Grieving

[kjbmtt]

I have never participated in something like this & am not real familiar with computers so will see if I am doing this right. I read some of the things written & feel a bit foolish to be writing as I am 60 & so many of the things I read were by very young people. I lost my mother to cancer 2 years ago. A few months after she died my father found out he also had cancer & died 4 months from his diagnosis. I am an only child & was very close to my parents. I am married to a good man but he is emotionally distant so I am alone in my sadness. I have a daughter but she misses my parents & it is very distressing for her when I show sadness. I understand as I would have felt the same way when I was young if my parents were grieving. They were always my strength as I need to be for her. I have no one to talk with so feel quite alone. I had to dispose of my parents belongings & sell their house & take care of their business issues in addition to my full time job. The intense sadness I feel is overwhelming & doesn't get better. It's like a huge hole has been torn from my heart & there is nothing to help put it together again. And as I said, it is hard because I feel at my age I should be able to cope better with the natural course of life. I feel that it would help if I had some emotional support -someone to lean on it would help. I have a few friends but they have their own problems & don't have anything extra to give.

[Guest Guest_Jen_*]

I'm sorry about the loss of your parents. I lost my mother a month ago, she was only 56, cause of death still unknown, and I lost my father 5 years ago, he was only 47, to a heart attack. I'm so sad and shocked. I still can't believe it. After my father died, my mother couldn't really cope. She was a housewife and my father was her world. I tried my best to comfort her but thinking back, I'm not even sure if she was ever truly happy again. It just breaks my heart. I tried to spend as much time with her as I could. We became really close. She was like my best friend, and now that she's gone, I feel so sad. I really don't know what to do. I feel really alone also. My friends and family were there for me during the funeral and all, but basically they went back to their lives, and I'm left alone to deal with this pain. Just seems like that's how life is. Reading your story, I guess it doesn't matter how old you are. Losing your parents is just terrible. I dont know what to say. It hasn't even been a month for me, and I feel like it's been enternity since I've seen her. I try to take it day by day, but it seems like it's getting tougher.

[Guest Guest_avsqr_dancer_*]

I am 51 and both my parents died just this past summer. I understand about feeling like you shouldn't be grieving once you are a certain age, but no matter what your age or their age, they were your parents and you loved them no matter what! Yes, perhaps it is even more tragic when a parent dies young, but I don't think it is any less painful no matter when they die. My dad would have been 90 this month if he had lived, and yes I am grateful for how long I did have him in my life. But I miss him very much now.

Have either of you considered grief counseling?-I don't know what your situations are, but a grief counselor can be objective and supportive and help you talk about your feelings at this difficult time. Just a suggestion, when friends/spouses etc. don't seem able to be there for you for whatever the reason.

[kjbmtt]

I went to see a psychologist when my mother was ill & again after my father died. Based on what I shared,they could see that family or friend support will not be there & they told me there was nothing I could do except take it a day at a time. Not a lot of help but I know it has to come from me to cope. It seems many people aren't close to parents & I once told my daughter that death seems so much easier for them but she said we would miss out on all the wonderful memories. We really were much closer than most. I guess we are more like families from the "old country" with constant interaction - me with my grandparents on both sides in years past & then with my folks. My parents lived a few houses from us so we did things for each other every day. My daughter probably was with them more than us since we both worked. Our lives were very intertwined personally & with business. Some friends have said losing them for me is like losing a husband since I not only lost parents but because of their backgrounds they helped with all our business issues that now fall on me. Although I am an only child as is our daughter, there was so much extended family closeness that's now gone as my parents generation are all gone & cousins never bonded. We have no contact wtih my husband's family. Going from daily contact, love & support to just my husband & myself is quite a change. My daughter married & moved away during my mother's illness so have to share her with another family. My daughter thought we would all be one big happy family but my husband & myself aren't considered family by them. This is an added stress for all of us including her husband. I do feel so bad for the young women that have lost their parents & helps put my issue in perspective. It helps to hear from people more my age that don't just sail through the whole episode. For me no matter how long my parents would have lived it wouldn't have been long enough. Another thing that made it hard was they never seemed old even though mother was 89 & dad 88 when they died because they looked like someone in their 70's & were as active as myself. So nice to get your responses

[Maylissa]

kjbmtt,

My Mother died when I was 46 ( I'm now 48 ), but my Mom's mother died when my Mom was 57. Since my Mom's death, I've often thought that this wasn't right, as she had her mother longer than I ended up having my own Mom. However, no matter when we lose our mothers, and no matter how old or young we are, chronologically, I think we end up feeling like little kids....without our mommies. There's just no getting around the fact that they were our mothers, along with all the feelings associated with that bond.

