I lost my dad

[Clematis]

On July 23, 2016 at 0:24 PM, kayc said:

You're on an exhausting schedule with a head injury to boot.  No wonder you feel exhausted!

Thanks! Sometimes I think I'm being a baby and ought to be doing more--like a lot more! But I kinda know that's unrealistic. My employment is a little unclear for the upcoming school year, which is approaching very quickly. I can't tell if I'm more concerned that I won't have enough work or that I will have too much work or that I won't be able to do it (cognitively) and end up in deep doo doo in the long run. I'm trying to not think about it since there is nothing to do but wait.

Anyway, I keep thinking about the period of time after my dad purchased his condo and when he actually moved into it, which was about six months. It was so empty and void of anything except my painting of his garage that summer, which took forever since I only worked on it in the early mornings when it was still cool. I thought a lot about how it would feel if he died before he could make it out to AZ to occupy his condo, and how it would feel if he came out here only to die. I couldn't tell which would be worse.

As it turns out, we had ten great years of deepening out relationship and being family and company for each other, and the pain of losing that is without a doubt worse than either of the scenarios that I had feared. 

[kayc]

If you don't get enough work next year, perhaps you could paint and think about selling some of your work?  After all, you'll reach a point where you can't save everything you paint as part of your journey...trust me, I have developed a kinship with my favorite cards that I've made.  I know that sounds silly, but when you spend an hour or two creating something and you like how it comes out, you have a hard time parting with it.   A person doesn't get much $ from selling cards, can't even make minimum wage after expenses, but paintings are another story.

[Clematis]

On July 25, 2016 at 8:29 AM, kayc said:

   A person doesn't get much $ from selling cards, can't even make minimum wage after expenses, but paintings are another story.

Unfortunately, people don't want to pay much for paintings either, unless you have well-known name...selling your name. I'm sure I could sell a few paintings, but not at prices that would do much in the way of supporting myself, and it would be only a tiny fraction of what they are worth to me. I still have not heard about next year's work; the school where I worked last year and hoped to continue has not told us anything. And school starts a week from tomorrow. It's rather unnerving.

I have been clearing out my email inbox, which is so cluttered that it makes the computer run really slow...sort of a digital version of my house and my dad's house after letting everything go for years while I took care of my dad while his health deteriorated. So I go flashing by these hundreds of emails that are nothing personal, but related to things we talked about, and it makes me sad. Or they are from the last six months since he has been gone, and therefore things we never had the chance to talk about since he's gone. Will it ever end?

[kayc]

Have you been in touch with any of the other teachers to find out if they have heard from the school?  Have you contacted them?  That's horrible!  Our school starts after Labor Day each year and my little sister usually gets at least a month's notice about what they're doing with her.

[Clematis]

I am not an employee of any of the schools where I work-I do contract work, where they pay me by the evaluation (as a school psychologist) or by the day (as a school counselor). I subcontract with a guy named Michael, who has been doing this for more than 20 years. Michael gets contracts with charter schools and small schools/districts that are too small to pay a full time employee, and then he subcontracts with people like me to do most of the work. The work is in Flagstaff and the vicinity, including two reservations.

Generally these schools put out RFP's (Requests for Proposals) in late April - early May and professionals like counselors, school psychologists, speech paths, occupational therapists, and physical therapists put in bids to get the work. The reservation school where I had most of my work last year had a new principal and assistant principal, but we were in the middle of a two-year contract, and they just left it as it was. We think they put it out for bid because they thought they were paying too much money and could find someone else to do the work for less, but they didn't put out the RFPs until mid to late June. Michael has been providing services at this school for sixteen years and part of the reason is that his rates are very competitive. They pay less than a lot of schools pay that are in town or close to town. It's hard to get professionals who are willing to drive an hour and a half - or more - to do the work. For me, living in Sedona, my drive is two and a half hours each way - or maybe a little bit more.

This year I have a contract with a school that is much closer, but I am covering for a school psychologist who is on maternity leave and so it is only for a few months. After that, I will be helping her since she is likely to be busy with a new baby, but she is coming back to work.

I have been trying not to panic and trust that Michael will come up with some work for me. I have a friend - Mike - who has worked for Michael for almost 20 years off and on. He has sometimes left to work on his own contracts, and then returned to working for Michael. Mike says that Michael always has work for his people somewhere out on the two reservations, but it can change unpredictably and for no reason. Mike says that for the reservation schools to do something like this - deciding very late - is not unusual. I've been talking to Michael and he hasn't known anything. I'll talk to him later today.

The district where I have my own contract wants to know what days I am available, and I can't tell them anything for sure. It's a little frustrating because I want to make a good impression. I hope I will be able to continue working there, even if it is only a little work...

