I Feel Like I'm Starting To Lose It !

[Guest Guest_Shubom_*]

I feel like I'm starting to lose it. I was doing ok this morning, but now I'm losing it. My mother died in her sleep and they couldn't give us an immediate answer on what happened. Now they're saying the autopsy will take months before we know. I'm not sure if I want to know. But I just can't stop thinking about what happened. My mother was 56, had high blood pressure and was a smoker. She became very depressed after my father passed away 6 years ago. All of a sudden stopped taking her blood pressure medicine. I didn't find out till later about 1 year before she passed. She didn't want to get it checked out. We begged her, but she said she fine. I just felt like I could have done more ! you know?! My dad died and I'm sure he wanted me to take care of her. But she just wouldn't go to the doctor. 2 months before she passed away, she complained of a sharp chest pain. But didn't say anything till the next morning. And still refused to get it checked out. I just don't understand and my mind is going a mile a minute on what could have happened. I can't believe she's gone!!! A similar thing happened with my father where his sugar levels went so high and he didn't want to go to the hospital until he could even walk or see straight! The next day he died of a heart attack ! Why did my parents not care about themselves anymore !!! when they always told me to watch out for myself. Somehow I just don't think I did enough to save her !!! or my father !!! It's driving me crazy !

[Steve]

Somehow I just don't think I did enough to save her !!! or my father !!! It's driving me crazy !

my deepest condolences. My story is in some ways the same, and in many different. My mom died at the age of 53. she had two heart attacks and a history of astma and other breathing problems. despite her health, she gave to everyone else. but no one ever mentioned the possibility of losing her.

my dad, however, moved on as if almost nothing had happened. a total workaholic, he never asked us how we dealt with it, this despite my brother and i finding her dead. And me performing CPR on her and my brother having to talk to the 911 operator while I did so.

It took a major catostrophe in my own life to put the pieces together.

But anyway, Id urge you to get some form of counseling. Grief and held in guilt can totally take its toll in ways many cant imagine.

God bless, and remember, its not the child's job ultimatley to parent the grown up, despite that you feel about it.

[shell]

Oh Shubom, please don't go there. I know exactly how you feel, honestly, but I've learned (the sad way) that you just can't force people to do what they should. I don't think it's that they don't care enough about themselves (or others, for that matter), it's just fear. I can relate to this, because I'm terrified of medical stuff and don't take as good a care of myself as I should because of this crippling fear. I'm sure you did everything possible, but unfortunately it is ultimately up to them. Don't be so hard on yourself, you weren't responsible for their deaths.

Hugs,

Shell

[Maylissa]

Shubom,

I have to agree with everyone else. There's only so much we can do with our parents, and many people, of any generation, won't go to doctors just because someone else ( no matter who that is ) wants them to. I see it everyday, with all sorts of couples and singles.

I also carry regrets about the things I couldn't do for my Mom, but there's a difference. There were many reasons I couldn't do things to make her get well, but I also know, for almost all of them, it wasn't my fault. She was alcoholic, codependant, ill for years....I couldn't stop any of that, and so she ultimately got too ill for her body to hold up any longer and had a stroke, which led to her death in the end. But if it hadn't been the stroke, it would have been something else, as she had so many conditions that could have been fatal at some point. So I carry more regret than actual guilt, and there IS a difference between the two. For example, I'd sent her an immersion blender, plus healthy supplies, based on all of her conditions, so that she could easily make herself healthy smoothies, as I also knew she wasn't eating properly, or enough and was probably suffering from malnutrition as well. Last time I'd asked her, she'd never even used it. I can't tell you the number of times through my life that I've had to force myself to realize that I had little to no control over her head, heart or poor decisions. It was always heart-wrenching, but I had to see that her life was her's, to do with as she wanted. I usually made the attempt to educate her and let her know someone ( me ) cared enough to mention it, sometimes more than once, but I also had to make sure that when I said things, I also accepted that she probably wouldn't listen to me, either. It's just the way people are. Try to think of a time when someone wanted you to do something that you just didn't want to do, no matter the reasons, and then try to apply this to your parents....we're all the same, at certain points, on certain points.

