Paul S Posted March 8, 2006 Report Share Posted March 8, 2006 (This is, like, the 3rd time I've tried writing this post, but each time the dang thing gets deleted when I hit a command such as "copy and paste" or "bold". By the Great Googly Moogly I will not leave this place until I have achieved VICTORY and have posted this missive!!!)OK, I'm actually feeling better, now, but so what?Yesterday was the 4th month anniversary of my Mom's death.I still feel that after this time I have not fully grieved over her, or that if I do, I will not emerge from the pit of despair. I have been beset my material problems that have distracted me from grief, problems that are connected with her death. I feel that my mind is fracturing, that I am being hemmed in and trapped by everything, and there will be no end to this suffering. It is a constant companion that seems to not ever want to leave. Part of me seems to feel that I have no business grieving over her. After all, she was 89 and in poor health. Couldn't I have seen it coming and have better prepared myself for it?? (To quote a niece who used perfect 20-20 hindsight in her tough-love advice) Also, she was just my Mom, not a wife or child. Parents are supposed to die before their kids and the feelings of grief that I have after 4 months are best reserved for these others. (I know better after having been on this board for a while, in addition to having had f2f grief counseling. But still, I feel what I feel.)I feel that the squirrel cage will never stop. I feel better after a while and then get whacked by some problem or emotion or memory. Then the squirrel cage gets running and my mind goes off at warp speed. After a while it slows down and the squirrel leaves, but I'm just tired.I still go to bed at 7 or 8 PM. Blissfully welcoming sleep as a little death or escape. I awaken 9-11 hours later resentful at having to experience another butt-draggin' day of abject misery. I miss my Mom a lot, and feel that Reality is just someone's nightmare and I'm their stand-in. There are gods or demons and they're all laughing at me. "Heh-heh-heh, what can we do to him, today?" I remember things, and want to talk to her, but can't. I reach out, and there's no one there. This all just seems so unreal. I am supposed to build a new life, but feel hamstrung. I just need to vent and air all this out. This prob ain't anything new, but I'm feeling isolated.***sigh***Paul S. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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