You have US to talk to, if no one else and we welcome your presence here in this sad group. While I can now say that my husband has learned a LOT about connecting with me through my grief over my Mother's, and brother's deaths ( 2 months apart from each other ), most times he just listens, without trying to 'fix' my emotions, and often he doesn't know what to say back....so I still need groups like this one to connect on a deeper, more understanding level, with those who know how it feels to lose a parent ( or both ).

My Mom had many close calls with death over about a 15 year span and I was always terrified of her leaving me, so in one way I consider myself 'lucky' that she ended up making it as long as she did, but now I also know why I was so terrified of her death.....it's just awful to lose your mother.

I also consider myself as good as parentless, because my father never loved me, and I can't love him, either. So in most respects, I only had one real parent all along. My father is now in a home, with severe dementia, and isn't far from death anyway, as he's almost 88 and getting weaker.

As for your daughter, there's something I recently read about grieving that I can't help but agree with ~ don't be strong - be human. To my mind, I only wish that my own Mother had shared more of her natural grief over her mother's death with me. Seeing her hiding her pain ( I knew her well enough to tell, of course! ) only left me feeling more helpless to help her, and I felt it just further distanced her from me, rather than building more intimacy between us, mother and ( only ) daughter. Now that I know how horrible this pain is, my heart breaks even more, for my Mother's pain, the pain she kept inside too much, the pain that added to her already-sad life, and the pain that kept her drinking until she'd damaged herself terribly and could never really recover. I lost a lot of my Mother many years ago, as her brain was no longer able to function properly for the last 15 years or so of her life. I've looked at her, and my, life thousands upon thousands of times, and see far too much damage was done by covering up our real selves....from both sides. Had she shared this deep, pervasive grief with me, I might have had a better understanding of what it would be like for me someday, but more importantly, I would have been able to connect with her on a more human and deep level...and that would have served me well in so many ways from then on. Perhaps it would have given me more compassion for her on many levels, earlier on in my life, and who knows what good could have come from that? I remember my own Mother at your age, 60, before she was so beaten down from life. To have had a few more years of her, but with an even closer relationship than what we had then.......a treasure, it would have been.

Perhaps you could just come right out and ask your daughter if it truly distresses her as much as you're imagining it does. Perhaps, as is so common in families dealing with grief, she is also holding back for fear of upsetting you even more, yet needs, as much as you do, to express her pain to someone who will understand and accept it. This might open up a dialogue between the two of you that ultimately will be beneficial for both of you, and may provide your daughter with knowledge and compassion to see her through the rest of her life. Death, and grief, is definitely NOT something we need to avoid talking about. It is this very avoidance that has given rise to the need for these sites. We wouldn't BE in as much pain if we just stopped hiding our feelings from others when our loved ones died, or when we were ourselves dying. In fact, the whole world-view about death would change....

These are just my thoughts and feelings on what you brought up....just another angle to consider. And it goes without saying, but of course I will say it anyway....I'm terribly sorry about the loss of both of your parents. Yes, it IS an incredibly lonely feeling. I hope you will keep coming back here to share your journey with us, as we all need each other during these trying times.

[kjbmtt]

Every person's journey is individual. Although I saw my paternal grandparents several times each week & for a time they lived across the street from us I never felt really close. My grandmother was in her 40's when she had her last child of 9 & she wasn't a feely touchy person to begin with & my dad indicated she felt she was through with children so wasn't the kind to be really emotionally close to grandchildren. Mother's family was different. Her paternal grandmother lived with them for about 15 years. Her mother married at 15 & had 4 children by early 20's. Since mother was an only daughter & I was her only child I was very close to my mother's parents. My grandmother was the kind that wanted closeness & was the type that would get lonesome even though we had lots of contact with her. She was close to her own sisters & lived next door to one. She was one of 13 children & of the ones living when I was a child 6 lived in the same town. You see what I mean about family closeness & attachments. My mother was very different from her mother & I am different from her. I am more like my maternal grandmother. The sad feelings & being lonesome are all her. My mother was a rock & she wasn't hiding feelings. That is just the way she was. She was very attached to me & my daughter but losing her parents were just part of life. Of course, she was 74 when her mother died. If my mother were here she would say I need to get a grip that this is just life & no point in the way I feel & the same would come from my dad. He lived with us after his surgery for the few months he had so we talked a lot. He died here in my home with just me here. My daughter is so sad about losing my parents because they were everything to her as she was to them. She said once that she doesn't like it that I will comment that's what grandma would say or what grandpa would do. When I said recently that they were so much a part of our lives it just comes naturally she said she doesn't like it cause it reminds her how sad I am. She is so afraid that something will happen to me or her husband so she doesn't like to dwell on the current loss.

