I lost my dad

[Clematis]

I keep having this idea that this will stop and the grief will be over and I will be ok again, even though the more I read here the more I realize that just isn't how it works. I think this has really been way too much - losing my dad and then my aunt and then my sisters (even tho they are still alive) and then my job.The car accident was just too much on top of it all and I've now had a headache for almost all the time for three months. My diet is terrible because I eat whatever is in the house and avoid going to the store because either the light will give me a worse headache or it's dark but I'm too tired to care. I think things are getting worse. There is not just a hole in my heart - there's a hole in my life, and I don't think I will ever be ok again. I'm not even sure who I am anymore. I don't play music, I don't paint...who am I?

I have tons of my mother's paintings and have hung up quite a few of them, but none of my own. There are too many paintings and no room for mine it seems. Well, there are no paintings in either bedroom, and most of my mother's paintings have found spots. My paintings are leaning against the wall on the floor, but I don't seem to be able to hang them any more than I can sleep in my bed. Not sure why...

[iPraiseHim]

Laura,

I woke up and can't go back to sleep.  It seems to happen on the day before I plan to go to church.

 

One of the many lessons I am learning from this grief is that I need to take care of myself up to the level I took care of my wife.

I am sure you took great care of your father. 

 

It is a gradual step by step process.

First, make sure you get enough sleep.  The average person should get between 7-8 hours a night.  Initially, I was averaging 2 hours.  This group encouraged me to seek medical help to relax my mind so I can rest.

Next, We need to get at least 64oz; 2 quarts, 8 cups of pure clean water at least each day.  Tap water is not clean. Filter it. I use RO (reverse Osmosis) water as it removes chlorine, fluoride, and heavy metals.  If you use distilled water you need to replenish the minerals with Himalayan Salt or other essential minerals.

Third, I slowly stopped eating any processed foods.  They add too many chemicals and additives that harm the body. This includes breads. pastas, anything that man has modified.  (check the labels and you will be shocked.

Fourth, move(exercise) briskly 30 minutes a day.  I do this in addition to my moderate exercise of cleaning homes 5-6 days a week.

Fifth +  (I am sure there are more but that's all the comes to mind at the moment.)

I wish I could say I do this perfect every day, but I don't.  I am a work in progress project. 

 

Laura, you have made great progress already. You should give yourself Kudos.  You have setbacks as well.  The secret in this grief journey is to recognize when you hit a wall, problem, etc.. admit it, and eventually get back up and move forward, even when you do feel like it.  

The beauty of this space, unlike Facebook, people here are genuine and care for each other as we are today, whatever state or condition we are in.  You will find solutions and will find your way through. - Shalom   

 

 

 

 

[Clematis]

Thanks, George. I really appreciate your help and suggestions. I am trying, and I certainly know what I need to do to take care of myself, but it's a lot easier said than done. My diet is suboptimal since I am just too tired and apathetic to cook.  Mostly too tired. The best thing I can say for my diet is that in addition to the Lucky Charms and some other junk I eat, I eat TONS of steamed vegetables. I steam a big pile of fresh veggies at once, and then when I am hungry I put some in the microwave.  Unfortunately I have to leave the house to go get them. If someone would come over and prepare nutritious meals for me I would certainly eat them, but I cannot persuade Lena, my cat to, cook for me even though it is quite clearly her turn. She says it's not in her job description.

Right now I am lurking in the cool dark of my house. I should get up and go to Walgreens to get something i need and water the plants at my dad's house as well as the ones in my own front yard, but since I know it will make my head hurt worse I am avoiding it. 

[Clematis]

On August 12, 2016 at 0:59 PM, iPraiseHim said:

I prefer to make my own Magnesium Oil: Here is the recipe:

      1   CUP Ancient Minerals Magnesium Bath Flakes

      1 CUP Distilled water

 

Dissolve the Magnesium flakes in the distilled water by heating in a glass bowl for two minutes.  Stir every minute.

Set aside to cool and pour into an empty clean spray bottle. 

 

This lasts  a long time and never goes bad.

 

Hi George, I finally got the distilled water to go with the magnesium flakes and mixed it up tonight, spraying it on my neck and back before I went to bed. Is that the thing to do?

Laura

[iPraiseHim]

Yes, I use it on sore muscles and when my muscles twitch and/or cramp.  It feels slippery and if you don't like the feel either wash your hands or wear a rubber glove. 

