can grief tear a family apart?

[rdownes]

Well it is going on almost three and a half months since Kevin left us and instead of getting closer it feels like we are falling apart at the seems. Out of my seven children five still live at home only one is a minor. My one daughter posted on her Facebook talking to her father telling him that the house is a train wreck since he left us that he was the glue that kept us all together. When Kevin first passed everyone was so close and doing things for each other pulling together now the longer he is gone the more it is changing back to the old ways I won't go into it to much but let's just say living with a dad who had bipolar was not easy they picked up alot of his angry ways of coping in just a few weeks we are losing the closeness I am not saying I am perfect but I am not angry at anything I don't have the energy anymore but yes I am sad beyond words my it just feels like we are falling apart my one daughter used to come over with her kids once a week when her dad was alive with her children now its once a month I know we all grieve different and are affected different but I truly thought the closeness would last.

[WolfsKat]

Unfortunately.......this CAN happen.....family dynamics that were actually in place (although perhaps in an undercurrent) before the loss, can come into play, after such a traumatic loss.  Every family member is hurting, upset, and processing their loss in the only way they can, both good and bad.  I've seen evidence of this far too many times within my own family.....and it is hurtful.  In time....it seems that once all of the initial grief is "over".........the ones involved tend to take some sort of steps to get back to something resembling a family solidarity.......when they realize that now.....all they have is each other.  It does take time (how I do detest that, I am an impatient person!) and being able to come to grips with the loss......and family dynamics are such a tricky thing.......if you, yourself, are doing your best....be content with that...and be good to yourself........hopefully, the other family members will get past this, and find a way to be at peace with each other, and have some cohesiveness, as a family!

 

[KATPILOT]

Robin I'm so sorry this is happening to you. It does happen though sometimes. Often in those cases after some time the family comes back together. It's not a bad idea to mention to everyone concerned what you said about grieving differently but remind them that you are still a family and the door will never be closed. Once said, the thought will always be in their minds giving them time to think and return to that open door. It's very hard on you now. Maybe the house seems like a train wreck for in death, what's left behind seems like wreckage. When the smoke clears, those left standing can see each other.

[kayc]

I'm sorry, Robin.  It's common in grief to band together when you first have the loss, but then it seems the kids move on and we're left alone with our grief and our "new life".  At least that's how it was for me.  In the end I was left on my own.  But (I started to write "in real life"...interesting, perhaps I think of my life with George, before his death, subconsciously, as "real life") even without the death of our husband, the kids would naturally grow up and move on and come home less and less.  That seems the natural order of things.  Maybe not in everyone's situation, but in a lot of them.

I am sorry things are seeming explosive in your home though.  Have you tried talking to the kids about handling things a different way?  Of showing respect to each other, in spite of their feelings?  In another section Marty lists some anger articles, and one of the links talked about healthy ways of handling anger, it might give you some things to talk about with your kids.

I know this is not what you need right now, you have your hands full dealing with your own loss.  Are you seeing a counselor?  Are your kids?  If not, maybe family counseling might help you all through this time.

[rdownes]

It is crazy  last night we were actually all talking again the kids seem to have issues with each other alot I have expressed stuff to each of them about difference in grief about anger not bringing dad back  I know it is hard and none of us have dealt with a loss like this maybe some time is needed my daughter is moving with my grandson she said she has to get him away from the sadness which really means me I am doing better is spending time with him but I am no where near the person I was and I won't be am I sad yes and that will never go away. No one is in counseling yes right now stress is bad on me on top of trying to stay afloat in bills now that Kevin is gone I have the stress of what is going on in the family on top of dealing with Kevins passing it is all so much hugs to all

[kayc]

It IS a lot, Robin, and I'm so sorry to hear your daughter is moving away with your granddaughter.  I hope she won't be too far away.  Grandchildren can help give us impetus to live...I wish so much that my grandbaby wasn't as far away as she is.  I wish I could babysit her now and then.

I'm sorry you feel the weight of everything on you.  You seem very astute, but this just takes it's toll no matter how good you deal with it.

[rdownes]

Thank you Kaycee it is about two hours away I will miss my grandson, I only see my grandchildren once a month now if I am lucky it makes me sadder they bring me a sense of joy with their innocence but it was bound to happen I just have to get through it like everything else I guess.

[kayc]

That is how it is with me...2 1/2 hours away.  I see my granddaughter once a month but last month didn't get to because her mom canceled (she was sick).  Haven't heard from any of them since.  And she didn't even cancel with me, she told my sister, who relayed it to me.  It's tough watching our kids getting further and further from us.

Yeah, we get through it all, doesn't make it right or easy though!  (((hugs)))