Guilt

[newnormal]

In July, my what I thought to be perfectly healthy 59 husband went to the gym as he did 99% of his mornings.  He came back little early and knocked on the bathroom door saying he had a heaviness on his chest.  He said he felt it at the gym, sat down, did a few more reps, felt it again and then decided to come home.  He said it scared him a little. I googled "heaviness on the chest" and boom, heart attack.  I read to him the symptoms, and he had none of them other than the heaviness and fatigue.  He convinced me that it was the Red Bull he drank with the two cups of coffee.  He wanted to lay down for a few minutes and we did.  Stupid.  He was fine in 15-20 minutes.  I made him take it easy and rest the rest of the day.  He wanted to go to Lowes to buy two lights and I went with him.  I held his hand and he felt clammy cold to me ever so slight. I asked him- he said he felt fine.  He was not out of breathe, pale, nothing.  I thought okay it is my imagination. I did put him on a never again caffeine lifestyle.

We went to NY the next day to the lakehouse his grandfather built.  He was fine. We had so much fun.  We drove around the lake, worked on the house, went to dinner.  I asked his sister a nurse for 30 years about it in front of him.  He got mad but talked to her about it and I quote, "She said we should probably get it checked out."  We drove home 11 hours straight and I was the one having trouble due to arthritis.  I took a muscle relaxer and zoned out for 5 of the 11.  I drove for 3.  He was happy.  We got home at 2 am, slept in. I did laundry, he puttered around doing chores.  The issue was pretty forgotten honestly except we planned to make a doc appt.  That night, we were trying to download pics and he was trying to work on an online class and our computers were old.  We agreed to buy a computer the next morning.  

5 to 10, and the store is closed.  He made a joke about did I want to stand in lin e and stare at the door?  I laughed and said no.  He said he needed to get out and stand up for a minute.  Not unusual.  He left the door open.  I am reading to him about the difference between MAC and Windows and the door closed.  I thought he was angry.  He had a temper sometimes.  Over the years, I have learned to ignore this.  I went into Best Buy and talked to the lady and waited for him.  He didn't come.  I went out after 5 minutes.  Ambulance.  Widow maker.  Dead.

He had a premonition since I met him that he would not live to old age.  The kids and I laughed at him.  He was so health conscious.  He wanted to do another triathlon or walk the 30 mile trail we have in NC.  

He was a pilot-EKG's every stinking year.  

After he died, I went into investigative mode.  All his records 20 years back. All normal with one exception.  Of six of the last 10 years, his EKG's were abnormal.  He could still fly as they were not "critical" and t o top it off, the medical examiner admitted he never told him.  Not once.

We were married 28 years.  We got body slammed from the beginning.  His mom died 3 months after we married due to ovarian cancer undetected, my mother had to come because as her only child, the hospital felt she was suicidal after drinking.  She was great for a year, went back after we married, and I was once again called back from honeymoon.  A tour to Korea, a mother with now Alzheimers, two small children.  You get it.  Rough marriage.  He never gave up on me and would not divorce me.  I can't say the same.  I wanted him.  Never had him after his mom died.  The anger was there a lot.

I could have saved him.  How I live with this I don't know.  I devoted my entire life to the kids and him.  No more fresh cranberries at Thanksgiving or Christmas.  No more silly sayings he had.  No more 430 am coffee together.  

I am sorry this is long. I am sad, angry, confused at myself, him, the medical examiner, and every fat slob out there who is still living. I can't go in public.  Heart races too much.  Hands go numb to point the doc had me go to cardio.  

I wake up every morning disappointed that I did.  I wish it was just over.  We should have both died in the car during the 11 hour drive. If this had to happen, why didn't we just go together.  There is no God.  No Karma.  Nothing.

I admire the folks here so strong. I just don't have it.

[MartyT]

To those members who responded to newnormal's original post last night (in a thread entitled "guilt and regret over a perfect storm"):

In my efforts to remove her duplicate posts, I accidentally deleted the entire thread, including all of your responses ~ and so your kind messages to her have disappeared into cyberspace. I am so sorry. Fortunately we were able to recover newnormal's original post, which appears above. I hope you will take the time once again to reach out to this new member, who is so deserving of our ongoing understanding and support. ♥

[kayc]

Dee,

I am glad you found this place, and am so so sorry for your loss.  It does indeed seem like a long time when we're going through it yet we remember every detail like it was yesterday.

Praying for you and your kids...

The troops should respond shortly!  I hope meanwhile you'll take some time to read through some of the threads and links, there's a ton to read!  It helps to know you are not alone in your grief journey.  Our grief is ongoing but it evolves, it won't always stay in this level of pain and intensity, but we'll always miss them!  I'm ten years out and I still talk to and think of my husband every day.

[MartyT]

I just read this thoughtful article on guilt, written by our friend and colleague, Barbara Karnes, RN, author and expert in hospice nursing and care of the dying ~ and I thought of you, Dee. I hope her words bring you some comfort: The Heavy Feelings of Loss ♥

[debi.williams]

New Normal, My heart goes out to you. Yes we get it and the 'it' is the hell you are living through. I lost my husband just over 3 months ago at 49 to a brain haemorrhage. He too never believed he would live to see old age and so it was proved (despite his father being alive at 81 and brother at 55) My story can be found somewhere ( a moment by moment account too, like yours) here in my many outpourings of grief on this wonderful forum. NOTHING I say will make you feel any momentary flicker of comfort aside from you are not alone. 