So please don't beat yourself up over how things happened. You did what you felt you could at the time, and that's all you can ask of yourself, and all that anyone can realistically ask of you...including yourself.

[tattoodlb]

I am sorry for your loss Shubom; and I also have to agree with everyone, especially Maylissa; parents are really bad at taking advice or direction from their kids...

My mother also had various medical problems and chose not to take care of herself and that was her thing, but what I also realized is that she liked to blame others for her problems, which did not sit well with me...so, I visited, comforted, and was there as often as I could have been but kept my mouth shut for the most part. If a person chooses a certain path, it is not up to us to interfere, we can suggest but that is it. I no longer feel guilt about my mom's death, but I am angry that things worked out the way they did. She was selfish and unfortunately there is not much we can do about that, either.

Pat yourself on the back for the support you did give, but don't beat yourself up for what you can't control, and the only thing you can control is yourself.

May peace and happy memories comfort you at this time.

[MartyT]

My dear Shubom,

Unfortunately, as you have discovered, guilt is a natural and common component of grief. It’s a normal response to the perception that we’ve somehow failed in our duties and obligations or that we’ve done something wrong. It generates a whole mixture of feelings including doubt, shame, inadequacy, insecurity, failure, unworthiness, self judgment and blame, anxiety and fear of punishment.

When a loved one dies, it’s only human for us to search for an explanation, to dwell on the why’s, what if’s and if only’s. Even if there is no basis for it, we often feel guilty for what we did or didn’t do, said or failed to say when our loved one was alive. We adult children often think that it is our personal responsibility to keep our parents healthy, protect them from illness and save them from death – and we feel like failures when we discover that we cannot.

In his book, Understanding Your Grief, Alan Wolfelt writes,

The “if-onlys” are natural for you to explore, even if there is no logical way in which you are responsible for the death. What you’re really feeling, at bottom, is a lack of control over what happened. And accepting that we have little control over the lives of those we love is a difficult thing indeed.

You ask why your parents didn’t care enough about themselves to take better care of their own health, which of course reflects your own need to understand, as you search for answers you can live with. This, too, is a normal and very healthy response to loss. Death and dying are mysteries to be pondered, and there is no satisfactory explanation when loss occurs – but it’s important that we ask such questions anyway.

Death forces us to confront the spiritual questions we may have been avoiding or haven’t taken time to address – the questions that get at the very heart and meaning of life: Why this? Why me? Why now? Who am I now that this person has died? Where do I go from here? As grief educator and author Harold Ivan Smith points out in his book, Grievers Ask, “Grappling with the ‘why’ questions are the heart of the hard work of grief . . . Never be in a hurry to formulate or settle on an answer.” He goes on to suggest that a better question than Why me? might be instead, If me, what can I learn from this? “Some individuals will never find an acceptable answer to a ‘why’ question,” he writes, “but about 99.9 percent of the time you will find an acceptable answer to a ‘now what’ question.”

Here is one mother’s poignant description of how she moved through that very process:

For a long time I was obsessed with why Mitch had ended his life.

I thought that I needed to discover the real cause of his hopelessness.

I studied and analyzed what I believed to be his suicide note . . .

Finally, I perceived that a death by suicide is a result of factors too numerous to count.

I wanted to know why, but I didn't have to have an answer in order to go on living my own life.

Even the most experienced and astute investigators

are finally forced to make what at best is only an educated guess.

It is important, however, to ask why.

It is important to worry about why,

because one finally exhausts possibility after possibility

and ultimately one tires of the fruitless search.

Then it is time to let it go and to start healing.

-- Iris Bolton

in My Son...My Son: A Guide to Healing After a Suicide in the Family

Wishing you peace and healing,

Marty T