Numb and Lost

Dreams

39 posts in this topic

On 2/15/2017 at 6:39 AM, Numb and Lost said:

I am so scared years and years will go by and I'll barely remember the times I had with him and how he made me feel.

Numb and Lost,

It's been almost 12 years for me and I remember everything like it was yesterday...it's just it seems a lifetime ago, but I remember clearly, how he felt, how he smelled, the sound of his voice, how he made me feel, having him in my life.  How incredibly blissfully happy I was...naive that my life was about to change, everything was about to come tumbling in on me.

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20 hours ago, martha jane said:

I felt that it was from both of them now

I think so too, Martha Jane, and I think it's meant to bring you comfort.  You are loved.

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The way you said naive makes me think of myself. I guess I was just naive to think it couldn't happen to me. I had that dream though and I had feared it. Usually when you fear something so intensely it doesn't actually happen. Every day I am still shocked it has happened. I know that we are all shocked but something about it just doesn't seem real at all. I had a few good days but I am really struggling today. I struggle so much because I feel like he was the absolute love of my life and yet he wasn't mine. It just makes me hurt even more. I get so confused because I know adultery is a sin but I feel like all that I felt for him couldn't have been all wrong. When I got married I was really young and I knew my husband had problems but I did it anyway. Sometimes I wonder if maybe I hadn't have done that I would have met him because he was really who God had picked for me but I messed it up. I just don't understand why I feel so strong for him. It's like I always just felt a connection to him. When I met him in 2005 and nothing happened then in my heart I knew that it would. I knew that somehow someway he was destined to be a big part of my life and my heart. It's funny because I still feel like that even though he's gone. When I told my friend I would see him again she got worried and emphasized that I will not on this earth. Well I know that. It's funny hearing that still stings though. But I feel that maybe he hasn't forgotten me and I WILL see him again.  I know I've said over and over that I'm afraid when I get to heaven we won't have any type of relationship because of how I knew him. But something just tells me that I will. I feel like I will get to have some special type of friendship or something. I need to talk to him so bad. I am just in tears as I type. I just need to know if he felt the same. I don't know how I can go another fifty years in life not knowing. 

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On 05/02/2017 at 3:38 PM, Numb and Lost said:

Thank you. Did it get better for you or to a point that you found joy again? How long has it been since your loss? My friend lost a boyfriend and she said it took four months before she didn't cry every single day anymore. I'm doing good if I go two hours without crying. 

The day of the original post was what would have been my husband's 58th birthday and it was 13 months since his suicide.  Some things are less difficult but nothing is actually better.  The obvious external crying is less frequent but on the inside it is always just below the surface.  He was my hero, my everything.  I have temporary joy.  Sadly when I realize that is what I'm feeling the feeling turns to guilt.  I know that feeling/thinking that way is not helpful and I'm working at learning to accept the joy.

I believe that I am working through my grief and that someday I will feel like things are better and there is more to be joyful about.  I hope you find something here that helps you to find some comfort.  Also, don't force yourself to do or feel anything that you aren't ready for.  Grief suddenly smacks you in the face with the force of a tornado.  It is often unexpected and you really don't get time to adjust to the idea of it before you are suffering with it.  It truly is a journey of moment to moment, one step at a time.  I'm sorry that you are feeling as you do.

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9 hours ago, Widowedbysuicide said:

The day of the original post was what would have been my husband's 58th birthday and it was 13 months since his suicide.  Some things are less difficult but nothing is actually better.  The obvious external crying is less frequent but on the inside it is always just below the surface.  He was my hero, my everything.  I have temporary joy.  Sadly when I realize that is what I'm feeling the feeling turns to guilt.  I know that feeling/thinking that way is not helpful and I'm working at learning to accept the joy.

I believe that I am working through my grief and that someday I will feel like things are better and there is more to be joyful about.  I hope you find something here that helps you to find some comfort.  Also, don't force yourself to do or feel anything that you aren't ready for.  Grief suddenly smacks you in the face with the force of a tornado.  It is often unexpected and you really don't get time to adjust to the idea of it before you are suffering with it.  It truly is a journey of moment to moment, one step at a time.  I'm sorry that you are feeling as you do.

It has definitely smacked me in the face last night and today. I had a few good days and it has hit again just like you said-like a tornado. I'm just a complete and total basket case today. I've always had problems with depression even when things are good so this on top of that I just don't know how to deal with. I have went to a counselor, a psychiatrist, etc. But ultimately of course none of those help because it doesn't bring him back. I'm so sorry that we all feel this way and have to be part of this terrible terrible club.

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15 hours ago, Numb and Lost said:

I don't know how I can go another fifty years in life not knowing. 

I have learned to proceed on faith and trust in what we had here and knowing neither of us did anything to change that...the connection is still there, we just have to wait to be together again.

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Last night I dreamed that I was talking to my friend and I said "should I just maybe give him a few months and call him then?" as if it was a breakup and he just doesn't want to talk to me and that is why he isn't around. I have had a few of those dreams where in my dream I think oh he will call me in a few weeks. Or either in my dream I'm trying to find out where he is. It just isn't getting better. It's 10am here and I don't want to get out of bed. 

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If it helps any, I don't get up til noon and even then it is a major accomplishment.

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3 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

If it helps any, I don't get up til noon and even then it is a major accomplishment.

It's like when I was a kid if there was an event I looked forward to that was coming up like a vacation during the summer, I would try to take a nap to make the long days of waiting shorter. We are making our days shorter just trying to get through them to make it to the next day when it starts all over again :'(

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Numb and lost:  It's been 21 months for me and at times I think I am forgetting him, but what I realize is that I'm (probably subconsciously) pushing the memories away because they can hurt so bad still.  But, I can remember him, all those details, smells, sounds, etc.  It's just that I haven't gotten to the point where I can dwell there too long, as it's painful.  I know, everyone says it's supposed to bring you peace and happiness that we had that.....not yet, not the good feelings yet, I think because I still miss him so, so much and am not at peace with not having him here.  I crave his touch, hearing his voice, feeling his arms around me, that pat on the head....Hopefully that will come in time....I can only hope. 

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15 minutes ago, Cookie said:

Numb and lost:  It's been 21 months for me and at times I think I am forgetting him, but what I realize is that I'm (probably subconsciously) pushing the memories away because they can hurt so bad still.  But, I can remember him, all those details, smells, sounds, etc.  It's just that I haven't gotten to the point where I can dwell there too long, as it's painful.  I know, everyone says it's supposed to bring you peace and happiness that we had that.....not yet, not the good feelings yet, I think because I still miss him so, so much and am not at peace with not having him here.  I crave his touch, hearing his voice, feeling his arms around me, that pat on the head....Hopefully that will come in time....I can only hope. 

I can't think about him without feeling immense pain. I never got to say things I desperately needed to say, or ask him and all that unresolve makes it so much worse for me. I hadn't seen him in a long time and I couldn't wait to see him like we were planning. Sometimes when I kind of feel okay it's only cause I momentarily forget I won't get to hug him ever again or see his smile, not until I die anyway. 

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I am feeling the same way as you Numb and Lost.  I wonder when I will feel the comfort from old photos and memories.

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Marita,

I wish I could remember the time frame but it wouldn't do any good if I did because I think it's probably different for everyone...but it'll come.

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