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Lost My Dad Monday


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Hi, I posted yesterday that my Dad had passed on Monday the 24th at 3:30 in the afternoon in my arms. He had parkinsons and dementia. He was 84 and had gone thru alot of good days and bad days. But the last 5 weeks he went into a spiral so fast that the last day still came as a shock even though the hospice gave me a book with the symptoms of the last weeks and months. I have been reading the different posts and it helps to know that others are feeling the same way I do, which is not to feel much of anything. Can't sleep, can't eat, can't think, forget time and days and conversations. My Mom and I went to the mortuary yesterday and set everything up and we are having him cremated as that is what him and Mom had talked about doing. We go see him tomorrow for the last time before he is cremated. We picked out an urn and two little ones for my mom and for my brother, I am getting a necklace with a lock of his hair inside of it so he will always be next to my heart. Tell me if that is weird, because some people think that having a penant made is a little too wacky or going overboard. but it seems to be stuck in my head that that is what I want to do. I feel guilty because I am not crying or feeling much of anything. I don't understand why I am not sobbing or doing something to let it out. I try to talk to my family and they live 1500 miles away and they did not take care of him like mom and I did for the last five years or so. In fact they really don't want to hear any of the things we have done or what we want to do. I get angry about that because I need to talk about it and they refuse to even call me back. People that I don't hardly know at all are more compassionate and empathetic than my own family. But I guess I saw the deteroration everyday and have been better prepared and feel relief for him, because he is not hurting or being humiliated anymore. My mom married him in 1943 when she was 18, their 60th anniversary was Nov 4th, 2003. I am really worried for her, because she is lost. We are both unsure of the future and cannot imagine life without him. He is and was our rock. Maybe after I see him tomorrow I can start to release or at least not think he is just in the hospital and we didn't go see him today. I am sorry this is so long, but I really have no one to talk to and need to share and talk and talk and talk. I keep coming up and checking my computer for a reply but no one has replied yet. I guess like birth, death is something we all have to go thru alone. I just don't want to lose my mind, and not even know it. Thanks for reading this, Kim

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Dear Kim,

I read your post this morning and have been thinking about you. I wanted to address you wanting to keep a something of your fathers. I hope that you went ahead and did that, as I would of done anything to have something of my Soul mates, his beautifull hair, or just something that smelled like him for a while. I have nothing. I was not allowed to be part of his dying or his creamation. His children took care of everything. My story is also long and I posted it what seems like years ago. On sunday it will have been 77 very long and bleak days without him. I found myself think that I would rather be dead today than without him tomorrow, Im doing better about that now but it has been difficult. I miss him so much my heart feels like it has been smashed with a meat tenderizer.

There is this person named "bobsqal", she will read your post and send you the warmest post. She replied to me on my post and I have printed what she said and read it a million times a day. I dont know why but her words comfort me. If you have read other posts you will see that it takes a few days sometimes even a week for someone to respond to you. Just when I think I cant make it another day I pull up my post and someone has said something kind and that will help me through the day.

Even after all theses days with out him I still dont have my life back in order or even feel like I can make it, but for some reason I make it through the day. They say it gets better with time, I guess its getting better or I have just learned to go through the motions......Im not sure which. But I have learned there are many stages of grieving....and that on somedays you end up going back two steps. I have lost other people in my life but I never thought I would be this young and be without the person that was my life.

Just take one hour at a time and soon it will turn into one day at a time. I tell myself every morning before I get out of bed, "I can make it through this day", and everynight before I finally fall asleep I say, "I made it through this day."

Take care of yourself and remember, people here are thinking of you.

Sincerely

Soul mate left behind

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Hi Kim,

I'm sorry to hear that your father passed on Monday. It's sad that we have to lose our loved ones, and one day our loved ones have to lose us. That's why it's so important to love one another while we are still here.