[Clematis]

I am going to shut down my dad's cell phone tomorrow, so as to stop paying for two cell phones. Then I'll have his phone as a backup in case I need it before I get my next phone. I was looking through his photos - most of which I actually took, but they were of him or of something that was going on when we were together, and it made me feel Sooooo sad. I will download them all to his computer first to make sure I don't lose them, but still... It's hard to believe that he's been gone for seven months now. It's also hard to believe that he was here in AZ with me for ten years; it seems like a flash and it was gone. It seems like I would feel better by now, but I still feel devastated and empty. Today I had a day when I felt better as far as my head injury, but worse about losing my dad. I haven't been hearing him talking to me much lately either. Just me and the cat here...

[kayc]

Nothing to add here except I care and I'm sorry you're feeling it...it's so hard!

[Clematis]

Thanks, Kay.. I took care of everything I needed to with his phone and called Verizon to cancel it. I guess I thought this would be a relief, but I could hardly say "goodbye" at the end of the call due to crying. It will save me sixty something $$ I don't really have to let go of his phone, but it made me sad. I guess I could have done this earlier, but when my mother died, they wouldn't let my dad cancel her phone. I assumed it was still like that, but apparently it's changed. Or maybe they let me out because he he only had three months left by now... Anyway, it was sad. Something very final about it.

[iPraiseHim]

Laura,

It is tough. I needed to cancel my wife's cell phone service because she no longer needs the service. 

When I canceled her POGO account was really tough because she played on it for six years to distract her from the pain and illness of diabetes.  She would dress up the mini-me's, do the weekly challenges and even do mine to keep her busy.  It was another indication that she is not here. 

I still get hit with other things like a catalog or magazine, or weekend getaway offers, etc...

My heart goes out to you as we all go through this challenge of grief.   - Shalom

[Clematis]

I talked to my younger sister Diane today, the one I was never close to, but now she has Parkinson's and she seems to be changing. She seems a lot more approachable; she really used to be insufferably arrogant. I am very cautious nevertheless. She sent a picture message to my other sister and I; she and her husband were near the house we grew up in, which I haven't seen since 1976, and they went by and took a picture. So I took a chance and called her. 

It went fairly well. I told her about my brutal summer and recent financial issues as I struggle after the car accident but am working hopefully toward a more solid future. She was sympathetic. I updated her about the estate and she asked me how much is left in the trust account. I told her well, it's more than $X and gave her a kind of lowball number. She seemed relieved and I am relieved to know that she wasn't upset about that, and the actual truth is actually better than what I told her, so that is good. Better to have her pleasantly surprised later than disappointed. 

I told her that I really wanted things to be better between us and she said, "Well, if you want that, it will be". She also advised me that things would be better between us if I avoided ever saying anything that she might find upsetting, particularly about anything in the past, adding that it's not like she expects me to be dancing around on eggshells or anything. Huh. I think that's an improvement over her telling me once that if she ever felt like she did with our mother, who was cruel and destructive in her constant criticism of us, the only explanation was that I was behaving exactly like our mother did. 

[kayc]

When George died, I had my daughter take over his phone because she needed one.  It doesn't seem right that a phone company wouldn't let someone out of a contract for dying!  Geez!  Money grubbing!

Any change we make can hit us hard, it feels like another step away from them, even though it's not, but it's tough to go through all the same.

Laura, I guess the only way to have a relationship with her is to try to let go of the past...but that's really hard to do.  We can forgive but we still remember...I think the difference is not dwelling on those memories, which takes concerted effort.  Of course you are going to be cautious, that's only natural, we try to protect ourselves from further hurt.  I think it also helps to remember when another person is limited in their ability to love.  I had a lifetime of abuse from my mom, but when she got dementia it made it easier to give her a fresh start, but of course by then she was limited in her knowledge and understanding...she was, however, softer.  Perhaps Parkinsons has humbled your sister a bit?  I think it does change them to know their life is now reduced to what it is...it's hard to be arrogant in the face of that!

[Clematis]

I think you're right, Kay - and I actually had a similar conversation with Diane in the few months after our dad's death, which was about a year after her diagnosis with PD. Someone she is working with said to her, "It's really remarkable-the nicest people get Parkinson's!" But were they nice before, or did they get nice after being humbled by the debilitation? In my dad's case I think it was some of both and became more so because after my mother died she stopped encouraging him to be mean, and his role as a satellite around a narcissist ended, revealing more of who he really was and forcing him to talk to people and have genuine conversations. My other sister actually credited me with some of his becoming nicer. Not only was I interested in and concerned about him, I didn't tolerate his being mean to me or making racist sexist remarks about other people (would just say "that's mean") and it got a lot better. 