[kayc]

She may change her mind after the baby is born.  I had a job I loved working at a doctor's office when my daughter was born.  I tried working Saturday mornings for a short time but decided not to come back to work...it actually factored into my decision that I did not want to put the person that was covering me out of work (she was a single mom with a new baby).  That plus it's gut wrenching to leave your new baby while you go off to work.  

Five hours of commuting a day?  I can't even imagine!  I'd have to take a studio during the week, I think it'd be cheaper than going back and forth every day!  Ugh!  And I thought three hours of commuting a day was a lot!  (my last job).

[Clematis]

Yeah, five hours of commuting in one day is really tough. I generally do it only two days in a week. Sometimes it ends up that there are three days in one week that I go out there and it seems really brutal. It's especially bad when the days are back to back; I try to get them spaced out so that I have two days in between. Some people like to do two days back to back and they stay at the cultural center (which has a restaurant and small hotel in it). I could never do that because I had to come home to be available for my dad, as well as take care of Lena and my flowers-especially when it's hot you can't leave overnight without someone to water the plants.

The job situation is unsettling and I'm trying not to panic. I talked to Michael and he finally talked to the principal of the school where I worked the last four years and hope to work again this year. She said that they got our bid and two others and have not even opened them. They plan to open them on Thursday, make a proposal to the board on Thursday night, and then let the three partied know who got the contract on Friday. School starts the following Monday...

[kayc]

You're in my prayers, Laura.  It seems very inconsiderate of them to not take care of this sooner.  After all, you all need your livelihoods and some heads up to make plans!

[Clematis]

Thanks! Unfortunately it's not all that unusual. It's hard to know why this sort of thing goes on. My friend Mike, who has worked for Michael off and on for twenty years has encouraged me to not despair because his experience is that there is always work and things change, even during the school year. I'm trying not to panic...

[Clematis]

So this is it - today's the day when I am supposed to find out whether I am going to continue working on the reservation or fall into an abyss of wondering how I will survive with very little income and little sense of what to do next...I feel paralyzed, but I have a lot to do.

[enna]

I am so sorry you are going through this, Laura. The start of a school year is stressful enough. I am praying that you hear soon about your work on the reservation. The work you do is so valuable I just know that the school understands that. Please keep us updated.(((((((((( Hugs ))))))))).

I found this and thought of you. 

 

[MartyT]

I'm sorry too, Laura. This kind of uncertainty is so difficult to bear. Try to remember that you are a woman with many talents and marketable skills, and you've always found a way to make a living. You will find work this time too, and you will survive. Keep us posted; we are pulling for you. ♥  

[Clematis]

Well, it's now official...I did not get the work on the reservation...

[kayc]

Laura,

I am sorry for this news, I know it's hard when you can't plan it out.  Know that when I lost my job three years ago (I didn't get unemployment) I had no idea how I'd make it as it'd be four years until I'd file social security (over a year to go now).  Right after losing my job I found out I needed a new roof and 40' ramp (I'm on a hill, that's why it's so long).  Somehow, I've made it, nothing extra, but as anyone can tell by looking at me, I haven't gone hungry.

As Marty said, you have much talent, you've always found a way to support yourself, you will make it.  Perhaps teach music or paint?  This will give you time to finish the moving and recuperate from your head injuries.  Is the attorney doing anything about that?  You should get something for your pain and suffering, not just your medical bills, you've been through a lot through no fault of your own.

Prayers going up for you, dear Laura!

[MartyT]

1 hour ago, kayc said:

Prayers going up for you, dear Laura!

From all of us!  ♥

[iPraiseHim]

Laura, praying for soul peace and provision.  When one door closes trust that another door will open. - Shalom - George

[Clematis]

Thanks, Kay, Marty, and George... The weirdest thing is - I feel kind of relieved. I should feel terrified about how I will survive, and demoralized or something. But I don't. I have some work right now - covering for another school psychologist who is on maternity leave until October 31, and then will have some part time work there for the rest of the year, kind of helping her out as she needs it. Also, I was paying a friend to help my work on the estate during the summer. I have moved, but there is still a lot of work to be done. I should do it myself, paying myself out of the estate rather than paying her. That will bring me some ongoing income for awhile, and I can scout for more work as things go along during the fall and winter. My friend Mike tells me that there is a shortage of school psychologists.

Also, I am credentialed as a counselor and a counselor/psychotherapist and have 20 years of experience doing that. It's quite possible that something may come up - something closer to home. I need to work on networking and letting people know that I am available and what I can do. It is worrisome, but I am very relieved about not having to drive out to the reservation. It is such a brutal drive... maybe I can address my health issues a little better. It would be good for me to sleep more, exercise more, eat a better diet, and lose some weight. I should look into refinancing my condo and see if I can lower the payment. Maybe I could even paint some and play a little music...have more of a balanced life.

