I lost my dad

[Clematis]

I spent most of the day today crying about my dad and thinking about him. I got nothing done on my big moving project aside from collecting boxes from the grocery store. I got almost nothing done, as if I was paralyzed.  Lena did go to work today - she's a therapy cat, and Glo, who makes pet videos for pet holidays was meeting us there to film Lena. It was kind of amazing I was able to pull myself together to even go. Other than that, I did almost nothing.

I spent most of the day feeling like I was absolutely back at the beginning. I cried all day. I felt like my chest was caving in. I had trouble eating because I could hardly chew. Several times I was in the kitchen of his condo where I am staying, and looking down into the sink I had the idea that if I just looked up he would be sitting in his chair 20 feet away.

It was a hard weekend, maybe just because I was totally alone. When I have my friends and helpers around, I push myself to get stuff accomplished so that I can get moved back in my own house by August. But when I am alone, I fall apart and do nothing. I wonder when and if this will ever end...

[kayc]

I hope your friend is with you this week.

[enna]

I am so sorry that you are having days that are so hard.  They will come and they will go.  It is good to sit with that pain and allow those times for the love you had for your dad deserves attention.  Somehow we have the strength to pull ourselves together just as you did for your Lena's day at work. I saw these Clematis flowers and thought of you. I hope today is better.  

Anne

[Clematis]

Thank you, Anne! Those Clematis are SO beautiful-so vibrant and healthy and SO purple! I just LOVE those photos-I was so surprised by the sight of them I had a physical reaction and popped right up in my chair where I was slumping. Thank you! It makes me feel good, just looking at them. 

Today was a much better day. I had a neighbor who came to help me for awhile and also, I was actually able to work on some stuff alone, and I have my friend coming three days this week. Next week I'll have Greg back as well. 

Today was a real treasure hunt. found some very cool things-from both of my parents, but mostly my dad. I found (the guts of) a music box that plays Lara's theme from Dr. Zhivago that seems to be meant to go on a rocking chair. When I was in high school and college I had an old family drafting set and adored it but someone stole it from me, which was very sad. Well, today I found another old one in my dad's woodworking stuff, apparently my dad's-although it could have been his father's. Unfortunately I don't know its exact story but it is a family item and a treasure. I also found two small sets of tools - one is adorable and pocket-sized. Some of these finds are such treasures, even if I never saw them before because they are so much like him and also so much like me. The housekeeper who worked for my dad, then both of us, and then just me, told me one day, "You guys were like two peas in a pod!"

I think I saw some of that after my mother died, and in a way it was new to me-that he and I were more like each other than any other two people in our family. When I was little I adored him and thought he could do anything that was cool. It was always about him-for me. Then as I got older I realized that he could be a real jerk and had an awful temper, like his own dad. Then as he got older, he got over his impatience and temper. He just got a lot nicer-especially after my mother died. 

I was ecstatic that I was so agreed to move to Arizona. My sisters were glad to get rid of him and told him they did not want him to move to their town; they lived very close together an hour away from my parents. When I suggested that I was his best option after my mother died, they said, "No, you were his ONLY option!" But I don't think that's true; I think he wanted to be with me and wasn't just desperate. I don't know why he agreed to move out to AZ to be with me, but after he got here, he liked it. People would ask if he liked AZ (yes) and tell him that he was lucky to have a daughter who spent so much time with him. He always had the same reaction; his voice would break, he would get choked up and teary, and say, "Oh, she's wonderful!" I saw him at least ten times a week and we had meals together every night I didn't have music rehearsals-lots of breakfasts and lunches too. 

I sure miss him...I knew I'd miss him, but I had no idea it would be like this-like the world had collapsed under me. 

 

[Clematis]

I went to my regular doctor today, to talk about a medication strategy to not sleeping, and also whether there is any point in seeing a neurologist 4-6 months from now, which is already 6 weeks after the car accident (for a post-concussion workup). Seems pointless at that that point and that is how far out they are scheduling. He thought so as well.