[Guest Diane Christopher (Chubby Cherub]

Dear Grieving,

My heart and soul reach out to you. It is always so much easier when you have someone to reach out to in a sad and lonely time such as this. I am fortunate to have a husband that is 100 per cent with me emotionally in every way. But you know what? I still ache and I still hurt and I still miss my Momma more than ever. My situation is different as my Momma is still here. But is she really? She suffers from Alzheimers Disease and has now for over three years. And I hurt just as much now as I did then. I have tried counselors, psychologists, psychiatrists, anti-depressants, grief therapists and other methods. Nothing worked then and nothing works now. And I am 58 years old and will be 59 in July. My Momma is 80 and she aged overnight. I too had to sell her home that she worked for years all alone (as my Dad died at the young age of 59 as a result of alcoholism). Momma lived on the same street as me. She is my best friend and my mentor. I can't even go to the Home for months at a time to see her because I break down so badly. I just want you to know that you are not too old, nor are you expected to grieve any certain way. We all grieve in our own time. And in our own way. I have been told this many times. This horrible disease takes a loved one twice. You watch them die twice. And my Momma hasn't known me now for over a year and one half. And that is the hardest pain to bear. Please look to God and know that this person here would love to be a shoulder for you to lean on. And I have a listening ear also. And an open mind and heart. And here is my email address if you would like to correspond. I live in Buffalo, New York. And I have one daughter Deanna who is 35. Please feel free to contact me any time. May God bless you each and every day. And may he lessen your heartache and grief every day also.

Love & Prayers,

Diane Christopher (Chubby Cherub)

diane22@adelphia.net

[Paul S]

Hello. I can only reiterate what's been said, in that you do have a right to grieve in your own way, and in your own time. "Time takes time" and the wound suffered by the loss of your Mom and Dad, particularly since your were close, will take its time. Don't look at a calendar and feel that you should be over it by now. And like some of the other posters said, age is irrelevant when you lose both parents, for we become "adult orphans". I just turned 43, and my Mom (a little shy of 90) died last November, so the loss is still raw. Dad died 10 years ago, but I didn't feel his loss that much as we were distant (emotionally and geographically). Interestingly, I am now starting to incorporate losing him into the griefwork I am doing to cope with Mom's death. So there's no established time for when you are "suppoosed to do" griefwork.

And that is something that has helped me, "griefwork", which you are starting to do. You're in the right place and talking to people who understand, in a way, what you're going thru. Not exactly, as each grieves differently because each loss is different and we are different, but we're all treading the same sorrowful path. It's been suggested that you try grief counseling. That has worked wonders for me, not to mention that at some places, like a hospice or some other bereavement center, it may be free. It may also benefit your daughter, since she has survival issues beyond her grandparents' deaths.

Another suggestion is to try reading. There are a number of great books available at most bookstores on grieving, from a host of perspectives. That may help when you're alone.

And keep coming back here!!

[Guest je]

One beautiful summer's day when I was a little girl, lying on a small clifftop overlooking a beach, I watched something amazing happen in front of me. An ant

was at the bottom of a bucket of water, curled up and seemingly lifeless, I thought it was dead. Another ant came along, climbed up the outside of the bucket,into the water and down to the bottom and rescued the ant which was lying there, carrying it away, out of the water, out of the bucket...to wherever ants go.

I feel like the ant in the bucket,like many here. My father died March 05, I left my job in a few months later, unable to cope with stress or much at all. Met a man who I like very much, we become good friends. He rescued me from the immediate grief and loss that I was feeling, but I don't expect, rely or even want him to rescue me all the time. That will only come from inside, from the emptiness and the void and the days that pass. There is no rescue while we are living, only a coming to terms, slow and painful as it is.