I think what you wish to do in memory of your father, (the pendant), is just beautiful, it's not weird at all. You are the one who had a relationship with your father, it's your personal choice. You have enough to worry about right now, then to worry about insensitivity of people.

Try not to feel guilty that you are not crying for your father. The way I see it, we already begin grieving for our loved ones, before they pass, because of their illness and all, like you, I also saw the deterioration over the years, it's heartbreaking. Like your father, who had Parkinson and Dimentia. You really do feel for them when they are ill like that. My mother also had Parkinson and Musculor dystrophy, she passed away in Sept. 2001, she was 60 years old. Although we did not have a loving relationship, I still tried my best and did what I could for her. I also had to take care of my own family, my children.

You must feel relieved that you were able to be with your father when he passed away. Please don't feel that you did not receive an immediate response, that nobody cares. Hang in there Kim.

Peace be with you

Sincerely,

Shevonne

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Hi Kim,

Just a quick note to let you know you are not out there alone tonight. I am so very sorry that you lost your dad and that you have need of a place like this, but I hope you find that you can say all that is on your mind and feel like there are friends here that understand your pain and loss. It is never easy to lose someone who meant so very much in our life. You have known your dad all of your life, and from him has come the unconditional love that only a parent can give to their child. No matter how old we get, that relationship is special.

I only hope you don't worry too much about how you are getting through this grief, as there is no right or wrong way. One thing that I learned in my grief from the loss of my husband was not to use another's experience as a yardstick to measure my progress. Each relationship between two people is totally unique. No one else in this world had your relationship with your dad, and how you go about sorting through his death and your acceptance of the loss is totally unique to you. We all go through the stages, but each of us experience them differently, in different order.

I know what you mean about your comfort in finding a group such as this, and the relief when reading the other posts and finding out that others understand your feelings so well. When Bob first died I was so totally devastated, I couldn't cry, I was just in shock. Eventually the armor began to crack a little, and when I couldn't stand the pain those cracks let in, my mind would fog over again to give me the rest I needed. Eventually I got online and that is when my healing began. When I found a group that dealt with loss and grief, and I saw from what others had written that I was pretty normal after all.

I found for me, telling my story over and over to any who would listen brought me peace and healing. Try to let go of the pain from family and friends not understanding. Many times they really don't understand, and they don't know how to talk to you. They want you to be better, to get back to normal, but that "normal" changed when you lost your dad. You will eventually find a peaceful place, and things will even out. You will always miss your dad, but your memories will bring more calm and loving memories than the nightmares of his illness.

I think your plan for a remembrance necklace is wonderful. I hope you don't worry about what others may think of it. It is a wonderful tribute to your dad and your love for him.

I am sending you many warm hugs to wrap yourself in tonight to remind you there are many of us out here holding you as you begin this journey.

Love and Blessings,

Lynda (bobsgal)

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  • 2 weeks later...

Hi everyone, thank you so much for your kind words and helpfull dialogue. I guess I was in shock for a week or so, but I went and picked up my Dad's ashes, and I did get that lock of hair in a heart necklace, and got a flask pendant for my brother. Well that was yesterday. And reality set in. I am crying all the time and my Mom and I have talked and find ourselves blaming the Hospice (Harbor House) in Las Vegas is where I am from, I lived with my parents for the last 8 years or so. Since my father had a heart attack, and I decided to go back to college and get my degree. I feel cheated because the hospice was not completely honest with us in a way. We did not know that we could no longer take Dad to the hospital, or I guess when he got sick and I wanted to take him to the hospital the hospice did nothing to help him. I know we had signed a DNR. But I thought that they would help him if he was having trouble breathing. I started calling at 9 am and the nurse got there at 3:20 and Mom ran out to the car and told her Dad was dying and I was trying to help him and she said she was doing paperwork and came in 10 minutes later and said he died at 3:40 when he actually died at 3:30. The woman sat on the phone and laughed with the mortuary person about her accent with my father two feet away and me and Mom sobbing. She did nothing to help us and I truly believe they just let my father die. Which was not the way it was explained to me. I thought they would still treat him, but not hook him up to life support systems or hook him up to a feeder so he wouldn't starve to death. I didn't know that they would wait all day and let my father die because we did not understand that a dnr meant no treatment whatsoever if he got sick. Also the person never even offered any help to my mother or me, she upset my mother very much sitting at our kiitchen table laughing while my father had just died 10 minutes before. I know anger is a part of the steps, but this person has been in this business too long. She has lost all compassion and empathy. I don't want to blame anyone for his death, he was in third stage Parkinsons. But I didn't expect their total disrespect for my family. I will be sure to tell others about this paticular hospice, and tell people that they know for sure that their loved ones are going to die in thier arms with no help from anyone at this hospice. I am just starting to grieve I know, but my feelings about this are real and not just because of grief. Kimber

