Loss Of Mother

[Enrico]

My mother had a stroke a month ago.
everybody says that I was good to my mother who was over 90> I took her shopping 1 day, I took her and then collected her and her friends to the local church card afternoon, AnD I would take her to cemetery once a week, and I would do other things. For some reason I feel guilty about what I didnt do for her, and what i didnt get around to doing for her, and about the silly arguments and bad moods that I had with her, notwithstanding that at the end of the day I would sit with her and all was ok after we recounted the events of the day.

[mfh]

Dear Enrico, I am so sorry about the loss of your dear mother. When someone we love dies, it is quite common to feel guilty. We love that person so much and wanted so badly to be the person son or wife or friend and no one can be perfect. No matter how much you did for you mom, your mind tends to play tricks on you telling you it was not enough. We all look back over silly arguments and bad moods because we are human. Guilt is almost a universal when we love someone. You might try to focus on all the good times you had. I felt guilt after my husband died and I had taken care of him for close to 5 years. Many, if not most, people do feel that guilt. You sound like you were a great son and I hope you can be proud of all you did for your dear mother.

[kayc]

Enrico, I too am sorry for your loss. I echo what Mary wrote, guilty feelings are common, but in the end we have to remember all that we did and what there was, for that is what she will take with her.

[enna]

Dear Enrico,

I am so sorry to hear about the loss of your mother. It sounds like you were very attentive to her. I think as children we always feel like we never do enough for our parents. Guilt is a normal reaction in grief. How wonderful that you could sit with her and recount the days events. Your love comes through in your post.

Anne

[sinc86]

I think it is very common to have feelings of guilt over what we didn't do. My mom suffered 2 major strokes in the months before she died, and it was like my mom was being slowly taken away ..... the last few months she was not herself at all. Such pain and anxiety - and I felt horrible that I couldn't do anything that would help her even for a few minutes because she was going through so much.

I think it's important to think of the times you spent with your mom, the things you did with and for her. You were very good and attentive to her, I can tell. She knew how much you loved her, I am sure. The feelings you are going through are so normal and part of the process of grief. Hang in there, be kind to yourself, and hold on to the good memories.

[Enrico]

Thank you so much. I am relieved to hear that guilt is relatively common feeling, -Thankyou again, I must admit more recently I had been focussing more on the good memories. Thanks so much

[MartyT]

My dear Enrico,

From an article I invite you to read, Guilt in the Wake of a Parent's Death (and see also the Related Articles listed at the base of the post):

Have you ever noticed that it's only the good people who feel guilty about what they did or failed to do in circumstances such as this? Read on here>>>

[Enrico]

Thank you , very helpful, it helps to ease the pain.

[kayc]

Enrico, I am losing my mom to dementia and leukemia. I've already lost the person I knew and each time I see her I start fresh getting to know the person that is that day. It's a learning experience and very challenging emotionally.

You are right to focus on the good memories. They are not defined by their death or dying, they are defined by the life that they lived and all of the memories that contains.

[Little Girl]

Big hugs!