It was kind of tough seeing my doctor, who was also my dad's doctor. I actually saw a lot more of him accompanying my dad than I ever did alone, and I told him it had been a lot more fun seeing him with my dad than alone. I think he was surprised at watching me cry during the entire visit. I just couldn't stop crying, even though we did the business of my visit...

[enna]

I am so sorry you are in such pain, Laura. Our tears are a way of releasing emotions that we have about a loss we have been going through.  Your dad was/is very special to you.  It is normal to burst into tears and sometimes even bawl and scream at times.  I am thinking of how you are feeling and hoping that the car accident you were in hasn't caused and serious problems.  I am glad that you are on holiday from school and I hope you will allow yourself time to rest.

I liked the fact that you marched in the 4th of July parade up in Jerome. I love that place but am so scared to ride up to it from the Phoenix area. The last time I was up in Jerome was when Jim and I took the back road up there and I had my eyes closed all the way. I am really not much of an adventurer.  I loved everything about Jerome. 

You know it will take time for you to mourn your dad's death.  You will have many memories both good and bad during these early months of your dad's death.  I wish there was some magic potion we could give ourselves to make things easier but we know there isn't. 

I am hoping you will be able to drive down to the Phoenix area when Katpilot has the fundraiser for the forum in October.  What stories we would all have to tell. My door will always be open to you for you to drop in and there is always something so healing when two or more grievers gather together. Grief is not meant to be done in solitude. 

Anne

[kayc]

I think I'd still see the neurologist even if it may be too late for what they could have done, perhaps there'd still be some suggestion for what can be done, and also just to check and see how things are going.  It can't hurt.

I'm sorry your visit with the doctor was so painful, sounds like it stirred up memories...

[Clematis]

11 hours ago, kayc said:

I think I'd still see the neurologist even if it may be too late for what they could have done, perhaps there'd still be some suggestion for what can be done, and also just to check and see how things are going.  It can't hurt.

I'm sorry your visit with the doctor was so painful, sounds like it stirred up memories...

I think since my Dr thinks that it's unnecessary that it's not going to happen.  He also told me that it wouldn't impact anything about my treatment or recovery - that it would mostly just heal on its own. I think that's not entirely true. You know, MD's are most familiar with treatments they've been trained on, such as pharmaceuticals, surgery, casting, and the like. Most of them aren't really on top of soft tissue injuries or the brain. The OT's have all kinds of treatments for post TBI treatments.

I saw my doctor so many times with my dad, and it was generally a really geed experience. He has a great sense of humor and is kind, concerned and really smart. I would trot in the history and take notes of anything that should be done at home or followed up on. If my dad went in alone, he would always say that he was "just fine" and when I asked him about the visit later as to what had happened, he would say "nothing". If there were new medications I would research them. Usually I sent detailed emails ahead of time as to what was up. It was always a team event.
 

[Clematis]

My friend Greg and I were going through a box today. Just like my dad, I had some stuff that was never sorted a decade ago when moving to Sedona, and this box sure was a "mixed bag". Most of it, naturally was utility bills and bank statements from 2005 and earlier. But I found some cards from my parents. I think I always had the impression that cards from my parents were generally selected and sent by my mother, although both names were there. But today, the first two I came to were actually written by my dad, although she was still alive. I found a lovely easter card on which he wrote, "Sorry this is late. Everything I do lately seems to be late. We do love you very much, Daddy"

His handwriting was already shrinking from the Parkinson's-and no wonder everything was late. All those years ago and I had no idea that he was already suffering from this awful disease. And no one talked about it! All over again, I feel so grateful that I was able to coaxing him out here to be with me and that I was able to do what I could to make hie life easier and much better for his last ten years. And ten years is a long time! It's a significant piece out of anyone's life...