What I remember most about my Dad is the great love that he had, for me, the rest of the family, friends, nature, and people generally. He gave and he received. He was a kind and gentle soul, and his death was the best that anyone could hope for, in a place he loved, with people that he loved, not in great pain, and awake. He wasn't a religious man, and he had thought that death would be like going to sleep, and darkness. However, just before he died, what he said made it clear to me, regardless of belief, spiritual or religous persuasion, that we are not alone, however alone we might sometimes feel. There were others, I think his parents, and friends who have died before him, to help him make the transition. His eyes were open, beautiful, clear, as he spoke to them with no fear - 'that's it, that's it, let's go, let's go, ok, ok'. He wasn't speaking to me or my step-mum who were present at the time. I said 'yeah Dad, go on that walk, we love you', I don't know if he heard, he was already far away, and a little while after was his last breath.

It doesn't make it any easier but sharing this with all you others who are grieving like me might make it a bit less lonely. Peace, love and healing to us all. We are not alone.

[Guest Dayna]

Je-

I just read your post and I have to say that I had to do the same thing with my father. Although many of his organs were failing his heart was strong and he was hanging on. I also have to say as hard as it was to watch my father slowly die it was still an amazing experience. I was there every step of the way. His heart started pounding in his chest and his pulse was going very fast. His lips and ears were beginning to turn blue. But his heart was so strong. I am (yes I said am, not was) daddy's little girl so I sent everyone out of the room and sat down beside him. Then I said the hardest thing I have ever said to anyone. I told him it was time. I told him that he couldn't hurt anymore and we (me, my mom, sister and my husband) couldn't hurt anymore. I could tell he didn't want to go, but he wasn't coming back. I still had hope that there would be a miracle and he would get up and be better, but I knew that, that would not happen. So I just dat there with him and told him I loved him and it was not "good bye" it was "see you later." I told him this was just the next step in his journey and we would meet and talk again someday. I should explain that he was in a coma for two days. So as I was talking to him he was really responding, but I new he heard me. He passed a few hours later. At first I felt guily because I told him it was time. I also felt guilty because I didn't think I could take another day of no sleep and sitting by his bed. Sometimes I still do, but I tell myself that he is at peace and not hurting anymore.

I want to share a quick story, this is what makes things okay when days are rough. When my father passed it was about 7 in the morning on a saturday. He passed with his mouth open wide. A few hours after he passed I went back upstairs, even though he was gone and we were waiting for the morgue I still felt I needed to check on him, when I walked in the room his mouth was closed. I freaked out slightly and ran to the nurse and asked if she closed it. She said no and came to see what I was talking about. She looked at me and said, "that never happens, it means he is truly at peace." I don't know if she was telling me the truth or not, but he looked so peaceful, like he was sleeping. It made me feel like everything would be okay. Everyday is still hard and coping is not easy, but I tried to look at the positive so I don't feel so sad.

[Guest je]

Hey Dayna, thanks for that. Yes, I was dad's girl too, middle of two brothers, and although he loved us all, I knew I was special to him. The memories that come back that are so beautiful yet so painful. Remember when I was a baby and my parents had left me in the carrycot in the back of the car, which he'd put away in the garage, forgotten about me in all the stress of daily life with an older brother who was very demanding and jealous of my arrival i guess...I actually remember being there, looking around, not frightened. It must have been a while, but I remember him coming in and seeing his face looking down on me. I felt the love, saw it in his eyes, and was lucky to feel it all my life. I guess we're lucky that we had loving fathers. I miss him so much. Yesterday was a not so good day, today a bit better...you take care now, thanks for the sharing.

[Guest Guest_avsqr_dancer_*]

Hi Dayna,

I admire that you were able to stay with your father until he died. I was not able to do that, but my story is similar in other ways. My father had pnuemonia and nothing they did made him any better. When I went to visit him on a Tuesday, he sounded so horrible, a terrible wheezing sound and almost unable to catch his breath due to all the fluid in his lungs. I could barely stay in the room and soon ran out and started sobbing. The nurse (who was wonderfully caring) then told me that they had to suction him every hour and as weak as he was, he fought it because it was so horrible. She also told me it was time to think about if we (only my brother and myself, as my mom had just died 7 weeks earlier) wanted any heroic measures. We decided that we did not and when a lung specialist said all that was left to do was tube him, we again told them not to do that. Probably the hardest decision I've had to make, but after Mom died, I think Dad lost the will to live. I was told that he would basically drown in his own fluids, but that he would likely be unconscious and they would also give him morphine as needed. When I went to see him for the last time, he was unconscious, but he did look peaceful and those horrible wheezing noices were gone. I too told him it was okay to leave and to go be with Mom and that my brother and I would be alright. I am Daddy's girl too so I never thought I would be able to say that, but I did. I told him I loved him and always would. I'd like to think that he heard me. Then I left and he also died just a few hours later. I believe he was waiting for my permission to die since he loved me so much! I am sorry I went on so long. It has been 6 months since he died, but this is his birthday month and had he lived, he would have been 90! I am so greatful to have had him for so long, but still I do not think we are ever ready to let go of someone we love. Thank you for listening and sharing. It helps to know others have had similar experiences.

