moondiamond Posted September 1, 2016 Report Share Posted September 1, 2016 hello everyone, my name is laura and i am writing here today as i am struggling with the very recent passing of my beloved siamese cat. he was 8 years old and had a chronic heart condition that he succumbed to a week ago today. when he was first diagnosed, he was given a poor prognosis of 3-6 months. he survived for 18 months. i tried in every way to prepare myself for the inevitable after finding out about his heart problem, but i am still so saddened by this loss nonetheless. my hubby loved him just as much as me - he is heart broken as well and his sadness is also tremendously difficult for me to witness. our little siamese was the absolute light in our lives - the happiest part of my day was rushing home to see him. we always spent so much time with him, he was always right beside us. always cuddled on the couch with us to watch a movie, or right on the kitchen table at dinner time. there's such a void now at home without him and i cannot get images of his final day on earth out of my head. i want to honour his memory in a happier way than to just be so sorrowful at this loss. i am trying to process my grief as it comes but i am afraid that i will never be able to overcome how much i miss him. i have always been an animal lover and a cat lover specifically - before this loss i never would have hestitated to open my heart and home to cats in need. i am so afraid that i have lost this part of myself and will never be able to love another cat again. i don't want to replace his space in my heart or his home (our house). just looking for some support from others who understand how difficult loss of our pet friends is. thank you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted September 1, 2016 Report Share Posted September 1, 2016 I am sorry you lost your cat...as a huge animal lover, I can understand your feelings of loss and how the grief can feel so all encompassing. I recently lost my Miss Mocha, and then nearly lost Kitty, who is 20. A year after my husband died, I lost King George, my 19 year old cat. I've also lost dogs over the years that I was extremely close to. Each loss I've had was of an animal that could not be replaced. They each had their place in my heart, their own unique personalities, and their own family dynamics. Yet I've found that given time to process their death that I found myself wanting to share my life with another...not to replace them, that could never happen, but to expand my life and shower someone with the love that lives on inside of me. I think with each one, I've had more to give, not less. At least, that's been my experience. Right now I am so close to my dog Arlie, and my cat Kitty, I cannot imagine being as close to any other...yet knowing myself, I am almost certain that when the time comes, I will share my heart with another. I will never stop missing the ones that are gone, I will never forget them...and I look forward to being with them again. I hope this link can bring you some comfort...it is my belief that as energy changes form, we do not cease to exist, but live beyond this life that we know now...https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZcQvYh_3Atw Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
moondiamond Posted September 1, 2016 Author Report Share Posted September 1, 2016 hi kayc, thank you so much for your quick response and kindness. i am so sorry for all of your losses - miss mocha, king george, and your husband you must be such a strong woman to survive such loss. i am a huge animal lover too - the loss of my sweet little siamese cat has been traumatic for me. i have a lot of difficulty in my regular life accepting animal suffering in general. so having lost a cat that is my own has been exceptionally difficult, obviously. i miss him so much. it's really hard to go home after work every day to an empty house. my home used to be my solace and happy place but now i just want to keep driving right past it every night after work, as i know my baby isn't there anymore i hope i can be happy and comfortable in my home again and find some peace. i also hope that i don't become numb to my love for animals, especially cats. with some time i hope i can have a similar experience to you with your pets and be close with another animal companion in the future. thank you for the video link. i am going to watch it tonight with a cup of tea. i'm at work right now trying to just get through the day. i have been watching youtube videos about grief and doing a lot of reading online and find it helpful. i'm sure this video will help me too, i appreciate you sharing it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MartyT Posted September 1, 2016 Report Share Posted September 1, 2016 I too am so sorry for your loss, my dear, and having loved and lost a number of beloved animal companions myself, I know how much this hurts ~ and I know how it leaves such an emptiness in your home and your heart. You said you want to honor your baby's memory in a happier way, and I think finding a way to do that may help you as you work your way through your grief. There are dozens upon dozens of ways to do just that, and I hope this article (along with the links listed at the base) will give you some ideas: Memorializing Pets We Have Lost ♥ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
moondiamond Posted September 1, 2016 Author Report Share Posted September 1, 2016 hi martyT, thank you for your kind response. the article link you provided was also helpful. my hubby and i are awaiting our baby's remains from the vet clinic. when we get them back we plan to do a little ceremony for him and light a blue candle in his honour (we always associated him with the colour blue because of his brilliant blue eyes). we also decided that every year on his birthday we will be making a donation to an animal santuary/humane society in his name. hopefully these things will be a small comfort. just hoping i can adjust to our sad new norm without him at home 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MartyT Posted September 1, 2016 Report Share Posted September 1, 2016 You will adjust in time, my dear ~ but take all the time you need to mourn the loss of him. We do not mourn for those we do not love, and clearly you loved your baby dearly. Your heart is hurting, I know. ♥ Do you have a photo of your baby you could share with us? He sounds like such a beauty, and we would love to see a picture of him. And what was his name? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