We got body slammed from the beginning.

Yes you did. So many setbacks BUT you were together for the final vow of marriage. You loved him and he loved you and only death parted you. We were together almost 20 years '( son now 16), my husband lost his mum at 6 in a car accident, fought on the frontline of a war (I kid you not, he never got over what he saw), lost a friend to suicide and was estranged from his father after a stupid argument. He lived a continent away from all his family. My husband too had anger. Never with us, but with the cards he had been dealt

I could have saved him.  How I live with this I don't know.  

You couldn't have saved him my lovely lady, because as far as you were concerned, there was nothing to save him from.  But maybe the information, had it been given, would have enabled him to help himself. It is shocking. Shocking in the extreme that this information was withheld. These people are accountable for their actions. I don't want to inflame you any further but really? In this day and age vital information is not passed on to the one person it concerns. Oh my love, I want to reach through the screen and scream with you. 

  We should have both died in the car during the 11 hour drive.

I too have thought about that. Long and hard. You see, 3 hours before he collapsed we were speeding in a car. He was the driver (I don't) and I asked him to slow down. When he collapsed, he collapsed in such a way that had it happened in the car we would have driven into a tunnel at speed. I wouldn't be here. We would be together. As we were in life, joined at the hip. BUT our son....OUR son? For him it would have been catastrophic. No, it wasn't meant to be, for good reason. Whether you believe in fate or not, newnormal, you are here for a reason and our children have us and that is at least half their hearts saved even though we feel ours are entirely broken. Because who would our children have to remember the fresh cranberries with if we also had gone? Who, in years to come would they reminisce with about the silly sayings if they were placing flowers on a double grave? 

  No more 430 am coffee together.

There is not one of the wonderful people on here that cannot tune in to this. It is the little stuff, the minutiae of life that matters in the final analysis. the small moments two souls enjoy together that make us unique in every way. For me, it was our 2.30am 'pastmidnight' snacks together, giggling like 2 naughty kids in case we got found out by our son! Oh and......well so so many moments just like you have. Too many to mention, for you and I. Too many.

There is no God.

 One thing I feel sure of is that 'whoever' or 'whatever' was the genius behind our creation can handle our anger. So rage away you are totally entitled.

I admire the folks here so strong. I just don't have it.

We are strong for each other because we are all plodding down a common human road nearnormal, but please don't think we are always strong for ourselves. Sometimes we are, sometimes we aren't. This changes moment to moment with breathtaking speed. 

Our stories, our lives are here. I had never been on a forum in my life until one night, so desperate for help I stumbled upon this. This and the people here have been my lifeline. I wish I had a magic wand for you and all of us suffering, or a time machine or some other device to make you whole again. Nothing will change the horror of what you have been through. But, you are NOT alone. I want to repeat it over and over to you because I thought I was 3 months ago, locked in my prison of despair. Don't get me wrong, I will never get over the loss of the best man I have ever known, but I will live, if only for my son, minute by minute, hour by hour. With a little help from my friends here.

I am sending all my love and courage to you xxxx

 

[MartyT]

(This is one of the reasons why we missed you so much, Debi. Thank you for saying this ^^ so beautifully.)

[debi.williams]

Marty, thank you so so much. I cannot tell you how much I have missed you and your compassion and that of every wonderful soul on here. This forum is, quite literally a lifesaver, and I pray I can win the lottery here because I know who my first donation will be to! The work you do is how humanity should be, working as one to ease our way through this, sometimes perplexing and tough, world xx

[MartyT]

♥

[kayc]

Debi,

That is a beautiful thoughtful response.  If you win the lottery we'll all clap for joy!

[debi.williams]

You are in MY HEAD Tonight Euromillions is 111,000,000 EUROS  I kid you not (played 3 lines) and I was asking Mathew to guide the numbers (not fair or possible but heck!) then I was thinking about what I would do, then stirring the chilli for Max's dinner thought:

1. This website

2. Huge 'meet' for you, me, and everyone, somewhere beautiful (Maldives Kay or maybe Mexico?)

3. Fund the Vets shame governments shame on them who let our very best suffer)

4.Children, always children, our future

5. The 'Afterlife' more research needed and more 'silence' stopped. So many people are scared to voice an opinion because we live in such a material world.

 

What would be yours Kay? xxxx

 

[kayc]

Gosh, I've never let myself dream, but it'd sure be nice to be out of debt and have basic needs met!  It'd be great for a meet up, for sure!

[debi.williams]

I haven't had chance to check the numbers yet, but I'll keep you posted! 

[kevin]

[kayc]

Very apt, Kevin.

[debi.williams]

So true Kevin. 

[debi.williams]

Kay, the Lottery is a rollover so will play again on Friday x

[kayc]

[debi.williams]

As you probably realised Kay, didn't win BUT no one did so another chance tomorrow (Tuesday)!