Serl

[Maylissa]

...not in great pain, and awake. He wasn't a religious man, and he had thought that death would be like going to sleep, and darkness. However, just before he died, what he said made it clear to me, regardless of belief, spiritual or religous persuasion, that we are not alone...His eyes were open, beautiful, clear, as he spoke to them with no fear - 'that's it, that's it, let's go, let's go, ok, ok'...

je,

I want to thank you for sharing your dad's departure with us. The fact that he was fully awake, not religious and I assume not under the influence of a lot of drugs, either, is what really strikes me as key in his story. I haven't found many people's stories to be like this, by comparison, and so this is a gem for me. Although I believe that the life essence continues and just changes form ( &/or goes formless, at least for a time ), I still have doubts and questions about many of the details, both during and after death. Your dad's story makes it easier for me to have hope that our loved ones come for us, especially since he didn't seem to have any faith-based preconceptions similar to what he ended up experiencing for himself. Since he believed, up 'til then, that consciousness simply fades out of existence, the fact that he experienced other consciousnesses with him, in direct opposition to his original idea, really makes for a strong argument that belief doesn't necessarily account for actual experience. This is what I've been struggling so hard with for 6 long years, since the transition of my furbaby, then my Mom, then my brother....so thank-you, for helping to put my mind a bit more at ease by telling your dad's story. It's a keeper for me.

[MartyT]

This is what I've been struggling so hard with for 6 long years

Maylissa, dear,

You might be interested in a book I've read recently entitled Signals, by Joel Rothschild (click on the title to read Amazon's description and reviews) -- This is taken from the book's jacket:

Signals is the extraordinary true story of two friends, both living with AIDS, who made a pact: whoever died first would try to contact the other. Joel Rothschild, the more skeptical of the two, was the one left behind. His book chronicles a series of miraculous experiences and encounters that tell an amazing story and offer wonderful proof of an afterlife.

Signals is the story of a skeptic who learns that there is more in heaven and earth than the human mind can comprehend. It's a story of an awakening, a transformation -- a story that uplifts us, and makes us smile in wonder.

It is a story of love, hope, and healing that will take you on an adventure you will never forget. Ultimately, as Neale Donald Walsch writes, it 'closes the greatest gap of all -- the gulf in our understanding of life and death.'

[Maylissa]

Dearest Marty,

Thank-you, once again, for thinking of me in my painful struggles. You are truly an angel here, to guide us so. I've heard of this book, but wasn't sure how good it would be, or how useful....there are so many books out there! It helps to know you've read it and consider it good enough to recommend.

One of my recent problems has to to do with a book called "Easy Death", consisting mainly of writings and 'lectures' by a man who claims to be an actual avatar, a real embodiment of God Itself, and whose claims of how things really are, and how a continuing life might be for anyone, are very, very close to what I already believed to be the most logical and sensible way things probably worked..BUT, a few of the things he says have also been not only different, but quite frightening, at least to me. One of these areas concerns what happens with us after we lose the body, and that is, that our experiences from then on depend on our state of mind at the time of dying and how we've thought and lived throughout our physical lives. Since my own mind has been so troubled during much of my life, and particularly so since my losses, with fear being the predominant emotion, this does not bode well for me, if this 'man' is to be believed! It is also claimed ( the absolute worst thing I could have read ) that we don't necessarily see our loved ones either when we die or afterward, again, depending on the above!! So anything that can relieve some of my now even bigger recent fears is most welcome!!!

[MartyT]

So anything that can relieve some of my now even bigger recent fears is most welcome!!!

Oh Maylissa!

While I deeply respect your quest for knowledge and understanding, I want to gently suggest that, if this man's take on this subject only adds to your fears, then don't continue reading his book. Only you can determine what brings you comfort, and if you find this particular person's work disturbing, recognize that you have a right to disagree with him, to reject his theories and to stop paying him any more of your attention.

I am reminded of a "Q and A" column I read recently by Belleruth Naparstek (an expert on PTSD and Guided Imagery, whom I've mentioned in some of my other posts). This is what she has to say about "connecting with people who may be more advanced spiritually" than you think you may be:

I would caution you against looking for one person to follow. To tell you the truth, I think the guru days are over. And for those of us who didn't quite "get" the demise of guru-dom right away, we were blessed with a lot of misbehaving swamis and frisky TV pastors--everyone from the rascally Rajneesh to the weepy Jimmy Swaggart--to drive this point home.