He told me many times after he came out here, "I bet you had no idea I'd be such a burden on you when you asked me out her", and I always answered that any burden it had been had been most welcome and it was the best decisions I had even made in my life. I still feel that way. Those ten years were the best ten years of my life as well. Who would ever guess that things would work out that way...

I sure miss him...

[kayc]

1 hour ago, Clematis said:

I think that's not entirely true. You know, MD's are most familiar with treatments they've been trained on, such as pharmaceuticals, surgery, casting, and the like. Most of them aren't really on top of soft tissue injuries or the brain.

My point exactly.  However, some MDs or DOs I've known have thought more highly of their knowledge than they ought to have, and have not referred to specialists when they should have.  That's how my husband died.

[Clematis]

21 hours ago, enna said:

I am so sorry you are in such pain, Laura. Our tears are a way of releasing emotions that we have about a loss we have been going through.  Your dad was/is very special to you.  It is normal to burst into tears and sometimes even bawl and scream at times.  I am thinking of how you are feeling and hoping that the car accident you were in hasn't caused and serious problems.  I am glad that you are on holiday from school and I hope you will allow yourself time to rest.

I liked the fact that you marched in the 4th of July parade up in Jerome. I love that place but am so scared to ride up to it from the Phoenix area. The last time I was up in Jerome was when Jim and I took the back road up there and I had my eyes closed all the way. I am really not much of an adventurer.  I loved everything about Jerome. 

You know it will take time for you to mourn your dad's death.  You will have many memories both good and bad during these early months of your dad's death.  I wish there was some magic potion we could give ourselves to make things easier but we know there isn't. 

I am hoping you will be able to drive down to the Phoenix area when Katpilot has the fundraiser for the forum in October.  What stories we would all have to tell. My door will always be open to you for you to drop in and there is always something so healing when two or more grievers gather together. Grief is not meant to be done in solitude. 

Anne

Thanks, Anne

The accident has definitely slowed me down and forced me to rely heavily on my friends to get through the work of this move, with all the sorting and whatnot. But we are getting through it, which is a relief. I'm not sure that I've been resting much. When I have help I work on the mess, and when I have no one to help me, I am getting little done, feeling guilty about getting little done and well..grieving-crying and that sort of thing. I'm not sure that is resting...but it is what it is.

I don't know about going to Phoenix.  Right now there is no one who thinks I would be safe to drive a car to Phoenix. But October is a ways away. When is the show?

[Clematis]

4 minutes ago, kayc said:

My point exactly.  However, some MDs or DOs I've known have thought more highly of their knowledge than they ought to have, and have not referred to specialists when they should have.  That's how my husband died.

I don't know...since I got a referral, should I go ahead and make an appointment and figure I could cancel it later if I needed to. I don't know what to do or who to ask. My doctor wrote the referral, but then said he didn't think I needed to go. The OT told me I should make an appointment anyway, even if it is 4-6 months out, since I can always cancel it. My friend who is a psychiatrist doesn't think it will serve any practical purpose, only legal purposes. My attorney is out of town on a special assignment until mid August and left someone else working on my case that I haven't even spoken to yet. I really don't know what I should do...

[kayc]

I just don't see what it could hurt, it helps to get a specialist's opinion.  If you're all well before the appt. you can always cancel it.

[enna]

Laura,

I think the show (fundraiser for the forum)  is October 4th from 12:00 to 4:00. Stephen will give final information I'm sure. I'll be meeting with him soon. 

Please keep us updated on how you are doing.  I worry about you.

Anne 

[Clematis]

2 hours ago, enna said:

Please keep us updated on how you are doing.  I worry about you.

