen - from the East Coast of Canada to the West Coast

I am so sorry to read of your recent loss. I am also glad that you have found this wonderful site. It certainly has been a great help to me for the past months since my wife died last April.

Yes, I am familiar with that "look" that you describe. Be assured that no one here will ask you to "move on", because we know where you are coming from - we have been there ourselves.

Feel free to share your thoughts here! There are many good resources to help.

One site that I found to be particularly helpful is Here.

The book Healing A Spouse's Grieving Heart has been very helpful to me. Perhaps your funeral director or local hospice may have a copy that you could borrow. It was well worth the $12 that I paid for it as I have hilited all the good ideas and re-read it often.

Please come back as often as you want -we will be here for you.

[Guest Guest_Deborah_*]

I also am a new "member" and my fiance died Nov. 16th. You and I both had our worlds change that day. Even though Larry had been ill and waiting for a transplant we never dreamed he would not receive one, let alone die. He was only 49. Believe me when I tell you everything you have just written, all of us have repeated the same words. I am still stunned and can't believe I have to choose to go on with my life. That just doesn't seem possible. Sleep is not happening much. Eating seems impossible. I hope you will find some relief in being able to write here and know that we ALL understand. Even though it does not take away the pain and sadness, at least know others are here with you and will listen to anything you need to say.

[stik40]

I also am a new "member" and my fiance died Nov. 16th. You and I both had our worlds change that day. Even though Larry had been ill and waiting for a transplant we never dreamed he would not receive one, let alone die. He was only 49. Believe me when I tell you everything you have just written, all of us have repeated the same words. I am still stunned and can't believe I have to choose to go on with my life. That just doesn't seem possible. Sleep is not happening much. Eating seems impossible. I hope you will find some relief in being able to write here and know that we ALL understand. Even though it does not take away the pain and sadness, at least know others are here with you and will listen to anything you need to say.

I just woke up ( i work nights)and went rite here .. the relief i felt when i read the reply's knowing others have the same thoughts and feeling.. i read alot of the post here this morning, the sadness that overwelms me is hard to handle at times, but knowing that i can stop in and leave a note, a thought a rant and not feel like i'm from another planet,gives me peace.atleast alittle and thats more than i have ahd in 2 months.

[Dusky]

Stik40,

I am glad you found this site – and I can tell you that you will find great comfort here and people who truly understand your feelings. I am also very sorry about your loss. This is a very long road that you have begun – but always know that here you can find people who understand and are willing to listen.

I lost my partner of 27 years to a brain tumor – he lasted 10-months after his diagnoses and 7 surgeries – plus he lost his sight after only three weeks of diagnosis. I can certainly relate to the horrors of brain cancer and what our mates must have endured and the scares that it has left on us.

I know this process is very new for you so let me share with you some of the things that have helped me during the 6 months that Jack has been gone. Tomorrow will be half a year since he died. Milestones (like 6 months – 1 month 1 year) are very difficult – and the first year (I am told) is the worst. I have survived by doing the following:

1. Reading a lot of books on grief – I have read 30+ - and I have a list of these book. If you are interested I can send them to you. I have also posted them on here in one of my postings – so you could find the list here as well. There is one book in particular that is very powerful. It is called Grieving Mindfully – By Samett Kumar. Basically it tells how to survive by living your life one moment at a time. I read this book three times and always get something new out of it each time I read it.

2. Journaling – keeping track of what you do each day – actually write it down – If ya have a dream – record it in writing – it will help you and give you something to look back at later.

3. I write – as in poems and songs – it gives me a great deal of comfort to do this.

4. I attend Hospice counseling (one on one) every two weeks and have also joined two different groups. Talking to people helps – You need to be able to talk and tell people about what happened for as long as you want. Remember there is no time limit on how long this process takes – it takes as long as you need it to take. You need to talk about it for as long as you want to. Surround yourself with people who are willing to let you talk.

5. I have done numerous things to help memorialize my partner – like starting a scholarship fund in his name at this High School in Michigan. I will give monies away each year to some one who is going to become a Hairstylist – just like Jack. I am also having two trees planted in the park in Fountain Hills Arizona as a tribute to our lives together – and what he meant to me. I would love to have one of the songs I’ve written eventually put to music – this is a long shot – but I find comfort in writing – so if I succeed great – if not – I will have gain the satisfaction of writing the songs/pomes. Someday I will share some of these on this site.

I hope some of this helps you. This is an excellent site – use it and stay in touch. I’m with ya all the way buddy – you hang in there. People care here.

My best to you,

John – Dusky is my handle on here

[kayc]

Stik40

We are glad to meet you although wish it was under different circumstances. All of us here have been through it. Talking and writing helped me tremendously. And art...I found it helped for me to express myself through collages...collages depicting how I felt, collages depicting where I wanted to be, collage depicting what I was to George, and collages depicting what he was to me. It's not as important how we express ourselves as it is that we DO express ourselves. It's not good to hold it in and we all need some safe place to go...somewhere where we don't have to feel bad for saying what is in our hearts. The rest of the world does want to move on, but for us, that is not possible. I am fortunate, I have my husband's friend John who has been there from day one, listening, caring, sharing stories with me about George, helping me sort things out. I realize that not everyone has someone to listen...but all of us here on this site listen and we care. It sounds like you had something very special...it's not about how long we get together, it's what we make of what we have, and it sounds like you lived to the fullest together with your love. It's just that when we have something so good, we don't want to lose it so soon...soon meaning any time that would part us. For the lament is the same whether we've shared a year or a lifetime together when we have loved and lost.

[charlieslove]

Hi all. I find it amazing, out of 365 days in a year, how many of us lost our spouses on a Nov 16th! I believe there are 3 and maybe 4 of us here. My loss was Nov. 16, 2004, so I have "done" my year. I think I went thru it in a daze, tho, and now this year is reality. I am doing better. I have gotten used to the fact that I'm the only one in the house....I don't LIKE it, but it's something I've finally gotten used to. My husband was very young, also, just 46 years old.

I think we all find comfort in coming to this site. I may not write each day, but know that I come here and read each day.

My thoughts are with all of you!!!

Patti

(for Charlie 6/10/58-11/16/2004 - I love you, Dear!!)

[stik40]

dear charlieslove Your very correct in the fact that there is comfort here.... as odd as that may seem to find comfort on computer.....i stop in here everyday,sometime more than afew times... every post i read allows me the time to remember my babers without so many tears flowing down my face.I feel for everybody and what they (you) must be goin thru,alas i'm goin thru it too and as odd as it sounds i find comfort knowing i;m not alone in the pain and loss i feel, knowing that i can ask any question (within reason of course) and someone here will answer it with honesty and integerty< i seem to have lost the ability to spell these last few weeks for this i;m very sorry.

Edited February 3, 2006 by stik40