Forking over your autonomy, will, and power of discrimination to a "visionary" may not be as valuable as learning from many teachers, each of whom has many ideas and answers, some of which are compatible with you and some not. Slowly you get to shape a paradigm that is yours, based on many people and their ideas. It's also good to hash out these ideas and chew them over with fellow seekers in those learning circles.

In following this advice, I suspect that you would have to give up your dependency--the idea that somewhere there is an idealized figure who will meet all your needs, tell you the truth, show you the way, and do the sorting for you. It doesn't work that way. Ultimately, gurus become unsatisfactory because no one belongs on a pedestal. Sooner or later, we figure that out and feel disappointed. And your very wish for such a teacher could leave you open for the kind of guru-abuse that was going on all over the place in the ’80s. It makes you easy to exploit.

So I wish you luck in your journey, but I hope you don't stay too long with any one teacher. Allow yourself to outgrow them. And try to eschew the kissing of hems!

[You can read the entire column at The Passing of an Era ]

[Guest je]

Maylissa,

thankyou so much for your sharing and your thoughts on what i saw and felt, please know that your comments are so appreciated by me. I'm going to read it all again. bless you.

[Guest Guest]

Maylissa,

I just replied to you but don't know where it went!! Thankyou for your comments, and if anything I said or thought helped you makes me feel so good. Bless you, and your journey.

[Guest Guest]

Marty

I saw what i saw, and heard what I heard, Thank god, i don't need the book. Thankyou anyway for your concern, bless, je.

[Maylissa]

Dear Marty,

Yes, I had read your message here and was just chewing things over, and reading some of those articles ( got side-tracked with some of them! ). I appreciate your help in this issue with me, as well as all the others! I've decided that I'll continue to read at least some of this book, just in case there may be small nuggets of help in it, but now with more of an eye towards respecting my own instincts, and listening more to my inner commentary whenever it arises.

I can't agree totally with Belleruth, either, as I think about how her advice at the end might have been applied to some of the 'Greats', like Jesus, Buddha, etc....the ones who should have been listened to....although they themselves never put themselves on pedestals ( which was half their point!)...but even Jesus seemingly got annoyed at times with those who wouldn't listen to him; don't know if Buddha or any others did, too. And so far in this book, I'm not even sure if this author is putting himself on a pedestal, or not.

While I would love to be able to only listen to myself, it's not like I've never been wrong before, so that's not enough of an answer for me. I've never necessarily wanted a Truth to bring me nothing but comfort ( although that would be ideal! ), as that seems like too changeable a basis on which to build a foundation for Truth, and I think that might just be another fool's game..."If you like it, it's True!"....I want to find THE Truth, no matter what it is, and if it turns out to be something that I'm not comfortable with, then I'd want to do the required work until it was comfortable...or even just decide that I wasn't yet up to it and try to accept that I'd be failing the grade. That's just how I've always been, for better or worse ( and it's often worse! ) The only exception to this for myself, is when I have one of those Knowing moments, when something seems to be embedded right in my soul, inherently without any room for doubt, and there just aren't enough of those to wholly satisfy me....so on goes the endless search, but I'm getting really exhausted by it.

[Maylissa]

Well, I'm very happy to report that I threw that book out today; don't even want to give it away as I don't think anyone else should be reading it, either! I 'Googled' this Adi Da Samraj and found more than enough discussion about him that was very controversial, to say the least! So it IS a cult, and I had no idea he'd committed so many atrocities. Good ~ that settles that! I may almost back to square one in not knowing what's what, but at least I can toss out all his unsettling claims. From now on, I'm 'Googling' everything before I read any books! Lesson learned.

[shubom]

These past few weeks I've went to the bookstore and just read books. All kind of books on how to deal with what I'm going through. I'd spend hours just reading. A lot of the books are interesing, but a lot are conflicting. It drove me up the wall. I got to the point where I didn't really care anymore. I eventually came to the conclusion that who really cares, where's my mother?! I want her back. This just sucks.

[shell]

I am reading Final Gifts, a book written by two Hospice nurses. It is a wonderful book and gives you a whole new view (a good one) of death and dying and what happens. I just wish I had read it BEFORE my dad got sick! I would highly recommend it to all of us suffering this pain. The authors are Maggie Callanan and Patricia Kelley.

Shell