[Clematis]

9 hours ago, enna said:

I am so sorry you are going through this, Laura. The start of a school year is stressful enough. I am praying that you hear soon about your work on the reservation. The work you do is so valuable I just know that the school understands that. Please keep us updated.(((((((((( Hugs ))))))))).

I found this and thought of you. 

Thanks, Anne - I appreciate your thinking of me.

[Clematis]

8 hours ago, MartyT said:

I'm sorry too, Laura. This kind of uncertainty is so difficult to bear. Try to remember that you are a woman with many talents and marketable skills, and you've always found a way to make a living. You will find work this time too, and you will survive. Keep us posted; we are pulling for you. ♥  

I really appreciate that from you, Marty. I think you are right - I do have marketable skills, and the truth is that I have had a summer that has been exhausting at many levels between grieving my father, the stress with my sisters, and suffering the results of a concussion from the car accident while working very hard to consolidate my father's and my possessions into one house, which would have been a daunting task for anyone. Also, this was also right on the heels of working very hard immediately after his death. So I was exhausted in May at the time of the accident and now I am even even more exhausted.

I am ready for a break. I have a tendency to push myself really hard for extended periods of time, but even I have limits... As this date of determination approached, I wasn't sure which I feared more - going back to all that driving at this point or facing a year of uncertainty. I have a friend who adamantly urged me to do my best straight off to try to get work near Phoenix, even if it meant commuting from Sedona to Phoenix every day. I asked her if there was a reason she wanted to see me dead in the near future (I am not a much of a highway driver). Long silence...

[kayc]

12 hours ago, iPraiseHim said:

When one door closes trust that another door will open

That's funny, I meant to say that in my post but forgot to so glad that George did!

[kayc]

When I lost my job, I also felt very relieved and felt it was meant to be...I spent time on self-care, getting myself healthy and balanced.  I felt like I'd neglected myself for so long, burning the candle at both ends, and I only commuted 100+ miles a day, I can't imagine doing your commute!

[Clematis]

1 hour ago, kayc said:

That's funny, I meant to say that in my post but forgot to so glad that George did!

One hopes it will work that way. I feel mostly relieved about the reservation work - mostly because of the driving and the impact that those killer long days had on my health due to not enough sleep, eating too much junk, and and the overall stress. It's difficult being an outsider and being excluded and judged due to cultural and racial factors. Doing contract work is a mixed bag...it's generally good to not be a part of the office politics, and frequently one is blissfully unaware of things that don't matter anyway, but sometimes being on the outside is only that. Nevertheless, being white on a reservation can be a little uncomfortable. I was always relieved when I drove far enough away from the school that I was off the reservation and also clear of the other reservation that surrounded the one I worked on. It's a strange thing. For example, when I was involved in that car accident, it was a very good thing that the woman who caused the accident was also white, because had she been native the laws would have been different for her and me. Even though she was cited and I was not, she could have been seen as the victim due to tribal protection. Since we are both white, it falls under the normal laws with no squarely business.

So about the open door, the one that closed was kind of a big door. I have some smaller doors that are open and if I can get a few more, I'll make it through the school year and can focus on next year. I just have to work at making connections and be open to different possibilities. And the truth is, I could get work as a School Psychologist, Social Worker, or Counselor/Psychotherapist. There is a lot of need for providers in rural areas. Last week, on moving day, I did a lot of walking back and forth from my house to my dad's and my own. The truck only had two seats and the walk is a shortcut. The truck was slow and going carefully with my precious furniture, and so I walked rather than riding, getting there at the same time as the truck. I actually got a blister on one of my feet. On one of these walks my phone rang and it was a woman asking me if I wanted to be on their panel of providers because they need some in my area. There is also another insurance company I am aware of that needs counselors in my area who will do home visits - which I do. This came up some time ago, but I was too busy to even do the paperwork, much less fit in the work.

I need a little more work, not a full time job. hopefully I'll be able to find it...

[kayc]

You will find it, and right now you can focus on healing yourself and completing this move and doing the little bit you need to make ends work.  

[Widowedbysuicide]

Your Dad would be really proud of how you are handling all of what is going on in your life.

if I could figure out how to post a 'sticker' it would be a Dad figure inside a heart holding his thumb up, and the caption would be, "That's my girl!"

 

[Clematis]

I hope so-thanks for the encouragement, Kay! The financial aspect of this is a little worrisome. The other aspect of this is that I need to be really really careful with my money, as my dad has been telling me all along. Had I known this would happen, I might not have done some of the things I've done - painting and replacing the carpeting, microwave and fridge. But I budgeted these things from the get go, took advantage of significant bargains, and they all really needed to be done. Had I not done it as I did, it would have saved a few thousand dollars, but put me back into the same demoralizing dump where I was. Making the changes means living in a beautiful place where I can hope to focus on what I need to do and maybe feel ok about my life moving forward.