Yeah, I'm worried too-some of the time. And some of the time I really am not sure why I'm having trouble and feeling anxious. Because of the grief, car accident, and moving too soon? Something I'm not aware of? I don't know if I should be worried or not. My doctor says I'm fine. I'm not sure if having a headache every day for almost two months when I haven't had one in years is fine. One of the two OT's I work with saw me Thursday and said that for me to march in a very short parade playing the cello (someone else was carrying the other half, and Mister Cello was in a crowd surfing position) was very risky for me "at this point". Last year it was fine-but then I hadn't been in a car accident. Yesterday the other OT said that he was thinking about discharging me and then the two had a 30 second chat and he realized there were new goals related to the car accident, so I am continuing. The first OT suggested I see a neurologist and my doctor sent off the referral. Then yesterday he said I didn't need to see a neurologist.

The chiropractor told me when he first saw me that my back was a mess from hips to head...actually what he wait was that it was "like someone went over it with a sledge hammer". I think he meant that it was twisted every which way.  My typing here looks ok, but that is only due to the spellchecker and I read what I write and fix things constantly (writing me instead of my, etc.). I have told my helpers, especially Greg, but also Bonita, that they need to plan on this adventure and not just rely on me to tell them what to do...

[Clematis]

Seems like one thing after another. I just got home from PetSmart, where I was bitten by a dog on the back of my leg. Just walking by this couple and their two dogs, who were loosely held on leads with loose collars. I wasn't particularly close, and this dog lunged out to the end of his lead and bit me. The man holding the lead didn't even look at me but pulled his dog closer. I said to him, "Your dog bit me", which he ignored, and so I said it again, louder. Then he turned to me, asked if the skin was broken (top layers broken, skin bruised), and apologized, saying that the dog had never bitten anyone before. "The dog has never bitten anyone before" means "It's your fault because my dog is not a biter".

So I got home in time to field a call from Michael, the guy I subcontract with for professional work, telling me that one of my jobs for next year was given to someone else -someone at the school is a friend of another school psychologist and so is getting her friend in there to take my place. There is a lot of nepotism in small towns. And my other job site and the bulk of my income - Michael said he is not sure if they are going to renew the contract with us - it's still up in the air, but he says his gut level thought on it is that we're going to lose it. Uncertain... He did say that he could get me two days of work for half of the school year at another school on the reservation, and it's always possible that something else might turn up. Dang!

[kayc]

Laura,

If the dog broke skin, he should have provided you information, his name, info on dog, dog's rabies shot record.  It should have been reported to animal control because now the dog HAS bitten someone!  He should not take the dog into PetSmart again.  This was an unprovoked bite, which makes it all the more serious.  The first time a dog bites someone it is ALWAYS the first time, that doesn't mean it shouldn't be taken seriously.  I keep control of my dog, even though he hasn't bitten someone, because you never know if/when the first bite might occur!  People need to understand that animals are not people and they have different sets of governing rules than we do.  What seems acceptable to them is not necessarily acceptable to us!

I am so sorry you went through yet another experience that you should not have had to go through.  It's bad enough you lost your dog but you definitely didn't need the accident and a dog bite on top of it!

And now the work uncertainty.  My little sister goes through that every year and it's so stressful.  Can you get unemployment or does your contract prohibit it?  Have you considered teaching cello part-time?

[Clematis]

The people at PetSmart knew who the humans and the dog were, because the dog that bit me (Sam)-and another dog were in for grooming. A third dog was there for grooming when they left, so the staff knew they were going to see the people again shortly to pick up the third dog. The bite scratched the surface of the skin, but not enough to bleed. It left two red marks. This store is very strict about shots for every animal they groom (to protect the staff at a minimum). The groomer came out to help ID the dog after they left, and she said that Sam had never bitten anyone in grooming, but was irritable/snippy about it. And Sam had just left grooming, so he was apparently cranky. The man initially ignored my statement that his dog had bitten me, and when I said it more loudly and it was apparent that at least two staff had witnessed this -one had a good view of it- he apologized and defended himself/the dog. The woman would not look at me, and someone thought that probably meant that he was lying and the dog was known to be a biter. 