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hi kim~

i haven't checked in in a while, but i read your story and felt a need to reply.

my dad died on june 9, 2003, after battling colon cancer for over a year. he was 72. he and my mom "celebrated" their 47th anniversary while he lay dying. i am experiencing much of what you are feeling. the most difficult aspect for me has been trying to let go of the images of the suffering, pain and degradation of a wonderful, caring and very private man. i will be fine for a few days and then suddenly, i see him in those last days and i truly cannot believe that it was what he was reduced to and i sat there helplessly watching.

i understand your anger with the way his hospice treatment was handled. many in the medical profession lack the compassion or understandng to realize that this is NOT an every day occurrence for most of the families they are dealing with and they fail to explain the prcoedures in enough detail for us to gain full knowledge of what is and will be happening. in our case, hospice was wonderful. my dad was actually in a VITAS Hospice facility for nine days after we had him trasferred from a hospital where we had to hunt down nurses to administer his pain and anti~anxiety meds for three days. our greatest disappointment was with my dad's oncologist. she came to see me and my mom in the emergency room the day he was brought in (for the umpteenth time in the last year) she actually waved her hand dismissively at him when he was trying to speak and told us she'd have him admitted and check back on him. HOURS later he was still in the ER when a kindly nurse finally told my mom the truth that there was little else they could do for him, he was dying. they were going to let him die in the ER!!! the family demanded to have him placed in a privare room. the next morning the SAME dr. said "i can't believe he made it through the night." to my mother. she didn't have the courage or decency to look her in the face the day befoer and tell her the truth and what to expect, she left it to an ER nurse. we still were very unaware of the stages he was going through, the tearing at his clothes and sheets, pulling on our arms to get up, staring, pointing at unseen visions...all of it agonizig to witness because we had no idea it was NORMAL! i cannot tell you how that still haunts me.

i guess i am writing to say that nearly six months later i am still crying, in my car, when i rock my baby to sleep, when i go to visit my mother and see that empty chair at the table, the unused side of the bed...

i try to write as much as i can, to get it out. i try to talk to whomever will listen, i come here when i can. i have also attended a bereavement group sponsored by the hospice which has been somewhat helpful. have you addressed your anger at the hospice, either by directly contacting them regarding the lack of information provided and the lack of compassion of the nurse? even if you just wrote an "anger" letter to get the feelings out it may help, you may even find you are able to send it. i have written a rough draft to the dr. but haven't been able to bring myself to go back to it yet. i am still to enraged.

i hope you are able to find some peace. i still struggle every day. mostly with just missing a very special person. if will check back to see how you are. take good care of yourself and your mom. ~alice