Diane used to be married to a wealthy sociopath who was wickedly smart with a deadly sense of humor. He was also an alcoholic who got even meaner when he drank. I think he was a terrible influence on Diane, and she became really nasty. I suppose going through a divorce, having financial problems, and having to get our father (for whom she had no use or affection) for help was hard on her as well. And now she has remarried and her husband is taking very good care of her and also seems very sweet. It's probably been good for her.

I think you're right in your other points as well. Diane and her first husband treated me like a country bumpkin for many years and were cruel and demeaning. Then my mother died, she left her ex, and got our dad to support her by misleading him about what he was getting into. My sisters lived about a block apart and were close, raising their kids together, but they had a big fight and S totally shut Diane out and so she turned to me and we became friends for the first time ever. I was astonished and delighted, but when they made up (sort of), Diane went back to being nasty to me but I thought we would still be friends. I thought we all three could be friends, even though that was totally against our upbringing. My mother pitted us against each other and it was always two were friends and the other was shut out. S was the oldest and she was never shut out. Di and I competed for her affections and so it was either S & Di or S & me. I would like to think we could move past that as adults. 

I think probable the only way to move on is to try to leave the past behind and not try to resolve anything because it isn't possible. Diane definitely has her limitations, but she seems to be making an effort to get along. I think she needs to set the terms and the limits, and if I want a relationship with her I have to just do things her way and leave it at that. I suppose any alternative is worse.

Leaving the past behind is what I did with my dad, but that was facilitated by my being able to express my anger towards him and his apologizing. And then a lot of time passed. I think it's harder to put everything in the past and pretend it never happened when you don't get to process anything. But maybe it's possible...

[kayc]

I think some people become nasty when they are unhappy with themselves or their lives.

[Clematis]

You're right. I just can't seem to let go. When I tell people the details of the things my sisters have done and said to me, and their total lack of concern, people all say the same thing - that I should just stay as far away from them as possible. I don't know why I keep trying and can't just let them go by the wayside. They didn't care about my dad and they don't care about me. Sometimes they give it a little "lip service", but they don't really care. They are happy with me when I am doing something that significantly benefits them, and the rest of the time they do nothing but throw toxicity at me...

[kayc]

I didn't say to let go of them, I just explained why they act as they do.  For myself I've found it best to limit contact with difficult people to what I feel I can handle without it getting to me (thinking of how it was with my mom before her dementia).

[Clematis]

I think you're right in that they are unhappy with their lives, for lots of different reasons. I also think it is a thorn in the side of both of my sisters - and was to my mother as well - that I earned two graduate degrees with which I could earn a living, and they never did. My mother was well taken care of by my father, but my younger sister had to go out trolling for a second husband when supporting herself and her children alone was too much after leaving her first husband. My older sister went to art school after divorcing her husband, to get an MFA in painting. She thought she could make a living selling paintings and she never wanted to do anything she didn't want to do. Who does? But most of us get to a point where we know that we have to do things that aren't fun. I have had a lot of jobs that were dicey or dangerous or they were in a treacherous environment where I had realistic concerns about being stabbed in the back by coworkers who were nice to my face. But I learned to go to work with a good attitude, do the best I could, and try my best to improve the environment for everyone else. She could have done the same...not my fault that she didn't...

[Clematis]

I am applying to be a hospice volunteer and am filling out a LOT of paperwork. One of the forms is an emergency notification form. I have no idea what to write on this. My dad is gone, my mother is long gone, and my sisters are not particularly concerned. My cat and my cello - well neither of them will pick up the phone. In fact most of my friends don't answer the phone, but do respond to texts. Most of the time. What do I put on there-the police? That seems kind of smart-alecky. Lena's vet? My dad's attorney? Randomly pick out somebody I play music with? It makes me feel sad and alone...

[kayc]

I have felt the same thing...my daughter doesn't answer the phone, my son is 2 1/2 hours away and very consumed with his family & job.  I used to put my neighbor/friend but he's up to his ears taking care of his dying mother right now and he's kind of thrown me overboard as a friend since he met someone else (also a friend)...some people only do one friend at a time.  So who do I put?  My sister can't drive, my other sisters live clear across the state.  It's a dilemma.  Maybe we could pay someone to be our friend and ER contact?  LOL  Seriously, just put a friend down, talk to them about it first, to make sure they're willing.  It kind of makes you want to use some humor and put on the form "my father who art in heaven..."  Just saying!  I wish I had a contact phone for George, he'd come to my rescue in a flash, if only he could!

I know, how about your church?