I did all the paperwork and also spelled out the couple's reaction afterwards-Sam slipping out of his collar twice within the following 60 seconds or so after the bite, and the couple's apathy and basically blaming me (never bitten anyone but me-so it must have been my fault). I told them I don't feel comfortable with them allowing a known biter to wander about the store with a super loose collar, especially since I frequently bring my cat into the store (on a leash), since we now know that this dog bites with no provocation and the owners are unconcerned. They told me that they thought their policy was to call animal control, and most likely when the people came back to pick up the third dog they would tell them they should be expecting a visit from animal control.

Sedona is a strange place-lots of WooWoo/magical thinking and all that. I have a good friend who says it's a mecca for personality disorders. There are an amazing number of people who take their dogs off leash on trails-even though it's against the law and clearly marked-and are defensive and nasty about it. They figure if you are afraid of their dog, anything that happens is your fault, because if you were a mellow tolerant person, the dog would be no danger to you and therefore you should correct your personality to work along better with their dog. And the law...well that's just stupid, and the result of the fact that you are so stupid that you are apprehensive of their dog that never bit them so why would it bite you (a stranger). But PetSmart is taking it seriously, and the police take it seriously as well. I have a friend who had a bad experience with a pitt bull on a trail and was terrified. I took pictures, and we located the owner & his vehicle and she took him to court (successfully). I ran into one of these dog owners once when I had my cat on a leash on a trail very close to my house. When I called out to the owners and asked them to get their dog on a leash, they protested and said the dog was very friendly and not a threat to anyone. I responded, "Well, my cat may not think so!", they were very surprised and got the dog right on a leash. Sure, they would not expect a cat on a leash, but lots of dogs don't like small children and will bite them...

We'll see. It was unnerving...and then to get that call from Michael as soon as I walked through the door. Dang! I'm trying not to panic. It does appear that I will have full time work through the end of December and then probably very part time work through the end of the school year. I keep plugging away at all this mess, but sometimes I think I will be lucky to outlive my dad by a year, just like I was afraid he would not outlive my mother by more than a year. Then I think this is a crazy thought. Then I have more mishaps and I am back to wondering quite literally if I am going to surveys all this. I am trying very hard to take care of myself and take care of everything I am supposed to be doing. but overall I'm not sure it's going very well...

[kayc]

8 hours ago, Clematis said:

There are an amazing number of people who take their dogs off leash on trails-even though it's against the law and clearly marked-and are defensive and nasty about it.

I just went through that a couple of days ago.  I had my dog at the park (on leash & with Halti on, as always) and a lady was letting her dog walk off leash.  Her dog came bounding up to my dog in an aggressive manner and I told her in a loud firm voice that the rules state the dog needs to be ON LEASH ONLY and I can't guarantee what will happen (between the dogs) so GET YOUR DOG AWAY!  I sounded authoritative and she complied and left quickly.  I'm just glad she did so before anything escalated.  You never know what will happen between two alpha males.

I'm glad you got the information and there will be a report made.  A dog can be the most friendly dog in the world who has never bitten someone but there is always a first time when it does happen.  That's why they require people to be responsible pet owners, it's not only looking out for the other person/dog, but it's also taking care of your own.

There is an exception for dogs that are 100% under voice command, I used to have a whippet that was so trained, and she minded completely, I did not have to have her on a leash.  But I sure as heck wouldn't consider Arlie off leash!  (I didn't train her, someone else did before I got her, but they have to be certified).  BTW, I had Lucky (my whippet) next to my back door, taking her out to pee, and a neighbor's dog trespassed and attacked her, he was running with other dogs, like a pack.  It tore her open and innards were hanging out.  I was pretty freaked out, it was a 100 mile round trip to the emergency vet, my BIL picked us up in his van and drove us in because I was in no condition to drive, I sat in the back and held her.  When I presented the bill to the neighbor, they acted like it was my fault because I didn't have a fence!  I told them they HAD a fence, why didn't they USE it!  My dog never left the boundaries of my property, she was so good, that didn't give them recourse to let their vicious dog run wild.  They said their dog hadn't bitten before and I said yes it had, my son, and also some little kids on bicycles, and they well knew it.