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Hi Kimber. This is Sally. You emailed me about a week ago concerning me losing my faith after my mother died November 14th. I am just wondering how you are doing. I can relate to much of what you have been discussing in your emails. There is not much I can add to what others have said. I think it is wonderful that you have the locket. I would have loved to have a remembrance like that from both my father and mother. I can also relate to all the "lost" feelings. One thing I think I am figuring out, though, is that no matter what I think, feel or do regarding my grief (outside verbal or physical violence), it is normal for "me." In other words, there may be shared grief behaviors, but this is my own private grief that I have to work through in my own way. So I am letting myself go through it. I am giving myself permission to break down when need be as well as to hold it together when need be. I hope this makes sense to you. I am keeping you and your mother in my prayers. I was there with my Mom when my Dad died ten years ago. She may seem really lost for awhile, but with you by her side, I am sure she will be ok. The thing is Kimber, is that it is obvious that you are a wonderful, compassionate person. What a testament to your parents. Your father's love and kindness lives on through you. God bless you and have a peaceful holiday. I guess I did have something to add!

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Hi

I just lost my mom 3 weeks ago. It was a tragedy in one way and had been coming for a long time in anther. I am grieving the shock, the void and the fact that no matter what I can't try anymore to help her. I am angry, why me, I ask. Why so many years of pain and sadness and to end this way is not fair. My mom was 60. I am lost, displaced most of the time. I have two girls and a little boy we adopted that was severely abused. I am so needed at home, I just seem to have a hard time finding my way back there. My Dad is devastated, 46 years, they were married when she was barely 15. My Dad is so lonely, my current worry is that he will too die of pure sadness and a broken heart. The holidays, those Christmas songs use to make me smile, now I can barely listen to them at all. Is this normal?? Will I ever feel happy again? I just cannot believe it!! My Dad is asking me if he should sell his house. He said he is scared there now and feels my mom is trying to take him with her?? Should he, how can I tell him an answer. I struggle each day..............

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Dear Jenny,

Just a quick note to let you know that you are not alone out there tonight. You are being heard.

I am so very sorry that you have reason to search out a group such as this, but I also am so very thankful that it is here for you to come to. Three weeks is such a short time from your mom's loss. I lost my husband, not my parent, but I know what the devastation feels like. It sounds as if you have so much on your plate with your family and your dad. Perhaps there is someone your dad could visit for a while, although I know first hand that running away won't take the pain away, or change the facts. If at all possible, keep your dad from making any rash decisions for a while, especially in regards to selling his home.

Remember to take time out for yourself in this. You need to feel what you are feeling and to cry, rant and rave, to make some sense of this senseless situation you are in. Just do what you can, and when you can't do any more, just walk away and do what you need to do to survive. I found for myself that I was immersed in a deep cushion of shock that kind of keep things at bay for a long while. When my mind thought it could take it, the realization of my loss would ebb over me like a wave until I couldn't take the pain any longer, then that blessed shock would wrap its arms around me and I would sink into that oblivion once again.

It is perfectly normal to feel overwhelmed here at the holidays. When everyone else is eagerly looking forward to family get together's, and happy times, and you are at a place where you can't begin to understand why your mom had to die and how can you ever find peace again? I can remember resenting others joy at celebrations and get together's. I felt like my loss was tattooed across my face, that surely others must see it and be aware of my widowhood and how dare they continue on as if nothing has changed when everything in the world had changed for me. I can remember counting days, how the pain just about took me down when the month of September started and I could no longer make the statement that Bob was alive in that month.

To put it simply Jenny, what you are feeling is normal. We each go through many of the same stages and emotions, some at different times, or for longer or shorter periods of time. In the end we hurt so bad because the person we are missing was loved so much. They were such a huge part of our life, that life will never be quite the same without their being physically with us. Eventually we come to the understanding that physical death cannot take them from us, as long as we remember them, speak their name, think of them with love, they are with us always.

You are being thought of tonight with much love, and I am sending you warm hugs to wrap yourself in. I will be keeping you and your dad in my prayers that you given some sense of peace to get you through these holidays. When I light my memorial candle on Christmas Eve I will add your mom to my prayers.

Love and Blessings,

Lynda (bobsgal)

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