[Clematis]

That's a good idea...I'll ask a friend. I haven't been to synagogue in a long time and so don't really have a connection there. But I do have several friends who wouldn't mind that. Unfortunately, the ones closest to me aren't too crazy about the phone, so I'll get someone else. I used to put my sister on those things when I was out here by myself, even though she was across the country. But now she is not very friendly. It was so great when my dad was here because I had family nearby for the first time since I was a child, a good friend, a companion for almost anything I thought up to do, and someone to rescue me if I ever needed it. (I rescued him too.) It is hard losing all of that once one has had that kind of support in the world, to find oneself all alone. You know. You all know.

[Clematis]

I was out running some errands with my cat today and stopped by my dad's house about dusk to get the mail and water the flowers. Lena and I used to go over to my dad's house to make him dinner, and she was always SO eager to get into his house, yelling her head off and pulling at the leash as I fumbled to get out of the car with the keys and whatever groceries I had. Then she would drag me to the door, and if we didn't get in immediately, there would be more impatient meowing at the door.

I tried really hard to give her a gradual adjustment to all the changes - painting and carpeting our condo, and then our move back into our own house, while taking all of his furniture and discarding most of mine. I kept taking her back and forth, but it's hard to know what a cat can make of all that.

So we went over there tonight and she hadn't been there in awhile. She was as eager as ever, dragging me to the door while meowing impatiently. Then we went in and she seemed immediately distressed, looking around in all of the mostly empty rooms and meowing plaintively while thrashing her tail. It really seemed like she was looking for my dad, and it was heartbreaking all over again to see her looking for him.

I guess I had thought that somehow she understood that he had died and was in a spirit form only now, because I have seen her apparently interacting with him as if he was teasing her or playing with her. But who really knows what a cat really understands. I guess it must be confusing. I think she misses him and doesn't know where he went, but how does one help a cat with that?

[kayc]

I think she adjusted well because you were with her, but when she went back to his place, she had association with him there and she was wondering where he was.  It reminded her...

I don't know how in the world to help an animal through this...my dog still misses Skye, who has been gone for over three years now.  I was playing a video of Skye and when Arlie heard his voice he immediately went to the patio door, where Skye always came in when he visited.  It's hard because they lived together a few years of Skye's life, so they were like brothers.  It broke my heart.  I can't play a video of him now when Arlie is in the house.

I don't think I'd take Lena to your dad's house, but you'd know what's best for her better than I do.

[Clematis]

On 9/29/2016 at 8:12 AM, kayc said:

I think she adjusted well because you were with her, but when she went back to his place, she had association with him there and she was wondering where he was.  It reminded her...

 I think you're probably right, Kay. I'm trying to get hold of my friend Paula, a retired vet who helped me train Lena in the beginning. I had taken graduate classes in animal learning, but by working with someone who really knew animals and combing through the relevant literature together, we made a lot of progress. We did a lot of "exposure" work, by gradual exposure to things she was moderately afraid of, and supporting her through the experiences and rewarding her so that she would have a positive experience and lose her fears so that she could be more comfortable in life situations she would face. I remember Paula telling me that Lena was very fortunate in having the opportunity to successfully work through her fears - that most animals never get to do that. I'm not sure if taking her to my dad's house is unnecessarily painful for her or if it is something I should help her work through.

Lena and I volunteer out at a skilled nursing facility where my dad stayed for five days respite (courtesy of hospice), when he was near the end. Lena and I visited him together and the other residents loved it. I didn't go back for about two months, but I decided to add it to her other Sunday job, only one block away because it would mean so much to the residents, many of whom are bed/wheelchair bound. When we walk in, we always go past the room where my father stayed. In the beginning, Lena would really pull on the lead to go in there but the man who has been in that bed ever since is not a cat lover, and so we must walk by. She hasn't forgotten and always slows down and has a little sniff at the door, but she seems to know that he's not there anymore. I think that means she's working through things, but I don't know. I certainly don't want to cause her unnecessary distress - like you say. But if it would be good to help her work through it, I don't want to block that because her feelings are painful for me.

I want to help her, and the truth is that the three of us were a little family and now we are only two. I think there is zero chance she has forgotten him, and I sure have leaned heavily on her this year. I really want to do what's right for her and don't know what to do. I don't think anyone really knows a lot about animal grief, although it's clear they do grieve. I really appreciate your story about Arlie and Skye. Most of the stories I have run across are very short term - like a few days or maybe weeks. Who knows what they experience over months or years. They certainly remember people they haven't seen for years but in between the reminders we see, who knows what is going on in their fuzzy little heads? Maybe it's like us - on the outside we look ok after awhile because we aren't crying all the time, but underneath the grief is far from resolved for a long time.