Aarphhh!  

Laura, you are doing everything you can to do the right things and live well, sometimes life is just a huge challenge.  Hang in there, it has to get better!

[Clematis]

1 hour ago, kayc said:

Laura, you are doing everything you can to do the right things and live well, sometimes life is just a huge challenge.  Hang in there, it has to get better!

I hope so!

[Clematis]

Sometimes I feel like I am about to go into free fall...And in a way, I guess I am, We are almost ready to start painting-the plan is to start the prep work on Monday and then start painting on Tuesday maybe. As soon as we get going on that we I will arrange for the carpet installers to come. Someone will come and pick up my dad's persian rug to clean it (it was my grandmother's and then my mother's/parents', my dad brought it to AZ, and now it is mine. When the rug comes back, we will move my dad's furniture and our combined "stuff" back up to my house in boxes and unpack.

We have worked so hard to get to this point and there is just so much change and loss and more change, it is staggering and it is much too early. Most of my furniture is going to be sold or given away. It's kind of weird to say goodbye to all of your furniture at once. At the same time, the home I have been living in with my cat Lena, the home that was my dad's for 10 years, is going to be dismantled and will be no more. And somehow, I am going to be living in my new home that is at the same location as my old house, but it will be furnished with the furniture that was partly my parents' and their families' before them, and also furniture that my father bought when he moved to AZ. All of it was what I knew as my dad's, but over the last few months I have become a little acclimated to it as being mine, although still at his house, where he no longer lives. 

It just seems like too much. Too much change and too much uncertainty. Too many triggers and realizations about the past, like realizing that my dad was in much worse shape than I thought he was. Realizing that as much as he said he loved me, he really loved me more than that. He bought a bedroom set, a sofa-hide-a-bed, a daybed with a trundle bed under it that can come out, and some other pieces when he moved out here. He asked me to go with him to buy furniture and he was very much interested in my input. Which one was more attractive, went best with other items, which was the most comfortable and that kind of thing. We both tested all the features of the Tempurpedic mechanical bed and the sofa & daybed. I thought he just wanted my opinion to help him. He  was used to having an artist's (my mother's) aesthetic sensibilities about decisions like this. But I realize now that he was wanting to make sure that I really liked the furniture he was buying because it would be mine someday.

I loved the little daybed he bought, its spread and pillow shams. We talked a little about maybe some day he would need someone to stay with him and it would be good to have a bed in the second bedroom. I never thought it would be me, and I never dreamed that my sleeping in that adorable little bed would be mostly after he was gone. But he picked it out for me...it is so touching. And the sofa-I don't think he ever sat on it after it left the store. Sometimes I would sit on one end of it-there was barely room-most of it was blocked by a narrow table that sat in front of it, one of my mother's treasures.

I think he bought those things ultimately for me, but never said anything about it, just like he never told me that he had stopped showering because he was so afraid of falling in the bathroom. We had talked about the bathroom being dangerous, and he listened to me like "yeah, yeah, yeah, whatever". But for at least four months, he only bathed with a wet washcloth in front of the sink. At some point I figured out that his bath towel never moved and his housekeeper confirmed this with her own suspicion. I asked him about it and he told me he was afraid of the bathroom. I bought a bunch of memory foam sticky bathmats and covered the bathroom's ceramic tiles with them, and I had another grab bar installed, got a shower bench and all of that. By the time he was getting help at home and then hospice came, they both told me I got an A+ on bathroom safety.

But I wish he had told me earlier-it really breaks my heart to learn more and more of what he went through. But the truth is that it was his choice. If he had wanted to tell me, I was right here. But I think he was always afraid that I would get him into a "nursing home" and he really did not want that. I used to talk about them, in terms of other people, because I worked in home health care as a social worker, and later took Lena there as a therapy cat. He would ask me from time to time if I thought he should go to one of them, and I always told him that I didn't want to be a selfish pig and keep him all to myself if he thought it would be more fun or interesting to live in assisted living. But it wasn't what I wanted. I wanted him a minute and a half from my door. 