moondiamond Posted September 1, 2016 Author Report Share Posted September 1, 2016 thank you so much for your kindness and comforting words. it's comforting that someone is out there who cares enough and understands what i feel right now. our little one's name was Ninja and he was the most beautiful, sweet-natured chocolate point siamese. i attached a photo of him. i miss him so much i wish i could just reach through the screen and kiss his little face. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted September 2, 2016 Report Share Posted September 2, 2016 10 hours ago, moondiamond said: it's really hard to go home after work every day to an empty house. That's the trouble, we grieve not only them but all of our routines and everything we were used to doing together...snuggling, etc. Here is a picture of my Miss Mocha...she also had blue eyes and I suspect was a Siamese mix although she had a dainty little voice. Your Ninja is very beautiful! I love your idea of honoring him through donations. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MartyT Posted September 2, 2016 Report Share Posted September 2, 2016 Your kitties are so beautiful ~ thank you both for sharing photos of them! Ninja and Miss Mocha ~ such perfect names you gave to them! ♥ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
moondiamond Posted September 3, 2016 Author Report Share Posted September 3, 2016 kay, your miss mocha is so beautiful! what a dainty little girl. her coat is so beautiful! i wish i could pet her lovely fur! you must miss her dearly thank you for sharing her photo. today i felt a tiny bit better. i tried to have a relaxing day to myself and went to get some exercise, did some shopping, and went out to get dinner. i decided that anytime i am feeling sad, i am going to pick up my guitar and play. i played years ago, but i never seem to find time anymore. i've decided a nice way to honour ninja is to use my energy to start playing guitar again. i miss my baby so much but i am really trying to find ways to direct my energy to postive things to honour his memory. so when i am feeling really down about it, i'll pick up my guitar. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cheryl J Posted September 3, 2016 Report Share Posted September 3, 2016 Losing animals are so hard because they are part of the family. I miss my Bodie everyday. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
moondiamond Posted September 3, 2016 Author Report Share Posted September 3, 2016 hi cheryl, aw bodie is so cute. he has such a sweet little face losing them is definitely tough 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted September 3, 2016 Report Share Posted September 3, 2016 moondiamond, Your focusing on playing the guitar is a positive action to substitute, much like chinup's spending time with horses in her grief. Yes, I miss Miss Mocha, just last night I was wishing she was here cuddling with me, she used to push up against me so she didn't leave me any room. She was a chair thief and a bed hog! I miss her feminine little voice and her big blue eyes, which she'd blink blink in a flirtatious way. I never had an animal that was so feminine and flirtatious! When she got a man's attention she'd look at me real smug as if to say, "See? I got him! " It is hard, we always miss our animals when we lose them, each one so unique and no one else able to fill that void left by them. Cheryl, I love Bodie's eyes, they kind of melt you! 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cheryl J Posted September 3, 2016 Report Share Posted September 3, 2016 Yes they do Kayc!! 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
moondiamond Posted September 6, 2016 Author Report Share Posted September 6, 2016 hi everyone, still struggling today, but i think i maybe feel just slightly better with each passing day. the hard moments hit me out of nowhere and i am inconsolable. just now, i wanted so much to look at photos of my sweet little kitty. but i am finding it SO hard and SO painful to look at pictures of him. should i look anyways? will it help me to conquer my fear of this grief? it's like i so badly want to look at his pictures but i just cannot bring myself to i just looked at two pictures (of hundreds that i have of him) and it spiked a feeling of despair. i don't want to look at his photos and feel this way. i want to be able to look at his photos and remember him in a loving way. any advice would be appreciated. thank you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted September 7, 2016 Report Share Posted September 7, 2016 Do what brings you comfort. It may be that it's simply too soon for you to handle looking at pictures. It doesn't hurt to cry though, it's part of the grief process, I don't think there's any way to avoid it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MartyT Posted September 7, 2016 Report Share Posted September 7, 2016 It struck me that you used the word "depair" to describe what you were feeling, dear one, and it reminded me of this wonderful article I stumbled upon this morning. You may find that it speaks to you: Despair ♥ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
moondiamond Posted September 8, 2016 Author Report Share Posted September 8, 2016 thank you for sharing the article marty. i read it through completely and did find it helpful. actually, i read through most of the entire blog last night. it was such an interesting and heartbreaking story. i have been spending A LOT of time reading stories about other people's experiences with loss and grief, and i am finding that this is really the only thing that is bringing me much comfort, which sounds awful. i feel bad finding solace in others' grief, but i guess it just helps to know i'm not alone in how i am feeling. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MartyT Posted September 8, 2016 Report Share Posted September 8, 2016 Exactly ~ and I think it also helps to know that if others have found ways to make it through the most devastating of losses, then maybe some how, some way, you will make it, too ♥ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
moondiamond Posted September 8, 2016 Author Report Share Posted September 8, 2016 marty, that's just it - i think just knowing that other people have survived and found a happy life after loss, then maybe i can as well. it's hard to imagine ever feeling better to be honest. but seeing those types of stories and how people cope and survive is still inspiring. thank you also so, so much for your quick replies. having someone to talk to is certainly helpful. <3 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
moondiamond Posted September 10, 2016 Author Report Share Posted September 10, 2016 something strange happened to me yesterday. i was feeling not so bad for a couple of days, trying to find some strength and positivity, and was doing a little better. but yesterday i had such an awful feeling. i started to almost have a panic attack. i felt like a weight was crushing my chest, my throat was so tight, and my heart was racing. it just felt like inescapable fear and i have felt very sad and down ever since. finding it difficult to see the light right now. i can't imagine ever feeling better from all of this. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MartyT Posted September 10, 2016 Report Share Posted September 10, 2016 Experiencing anxiety is not at all unusual in grief, my dear ~ but there are ways that you can deal with it. See, for example, Anxiety Attacks in Grief: Tools for Coping ♥ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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