And there he stayed until the end. I sure do wish he was still here...

[kayc]

You've worked very hard to get to this point, and you're getting there, Laura!  I think once you are moved in, surrounded by his furniture & treasures, you will feel at home like you did in his place.  I'm sure it'll be an adjustment, but hopefully not huge.

[Clematis]

Thanks, Kay! You're right-I have worked very hard, and I still feel afraid. The upcoming transition seems terrifying. It is if I was losing my own house and his at once, and the closer it is, the scarier it gets. And it is so close to the start of the school year! The painting will happen soon and then the carpeting, the rug is going to Flagstaff and will be back on July 26. I guess then I move on the 27th or so, and have a week and a half to get "settled in"-as if that were possible???

I think you're right-that I will probably feel at home once there...but it feels like I am about to fall into an abyss of uncertainty.

[Clematis]

I just watched the movie The Lovely Bones...I had read the book years ago, but in today's context it really struck me. The story of a father and daughter separated by death (when the daughter was 14). I think they both really realized after the separation how much they had loved each other. The father went berserk, looking for his daughter's killer and just could not give it up-or give her up. The daughter hovered in a limbo space between heaven and the world of the living, where some people-and the dog-could sense her. She wouldn't let go either.

I think this is me...I feel my dad around me so much of the time, feel his presence and hear him talking to me. I miss him so much, and it is so frightening to be going into an uncertain future without his love and reassurance alongside me. It is reassuring to have his spirit around me, I fear losing him again. I am afraid he will go away and leave me totally alone and go wherever it is that other people are who have passed. Nevertheless, I feel guilty-that my terror and desperation is keeping him with me when I'm supposed to be letting him go. Am I?

Sometimes I think it would be better if I just went with him, but he always tells me no, that I need to stay where I am. Then he throws in that Lena needs me. He's right-she does. We used to be a family of three-me, my dad, and a black pussycat. And now it's just the two of us...

[Clematis]

Sometimes I think I am saying the same thing over and over. My dad died and then my aunt died, and my sisters are not speaking to me, which is probably for the best since they are narcissistic and functionally like adolescents. My head is scrambled by a car accident and I am mostly being held together by my cat, Lena. 

When my mother died 11 years ago, I was looking through boxes and boxes of photos while I stayed at my dad's house. I found about 8 that I really wanted, and asked my sisters if I could have them. They said, "Oh no, that just wouldn't be right - then we would never be able to see them again". Of course they had thousands and thousands of other photos, but they said no, and I left without them. My older sister said she would scan them all and then they would be divided into three sets, but she did nothing for 11 years. I would ask something every now and then like how is it that when the younger sister moved to Baltimore from PA, a bunch of pictures went with her although both sisters denied splitting them up. What, did the dogs divide the photos?

But then in March when we were at our aunt's funeral, my older sister presented me with a small suitcase of random photos-just dumped it on me, and said all the pictures were in a hopeless mess. That's not what I saw when I was there-there were logical collections, but not the hodgepodge bunch I got. Many are out of focus, or they are very old and who are they anyway? It seems like they gave me a bunch of "the dregs"-whatever they didn't want, in no particular order. I try to look at them every now and then, and it's so hard-I have so many conflicted feelings; confusion, loss, anger at my mother (and then my sisters) for hoarding them until they were almost meaningless. Anyway, it's all gone now-my parents, my sisters (since they don't talk to me now), everyone who went before...And I have this little suitcase full of pictures with no explanations and no one to ask questions.

It's just too much. I wonder sometimes what my sisters are thinking and why they decided that it was really ok to just leave me alone with all of this while they sit back and wait for their money.